The bachelor :: chris epi 4.

ChrissyPoo rolls in wearing one big navy blob, so I am assuming the wardrobe department has the day off.

He is there to tell the ladiez that CHRIS' THREE SISTERS WILL BE DECIDING WHO GOES ON THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE. Can you believe that?!

Like, a bunch of Gs get a date card that says something about being natural or something. What's more natural than going camping and driving two really old cars?

"Nothing is sexier than a guy driving." -- Ashley I. 
Such low standards.

Chris takes the chicks to a lake.

"Well, obviously, you can see! We're at a lake!" -- Chris
He is just the best.

"I'm excited to see how these gUrls react to nature." -- Chris
Oh. A secluded, private lake with coolers and toys, that NO ONE had to carry themselves?

One gUrl took her top off and then, another gUrl took her bottoms off. But, they put them back on very quickly. Doesn't matter how quick-- their dads still saw it all happen.

-----

The SistaGs show up and that one cruise ship director is acting like the damn Easter bunny hopped up to the damn door.

They just sit around and interview everybody three-on-one.

"If you're not nervous, you're missing out on something important in life." -- CruiseShipG

The Sistas just keep asking everyone if they're comfortable living in Iowa. Everyone is all, "IOWA IS SO SEXY AND COOL."

We learn that Jade used to "model, for like a web site, for clothing." But, now she is developing organic makeup. Then the Sistas said, "Oh, many talents!"

If someone, said to me, to my face, "I'm developing an organic makeup line," I would probably set her car on fire.

-----

Back to the "lake!"

Kelsey is trying to take over Tim Allen's PureMichigan commercials and she is NOT impressed with this lake, she wants to go to a lake in Michigan, NOT this hell hole. She is so angry over this "lake" she's spent the entire day fake smiling and now wants to stab a fork in her own eye.

"This is questionable." -- Kelsey
PREACH.

About this time, Chris announces that they are all spending the night at the "lake." THEY ARE GOING CAMPING.

Two of the gUrls put up one of the tents by themselves and Chris looked at them and said, "what just happened?" HE IS THE TYPE OF GUY WHO ASKS TO CUT A gUrl's STEAK WHILE THEY ARE AT APPLEBEE'S.

IT'S A TENT, NOT THE PENTAGON, CHRIS.

-----

The CruiseShipG sits down with the Sistas.

"I haven't had a guy be very nice to me....my grandpa loved my grandma." -- CruiseShipG
Shut that down, gUrl. Don't lead with that. Like, no guy ever has been nice to you? 

We learn that Jade gets the one-on-one date from the Sistas. They were VERY impressed with her entrepreneurial spirit.

-----

Chris wants to take his kids camping, so he is really enjoying making those kabobs for the Gs.

Kaitlyn gets some time with Chris and she just wants to know what makes Chris-- Chris.

LIKE NO OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD-- HE IS TOUCHY-FEELY.
Kaitlyn got her own house, got her own car, two jobs, works hard, she a bad broad.
She doesn't want a man to give her gifts, SHE WANTS WORDS.

We've found our villain! It's that gUrl who is obsessed with Michigan! Apparently, she's the first gUrl to ever fake laugh on a date. (According to the Gs.)

Crazy Ass Ashley drank some whiskey and then sang a song that went, "taat-te-taat-te-taat-te-ta."
I didn't hate it.

"What are you?" -- Ashley S., to Chris
Totally fair question. 

"Look at the moon, it's so entertaining." -- Ashley
It is?

This chick is on-point.

Ashley I. tells Chris that she doesn't like guys, but she has a "frickin' crush" on him. That was an invitation for him to kiss her. Obvi.

Now, it's time for the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kaitlyn gets the rose and now, it's time for everyone to go back to their tents.

Ashley I. is obsessed with the fact that she is a virgin.

"I don't think Chris could guess that I'm a virgin." -- Ashley I.
Like, how do you phrase that?
Chris...you'll never guess what I've never done! Guess! 

She heads to his tent.
"I am freakin' innocent." --Ashley I. 
"The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were smart, well-rounded and a girl." --Chris

She keeps referring to her virginity as a "vibe."
She feels like she really spilled the beans.

She doesn't want him to think she's a hook-up gUrl, so she went to his tent really late at night and made out with him and talked about her "vibe."

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

-----

It's time for one-on-one date with Cinderella. Or Jade. Whatever.

A few homeless people come into the mansion screaming, "Jade! Jade! Where's Jade?!"
They are there to transform her into a "modern-day Cinderella."

Ashley I. is FAH-REAKIN' out because apparently, she is the ONLY gUrl in the entire world ever who's wanted to feel like Cinderella.

I'm like-- y'all, Cinderella's mom died and her dad married a real bitch. Christmas probably sucks.

Ashley I. cannot believe how frustrated she is.

OHHHHHHHH.
ABC.
DISNEY.
YOU TRICKED ME.

This segment sponsored by a movie, produced by Disney.

Is that really how JUELIA spells her name?
Has to be a typo.

-----

Chris is waiting on his date.

"I hope at the end of all of this, my fairy-tale comes true." -- Chris
A MAN JUST SAID THIS.

They sit down to dinner and just talk about being engaged before. Chris likes that Jade told him things he needed to know.

Back at the house: Ashley I. is eating corn (off the cob) while wearing a "princess dress" and drinking white wine on a couch alone. AND IF YOU THINK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SHE HAS EVER DONE SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU ARE INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jade calls Omaha a "transition" town. SHOUT OUT, OMAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris gives Jade a rose because he is "really impressed" with her knowledge of Omaha.
Jade really "peeled back the layers" tonight. She doesn't tell just anyone about Omaha.

Chris said Jade has a "Cinderella-feel" to her.
In other words, "she feels like she used to be poor and sad and kind of smells like bleach, but she looks really pretty."

ABC BE TRIP'N PLAYING THAT NEW MOVIE UP THERE.

PRINCE CHARMING.
PRINCE FARMING.

I HAVE NO NICE THINGS.

Jade has a curfew and they said "fairy-tale" 469 times.

Kudos to her running down those stairs in that dress and heels though!

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!

LET'S GET DURRTY!

Everyone puts on a wedding dress and gets in a limo.

Jillian is mad. She likes to hike and run.
She's not feeling the best that she can feel today.

Now, the Gs are on a private plane.
Chris greets them on the runway in a tuxedo.

"We're in San Francisco!" -- Chris
I'm actually surprised he didn't show them that on a map. 

He whisks them away to a muddy obstacle course. You know, one of those tough mudder race things.

They must race, against each other, in their wedding dresses. The winner gets the evening date with Chris.

JILLIAN IS SO IN HER ELEMENT.
There's being outdoorsy and athletic and there's running through a muddy obstacle course and calling it your "element."

Carly compares Jillian's muscles to Chris' muscles. And other things.

Chris, being an ass, decided to "hang back" and "help" the gUrls finish the race.
CHRIS IS THE TYPE OF GUY WHO HAS NEVER DONE HIS OWN LAUNDRY.

Jillian wins the date and gets to go to a fancy hotel suite for dinner!

Chris asks Jillian, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Jillian starts talking and doesn't really stop.
She doesn't have a 5-year plan.

Chris is not happy with this.

She basically starts talking about working out and her un-athletic dad and her mom's "training" and Chris is not impressed.

Jillian broke her dad's heart because something about Cleveland and then, dirty jokes.

"Would you rather have sex with a homeless gUrl who's crazy OR abstain from sex for 5 years?" -- Jillian, to Chris
She did not get the rose. 

Gosh, I don't know why. That seems like a totally normal question to ask a guy.

Chris says his goals aren't aligned with Jillian's, so he's going with his gut-reaction and it's not there for him.

Jillian starts crying.
Lots of deep sighs.
Hugs.

"I hope I find love, not just love-- love with the person I am supposed to share my life with." --Jillian
Good clarification. 

Chris goes over his bio again-- he's 33 years old and he's been single for most of his life. Minus that 7-year stretch with the gUrl he asked to marry him. Otherwise-- UNATTACHED.

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!

GAME ON!!!!!!

One of the chicks blind folds Chris and feeds him fruit.

Ashley I. is still FAH-REAKING out. She thought she clarified everything, but her "vibe" was all off. So, tonight-- she's telling him.

Chris is VERY confused.
Ashley I. doesn't want him to be freaked out.

"It's not something I'm super serious about." -- Ashley I.
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

Of course, Chris is "impressed" by this fact.

At this point, I'm convinced she is just waiting on him to be like, "May I de-flower you now?"
LIKE, WHAT IS HER DEAL.
WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, gUrl?
REIN IT IN.

Everyone in the house is WAY OVER her v-card.

"If he doesn't give me a rose tonight, I know he's not the one." -- Ashley I.
OBVIOUSLY.

THEN, THAT OTHER CHICK TOLD HER SHE WAS A VIRGIN, TOO.
HEADS ARE SPINNING.
DADS EVERYWHERE ARE CLAPPING.

Ashley I.'s eyes rolled back in her head and I thought she was going to have a seizure.

Britt pulls Chris aside and asks the greatest question ever on this show.

"I want to know why these actions and behaviors were validated." -- Britt, to Chris over his whoring ways

He cannot answer.
His integrity has been questioned AND THAT IS TOUGH.
He is literally speechless. Like, words cannot come out of his mouth in the form of sentences.

Chris appreciates her honesty and is glad to have the conversation, BUT HE GETS HIS ASS UP AND LEAVES REAL QUICK.

ChrissyPoo shows up.

"I am a man and I will handle this like a man." -- Chris, over his whoring ways

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Britt is scared now. She's "totally worried."

Chris tells ChrissyPoo that things "changed this week."
ChrissyPoo also put those words in his mouth, so I'm not sure if it's true or not.
Also, I couldn't hear him.

LADIES, CHRIS, IT'S THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!
WHEN YOU'RE READY.

Duh. Britt gets the final rose.

Juelia (seriously-- spelling?) has a daughter and Chris thinks she is special, so he held her hands for way too long.

Ashley S. is going home and the world is weeping.
Y'all, this G has this game on LOCK.
She invented the damn game.

"I feel nothing." -- Ashley S.
Amen.

the bachelor :: chris : epi 3.

"An exciting new episode of 'The Bachelor'!"
Lies.

We learn that the male visiting the show is Jimmy Kimmel. He must feel very secure in his career. Or they paid him an actual shit ton of money. Like, a truck backed up to his house and just dumped money on his lawn.

Jimmy is going to "help" Chris with the decision.

ChrissyPoo Harrison is looking F2D with his v-neck tee under that blazer.

Kaitlyn gets the date card.  She's "pretty excited." Even Chris doesn't know what the date is-- supposedly. He's just in limo giggling like a middle school gUrl as ole G is guessing what the date is.

The limo pulls up to Costco, because it's what real couples do.

Do you know what I do if a male went to Walmart with me and pushed the cart?
I'd go on a reality show to fulfill that dream.

"There aren't many gUrls I know who could handle a date like this." -- Chris
DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE IN A GIANT GROCERY STORE AND NOT BOSNIA?

They put everything in the limo and ride off. The limo drove off with the trunk up. I hope that was real. Like, I hope with everything in me that was real.

Jimmy Kimmel is coming over for dinner and Kaitlyn really started feeling feelings when Chris started seasoning that steak. Like, for real. That's what she said.

They start making out, but then Jimmy arrives, so they stop so he doesn't make fun of them. And then there's some weird giggling or something.

Chris hopes Jimmy doesn't show up.
I hope they cancel this show.

"She likes beef and whiskey." -- Chris

Kaitlyn reveals that she's dated "legit" farmers before.
Actually, just one farmer.

I think they only served steak to Jimmy Kimmel. Which, if fine. But, kind of a shitty party.
Oh, there's a giant basket of salad.

Jimmy asks about the fantasy suite. Chris giggles terribly. They just keep talking about sex and Chris cannot stop giggling.

He giggles just like my fake laugh I made up in 8th grade.
Seriously, I had this terrible fake laugh that I made myself do in 8th grade.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose because he was "super impressed" today. Like, he really liked the way she handled herself in Costco. Like Costco was Easter dinner at a nursing home with a combative grandmother or something.

Jimmy finally leaves and Chris and Kaitlyn decide they wouldn't trade it for another date because it was so "normal." I'm assuming they hang out with super famous people ALL. THE. TIME.

They get in the hot tub and Chris likes her because she's "real." I think she was wearing a leather bikini.

I would hate to watch like, "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" with Chris.
HE THINKS EVERYTHING IS FUNNY.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a "Hoe-Down Throw Down." Sounds like a college party.
Or a terrible 1st birthday party.

Jimmy wants the ladies to do farming chores as part of an elimination challenge.

Carly isn't good at "being very competitive."
Which is why her singing career has gotten all the way to the level of cruise ship singer.

Shucking corn is hard. Chris says if some chick can't shuck a little corn and get her hands dirty-- she's not the gUrl for him.

This goat milking thing is pretty awful. A couple of gUrls are wearing fancy jewelZ like they're in a rap video and not milking a goat to win a rose from Kroger.

That one chick's butt was hanging out again.
#Prayers4DatGsDad

The Cruise Ship singer milked the goat and drank it. She started shoveling that manure like she had something to live for. SHE IS NOT JUST A CRUISE SHIP SINGER.

AND THEN THAT CHICK JUMPED OVER THAT FENCE.
Y'all. That was real. And it was awesome.
She is wearing those Nikes for a reason.

Carly, not just a Cruise Ship Singer, won and she did a terrible dance, which leads me to believe she will always be a cruise ship singer, SO.
Winning an all-expenses paid life trip to Iowa IS a step up.

------

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carly pulls Chris aside faster than that G jumped over that fence and everyone is mad.

She is dressed like a cruise ship singer. But, one who shops at Chico's on New Year's Eve at the last minute before heading to a hotel bar. Like, a hotel bar out by an airpot. One of those.

"You are a man and I am a woman." -- Carly
That was her excuse for kissing him.

Then, Chris starts kissing EVERYONE.

"There's a fair amount of kissing going on, which is the point of this whole deal." -- Chris
OH. 

AT LEAST HE'S BEING HONEST?

The chick with the baby named Kale called him out on it.

"Why are you kissing everyone else?" -- gUrl with kid named Kale

"Well, you know, eh. That's a good question. I don't know. Honestly, kissing is something, I think, part of a relationship, getting to know someone. I need to be who I am and put myself out there." -- Chris

If you ask someone why they are doing something kind of, sort of not cool and their answer is, "I need to be who I am," you need to follow-up with-- "are you 15?"

Only middle school gUrls yelling at their dads say shit like that.
Or gUrls who want to go to art school for $60,000 a year.

Chris follows up that convo by hugging a gUrl in a white dress.
I do not know her name. She feels a connection, but she doesn't want to "rush" anything, because this whole process is slow and methodical and thoughtful.

Carly was BOLD today and she really wants that rose.
She is seriously dressed like a newly divorced mom who's never been out on a Friday. No one else is wearing sequins.

gUrl in the white dress who hugged Chris got the rose.

CARLY IS MAD.

"Roseless feels so bad." -- Carly
But, not as good as skinny looks?

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME.

Is he on a date with a chipmunk drinking rosè?
(I closed my eyes for a second and that's all I heard was a chipmunk.)

"...She can roll the cob, you know what that means?" -- Chris
First off, rude.
Don't ask a gUrl if she understands, she does. 
Second, YOU ARE FROM IOWA. That's not like it's some weird Dutch saying your grandmother taught you from the old country. 

What is Iowa?

Ole chick says she meets people in airports and becomes their friend on Facebook. So, she's like a stalker.

THE INCESSANT GIGGLING IS MAKING ME WISH MY EARS WERE BLEEDING.

Chick wants to crash a wedding. Chris doesn't. He keeps waiting on an ABC Producer to swoop in and save him.

"YOLO!" -- Chick
CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF GIGGLING.

So, now they're totally ready to crash the wedding.

G is the gUrl who's been dreaming of her wedding say since she was a little gUrl.
OH, HOW NOVEL. YAWN.


"Worst thing today is we could end up in jail." -- Chris
NO, CHRIS. THIS WAS PRE-ARRANGED. 
YOU'LL BE FINE. 
YOLO, RIGHT?

They came up with wedding outfits VERY quickly.

They are VERY worried about people asking them why they are there. So, they walked around saying, "Bride or groom?"

HAVE THEY EVER BEEN TO A WEDDING?
JUST EAT THE FOOD AND DRINK THE DAMN WINE.
You don't have to make an emotional connection with any of these people, just go through the damn buffet line and don't throw up on the dance floor.

They ended up on the dance floor with the bride and groom.
Whitney thinks he's a great dancer and he's from Iowa and lives alone on a farm.

She is fairly inaccurate on her description of his dancing.

"I feel so blessed, honestly." -- Whitney, to Chris, while dancing
OH. SHIT. 

She says she's never felt a connection like this on a first date, which leads me to believe she's never 1.) been on a first date or 2.) gotten a little wine drunk on a first date.

"I feel like this is the beginning of a long journey of a lifetime." -- Whitney
That could be the opening line of about a dozen Lifetime movies. Right before someone gets hit in the head with a shovel. 

Chris is just AMAZED at the fact that Whitney could go to a wedding and act like a normal human being. He's so shocked he takes off into a dead sprint to go steal a rose from a table at the wedding.

CHRIS, HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN A DATE TO A WEDDING BEFORE?
If so, has she ever introduced herself to people before you could?
Did she dance with you?
Have you ever seen people at a wedding before? Were they wearing name tags?
What was so impressive to you?

WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? SERIOUSLY.

"This could be one of the greatest love stories of all-time." -- Whitney
gUrl, google: Abigail and John Adams.
That is the greatest love story of all-time. 
Good night and good luck. 

-----

Jimmy shows back up to tell the gUrls there is no cocktail party tonight.

POOL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You guys like the pool?" -- Jimmy
It's like everyone has to ask the gUrls questions you'd ask kindergartners.
I'm surprised he didn't tell them to wait 30 minutes after eating before getting into the pool. 


Chris arrives and he says it's his dream to have a pool party with 18 women.

Chris, I've been to about a million pool parties with just women and it's basically just gUrls swapping magazines and talking about being "so hot" without ever really getting in the pool. Nothing to write home about.

Britt sits down with Chris and we get an up-close view of that necklace he's wearing.

Britt asks him some questions, but before he can finish what he is saying, she just starts mugging down. He even tries to talk through the kissing and can't.

Jade wants to just "get in there" and have "no regrets."
So, in a bold move, she asks for a tour of his BachPad.

Jillian decides to head over there, too. She gets in his hot tub.

Jade decided to "test the bed out" with him.
She is legit wearing stripper heels with her robe and bikini.

At most pool parties, gUrls just wear flip-flops.

They make out on the bed.
Jillian is still waiting.

Chris decides to hit the hot tub with Jillian, while Ashley I. is in "super finding Chris mode." She thinks it's a treasure hunt. She finds him and isn't "interrupting, just joining."

I cannot take that chick seriously with the thing on her head and then the belly-button ring. That's a sure-fire sign of everything but wife.

There's some kissing in the hot tub. Well, on the ledge of the hot tub. To her credit, she didn't get in the hot tub and straddle him or anything.

gUrl with kid named Kale invades the hot tub right when the kissing stops.

It starts getting weird because all the gUrls interrupted the alone hot tub time, but Jillian just stands her ground and continues the conversation.

Ashley I. cries because that's just not how she would've handled it.

gUrl with the kid named Kale is just picking wedgies during all of this.

Ashley I. runs away.
Because, that's how to make your point about getting alone time.

Kale's Mom comes back to tell everyone else about what happened in the hot tub.

Chris arrives looking for Ashley I. and she immediately takes him upstairs.

"I felt pretty desperate." -- Ashley I.
NO. You?

"I just want everything to feel natural." -- Ashley I.
Oh. Okay. 

She basically cries during the time they are alone together and then, they kiss. Chris is super into gUrls crying. They kiss so much they almost fall off the ledge of the roof they are sitting on.

Ashley I.'s confidence is BACK.
So. LOOK OUT.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like that. Bathing suits and all.

Chris tells the gUrls he's been there before and he needs some time to think about his decisions.

Everyone puts on their prom attire and it's!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy is back.

Chris comes out and screws up his one job: giving a fake-ass speech before the rose ceremony.
He gets names wrong, says "amazing" so much he finally starts correcting himself and so on.

Some of these chicks are wearing earrings the size of a Ford Escort.

CAA (Crazy Ass Ashley) didn't get even a full minute of screen time, but totally got a rose.

LADIES, CHRIS, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley I. ain't got a rose yet, EVEN AFTER ALL THAT ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION, SHE IS NOT READY TO GO HOME.

PRAISE REPORT: SHE GOT THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think the gUrls practice their "thank you" whispers? I kind of do. No, I know they do. I think they rehearse a lot.

"You're a good gUrl." -- Chris, to gUrl in blue dress
Really great example of what not to say to a gUrl when you don't want to even fake date her any longer. 

Until next week.

the bachelor :: chris : epi 2.

It's hard to reconcile that this is on every single week and people are starving in places.

"Remember 2 minutes ago when he said goodbye to? It means see you never." -- gUrl
IT'S NOT GOODBYE, IT'S SEE YOU LATER. 

So, like, what is happening? A gUrl came back and wants more time to talk? So, now she is back?

CHRIS. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND.

Can you imagine being THAT gUrl?
Hey, are you the gUrl that begged the guy on national TV to stay on the show? 

------

Chris and ChrissyPoo are having a sit-down. Chris is wearing non-laced Converse. You know who wears those? Kids who can't tie their shoes.

This guy is all, SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK or something. I honestly cannot hear him.

"Chris said this is the most important thing he will ever do in his life." --ChrissyPoo
Sounds like hearsay!

ChrissyPoo told the ladiez that Chris was living just 15 feet away and showering naked all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The reaction most of the ladizez had to this information leads me to believe they have never had neighbors before.

You know who zips his hoodie half-way up? This guy.

-----

Chris is ready for a group date and he wrote on the card, "Show me your country!"

Now, at least half of these Gs think Iowa is another country. : (

But, that leads me back to my question from last week-- what IS Iowa?

"Last night was crazy, so let's have a pool party!" -- Chris

Most original thought ever. 

Chris thinks this pool party is "taking things to the next level." So, if swimming is the "next level," can you imagine what dinner means? Like, dinner alone?

Two chicks snuck into Chris' house and one chick's lower parts kept getting censored. I assumed she was wearing a swimsuit, but since swimming is the "next level," maybe it is necessary? 

The pool party is over and the gUrls are walking through downtown LA in their bikinis which is totally objectifying and awful. But, whatever. ITZ TV AND NO, I'M NOT OFFENDED. 

Oh, "show me your country" means driving a small ass tractor in a bikini.

OKAY, NOW I AM OFFENDED. 

Isn't traffic in LA bad enough? This can't be helping the situation. 

Chris' impersonation of the tractors going slow was some of the better television I've ever seen. 

Ashley I. CANNOT believe she won the tractor race and now she gets alone time with Chris and you know what I cannot believe? THAT ABC THINKS IT'S OKAY TO MAKE THEM DRIVE THOSE TRACTORS AROUND IN BIKINIS, LIKE ITZ NOT A THING. 

The one-on-one time was just Chris and Ashley I. sitting on a tractor. She doesn't even care that she's FREEZING, BECAUSE THIS IS AMAZING. (Baby gUrl, your father is so, so sad this morning.)

Now, there are hay bales in downtown LA, because SHE'S COUNTRYYYYY, FROM HERE DOWNHOME ROOTS TO HER BIKINI AND WEDGES. 

------

My cable went out for 6 minutes. 

Now, everyone is clothed and Chris is saying he's "never had that conversation" on a first date.

Ole gUrl is talking about aliens on a first date and Chris thinks it's a red flag, but clearly he is color blind, because THERE IS SO MUCH OTHER BAD HAPPENING AROUND HIM.

I could make a list of 289 moronic things I've said on first dates or worse-- job interviews. That's what happens on first dates. ALSO, THEY ALREADY TOOK IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AT THAT POOL PARTY!

It's really hard for this chick to say that she has a son.
I can only imagine this is how my mother feels.
JUST KIDDING.

She finally told him and all he said is, "tough gUrl."

Chris is the type of guy would react to news about a terrorist attack the same way he would react to using a coupon at K-Mart.

It's like, he has emotions, but HE IS BORING AS SHIT AND IS A FARMER FROM IOWA.

He gave that chick a rose, so aliens be damned!!!!!!!!!
Dancing! Dipping! Giggling! A kiss!

-----

Y'all. That date card showed up and Megan thought it was just a note-- not an invitation for a date. AGAIN, MEGAN, YOU ARE A WHITE, SINGLE gUrl, YOU REALLY TELLING ME YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHOW WORKS?

White gUrls know the rules to this show about the same time they memorize "Mean Girls" and pick a favorite Kardashian.

Chris shows up for the date and luckily, Megan is on the same page. She has googled "date" and gets it.

They get on a plane and head to Las Vegas.

FIRST HELICOPTER OF THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point in my life, the least impressive thing a man could do for me is take me somewhere in a helicopter. Unless that helicopter is going to take my car to get the oil changed or fry the bacon on Saturday mornings-- NOT INTERESTED.

The helicopter lands in the Grand Canyon, which is pretty cool. The Grand Canyon is one of the first memories I have in life. Well, I definitely remember the trip to the Grand Canyon. Involved multiple cans of cheese balls.

So, this chick's boss signed her up for the show. Any employer that can say, "We don't need you here for 6 weeks," is probably trying to tell you something else, baby gUrl.

Baby gUrl's dad died right before the show and like, I cannot even imagine.

In the midst of that terrible, terrible story, Megan managed to fit in two things:

1. She is here for the right reasons.
2. She is taking a HUGE leap of faith. 

Both points seemed unnecessary at the time.
She should give a TED Talk anytime soon, okay?

Chris gives her a rose, because WHAT JACK ASS WOULD DUMP A G FOLLOWING THAT STORY AND MOMENT?

------
The next group date card comes and reads, "Until death do us part."

"I don't want to die today." -- chick
Yeah, because ABC is going to take on that lawsuit. 

This is literally every gUrl's worst fear and nightmare.
I can't tell where they are, but some zombies come out and they got in the limo. Or climbed on top of the limo.

Clearly, none of these gUrls spent any amount of time reading R.L. Stine growing up.

Someone is taking shots of whiskey.
She ain't play'n.

"I'm excited to see these gUrls in this type of element." -- Chris
UH. What is this element, kind sir? 
This isn't camping or lifeguard certification. 

Apparently they are "killing" zombies. But, Ashley wants to shoot each other. I'm right there with you, gUrl.

"Listen, I would never shoot you." -- Ashley
Again, ABC ain't gonna mess with that lawsuit. 

PSA: KIDS, IF YOU MOVE TO L.A. TO TRY TO MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR, THERE IS A 95% CHANCE THAT YOU WILL END UP AS A ZOMBIE AT A PAINTBALL FACILITY. YOUR FATHER IS RIGHT. 

Chris is just really impressed with "how cool and amazing" these women are.
Again. This is the guy who eats at an Applebee's and raves to his friends about a "cool, little neighborhood spot."

Is Ashley S. drunk or the world's best character?

Oh! They found "the beacon!"
I'm glad there was an objective.

"You guys really killed it today." -- Chris' toast to the ladiez
Y'all. You know a producer wrote him that joke and he just LOL'd like crazy. 

At this point, Ashley S. is looking like a very disheveled middle school math teacher.
Fractions are hard.

Chris is getting some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn (I think) and she's all, "I just want to laugh and be funny."

Oh, okay. FYI-- if you have to tell someone you want to be funny, you probably aren't that much fun or even funny.

OMG. Chris loves her jokes.

Kaitlyn just can't live in Germany her whole life, so Iowa is going to be a damn dream come true!

Ashley S. wandered off and came back saying "boom!" and then something weird about, "go find your own truth" before going to find Chris. Chris asks her to go on a walk and baby gUrl says she wants to go hide. Then, she agrees to the walk.

Here's the thing-- Chris doesn't know she's drunk. He really has no idea.
He has one strawberry daiquiri  down at TGI Friday's and is a goner, so this level of drunkenness is totally foreign to him.

He thinks she just had a lot on her mind. I think I met her in college 400 times.

First Impression Rose gUrl gets some time with Chris and tells him that she isn't worried. It's going to work out and she's not stressed. She says it very plainly and clearly and follows it up with, "Does that make sense?" gUrls who try to validate every statement they make with a follow-up question like that are the worst.

Oh. Chris gave her a coupon for a kiss.
I bet the emoticons this guy sends in just one text message is asinine.

Like, if we went through his texts, we would, without a doubt, find this:

:-p

Not okay.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and she acted like a small child upon receiving it.

-----

PRE- ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't even make it this far last week, so I feel like I'm really progressing. Or regressing. I definitely meant regressing.

Oh, Whitney set up a little special date and got ole boy some special Iowa whiskey. You know, for a "special taste of home."

"I can't change what happened, I can only hope for what will happen." -- Whitney
Uh.

Oh. I cannot even with this virgin talk. These chicks think she's a gamer now. Like, it's some special trick. ASHLEY I., I AM PRAYING SO HARD FOR YOUR FATHER RIGHT NOW.

Drunken fake fights over kissing.
Yelling.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When gUrls start talking about "deserving" a rose, I check out. I cannot even dive far enough into what we do and do not deserve.

OH. THAT CHICK FELL WHEN SHE WAS WALKING UP TO GET HER ROSE. BUT, IT WASN'T EVEN HER NAME OR SOMETHING. WHAT.

Julia.
Jillian.

I can hear it? IDK.

That Kimberly chick might not get a rose again. And that is going to really, really hurt.
I would change my damn name when I got home!

Ladies, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa. Ashley S. gets the rose.
ABC Producers come through in the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Kimberly didn't get a rose twice. TWICE.
There is nothing worse in the world than experiencing junior high gUrl emotions as a full-blown adult and that has to be what she is feeling. The worst.

Anytime a guy says, "good luck" to you, you should probably be done with all things. Forever.

So, that was it until all the previews of the a dude getting out of a limo. I can only assume ABC has really gone full-tilt on us and is bringing in a male suitor for Chris.

OY.

the bachelor :: chris : epi 1.

OMIGAH. OMIGAH. A PREMIERE LIKE WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. 

Other than those commercials about old people falling in the shower-- this is already the saddest thing I've ever seen on TV and all that's happened so far is a bunch of white gUrls screaming.

What is Iowa? I know where it is, but what is it?

He's just like, doing math and talking about land. SNOOZE FEST. Now, he's just talking about how the seasons change. Chris, the farmer, wants someone who also enjoys the seasons to be his wife.

He's a farmer, but seems to wear a lot of J. Crew and rolls his jeans. He also just hangs out on streets corners and in bars with really, really, really old dudes.

"This is the best way to find love... I'm working my ass off." -- Chris
I don't get it. 

Why is he wearing that motorcycle "outfit"? And it's definitely an outfit.

-----

It's time meet the floozies!!!!!!!!

gUrl standing on the side of Hollywood Boulevard giving out "free hugs" and we've reached the end of planet earth.

The ballet instructor who lives with her mom called herself crazy. So. IDKIDKIDKIDK. She's probably not here for the right reasons.

Mackenzie named her baby KALE. Like, the food. She looks like a rogue Duggar, you know?

So glad this flight attendant is here to compare flying to a journey to love. Otherwise, how would any of us understand love?

-----

So. this is like, live or something. Who were those people on the red carpet? Can you imagine? The worst thing in the world to me is being stuck in an airport because of a delayed flight. I would eat ham off of an airport bathroom floor, because I live there, before going to that red carpet.

Didn't those people take a life skills class in 8th grade?

This happened though. Ole gUrl gets her close-up and check out that do. : (
What a damn shame.

-----

Chris hits up the BachPad and it's very wooded. Like, it's all wood. There's an outdoor shower and we had to watch him take a shower. Outside.

He's a bit of a mumbler and I can't really hear anything he is saying. Other than like, "corn corn corn farmer Iowa corn."

The limos arrive and the first chick gave Chris a 2-hour hug.

So many hugs and cartoon-y character voices.

I still can't hear a word this guy is saying.

Oh, look how silly he is! He just knocked on the limo window! Soooooooooooooo SiLlY.

Oh. Of course. Some chick just walked out in boots and jorts. FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE BECAUSE ABC BE ON THAT LIKE TURN DOWN FOR WHAT.

Some idiot brought a teddy bear with her and what an idiot. I would probably put that teddy bear in the garbage disposal, because I'm honestly the worst human I know.

The Ballet Teacher is a sociopath. In a two-piece. Her mom said she'd kick her out if she embarrassed her, so I am guessing baby gUrl is homeless now. : (

CHRIS SEEMS LIKE A GUY WHO WOULD TAKE YOU ON A FIRST DATE TO PICK OUT MATCHING PAJAMAS. 

Ashley got out of that limo and looked like she got out at the wrong place. She also borrowed that dress from a Taylor Swift concert wardrobe closet (which is good and bad).

I zoned out for a few minutes, but a gUrl is telling dirty jokes and another gUrl is super offended. Another gUrl didn't get the joke. But, this is ABC and it's a family show. So. IDK.

That one chick is super concerned with the numbers and doing math. Everyone's all like, "2 more limos with 5 more gUrls is 10 more gUrls and we only have 15 gUrls, so we're missing 10 gUrls, so there could be 2 more limos."

DO THEY ALL KNOW HE LIVES ON A FARM AND WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS LIVE ON A FARM?

We're back to the math, "Typically, 7 gUrls go home on the first night, but there's not 25 gUrls, so maybe less will go home, unless 2 limos with 5 gUrls come and then there's 25 gUrls."


Fertility nurse is a talker. Hand holding. Chris is "excited" about her.


OMIGAH. MORE LIMOS ARE COMING.

THE GAME JUST CHANGED BECAUSE I REALIZED IT IS 3 HOURS LONG.

Zoned out again.

gUrl rolled in a crocheted dress with a poster board. E'eryb'dy real mad. I'm pretty mad about that karaoke machine because I want it. I'd keep it in my car.

There doing the math again. So much math. Like, what was your high school graduation like? TORTURE.


Someone's head is going to explode, because now, there are going to be 30 gUrls. That is like, 5 more gUrls than some of those gUrls thought there would be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo came out and give other Chris a speech and then Chris told the ladiez he was #overwhelmed. He said "overwhelmed" a lot. Maybe only three times, but a lot.

Some G put on some yoga plants and started doing a dance. Chris also started to dance. It looked like a bad Jane Fonda workout video. I am unsure if dancing is allowed in Iowa.

That gUrl dressed like Taylor Swift managed to get drunk and find a flower to give to Chris, but first she gave the flower to a chick to get her to go away. It was actually one of the smoothest moves I've seen on this show. But, the G was white gUrl wasted.

"I want to run through sunflower fields." -- gUrl dressed like T. Swift
Translation: I will uproot my life to Iowa for you. 

"My best friends are Jameson, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker." -- gUrl
Red flag: she only has guy friends!!!!!!

If Chris was going to sing karaoke, he would sing a Tim McGraw-Faith Hill duet. Because, he really needs to play up this damn farming thing. Farmers ONLY listen to country music.

ONCE, I FOUND A WHITNEY HOUSTON TAPE IN MY GRANDPA'S TRUCK. HE WAS A FARMER. THAT WAS 25 YEARS AGO AND I AM STILL CONFUSED. 

So, Chris kissed that first impression rose chick. The one that was a hugger. And someone is probably gonna burn this damn house down and the hos in it, too.

Chris has to cut some chicks and it's gut-wrenching for him, BUT IS HE EVEN THINKING ABOUT HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW?

It's 9:33 and he's only handed out like, 3 roses.

So, I guess one gUrl decided she was going to leave or something. I totally zoned and turned it off.

Here's the deal: this show was 3 hours long tonight and like, someday, when I meet my Lord and Savior and he asks me how I spent my time, I have to say-- telling him I spent 2.5 hours watching the Super Bowl of White Ladies versus 3 hours sounded much holier. Ya dig?

Amen.