Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Finale.

Ey! I'm being honest, I'm being honest. I'm so happy this is almost over. Es (totally) okay.

This episode, we have a live audience watching everything go down. Can you imagine? How does one even find out that that is a possibility? Shittiest surprise engagement party ever. But, I guess you don't have to bring a gift.


We're in Saint Lucia and for some reason, during JP's voiceover, he sounds super competent in English. His entire family is in da house! We got brothers, sisters, adult braces and a small, tiny, baby fedora.

"Where does she come from?" -- JP's dad
Like she's an explorer and not a contestant on a game show.

Right before Clare's arrival, JP announces he's excited to see if Claire will "fit" into his family. As if they could run out of room or something.

Of course, Clare rolls in and meets everyone and they have Camilla offscreen somewhere and she literally rolls in, screaming.

Apparently, Clare is the only person in her entire family that does not speak Spanish. She would also be the only person in JP's family that does not speak Spanish. If your entire family speaks Spanish and you grew up around that, you have to make an effort to NOT learn it, right?

Adult braces has a lot of questions for ClareBear.

Clare has a sit down with MamaBear and she says that JP "really gets her." Minus that time he had sex with her in the ocean and he got mad.

"How do you feel about your communication with Juan Pablo?" -- MamaBear
"I love it!" -- Clare
Wrong answer. 

"Well, he's rude." -- MamaBear
The very last person in the world you want to call you rude is mom. 

"Are you in love with my cousin?" -- AdultBraces

First off, cousin?

AdultBraces tells us that JP is one of those guys who likes to walk away when it gets tough, but Clare 1000% believes in love.

I, 1000%, believe she's an idiot.

AdultBraces calls Clare an angel.

PapaBear sits down with Clare.

"You are nice gUrl." -- PapaBear
Then, he says she will always have a father in him. 
So, Clare is in.

She called him a true gentleman, and then said she says where JP gets it from. But, a few minutes ago, she totally agreed with MamaBear that JP is super rude?

So, does that mean she thinks dad is rude, too?

Then, it's time for Clare to leave and basically, nothing happened. Clare got ready to leave and they had a little make out session and she told him 14-16 times, "I KNOW you were raised right, I KNOW."

Also, seems confused about percentages, because she keeps saying 1000%. Which is really only a thing in baseball. And there's no way she even knows that.



It's Nikki's turn to meet the fam! Listening to his family say, "Nikki" is very amusing.

His cousin explains to us what is happening, "We're going to meet Nikki today and I'm super excited... I can tell he can feel that connection...so, we are meeting a potential wife." OHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Nikki is all, "I know family is important."

Nikki came in guns a'blazin' and tattoo showin'.

"Mee-souri?" --AdultBraces
Then, Nikki did a geography lesson for the entire group. 

"I'm #soblessed to be a part of this." -- Nikki

JP is not worried about what his family will ask Nikki.

PapaBear asks how Nikki feels about JP being a single father. Then, he goes on and on and on about how JP is NOT an easy guy.

So, we have two gUrls and both parents have told the gUrls that their son is a selfish asshole. Neither of the gUrls asked for this information. It's like the parents are tossing out one last opportunity for these gUrls to run. RUN.

MamaBear asks Nikki how a weekend with JP would be. Nikki says, "...just have a a loving family, you know?" Oh, okay. Sounds like a super fun weekend.

Then, MamaBear says, "JP just wants to watch TV."

I'm super confident that MamaBear is trying to tell both of these gUrls that her son is the worst. He's not a bad dad or a super bad dude, but he's not great and definitely not worth this drama.

MamaBear is like the Venezuelan Oprah.

AdultBraces sits down with Nikki and tells her that JP is ready, ready (READY) to run when the going gets tough. Clearly, he's seen this happen before and he wants everyone to know this.

Nikki is all, "Fighting is fun! And passionate!"

I never want to start a relationship saying, "Yay! Fighting!"

It's time for Nikki to leave and the goodbye conversation was identical to Clare's convo.

But, of course, he implores her to, "think a lot."




Now, it's time for some one-on-one dates.

Clare is up first.


Clare doesn't think she would appreciate and love this experience if Juan Pablo wasn't with her.
Well, yeah. This experience would be pretty weird if we were just following Clare around South Korea.

"Clare's very hot, she's cute... and she kissess... ay, ay, ay." -- JP
This is very descriptive. 

Clare tells us that, for a brief moment they weren't mic'd up and the cameras weren't on. Clare says JP whispered to her.

"He told me he doesn't know me and some sexual thing. I don't even want to repeat. It was insulting. It was offensive. It just made me feel awful." -- Clare

So, now during all of this, JP is leading Clare up a hill and after all of this, I can only assume he's going to throw her off this cliff?

So, Clare doesn't get thrown off the cliff and we're back at the hotel.

Clare is breaking down the situation and Clare, again, is so upset that she can't even repeat what Juan Pablo whispered to her.

She needs to know if this is physical or if it's love.

JP walks in the door and Clare is already giving him the cold shoulder.

He keeps asking for a kiss in Spanish.

Clare asks JP to repeat what he said in the helicopter and JP has no idea what she is talking about.

She's trying to have a conversation and about 40 seconds in, he's all, "Is this why I not get a kiss?"

Clare needs more than a physical relationship.

"I know Clare...there are parts I don't like." -- JP
This guy is such a charmer. But. Seriously. 

Clare gets it. She's ready to pack it up. She has more to offer. She needs answers.

What could he have said in that helicopter?

Remember the sex in the ocean? Ay, ay, ay!
Remember! I'm a single dad!
Remember! I'm ESL!

Clare recalls the time she implemented a "no kissing" rule. JP says, "that was the best thing ever...but, you broke that rule!" He turns the tables and blames Clare again for the physical aspect.

Basically, we're hearing the exact same conversation we heard last week with Andi. BUT. Clare is being much nicer and trying much harder.

Juan Pablo is telling her, straight up, "I DON'T KNOW YOU, HO."
And she's totally like, "Yeah!"

I know she's not upset because she's using her sexy-whisper voice.
This whole process has made me realize I don't have a sexy-whisper voice and I would assume that is something all adult women should have! Right?

Somehow, this turned into something okay and now they are cuddling.

"I know if I end up with you, we're going to have a baby in a year and two months." --JP
What? So, you know if you pick her you'll do the sex a lot?

You know what just happened?

Clare ALMOST manned-up and went Hillary on his ass, but couldn't go through with it.
She retreated back into middle school gUrl mode and decided she had zero self-worth.

JP put on some sounds like a worship song and then, Clare cried.

Mostly, I'm sad. I'm because it's obvious Clare has no respect for herself. She keeps falling into this same trap of letting him shame her and talk down to her. This is not good.

"I don't want a rose. I want forever." -- Clare




It's Nikki's turn!
Neeeki, from Mee-souri!

JP described his evening with Clare as, "shaky."

JP knows Neeki is in love with him and he thinks she could be the one.

Kissing, kissing, kissing.

She's going on a boat for a day and only wears a tiny butt cover-up and flip-flops. You gotta be more prepared than that.

Nikki thinks JP's family is awesome, even though they all told him that this guy is a huge asshole.

What? What? What? What? What?

She tells him this and he just shakes his head, no, no, no. 

The background music is that of impending doom.

Nikki has waited a VERY LONG TIME to be in love like this.
She's 26 and has been waiting a long time to be on national television.

JP hasn't had a convo with either of them about the future or moving or anything, so this is a perfect lead-in for Nikki to ask what happens after.

JP mentions that he has a bed and a TV. And they can watch, "movies, whatever, sports."

"I will watch baseball by myself." -- JP
"Well, not always." -- Nikki
"A lot by myself." 

So, she asks what happens next and he tells he will be watching baseball alone.
I really don't know how this could be worse.

(Although, watching baseball on TV is really boring, so I'd be fine with him watching it alone, but you know, I WANT HIM TO WANT ME TO WANT TO WATCH IT.)

We are back at the hotel.

JP is recounting their time together and he said, "...and then, we played soccer."

They literally have nothing to talk about. There's no future talk, no moving talk, no nothing. Just, "we played soccer."

Nikki didn't think she'd be this nervous. But, you know who else is nervous? JP.

He's coached Nikki into saying, "It's going to be okay, okay."

Nikki brought a present for JP. It's a photo of her wearing that Pocahontas/Matilda Jane fringe number that no one should even wear as an offensive Halloween costume.

Then, she wrote a note and told him she loved him.

Kisssing, kissing, kissing.

"See you tomorrow." -- JP

They keep showing that live audience and every person there looks mortified. They all look like they want to call their daughters and tell them about dating and love and how this is the worst thing they have ever seen.


Nikki sits on the couch and cries.

She is actually doing the exact thing I am doing, minus the computer.

"Wow, so now Nikki's crying. Both women, in tears on their final date." -- Chrissy Poo Harrison


It's time.

The music sounds like we're watching a really bad Bourne movie.

There's a boat. There's a rose!
I bet it's so hot in that suit.

Clare is first. Duh. We know.

Can you imagine walking in heels on the beach?

Somehow, Clare is still into this.

She gets to JP.
He immediately leads with, "Es okay, es fine."

So, then, Clare starts.
She is still into and she thinks they have something special.

"I believe in you." -- Clare

JP says they have had ups and downs and they fixed them.


"I wish the Earth shocked me today because this is the hardest decision ever." -- JP
What does that mean? He wishes he was dead?
I don't want to be rude, but I wish the Earth would've "shocked" him, too. Whatever the hell that means.

He tells Clare he's gotta, DO ME, and say goodbye to her.

Clare is trying to tell him off and she brings up Sharleen and Andi and says, "You should've told me already."

"I thought I knew what kind of man you were... I'd never want my children to have a father like you." -- Clare
That was quite the dramatic exit and all, but she had to know that this was a possibility and technically, he couldn't tell her she wasn't the one the night before... because TELEVISION SHOW.

"Whew! I'm glad I didn't pick her." -- JP
Oh, gosh. I really, really, really don't think he gets it.

"I don't tell you love [BLEEPING] me!" -- Clare
Oh, gosh. 

So, I don't even know. She told him off, but also...IDK. I can't. This is pretty bad.


JP is there waiting, looking at a ring. You'll recall that we didn't get the sit-down time with Neil Lane this episode. : (

Nikki's dress. SLIT. Like, up to her butt.
Her dad has to really be enjoying seeing his daughter on television. She made the best decisions when it came to fashion and modesty and respecting one's self.

Nikki makes her way to the world's shittiest bachelor. Like, seriously, world's shittiest boyfriend or whatever they are. Just, shittiest.

Nikki starts off by saying thank you. She wants to be a part of his family. He just smiles.

"I don't want it to stop. I don't think it will. I love you." -- Nikki
"Thank you." -- JP

He thinks Nikki is "very honest, very honest. Just like me."
That's not good.

JP just told her that Nikki's dad told him that he could only propose if he's 100% sure.

JP lets her know that he has a ring, but he's not going to use it, "uh-uh."

All he says is, "I like you a lot, will you accept my final rose?"
And she says, "absolutely," like a really big dummy.

I'm really not sure what just happened. Other than, I think that's the best decision Juan Pablo has ever made.

I mean, he barely told Nikki that he liked her, because everyone knows repeating your feelings mostly invalidates them, not solidifies them. IDK. IDK.

Everything was bad. Everything is bad.

But, es okay, es over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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