the bachelor :: chris : epi 8.

Oh my gah, we're back again!

Can you believe they keep calling this thing a "television event" like Katy Perry is about to come out on a giant lion? Events don't happen in Iowa.

Chris is wandering the streets of Des Moines trying to figure out just how he got here. It's time for his date with Becca and thankfully, she's wearing a bright yellow shirt and he found her.

Chris is staying in a loft in downtown Des Moines.

"Even though it's not Belgium, it means a lot." -- Chris
Iowa tourism board!

Becca tells Chris she's never been in love and she dated a guy on and off for 4 years. Chris asks if she thinks this could work-- SHE DOES!

Becca has feelings and she's trying to figure out those feelings.

Did they turn the mics up on this guy when he's kissing someone? It's so loud.

-----

Britt tells the other gUrls are the hotel that she's going to leave before the rose ceremony.

IT IS NOT ABOUT JUST ONE ROSE.

She told him that she wants to introduce him to her dad, to be his wife AND THAT IS NOT THE MAN FOR HER. She is OUTTIE5000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Britt's mind cannot be changed.
But, he could say something to change her mind.
But, she's not going to budge. She's gone.

Whitney thinks Britt JUST figured out that other gUrls are on the show. One those-- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE?

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jade is fah-reaking out. Chris doesn't know that she did "nude modeling" once. I need her to know that Playboy is not nude modeling. Nude modeling is something that happens in Europe and involves art. This G just took her clothes off for money.

Carly links Britt is full of shit.

ChrissyPoo, who's just been hanging in Des Moines for a week alone???????? rolls in to tell the ladies there is NOT going to be a cocktail party.

Britt's dynamic has shifted. It's awkward and hard, but not it's MORE awkward and MORE hard.
Her vocabulary is OUTTA CONTROL.

"It's crazy to think that I'm actually falling in love..." -- Chris
THEN, BRITT INTERRUPTS HIM AND PULLS CHRIS OUT OF THE ROOM. 

Britt knows she put him on the spot and wants to apologize.
I'm having a hard time concentrating on her apology, because all of her hair is on one side of her head.

She gives Chris a chance to speak and once again, he cannot form sentences. He's not great at talking. Either, he wants to just cuss all of these Gs out all of the time or he's just not great at sentences. He's also a mumbler and talks so quietly that you'd think he was whispering.

Eventually, he gets a few words out.

Chris is like, I heard you're a liar and I'm not into that. Or. Maybe you're a potential liar.

"The way Carly reacted is what I want in my future...the way you reacted and disrespected for myself." -- Chris
What?

"I don't want that for a wife." -- Chris
BAM!

Chris wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the kitchen at home always makin' shit out of his corn and wheat and that G better not have an opinion or speak above a whisper.

Chris and Britt part ways and now, Britt is sitting alone on the curb crying.
You know, I really think Britt liked the other gUrls and is very confused the way all of this played out. She was like, "I got my gUrls and I got my man!" And then, all hell broke loose when she started talking about eating off of paper plates with her dad and didn't get a rose.

------

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!

Ladies, Chris, final rose this evening!!!!!!

It's down to Jade and Carly, but we know, you know?

Jade gets the final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though Carly saw that Jesus hanging on the wall in the church-- it's over. Carly made a lot of friends and is going to be one hell of an asset on BachPad this summer. Her cruise ship sangin' days could be over.

Carly gets in that limo and is crying real hard.
She starts questioning the meaning of life. Not the time or the place, baby gUrl.


------

IT'S TIME FOR HOMETOWN DATES!!!!!!

Chris has to go from Iowa to Shreveport.

The PAs for this show must be miserable at this point. First, they had to scout locations and spend all that time in Des Moines, then they had to scour the lands of Shreveport to find a park with no dead bodies to film in.

"This is beautiful!" -- Chris
You hear that, Shreve?! Sign this guy up!

There's just no way this is actually in Shreveport.

Becca tells Chris they could see an alligator and yep, there's an alligator. They set off in a canoe and everyone's all...it's pretty... and I'm... IT'S A SWAMP.

A SWAMP.

Becca reveals that she's never brought a guy home before.

At this point, Chris is not understanding that at age 26, it's fairly normal for a good ole Southern gUrl with standards and values to have not been bringing boos home for ages. I think I was 25 the first time I took a dude home?

There were 17 people or maybe even 34 people at that house. Chris brought flowers and a gallon of whiskey.

Can we take a moment to discuss that Chris will only drink whiskey? I get it-- rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey (thanks, Luke Bryan <---- a="" day="" job="" plug="">).

At this point, Becca's family is trying to burn the house down with her in it.
And they aren't even giving her a hose.

Becca's sister pulls Chris aside and immediately is all-- I can't believe Becca is touching you... Becca isn't intimate... Becca doesn't have urges... Becca isn't affectionate.

Listen. My brother would probably say the same thing, because he's my brother and I'm his baby sister. I don't go around making out with people in front of other people, especially my family.

WHO'S FAMILY WOULD SIT DOWN WITH A GUY AND BE LIKE, "My sister is a real whore, so this is pretty normal for us to see her holding hands with you."

Then, her mom gets in on the game.

"I see her holding hands... I've never seen that... oh my gosh." -- Mom

HEY, BECCA'S FAMILY-- SHE IS A LATE-BLOOMER.
LOOK IT UP.

Also, maybe she has standards.
Maybe youth group was real to her growing up.
Maybe baby sister gets it?

At this point, Chris probably thinks Becca is a-sexual or something.

PRAISE REPORT: instead of just leaving her their with the wolves, Chris decided to take Becca to the Louisiana State Fair.

Becca cannot believe that she wants to hold hands with someone-- you know, these feelings.

They have a little make-out sesh on the Ferris Wheel and for the first time ever, I AM SO GLAD. She had to do something to prove to him that she isn't actually trying to be a nun like her family thinks.


-----

Now, it's off to Chicago!

Whitney takes Chris to work and makes him wear scrubs. Whitney has never seen anyone look so sexy wearing scrubs.

I hope the people who are paying the THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for fertility treatments are not seeing this "date" go down right now while eggs are being fertilized/transferred/harvested.

"I make corn." -- Chris
No. No. No. 
You provide corn a place to grow. 

So, now Whitney gets real weird and I can't even talk about it.

We're heading to meet Whitney's family and before they arrive, Chris wants to know who he should ask about a blessing and Whitney's hand in marriage.

Whitney throws her sister under the bus.

Whitney has a big family, just no parents. And all of these people seem normal and well-adjusted.

At dinner, everyone gets 3 different glasses of wine.

Chris wants to talk to Uncle Johnny.
Uncle Johnny loves Whitney a lot, because she's the same age as his middle son.

UJ describes Whitney as "vulnerable and strong."
Chris has never heard those two words together and is blown away at the accurate description UJ has provided.

Whitney sits down with SisterKim and explains her connection with Chris. She then goes on to tell her that, if Chris asks... she needs to give her blessing.

SisterKim says, "it's a REALLY small town in Iowa..."
There are no fertility clinics in Arlington, Iowa. There may not even be a doctor's office.

Whitney tells SisterKim that SHE BETTER GIVE HER CONSENT, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS.

SisterKim is like, "you can say yes all you want, but I ain't saying yes, until he can tell me you're the only one."

Totally fair.

Does Whitney know Chris could come back later and re-ask?
Does Whitney know that SisterKim could be like, "sure, okay, but, let's wait this out for a few."

"I want her to know she's the one...so, call me when you know." -- SisterKim to Chris
FINALLY.

Chris wasn't expecting SisterKim to say no.

Once, Whitney went to Napa and bought a bottle of wine that was out of her price range. She bought it to share with her future husband. She wants Chris to share that bottle of wine with her.

ARE WE ON THE CRAZY TRAIN OR WHAT?

Also, Chris is drinking a really tall glass of whiskey.
He doesn't want that damn wine.

Now, Whitney thinks she can move to Iowa and just travel back and forth to Chicago.
It's a 4.5-hour drive.

-----

Now, it's Kaitlyn's turn!
Her family lives in Phoenix during the winter.

Chris is all, "what is this back alley!"
He's very concerned.

It's very obvious that Chris needs a lady.
Not someone who would ever walk through a "dirty alley."
Unacceptable.

KittyKait takes Chris to a record studio.
FF.

We get to her family and I don't think she's seen them in a couple of years.
Her parents and step-parents are there hanging out together. I love that.
But, do they all live in that winter home together? I don't love that.

Again, everyone is drinking wine and Chris has opted for whiskey.

I just googled: Does Chris Soules own a part of Bulleit Whiskey?

"I can see that you heart him." -- Kaitlyn's mom

So, I'm guessing that Kaitlyn's mother is a sweet, wonderful lady who is likely into crystals and meditation. Like, she would've been sooooooo into that love guru.

Kaitlyn takes Chris back to that alley. She has also purchased a billboard.

Prayerfully, I hope she did not pay a designer to do that for her.

I think Chris loves it even extra, because there are no billboards in Iowa. And if there are, they are not digital. And bright.

-----

Now, we're heading to Nebraska, WHICH IS MUCH, MUCH DIFFERENT than Iowa!

Jade grew up in a town double the size of Arlington. DOUBLE. There are businesses that are open and cars on the street.

We meet Jade's family and I don't want to be a diva, but I think her mom went and got her hair done for the cameras. Sweetest angel.

Chris brought Jade a high school letterman's jacket and presented it to her in front of her family?
IDK.

She is now saying she's done "nude photos" and not "nude modeling."

Chris sits down with pops and tells her that he's most impressed with the fact that she's from NEBRASKA.

Pops tells Chris that most of Jade's boyfriends have thought Jade was "too much" for them.

Baby Brother agrees.

"Obviously, Jade lives in LA." -- Brother
Helpful.

"She's a wild mustang... she's a free-spirit." -- Brother

Uh-oh. Chris didn't realize that just because Jade is from Nebraska doesn't mean that she's super into moving to somewhere that is anything like Nebraska.

Chris is trying to leave, but Jade hasn't shared her secret yet.

Chris pours himself a big ole glass of whiskey in hotel room 101.

Jade is trying to explain to Chris that yes, she's a free-spirit and "maybe" a wild mustang.

GET TO IT, gUrl.

Finally, Jade dials up the red phone and drops the bomb.

Jade, at one point, was doing anything that made her feel very liberated. Including, Playboy.

She is very afraid Chris is going to change his opinion of her.

Jade says she was "approached" about posing for Playboy.

So, of course, she asks if he wants to see the pictures?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Chris, for some reason, agrees to this?!?!?!!?!??!!??!!??!?!

Then, we watch, for what seems like a very unreasonable amount of time, watch them look at these photos and A VIDEO????

"There's also a video of Jade...dancing around by herself...she took her bottoms off." -- Chris
RIGHT?!

WILD.
MUSTANG.

Jade would like Chris' opinion. He takes a very big drink of his whiskey. He cannot find the sentences.

"I judge you for the person you are..." -- Chris
WHICH IS A PERSON WHO DANCED NAKED FOR A VIDEO ON THE INTERNET?

He says it won't affect their relationship.
Okay, Chris. Okay.

You kicked off that chick who confronted you in public, but this? NOTHING!

"It's hard to find a soulmate." -- Chris
You're telling me!

Jade feels better.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies, Chris, final rose.

AND EVEN THOUGH BECCA'S FAMILY BASICALLY PUT BRICKS AROUND HER ANKLES AND THREW HER IN THE RIVER, SHE GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!

Chris walks Jade out.

He says that it's just because their relationship has moved slower than the others.
LOLZ. Okay, Chris. Okay.

Chris puts that gUrl in the limo and proceeds to cry like a little baby gUrl.

the bachelor :: epi 7 : chris.

So, if a chick on this show "wins," she has to move to Iowa. And before she can even "win," she has to just go to Iowa?

This is the worst 6-week vacation ever.

Chris just told us that he has "so much respect" for each woman AND that he's made a connection with "every single one of them." Those two statements don't seem like they go together?

That one chick with blonde hair gets some time with Chris and they decide she shouldn't go to Iowa. That bitch is the smartest gUrl on this show.

Chris has a broken heart. He's so heart broken he dropped the F-bomb and it got bleeped out. : (

Then, he sat on the stoop and cried, but it looked like he was praying. I don't think he was praying. Maybe he was praying he could get the hell out of South Dakota.

"These are some of the most incredible women I've ever met." -- Chris
Some? 

ChrissyPoo comes in to the ladies know that there will STILL be a rose ceremony tonight and one of the ladies will NOT be going to Iowa. So, one lucky lady will get to leave South Dakota and go back to a place that isn't Iowa.

Chris tells ChrissyPoo that he has "strong feelings" for the six remaining women. He wants EVERYONE to come to a place that "defines him" and he calls it "God's country." Those gUrls reacted in a way that leads me to believe they know nothing about Iowa?

-----

We arrive in Des Moines and Carly said, "there's trees."

One gUrl said she feels so "honored" to be in Iowa.

Jade gets the one-on-one date and it's her second one-on-one date. The other Gs are like, "I'm happy for you, but I'm very jealous." The look on the other gUrls faces' do not lead me to believe that they were happy or even jealous. It's more like, they are going to burn someone's house down.

Jade is going to Chris' farm.

Chris is hanging out in a really expensive outfit talking to his cows. Or cows. I don't know if they are his cows or not.

"There's a bunch of corn." -- Jade
She's very observant. 

"Telephone pole!" -- Jade
If you're getting excited about that...

After naming all of the things she saw on the drive to the farm, Jade FINALLY arrives.

"Welcome to Iowa!" -- Chris

Chris hopes that someone would love him enough to move to Iowa.

Chris takes Jade on a tour of his house and then points at a lot of things. It looks like those were his cows, because he knows their names.

Chris takes Jade on a motorcycle ride to "downtown."

"This is where I used to get meat." -- Chris

Jade is learning that they're aren't a lot of jobs available in Arlington. There also isn't a bar. Or any restaurants. Or a grocery store.

Jade is just standing on this street corner looking around and learning about the economy. She also wants to die. Probably.

Chris and Jade stood on the street corner for about 6 hours-- until the sun went down. They get back on the motorcycle and head to the local high school football game. Chris' passion growing up was high school football. HE IS SO DIFFERENT THAN MOST HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.

During the game, Jade gets to meet mom and dad! His mom is chill as hell wearing that hat on TV.

(The other gUrls are sitting around in the hotel room wearing hoodies and tobogans.)

Then, Chris makes Jade go inside of his high school and listen to how cool Chris was in high school. WORST. DATE. EVER. I'd rather talk to the cows than listening to a 33-year-old man talk about his high school football days.

Chris really wanted to show Jade his old English classroom and Jade really wants to tell Chris about her small town values and some other stuff. But, she's not ready to share the other stuff just yet.

They made out in the hallway and Chris just couldn't believe he was making out with someone in front of his old English classroom.

What the hell happened in that English class? He doesn't really seem like he's super into Shakespeare or anything?

Jade said the night was one of the most exciting nights of her life.
I really hate that for her.

Chris can't describe how good it feels to know that Jade could conceivably move to Iowa before breaking up with him.

-----

It's time for Whitney and Chris to go to an art gallery in Des Moines!

Chris thinks Des Moines' art gallery is the Louvre of Iowa. Which, isn't a thing.

After looking at one photo, Chris and Whitney decide to take some photos around Des Moines. Whitney cannot wait to document their love.

Basically, it's just one big make-out sesh.

(Jade is back at the hotel telling everyone about Arlington. Britt starts crying. Like, hard. She cannot even handle it. Carly wants to road trip to Arlington and invites Britt along. A lot of the gUrls are torn between if they should go or not.)

Chris realized he needs to be with someone who "wants to be with him."

Whitney cannot to show the photos of them making out to their kids someday.

------

The other gUrls on the road trip, have calmed down a lot. No one is impressed.

"Is this the main road? Did we pass it?" -- gUrl
"That was it. That was the town."

The exit the vehicle for some more in-depth exploring.

The gUrls stopped and asked some locals for a good place to eat. He said, "not Arlington."

Britt is struggling with picturing herself living there. Me, too, Britt. Me too.

-----

Chris and Whitney head to a Des Moines hot spot. Chris says the date was one of the "best days of his life." : (

Three of Chris' best friends join Whitney and Chris for dranks. Whitney feels really special.

One of the dudes asked Whitney if she loves him. She didn't really answer.
She did say she doesn't have reservations about moving to Iowa. Lies.

Chris was really impressed with Whitney. He just can't believe that Whitney impressed him like that.

The friends leave.

Whitney tells Chris that she doesn't have any parents.

Whitney is looking for a man with great parents, because "I don't have any." : (
She even wants to call his parents mom and dad.

Chris has one of their photos painted onto a mural. And then, he giggled. And he hung his mouth open like he was getting a root canal.

Whitney still can't believe it. I can't believe that ABC paid for this. And that no one has destroyed it yet?

-----

Jade decides it's time to tell Carly her big secret.

Jade was a "nude model" for Playboy. Carly did a great job of being chill.

Jade thinks this could end the relationship.
DUH.

Jade's dad found out about her "nude" modeling from his co-workers. Can you imagine? Holy shit.

-----

The group date is only Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn. There is a rose.

They are "obviously" going to do some ice skating today.

Chris starts giggling immediately.

My grandpa and like, every other man on my dad's side of the family were farmers.
They do not giggle.

Britt tells Chris about the road trip to Arlington. Britt tells Chris that she felt "really alive" there. It's probably because she was one of the people alive there.

Carly thinks Britt is really fake and she's "really mad about it."
She knows Britt doesn't want to live there.

On the other hand, Britt is still outside telling Chris how much she loved Arlington. He is eating it up and sucking her face off.

Then, Carly sits down with Chris and spills the beans. Cat's out of the bag, Britt! She tells the entire story and how Britt went from being truthful to  A LIAR.

"I'm really freaked out for you." -- Carly
TRUTH.

Chris hopes she isn't lying.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Chris pulls Britt aside. And Britt tells Chris what her hometown would be like.

"It would be cold. It would be fall.... we would eat with paper plates." -- Britt
What?

Britt says she's not choosing the town-- she's choosing the lifestyle and the man.

Chris is sold.
HOOK. LINE. SINKER. Emphasis on the sinker.

The other gUrls are convinced that Chris isn't an idiot, but : (

Kaitlyn gets some time with Chris and she "wants to get there."

Kaitlyn is frustrated and she doesn't want to be.

Kaitlyn says she feels behind. Chris says, "You were killin' it last week."
WHAT?

Kaitlyn gets the rose.

"This is a rose-- it's a big deal." -- Chris
Get out of here. 

Kaitlyn starts crying.

Britt is stewing. And the music is implying MURDER.

When Kaitlyn comes back with the rose Britt just sits on the couch nodding her head and staring at Chris.

Chris tries to explain his choice and Britt tells him to "stop," while cracking her knuckles and sighing. Carly acts like an adult.

Britt understands. She even understands "logistically."

Britt goes on... in front of everyone, but to Chris.

"I'm really, really hurt right now... I feel like the day that we had... going to see your city... going... how I envisioned myself...your wife... my family...literally, asking, begging you for validation.... I mean, that's fine if you want to do that... it's really hard right now. I don't want my husband to see me as a third or fourth down the line... I want my husband to want me back." -- Britt
OH, PLEASE REMEMBER SHE IS DOING THIS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE. 

"I'm not sure what you're trying to do right now." -- Chris

Finally, Chris shuts it down. Or tries. Then, he says he's looking forward to tomorrow and leaves.

KAITLYN CHUGS THAT WHITE WINE.

I honestly think Britt is being truthful. I don't think she is mad at Kaitlyn or hates her or anything like that. I do think she's kind of BATSHIT CRAZY.

"I'm not even mad." -- Britt

Carly is sitting in the corner chugging white wine.

Back at the hotel, Carly spills the beans to the other gUrls.

Britt is crying. She doesn't know if this is how she should feel.

Kaitlyn thinks Britt blew it.

I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD GO HOME, BECAUSE THE PRIZE IS IOWA.

the bachelor :: chris : epi 6.

I am still recovering from the disaster that was the GRAMMY Awards, so I don't know if I have the stamina to get through this panic attack on the the local Mexican buffet' restaurant's floor.

I know the Bible says to take care of the widows and the orphans, but it's talking about my grandmother and stuff. Not this G, right?

I've had a panic attack before. I drank a beer and sat on the couch and was fine after like, an hour.

As SpecialK is taking in oxygen through a mask like she's in ICU, she asks to talk to Chris.

Can you imagine being this dude right now? She just blamed her panic attack and him and his cancelation of the cocktail party. They kissed.

She is now wearing a giant fur coat/blanket. Actually, scratch that, it's definitely a rug.

"All of the feelings were just too much." -- SpecialK
Heard that.

It's getting pretty weird between SpecialK and the other ladies. She can feel it in her heart that she is the woman Chris will marry.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He picked that gUrl named Megan (who?) and she had glitter all over her.

Ashley I. finally got a rose and she be like, PRAISE REPORT.

SpecialK gets a rose over the gUrl who's super into kale. KaleG is all, "she wasn't playing by the rules, but actually, there aren't any rules."

Part of me wonders if these gUrls even went to junior high and ever cried at lunch?
I would assume that's a universal thing, but they seem pretty green to the ways of women?

-----

In a real fun twist, the gang is headed to South Dakota.

HEY, ABC, WHAT IS WITH YOUR BUDGET?

Also, do you think the gUrls know Chris is from a town even smaller than Deadwood? And it doesn't have the tourist-y stuff? If you have to drive over an hour to get to a TGI Friday's... you're in trouble. (AND WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING THAT FAR TO GO TO TGI FRIDAY'S?!)

Chris goes to one of those old-timey photo booths. BY HIMSELF. And TV show or not, WTF.

SpecialK DESERVES the one-on-one, because she told Chris about her situation. But. She doesn't get it. She's at a juncture. She needs reassurance. She's NOT happy. (JOIN THE CLUB, G.)

--------

Chris is walking through a field.

"Becca's the only one I haven't kissed." -- Chris
OH.

He says he's been waiting a long time for this. In real life, he legitimately means less than 2 weeks.

These two are going on a horseback ride. Chris thinks Becca looks "smokin' hot" on "that horse."

-----

Carly decides it's time to quit acting like a cruise ship singer and start throwin' bows. Everyone wants to be "open" with SpecialK.

SpecialK starts crying. And NERVOUS laughing.

It's a nervous laugh.

"I didn't go through all this shit...death of a spouse...I didn't go on this show to be defeated." -- SpecialK
Sounds like a Nicholas Sparks book, right? 

------

Apparently, this horse date is really interesting, because we've seen so much of it.

There's a campfire and kabobs.

Chris giggles like a tiny baby. Is he wearing a suit? I think he's wearing a suit.

"Tonight is fantastic. Because, Becca is fantastic." -- Chris
Translation: I like her, because I like her. 

Chris decides to find out Becca's 5-year plan. Chris wants wants four to six kids. Becca would like to settle on five.

Becca hasn't ever really shared her feelings with a boy before.

Becca knows she's the only gUrl who hasn't been kissed. AND SHE IS A VIRGIN. She's also the only gUrl on this show ever, who's like, "WHAT WILL MY DAD THINK?!"

OH! She gets the rose. And a kiss. Their body language is weird.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!

They are going to make some sweet music!

Chris says country music is a "big" part of his life.

Welcome, Big & Rich!

Chris has asked John and Kenny to "vet" the gUrls. They are also supposed to be writing a song. Of course, Carly "kind of writes songs a little bit."

JADE IS LIKE, "FEELING STUPID."
She's talking about music and not makeup.
She just has too much to say.

Big Kenny takes Jade down the street. They are running.
Jade starts screaming something.

Britt kisses Chris in front of everyone. Now, Jade is back on the struggle bus.

"It's hard to write a love song when he's clearly into somebody else." -- Jade
JADE! You've found your thesis, run with it!

The Gs are drinking some brews (my guess is Mich Ultra) and it's time for some "live" music.

Chris has decided to go first.

"Chris is not wearing farm boy from Iowa boots...OR PANTS." -- John Rich
I've said it before and I'll say it again: John Rich is the smartest man in music. 

A few other patrons have stopped by to watch the performance. Obviously, ABC recruited them off the street and gave them free beer.

Chris finishes his song and for the millionth time-- I couldn't hear or understand one thing he sang.

It's Britt's turn! Sweet, sweet music. She can hear it whenever he's around!
That's not a song! That's like, two lines.

Chris is VERY impressed with everyone.

Oh! A ballad!

Carly pulls Chris on to stage.
She's a professional, you know?

"Unnatural circumstances..." -- Carly's song

Carly called the performance a "beautiful moment." VERY LOOSE DEFINITION.

Here comes Jade!
She's diving more into her feelings! She's gambling on love! She's not much of a gambler!

"I'm a queen, looking for my king of hearts." -- Jade's song

Let's review: Jade is NOT a gambler, but she started an organic makeup company.
Let that soak in.

If she's not a gambler, I hope she has a rich ass daddy.
Or at least an engineering degree to fall back on.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!

Chris is ready to talk to Jade. She hasn't really "touched" on her feelings yet, so she is ready to do that. To share her feelings, through song.

"I really do have feelings." -- Jade

Chris was caught off-guard when Jade said she had feelings.

"I'm looking to find a soul mate." -- Chris
"Oh okay, we do still have feelings." -- Kaitlyn

Y'ALL.
DID A THERAPIST COME IN DURING NON-SHOOTING HOURS?
WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING "FEELINGS" SO MUCH?

Britt and Chris sit down for a second and Chris reveals he has a "surprise."

I hope it's like the time Spencer spray painted the wall in his new apartment with Heidi and she said, "it's not girly, it's not cute, it's not anything."

The surprise is a Big & Rich concert!

Can I make a shameless plug for my day job? 
If you're wondering why I don't write much on here other than this, it's because I have a full-time job that pays me to write!

Yes, it's true -----> FULL-TIME JOB STUFF

"I love this music! It's crazy!" -- Britt
Usually, people say, "I love this song!"

Big & Rich pull Chris up on stage with Britt.

Oh, Britt has now revealed she's a "virgin" to country music.
Chris gives Britt the rose on stage.

"Everyone in the crowd wanted to be me." -- Britt
: (

No.

Chris is the world's worst dancer. And then he threw that sweater off. I used to get in so much trouble for putting my clothes on the floor. The Reg would say, "why do I buy you nice things and you just throw them on the floor!"

Chris and Britt come back and the girls are acting like they just went to a funeral.
NO. But, they are walking into their deaths.
There is no way this will end without someone dying.

Chris tried to explain the situation and then just left.

"I'll let you gUrls have the rest of the evening to yourself." -- Chris
Yeah, that's what everyone wants. 

Britt says she feels awkward-- thanks, Producers!

Whitney was timing how long they were gone.
They were gone for over an hour AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.

Carly is crying and she feels "invisible."
She sang that song for him and didn't even get to go to the concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life ain't fair, y'all.
Sometimes, someone else gets to go to the concert.

"My heart is pure." --Whitney

Does everyone else know this a TV show? A TV show that is essentially a contest?

Are they all only children?

A couple of years ago my dad bought my brother a John Deere riding lawn mower for his birthday. Not even a special birthday! But, I don't even have a yard! So, like, it was okay that he got a really nice present and I got a pair of jeans. You know?

------

TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris says he is going to make the best of this.

HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O M G.
They are flying past Mt. Rushmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SpecialK was naming all of the presidents. I would've done the same thing.

"I literally, can't. even." -- Ashley I.
HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL, G?

The helicopter lands and there's a cabana waiting on them. Chris is drinking whiskey and the Gs are sipping on some white wine. Chris starts to chug the whiskey.

"This is taking logic and pairing it with love." -- SpecialK
She makes a good point, BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. 


Ashley I. gets some alone time with FarmerChris and she decides to spend her time talking shit about SpecialK. Oh, no. Doesn't she know how this usually ends? The gUrl who tells on the other gUrl never wins in the end.

CHRIS SIPS MORE WHISKEY.

Son, "there ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky."
ANOTHER WORK PLUG.


"I am real. She is fake. I'm a virgin. But, I'm sexy." -- Ashley I. 
Yep, there's that logic!

It's time for SpecialK's alone time with Chris.

"I'm prepared to be a wife, because I've been one." -- SpecialK
WOWOWOWOWOWOW.

"I want my wife to be able to handle social situations...someone people want to be around." -- Chris
BURRRRRRRN.

Chris drops the bomb that Ashley I. told on SpecialK.

SpecialK thought she could trust that ho.

SpecialK calls everything going on "gUrl talk."

"I'm 28 years old. I am a woman." -- Special K

SpecialK and Ashley I. are sitting on the bed alone.
SpecialK stares at Ashley I. for a solid 13 minutes.

"I know what you did." -- SpecialK
"It's 2014. We both have a masters." -- Ashley I.

If they are both so damn smart, what the hell are we watching?

Ashley I. wanders off and starts crying and then finds Chris.

Chris starts talking about maturity and this chick is just bawling her face off.
Then, she admits that she is always crying around him.

Chris takes this opportunity to talk about maturity and lifestyles.

Chris doesn't think Ashley I. can give her the lifestyle she wants.

In a real act of maturity, she then says, "You think Britt wants that lifestyle?!"

She wanders back to the bed crying and SpecialK is just smirking.

ALL OF THE Gs AT THE HOTEL THINK SPECIALK MURDERED ASHLEY I.

"I'm just really confused. I'm trying to make sense of this and I can't." -- Whitney
WELCOME TO MY LIFE. 

Ashley I. is now crying alone in the Badlands.
JUST LIKE TEDDY ROOSEVELT IMAGINED!

Chris tells SpecialK that he sent Ashley (THE VIRGIN) home and this bitch don't even see it coming...

Chris wants to be honest.

He sends SpecialK packing.
He wants the absolute best for her.

"Take care." -- Chris

So, the helicopter leaves both of those Gs in the Badlands.
They don't even have coats.

The ABC Intern goes to take away SpecialK's bag and all the gUrls at the hotel start popping champagne.

"I came here to challenge myself to the adventure of love." -- SpecialK
Definitely a book title. 

The music makes it seem like they really are leaving those two Gs there. FOREVER.

Anyway.

NOW, NEXT WEEK, WE HAVE TO SUBJECT OURSELVES TO LIKE, 8 HOURS OF THIS SHOW.

the bachelor :: chris : epi 5.

Land of Enchantment, here we come! Let's get these ladies some turquoise jewelry!

"Santa Fe, really, seems like the perfect place to fall in love." -- ChrisAfter watching this show for over a decade-- is there really a bad place to fall in love? Other than prison or Iowa?

WHO IS THIS CHICK TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH AND SOMBREROS?

"I've never been out of the country." -- gUrl
And you still haven't.
: (

Everyone is all, I NEED that one-on-one date. This is not the place to discuss the world's entitlement problem, but know I see it. I SEE IT.

Carly gets the one-on-one! Chris thinks she's the PERFECT gUrl for this date. I am assuming this date is some kind of shitty performance date? Like a nursing home talent show?

Why are they in New Mexico?
This is so low budg.

And now Chris and Carly have to spend the date doing yoga or some sort of "7 Years in Tibet" shit?

Oh. She's a "love and intimacy" expert. Chris keeps calling her the "love guru."

ABC, you've really done it this time.

Carly blindfolds Chris and everyone giggles. Well, everyone minus the lady who used to manage a Claire's someone in West Texas and is now a "love guru."

I've never seen less Chemistry between two people.
Granted, I barely passed any Chemistry class I ever took.

The lady who probably cleans pool in the off-season tells Chris and Carly it's time to "de-robe."

"I don't take my clothes off for anyone." -- Carly
GOOD FOR YOU.

What is even happening right now? No one wants to take anyone's clothes off and everyone is really uncomfortable. (Note: I'm not that uncomfortable. I'm more sad for humanity.)

"Tell me what you're feeling around that." -- Love Guru
"Maybe, keep the pants on." -- Love Guru

Every other man that has ever subjected himself to being the Bachelor right now is laughing his ass off. This is like some weird hazing. WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

Now, there's a lot of heavy breathing and "exploring with your hands."

I feel like no one should be allowed to watch this right now because some CAB (crazy ass bitch) is out there thinking, "my boo and I need to do this."

They kiss.

"I'm excited. I felt more of a romantic thing with Carly than I ever have." -- Chris
Well, you also wanted to bone that one chick in the ketchup aisle at Costco, so I don't really trust you.


It's nighttime now!

"Ohhhhh, it's so fancy!" -- Carly
It's like, a lodge with pillows?

Carly thinks they should've gone to the Love Guru on date seven, not date one. She starts going on about her last boyfriend and how he NEVER wanted to touch her. Ever. Even after 2 years.

I understand that that is a sad story because she didn't feel pretty, but like, more than one chick on this show is a widow. And this is your story. Your boyfriend wouldn't have sex with you and you kept dating.

Now, she says if a man desires her, all of her bad feelings will go away.
CARLY, CALL YOUR DAD. GO TO LUNCH. LET HIM BUY SOME TOOLS AT LOWE'S.

Chris struggles with being "open" about Iowa.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
What a jackass.

"Are you scared someone is going to get to your house and then they'll want to leave?" -- Carly

These two are kind of the worst. I mean, I am sure she's a fun gUrl. But.
She gets the rose.

------

It's time for the group date!

SocioKelsey is back on this nature date and I'm worried she only wants to go rafting in MICHIGAN, because MICHIGAN has the best rafting.

"We are about to go WATER RAFTING!" -- gUrl
"What's in the water? There could be alligators or dead bodies." -- gUrl
I always assume there are dead bodies in all bodies of water. 
And woods. 
And abandoned cars on the side of the road.

Some old man came up and told them all they were going to die or something, so now everyone is scared.

Jade, the organic makeup developer, fell out of the boat.
She apparently has a condition that causes hypothermia at 65 and sunny.
Now, everyone is jealous that they don't have this condition.

------

After party!!!!!!!!!!

The outdoorsy stuff lasted for 45 minutes real time and 2 minutes of TV time.

Chris is walking through the hotel and now, Jordan (?!?!?! WHO ??!?!!?) is walking down the hall and is ready to confront Chris.

How does ABC convince these Gs to do this?

Chris sent her home because she was a drunk or something. But, second chances and love and happiness are important to her, so she's here!

The other chicks are starting to wonder if they are being stood up.
IN YOUR DREAMS, gUrls. In. Your. Dreams.

Chris sits down with Jordan and she asks for a second chance.

Chris marches Jordan out like a show pony and gives her the chance to join the group.

Everyone loves Jordan, BUT NOT HERE. NOT NOW.

Everyone is wearing turquoise jewelry, LIKE TURN DOWN FOR NEW MEXICO CLICHES.

Ashley I., the virgin, is wearing a very tiny piece of cloth. She sits down with Chris to discuss the fundamental differences between her and Jordan.

The rest of the Gs are confronting Jordan.

"The point of this process is that gUrls get eliminated." -- gUrl

Every gUrl who sits down with Chris tells him he's an idiot.

People are acting like Jordan stole a presidential election.
Or kicked a puppy.

"We shouldn't be nice to her right now!" -- Ashley I.
Yes. Yes. Because, maturity.

Chris gets some time with Jade and immediately covers her in like, 7 blankets.

"Are you okay? -- Jade
"I'm okay, if you're okay." -- Chris

Chris decides the Producers have had enough control over this situation and pulls Jordan aside.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.

1. He needs to get a more manly leather jacket.
2. He needs to quit talking about Iowa like it's a place.

Chris puts Jordan on the first bus back to rehab.

"It just doesn't make sense for her to be around." -- Chris
Oh.

Jordan goes to tell the Gs goodbye and Chris watches over her like he's nervous she's going to steal something.

I am not giving this situation any more attention.

TONIGHT'S ROSE IS GOING TO SOMEONE WHO MAKES CHRIS FEEL REALLY SPECIAL.
Whitney gets the rose!

I am an adult. Like, I pay taxes, I know when to get my oil changed, all that stuff.

I've NEVER heard a man say, "I feel special."
Maybe, I've never talked to a man before. I D K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But.

All these Gs are mad. Mostly, Ashley I. is mad.

I think I've figured Ashley I. out. Basically, all I know is she had a really huge Sweet 16 birthday party (maybe even one featured on MTV) and drives a leased BMW.

That or she's a server at Sur on Bravo's "Vanderpump Rules." It's one or the other.

-------

It's really early in the morning and Chris is waking Britt up. He thinks she looks BEAUTIFUL.
He brought a flashlight in there. Like. What.
This isn't a cave. It's a hotel and there are lights everywhere.

Apparently, Britt sleeps in makeup.
And that is just NOT okay with these ladies.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT!

Britt thinks Chris is a fun guy. I've seen a lot of Chris so far this season and I would not describe him as "fun." I mean, I think he probably takes really good care of his clothes and probably re-arranges the dishwasher after someone else loaded it, but fun? Not getting that vibe.

ITZ HOT AIR BALLOON TIME!
This is my worst fear, because I never want to be in a place that I cannot go to the bathroom, if needed.

Are they not allowed to wear sunglasses? I didn't really start wearing sunglasses until late into college because I thought I looked weird in them, but now, it's more of a health concern. I don't want the sun in my eyes. I want to be able to see things.

Britt and Chris head back to his hotel room.

"It's so clean!" -- Britt
Yeah, it's a hotel. They do that there. 

Britt keeps talking about clean it is, while the other gUrls are sitting around talking about how Britt doesn't take showers.

Then, right as the other gUrls are talking about how Britt doesn't want kids, Britt is telling Chris she wants 100 KIDS.

100? Like, one more than 99?
Seems like a dramatic change from what the other gUrls are saying.

gUrls are crying.
Britt and Chris are under the covers kissing.
Chris shuts the doors to the hotel room.

Britt returns with a rose. And talks about how Chris woke everyone up with his LOUD KISSES. And then something about a nap.


Everyone is mad. But, no one is as mad as SocioKelsey. She uses air quotes and everything.

Kelsey heads to his hotel room and decides it's time to tell him that she's a widow.

"I'm not going home without him knowing I'm a widow." -- Special K
That's one way to put it.

After she's done....

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tra-gic, but it's amazing. Ugh! I love my story." -- Special K
Chris uses this opportunity to kiss. 

Apparently, this was her plan for a first kiss all along.

In all seriousness:
1. I hope she is actually a weirdo, because this is real crazy (not just reality TV crazy), if not.
2. I truly hope her, likely still grieving, in-laws are not watching this. At all.

------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley I. is going through a list naming name and I don't know any of them.

Chris joins the party and starts a long "emotional" speech.

"It's been a true honor to spend the week with you all in Santa Fe." -- Chris
I question his definition of the word honor.

Chris launches into his conversation with Special K. She starts crying. Chris has been thinking about some things today that...LONG ASS PAUSE...OMIGAH, he needs a second!

Chris runs away and all we can hear is heavy breathing.

The cocktail party is now revolving around Special K because everyone assumed she was going home that night, so she pulled out the widow card.

No one thinks she's very nice.
Kelsey wanted to honor her story.

Again, VERY LOOSE DEFINITION OF THE WORD HONOR.

"Everyday is a gift. Time is precious." -- Special K
THAT IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. 
AND MY TIME IS NOT BEING HONORED. 

Special K is just sitting on this couch half-crying and whispering like she's in the bathroom at prom.
Now, she's giggling.

Everyone is frustrated.
IT IS SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT. WHO IS THIS?
SHE WANTS TIME WITH HIM, TOO.
BUT. IDK WHO SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo comes out to tell the ladies that Chris knows exactly what he wants to do.
NO COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT.
THE FUN IS OVER.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears.
Tears.

EVERYONE HAS BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING.

Kelsey, finally, gets up. No one knows where she went, but they agree that it's weird.

CRYING, SCREAMING, MOANING.
(OFF CAMERA)

The camera finds her. Special K is on the ground!
MEDICS!
MOANING.

A British woman named Diane keeps asking Special K where she is!
It looks like she's outside of the bathroom of a sad Mexican restaurant.
But, I can't be sure. I don't want to put words in her mouth.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What in the world is this chick with the sombrero.
This is not real.
I am not even.
Sorry.


I HAVE NO FEELINGS. I HATE EVERYTHING.