Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 4.

JP and his Forever Valentine begin the epi by hanging out on the couch. That bow takes up an entire cushion. So, JP is leaving and stuff, but he brought baby gUrl all the way to LA anyway, because we need to know that like, he is a dad.

Chrissy Poo looks like he's going camping!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo tells the ladies they are going to the "home of Gangnam Style." Which, like... I'm sure South Korea is known for other things, right?

Clare tells us she has never gone anywhere and then she seems to think she's going to the moon?

The baby gUrls land and one G just screams, "We're in Asia!"

They walk through the streets of Seoul like Nick Carter's entourage before heading to their hotel to pick up the date card.

Nikki is MAD. She's halfway around the world and she has to spend the day with a bunch of annoying gUrls tomorrow. She's obviously one of the ladies who HAS NO IDEA ABOUT THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW.


JP is explaining what K-Pop is to all of us. Something about Gangnam Style and taking over America. I feel like there's a manufacturing or debt ceiling joke in here somewhere, but I can't find it.

The gUrls are riding around in one of those vans with a ladder on the back. Probably has a Nintendo in it, too.

"This is where K-Pop happens." -- JP
Is that how you say it?

So, we head into this studio, or "dance room" as one gUrl said and they all act like know who this 21 group is and what they do.

JP opens up the dancing and Kat is a dancer has been doing this before she could walk, so she is totally in her element. You know what I could do before I could walk? Breathe and cry. So, she is obviously way talented.

Chelsie calls this her "childhood dream." THIS? DANCING FOR A KOREAN POP GROUP IS YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAM? I wanted to be a doctor.

The gUrls learn a dance and Kat takes over and Nikki is real mad still. The group 21 heads back into the "dance room" and invites the ladies to perform with them at their "huge show." Can you even believe this happened? They learned a dance and now have to perform it in front of a huge crowd in another country. This show is so full of surprises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki wants to crap her pants and would rather perform for the Korean School of the Blind. But, if she did that they wouldn't be able to see her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's time for the ladies to pick out their performance outfits and Cassandra loves dancing and she loves performing, so this is the perfect combination of both for her.

Juan Pablo shows up in an outfit that he straight up stole from a Ken Doll.

Every gUrl puts on an outfit that they borrowed from a recovering meth addict.

If that 21 group is so big and famous why are they getting dropped off at the mall by their mom driving that huge ass van? So, at this point, they are just like every 13-year-old in America.

The gUrls hit the stage. I think everyone started straying from the choreography a little bit. Kat is a wearing a hat that says, "BOY." I don't get it.

Everyone is mad at Kat for just doing the damn thing. I think they are mad because she's the best dancer in South Korea.

I think Nikki had fun, but I don't think she's going to admit that to us.

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat gets some one-on-one time with JP and she wants him to know that's she WAY MORE THAN JUST A BACKUP DANCER FOR A KOREAN POP GROUP.

Nikki is telling the group that she thinks Kat is fake and that her offers of guacamole to the group are not sincere.

Kat is telling JP about her parents divorce and her dad's alcoholism and JP says, "Oh. How do you deal with that?" JP with the emotional support coming in strong!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It feels good to have feelings. It's a new experience for me." -- Kat

Cassandra is so ready to get out of that circle because Nikki is turning the group into a burn book.
Elise pulls him aside and says, "There are gUrls here who will not be good mothers." OUCHIES. Right now, a lot of my friends would say the exact same thing because my priorities mostly revolve around Bravo TV, craft beer and Twitter.

Nikki finally gets her time with JP and she says she's shy and really wants to be there.

"How do you feel about Camilla?" -- JP, out of nowhere
I guess this wasn't that shocking since everyone knows he's a dad, but the question seemed kind of out of the blue. 

Are these ladies only sitting around drinking tea? Worst date ever.

JP pulls Nikki aside again and grabs the rose at the same time. Ladies be mad. Elise is so mad she says she would never even let Nikki be around her child. EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A NURSE.

Nikki gets the rose and a kiss.



JP says Sharleen is his favorite right now because culture.

Sharleen isn't in love and she doesn't know if she wants to marry him.

JP did something different to his hair. Definitely over-gelled that ish. Definitely.

They bought some traditional Korean dresses and tried some food.

They kind of seem like they are just doing research for a middle school book report or something. It's kind of cute because JP is trying really hard and is really into her, but baby gUrl ain't impressed. I mean, she sings opera and he's wearing tight pastel yellow pants.

Sharleen got two degrees in music, because opera. JP says he would get a degree in soccer if he could.

"You are not bland." -- Sharleen
"Okay." -- JP
This date is every date I've ever been on.

JP takes Sharleen to a building with a courtyard and tells her to sing. She's all, "don't make me sing."

Finally, she does some voice exercises and starts belting something and then JP says, "you're good." Sharleen says she's opened up WAY MORE than she thought she would. There's some Spanglish and kissing. Oh. Lip biting!

JP is wearing a sweatshirt and Sharleen looks like she's going to dinner with Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman."

Sharleen says she could fall in love with JP, which is way different than what she was saying just a few minutes ago.

DINNER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP is trying so hard with this chick. And the poor guy thinks they have "so much in common." Maybe they do. IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I felt like such a foreigner." -- Sharleen, on living in Germany

"How many kids do you want?" -- JP
"Me?" -- Sharleen
LOL. Who else would he be talking to, gUrl?

Sharleen doesn't know how to answer this question. JP goes on and on about kids and dating a man with kids and then asks her again. She actually did a pretty decent job of answering the question and was just honest with the guy. He seemed to be into her answer, because he didn't even flinch and gave her a rose.

"You are different. You have class." -- JP
He keeps saying that to her, so I think he thinks the other gUrls don't have class. 
JP gets it. He really gets it. 


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're going to get KRAZY with a "K" today!!!!!!!

I'm sure everyone in Seoul loves hearing the streets of their city described as, "there's all this crazy stuff everywhere."

They've already said, "crazy" 189 times.

JP takes them to a Korean karaoke place and Clare can't read Korean, so she didn't know where they were.

They are singing karaoke in the tiniest room ever built and dancing around like 13-year-olds seeing color for the first time.

They leave the karaoke place and get some lemonade. Is anything crazier than lemonade?

Then, they get on some paddle boats shaped like ducks.

Then, they go get fish pedicures. The other patrons in this place, just enjoying some tea, are the least happy people in Seoul right now. Everyone is squealing. This is exactly like a middle school sleepover.

Why is JP carrying his phone around?

Ladies be noticing that Clare is territorial.

Clare doesn't want to eat octopus, as it's the "epitome of her fears." I think she's a liar. And she used that word incorrectly.

Things are weirder than octopus. Right?

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP pulls Renee aside and she thinks it would be the perfect night for a kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renee brings up both children before trying to kiss JP. Weirdsies. JP then tells us how many gUrls he has kissed and that he is going to slow down and not kiss any gUrls tonight. Renee be mad about that, y'all.

JP makes Andi sit on the ground and she has on the tightest dress in the group and like, I'd have trouble getting down there and getting back up.

They are just relaxing on the pavement, up against a concrete wall. ROMANCE.

"I love sleeping in!" -- JP

JP says Andi is "just perfect."

CUDDLE BUGGIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is obsessed with kissing this guy, but they don't know that he said there would be ZERO KISSES tonight!!!!!

Lauren S. asks JP to dance and then asks for a kiss in Spanish. JP says, "NO."
This is awkward. Worst dance ever.
She cries. A lot.

All the gUrls see JP hug Lauren S. and they are all sad. Lauren S. says she's there for the right reasons and then calls herself a "f***ing idiot." : (

"I just think Clare is very, very possessive...it's not a bad thing...if you're a dog." -- DogLover
Nailed it. 

Andi and DogLover are reenacting Clare eating the octopus. It's one of the best original screenplays I've ever seen.

"Do you want to know what happened?! I threw up in my mouth!" -- Clare
Maybe, don't share that.

JP says she likes Clare's "policy" of no kissing and asks how she made that decision. Then, she's all, "I said, no kissing, but I didn't say for how long!" Oh, Clare.

JP can't help it. He kisses her, because something about her teeth?

He better give her that rose to her after making her sit on that pavement and shit.
She feels like she really got to know him because he told her he likes to sleep in.


"We are in a palace. It's beautiful! IT'S PAINTED!" -- Chelsie
It's painted?

JP starts out the evening by pulling DogLover aside. DogLover's dress is missing an entire sleeve. : (
We don't see any of their convo. So, it must've been really stimulating. I'm assuming they just talked about dogs.

Clare gets some time and then Nikki starts lurking. Clare thinks Nikki is disrespectful.

Nikki tells DogLover that Clare is telling secrets. And DogLover calls Clare crazy, but I don't know if it's crazy with a "K" or just regular crazy.

Clare rolls up on this convo and then DogLover is like, "I'm uncomfortable between the two of you." This gUrl gets it... minus all that dog stuff. So, she doesn't really get it.

Nikki just thinks Clare is threatened by her and it's just all BLAH. BORED.

ChrissyPoo rolls in!!! This guy, this job. OY.

"People will have to fly home, 12 hours, feeling rejected." -- JP
LOLOLOLOL, but : (

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that gUrl, Allison, was Andi/Lauren S. Who is Allison?

Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is the final rose tonight!!!!!!!!!!


What is Chris Harrison's tie? Does he think he can get away with anything?

Elise is super disappointed. She's ready to have a family. So, this is "messed up."

Lauren S. rolls out in her Members Only jacket. She feels like she's ready for love and she's ready to find it. She thinks this is happening because she tried to kiss him. Now, she has to fly all the way home thinking that's why she is going home. IDK. Probably a lot of reasons.


JP tells the ladies they are going to Vietnam!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. I'm certain most of them know nothing about Vietnam.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 3.

We start the show off over a cup of morning joe. The mom is wearing a hoodie. I'm mad, but not mad. That dog is chit-chatting with everyone, too. I feel like she offers very little to the conversation. I'm trying not to judge though.

Chrissy Poo rolls in and is wearing TWO SHIRTS!!!! But, it's one shirt! TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!
He explains the rules. Something about getting a rose and sticking around. If you don't get a rose, you go home. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION.

Cassandra gets the one-on-one.


The Bachelor family is enjoying a picnic and JP is force-feeding his daughter chicken (?) and yelling threatening things about taking cars away. Or something.

The family leaves and CassiegUrl shows up. They jump into a dune buggy and do things like throw their hands in the air and stuff. OMG. That dune buggy is one of those things that can go in the water. I'm so thrilled for these two getting to do this.

FYI: Cassandra has not been on a first date since she was 18. Cassandra has not been on a date in 3 years. She's really into reminding everyone of this fact.


Back at Hell on Earth, Renee and blonde gUrl are sharing the details of their lives and blonde gUrl is just sitting around in wedges talking about how her recently deceased mother put her in a castle with a prince.


The water-car floats over to a yacht. Naturally. Everyone (JP and CassieG) jump off the boat.

JP "invites" her back to his crib and he's making his "secret" pasta. They dance and she's wearing Forever21 jeans.



Back at HoE, there's a group date card going around. DogLover, wearing a cutoff dog t-shirt, is MAD.


CassieG hasn't had a first date since she was 18 years old. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION, gUrl. I totally comprehend.

JP feeds CassieG chocolate and looks at pics of her kid, Trey. He says things like, "He's cute!" and "His mom is cute, too." Too easy, JP. Too easy.

I'm trying so hard to pay attention, but. BORED.

She gets the rose, because MOM.

The last time she felt this way about a guy was 3 years ago.


"Oh, Cassandra. She's beautiful, she dances, she's funny. And I like that." -- JP, on why he likes CassieG
Don't get too emotionally involved here, son. 


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three epis in and we're just getting a soccer date. The date is with the LA Galaxy. Listen, I played soccer for like, my entire life. Soccer is cool and all, whatever. Still not a thing in America. These gUrls know who David Beckham (Posh Spice's husband) is and maybe like, Ronaldo, because he ain't ugly.

Andi mentions David Beckham right away, so. Not sure where the next 20 minutes will take us.

JP says he doesn't expect the gUrls to be the best soccer players in the world. SHOOT FOR THE MOON, EVEN IF YOU MISS YOU'LL LAND AMONG THE STARS.

JP makes them do soccer drills and WORST DATE EVER.

"Watching the gUrls play soccer I can tell who has played before...or who has never played soccer before." -- JP

It's time for a scrimmage and everyone has on black stuff under their eyes, because baseball. The sun isn't even out. I'm praying that Mia Hamm isn't watching this and realizing that everything she has done for the sport of women's soccer HAS BEEN WORTHLESS. They are also wearing basketball jerseys. The production crew really stepped up their game with this one.

The blue team scores and Nikki is about to flip her shit.

Sharleen is really getting in front of the ball, but hey. Defense.

The red team starts scoring, but it's not like it's hard. JP decides to play for the blue team. Everyone is REALLY impressed with his soccer skills. The red team wins and JP thinks everyone had a great time. Such a great time that he POPS CHAMPAGNE on the field like somebody did something hard and they all deserve to celebrate.


GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP and the gUrls change out of their basketball gear that they wore during soccer practice and head to a different part of the stadium.

Nikki gets some one-on-one time with JP and they are both worried about HURT. Nikki is scared to talk, but JP likes her vibe. He doesn't mention her nursing career once, so I'm worried he forgot that she's a nurse.

Andi gets taken behind the counter of a snack area to enjoy a coke and a treat. JP wants to cook something, but they kiss instead.


The next one-on-one date is revealed and Elise is mad, because Chelsie might not be ready to be a step-mom, but she's going on a date with a guy on a reality TV dating show who has a kid.


JP is taking gUrls all over this stadium. Sharleen gets to head to the 18-yard-line with a blanket and a soccer ball. The blanket is the size of a towel. Meaning, it's small. I do not understand small blankets.

"You've got class." -- JP
"That's a compliment." -- Sharleen
I like the way she doesn't say thanks or repay the compliment, she just states that it was, in fact, a compliment. 

O M G.

Then, Sharleen kicks the soccer ball in her classy dress.

Nikki gets the rose, so he's back on the nurse train!

Andi is mad.
Sharleen is mad.

I want them to know that I am mad, too.


Chelsie is ready, but nervous, for her first date with JP. Also, she hasn't been on a first date in a while. She thinks it'll be a fun time whatever it is.

JP arrives and apologizes to Elise for not taking her on a date.

JP plays some music for Chelsie and it's like, Spanish country pop something. She says she likes it. She's so lying.

JP is dancing and swerving all over that highway.


Back at HoE, Elise is talking trash and calling Chelsie, the 24-year-old, a baby to the 21-year-old. This makes a lot of sense.


Back on the date JP finds a Venezuelan restaurant to try with Chelsie. If this is an adventure, I go on adventures every 12 hours or so by also eating bread, beef and cheese, sometimes fried and sometimes all at the same time.

Oh. Here's the adventure. Bungee jumping!

This is NOT about trusting JP, this is about trusting that cord to hold you. TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING.

I think the bungee worker guy has on one of those fake hats with the spiky hair and frosted tips. This is all I can concentrate on while he's giving his safety speech. You know he thought about how this could be his big break and he wanted to look so damn fly, so he bought one of those hats at a hotel gift shop.

I think they are wearing the same bike helmet I had when I was 10.

JP is trying to talk her into jumping. Meanwhile, LA traffic is being diverted to God knows where.

Finally, after 6 or 7 hours she decides not to jump. I mean, I can't blame her. This is an activity you like, clear with someone before signing them up for it.

Oh, she just figured out that she is JP's number one priority (LOLOLOLOLOL) and is going to jump.

If I made a list of all the things I'd like to do on a date, this one would be listed around 876, right before going to a strip club to meet someone's mom.

JP is so proud, but I hope he didn't have much else planned, because that took one whole entire year of their lives to finish. It has to be the next Tuesday by now.

Then, they had to walk away still wearing the harnesses. I guess that's their souvenir from the jump? An awkward harness.

Of course, Chelsie cannot let this moment pass by without mentioning that this activity is a metaphor for relationships and now that she has bungeed off a bridge with JP, she can probably have kids with him.

JP takes her to City Hall and she says, "this is out of a movie scene!" But, she's wrong. However, it is the exterior shot for the fake city hall on Parks and Rec.

She goes on to describes all the things she sees: flowers and fountains.

JP describes it much differently by saying, "it's on fire."

After recapping the jump, Chelsie asks JP what his fears are. He sweetly says he is scared his daughter won't look up to him. I get what he's saying, BUT THE IRONY OF HIM SAYING THIS WHILE HE IS ON THIS SHOW AND HE BROUGHT HER WITH HIM TO DO IT. I mean. I can't. Maybe she'll grow up to be very self-aware and chill and thinks it's totally hilarious that ole pops went on this dating show and then talked about being a role model for his daughter, as HE IS DATING UPWARDS OF 25 WOMEN AT ONCE.

Chelsie says her biggest fear is, "not being happy."
Alert: that's not a thing.

"You're a teacher. I like that." -- JP
This is one of those things that like, you have to like. 
You must like: teachers, rainbows, puppies and newborns. 
You must hate: cancer, war, hunger. 


Chelsie happens to notice the rose on the table and decides she would hate to go home after that struggle to "jump" off the bridge.

PRAISE REPORT: she gets the rose!

She goes on to call this day the best day of HER ENTIRE LIFE. I can only assume she's never been to a Beyonce concert.

CONERT TIME! It's Billy Currington. And he's not not famous. But, I don't think either one them are really into this music because they were like, grinding. Not two-steppin' and not slow dancing. I think they just didn't know or something.

Kissing. Not great dancing. Staring at the stage.


Back at Hell on Earth, JP arrives for a HUGE SURPRISE. (Remember: he loves surprises!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

He went to the grocery store and he's going to cook breakfast for all dem ladiez.

The DogLover comes downstairs with her dog, while wearing a dog shirt. She just ignores him, instead of like, taking the time to get some extra time with him.

Renee is smart and she sticks around for a few minutes to hang.


Elise is ready to take advantage of JP's presence.

WHO IS KAT????????

Is there a way we can outlaw sweat shorts on men? They are just like, uncalled for.

JP announces that the cocktail party is canceled and will now be a POOL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have more than one one-piece cutout swimsuit.


Kat wants everyone to know that the reason she is there is: JUAN PABLO. She makes this statement boldly by climbing onto his shoulders, uninvited. The DogLover makes an even bolder statement by calling her a whore for doing this. ~~**DrAMa**~~

Renee is asking other gUrls if they are jealous and why isn't anyone wearing sunglasses? Gah.

Some of the gUrls go inside, in their wet swimsuits, to sit on a micro suede couch.

Sharleen is thinking about going home.

"Everyone's definition of 'fun' is different." -- Sharleen

She gets some time with JP and starts talking about the cameras and her soul and her SOUL JUST WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE. LIKE, LEAVE HER SOUL ALONE, OKAY? Sounds like a personal problem, gUrl.

She starts crying. I'm actually very confused. I'd really like to see this G in regular life.

Everyone is trying to spy on Sharleen and JP and after deciding that no one is looking, she decides to kiss him. Then, she calls him a tease. Must have different definitions on that word, too?

Unfortunately, Sharleen was wrong and EVERYONE saw them "holding and kissing." Someone asks for clarification on what type of kissing and someone else whisper-yells, "French!" I am now having a lot of flashbacks to 8th grade. In that sense, this show really helps me connect with my youth. In the worst ways.

Clare is having a hard time and Renee is consoling her and just keeps saying, "it's weird, it's weird."

Sharleen is still crying and is now wearing the largest sweater sold in the lower-48 states.

Clare is still crying in the bathroom. I long for the days when gUrls retreat to like, the laundry room or something to have a meltdown. At least be productive while you're flipping out. Fold some clothes, bleach something! Keep yourself busy, you'll feel better.

Clare gets some time with JP and apologizes for flipping out. Whatever. Red flag, boi!

Chrissy Poo arrives to let everyone know IT. IS. TIME.



Chris has changed into every hue of purple available and lets the gUrls know that THIS IS WORKING, as said by Juan Pablo.

JP calls this week "amazing," which takes me back to Sharleen's earlier comment about different definitions of the word "fun." We obviously have different definitions for this word, too. He says it again.

Amazing is like, a superlative, you know? It's not a word you use to describe a magazine article or
a cough drop or a piece of furniture from Sam's Club or a bathroom at a gas station. It's reserved for special things. Unique things.

Kelly/DogLover accepts the rose and has her dog on a leash.



I like that she came in straight from the pool party and didn't get fancy.

"It's not fair." -- Christy
What's not? This? 

Lucy, the free spirit, walks out carrying her Louboutin heels. Most free-spirited people own these shoes.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 2.

Journey time!


There's a dog in the pool.

That gUrl, Clare, is getting ready for her one-on-one.

"I'm not a person who goes online dating." -- Clare
Oh okay, that's not like a place you actually go. But. Whatever. 

JP arrives and Clare has on a leather jacket with fake fur.

Juan Pablo loves surprises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He loves them so much he puts a blindfold on Clare and puts her in "his" car. It's more kidnap-py than date-y.

"When I first saw Clare I remember her being happy..." -- JP, describing the first time he saw Clare like it was YEARS AGO and NOT 18 HOURS AGO

They finally arrive to the date and it has snowed in LA. JP has "created" a winter wonderland in the middle of LA and people are fah-reaking out.

Now, it's time to ice skate. ABC is 100 percent promoting the 2014 Winter Olympics and those bad bitches are on NBC, so like. Do they even know?

How does JP know how to ice skate? What is this music? I feel like I'm in a Shania Twain music video.

What would a one-on-one be without a hot tub? Clare calls it a "spa," so I don't know if she's ever been anywhere before.

Clare is telling JP about her dad and basically, she tells him that her dad was perfect and that no man will ever live up to him. JP, being a non-English speaker has NO IDEA what she's talking about, so he comes back around and asks her just what in the world she's talking about. Clare has to say slowly, "MY DAD PASSED AWAY." JP juist sighs very loudly upon hearing this news, so loudly that the water moves.

"If you have a father that treats you like a princess, why wouldn't you want a man that treats you like a princess? We have high standards." -- JP, summing up Clare's life-story

Clare gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Music starts playing and Clare has never heard music before based on the her reaction to hearing it. They jump out of the SPA and do some dancing. It's a pretty slow song, but JP is doing a lot of ass-patting.

More kissing!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There's a dog walking around the house.

It's time for Kat's one-on-one date with JP. She's real excited. The last date I went on I wore the exact same thing she is wearing and now I feel sad on the inside. My shorts fit a bit different though.

How does JP know his way around? I bet he has a Tom-Tom.

JP drives to a private airport and pulls right up to a jet. You know this G is like, "I feel just like Kim Kardashian," and then JP practiced saying "Kardashian" for at least 9 minutes.

JP tells us again that HE LOVES SURPRISES.
So, it goes like this: Camilla first, then surprises.
Got it.

He should have a shirt that says, "Surprises are life. The rest is just details."

JP comes back with his "surprise" and it's a tracksuit jacket with a heart. He also has a very brightly colored outfit. It's a lot of a spandex, so it's BASICALLY THE WORST SURPRISE EVER.

The plane lands in Salt Lake City, Utah. They jump off the plane and start running. There are thousands of other people with glow sticks and neon. They are going on an "electric RUN." Again, this surprise sucks.

If anyone reading this ever wants to surprise me, on any level, it sure as hell better not involve spandex OR running. And definitely NOT both.

In summation, they are at a rave that is also a 5K IN SALT LAKE CITY.

I made a list of all the places in the world I would travel to, just to attend a rave. Salt Lake City came in 953rd on the list, right behind any church and the restrooms at LAX.

This actually looks like a 5K I could run in, because I'm pretty sure they were just skipping.

They have to go on the stage for something and JP gives Kat the rose and then they started dancing.

All in all, JP took Kat on a surprise date back to 8th grade.
Not much talking, lot of sweaty dancing surrounded by lots of other people.


It's time for the group date!!!!!!!!!!

"The date card said, 'say Cheese.' I would assume it's a photo shoot, but maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both." -- Kelly
Okay, Kelly! I see you!

It's obviously a photo shoot, because. The Bachelor.

This isn't a regular photo, it's a photo shoot for a good cause.
The good cause is DOGS.
Just dogs.

We meet the founder of MODELS AND MUTTS.

"Each month, we do a sexy photo shoot with a dog." -- Models and Mutts Founder
What dog doesn't love a sexy photo shoot?

Everyone is so excited about DOGS.

The gUrls are getting paired up with their dogs and getting their outfits. One gUrl has to wear a fire hydrant and the "dog lover" has to dress like a dog. It's like she was re-making "Avatar" but a dog version.

Elise finds out she doesn't have clothes to wear. She only has to wear a "smile."
Andi is also assigned "smile."

Andi is on another level of "uncomfortableness," so she does what any smart lawyer would do, she complains to the other gUrl about it.

The art director tells her, "it's not about what you're wearing, it's about a good cause."

Elise, the first grade teacher, goes to Lucy, the "free spirit" and asks her to go naked for a good cause. TOO EASY.

I'm not opposed to supporting the good cause of DOGS, but I don't know why you need to go naked for them. I've had dogs my whole life, so I'm a long-time supporter of the good cause of DOGS, and I've never had to go naked to be supportive.

Remember all of the past photo shoots Bachelor/ettes have been on? They were all much sexier, because none of them involved dogs pooping, but these gUrls are all, "this was so steamy." And I'm all, WHAT. DOGS.

Andi is really upset about having to be naked and then JP tells her that he will also be naked for the good cause of DOGS and that it's all going to be okay, because it's for the good cause of DOGS.


It's time for the naked photos and I've never been less compelled to adopt an animal.

JP's face looks like he's posing at some Sears photo shoot, not naked with two gUrls.



Cassandra, the former NBA dancer, pulls JP aside first because she needs to tell him that she has a son. JP is so excited about Trey, the son. JP loves surprises, so that could be the main reason for his excitement.

I think she could've said, "I have a large collection of porcelain dolls" and he would've reacted the same way. I guess this isn't a bad thing, he could've been weird and mean about it.

JP takes that other mama bear, Renee, even higher up on the roof and she tells him that she's writing in a journal every night to her son.

"Dear son, mama met a man and she wants to get it with him! Hopefully you can meet him soon. Miss you."

She asks JP for a kiss and he just tells her that she looked "elegant."

Can't wait to hear about this in her journal to her son.

"Dear son, tonight mama tried to kiss that man that I was telling you about, but... : ("

It's that time of the evening when baby gUrls be getting mad about one-on-one time and gUrls be getting drunk. Victoria gets told to "tone it down" and well. She doesn't. She completely tones it the entirely opposite direction of down.

"This is how I am sober. I'm just fun sober." -- Victoria
This was me at all frat parties in 2002, but I really was sober. 

"I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch." -- Victoria
At least she's honest. 

What we're about to see here is our first real, official train wreck of the season.
ALL ABOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP carries Nikki to some cushions set up on some rocks. Why he had to carry her, I'll never know.
JP really likes that Nikki is a nurse.

Nikki doesn't miss her dog or family, she misses taking care of sick kids.

Victoria is drunk and she called JP her "boyfriend" and she's twerking in the kiddie pool alone. She hops out of the pool and goes RUNNING. Which, is what, the number two pool rule of all-time? DON'T RUN BY THE POOL, gUrl!!!!!!!

Vicky spies on Nikki and JP and then changes her mind.
gUrl is MAD.
Just mad.

No one else is in a bathing suit.
This is another bad sign.
: (

Renee, the older, wiser, MUCH KINDER THAN ME, gUrl heads to the bathroom to help a sister out. Victoria is sitting on the floor of a public restroom, in her bikini, crying on national television.

I don't know her life, but I can only imagine that this is a low-point.

Victoria is telling everyone that she's going home, she's going home and one of the producers just said, "okay, but you can't go home without shoes." Then he says something about a plane and a taxi, but I liked the shoe part the most.

She heads back to the bathroom and Lucy decides to tell JP about the "situation."

JP heads into the bathroom and this dude needs to RUN. He is a father, he does not have time for this. At all.

He tells Vicky that he will wait for her outside and well. He's going to have to go through this about a billion more times with his own daughter in the coming years. All teenage gUrl breakdowns happen in the bathroom.

He still has a rose to give away.

Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, how damn perfect.

And if just one dog gets adopted because she dressed up like a dog, this was all worth it.

JP leaves without talking to Vicky and he asks the other ladies to "make sure she gets home safe tonight." I will tell you, none of those gUrls would make sure she has shoes on like that producer. Right? Gs be cunning!!!!



Everybody be talking about Vicky. Also, everybody be sitting around in bikinis on couches.

Vicky got to spend the night in a hotel and JP heads there to talk to her.

Vicky apologizes and JP looks tired. Like, real tired.

"Are you mad at me?" -- JP, to Vicky

I think JP might understand how this process works, because he just tried to tell baby gUrl that, "this is how this goes..."

Vicky is "mortified," but mainly she just seems to be mortified over crying in front of JP, not being a drunken mess in front of him? IDK. gUrls be cray.

"Maybe I did drink too much." -- Vicky

JP doesn't really accept her apology, he's all, "I'm 32 with a daughter, you gotta ROLL OUT."


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP shows up and tells the other ladies about Vicky, then he pulls Amy aside and she uses this time to practice her reporting skills. Not the time, nor the place, G. My gosh.

I don't know if these gUrls understand that JP is NOT a native English speaker, so when they get time with him, they need to like, slow down and speak in small sentences.

Sharleen pulls JP aside and I think she's a little more into him today. But, ~~**dRaMa**~~
She dresses all sexy, but acts all dramatic librarian.

Cassandra is carrying around pictures of her son and crying. She goes to talk to the other mom and cries some more. They go upstairs and JP follows. He walks in and says, "the two moms."

Cassandra just doesn't know. When JP is around, it's great. When the gUrls are around, she just doesn't know. THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED. JP doesn't want to keep anyone away from their kids. I respect that. He gives her a pretty good talk and they both agree that they don't know what they don't know and then GIGGLES.

Cassandra gUrl is gonna stay, so JP better hand her a rose in a few or like, what a jackass.

"What I like about Cassandra is that she understands what a mom is..." -- JP
Who doesn't have that basic understanding down? I think that's one of the first things all humans and even animals learn?



JP plays his roses right and gives Cassandra the first rose. Can you imagine? OY.
Then, he goes straight to the nurse, his obvious favorite right now, because NURSE.

When Sharleen accepts her rose she just says, "Sure." Like, she's not even trying to act like she's into this. That gUrl has ice in her veins.

Chris Harrison, easiest job in the world. 


The news reporter is going home, but I bet her station's ratings get a little bit of a bump after this. Obviously, she's probably at an ABC affiliate.

Chantel hasn't dated in so long and she doesn't know when she'll find love.
GET IN LINE, gUrl!!!!!!!

JP is excited about the week ahead.

He's the only one.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 1.

Growing up, this is never what I envisioned for my life. Part of me feels like living inside of a Walmart and showering at truck stops would be a better life for me than watching this show every season.

But, like Proverbs and make a plan and GOD WILL LAUGH, right? IDK!!!!!!!!!


We start and JP is in the middle of a photo shoot. JP makes a lot of weird faces, but basically he looks confused a lot or like, maybe he's just the subject of a reality dating show. Then, he goes running and stops under an overpass to do the Dougie or something.

We meet JP's daughter and I'm going to steer clear, because I'm a decent human being. But, like she will ALWAYS be his valentine, so all y'all ladies need to hear that, okay!

"I'm in this situation because America wanted me to be the Bachelor." -- JP
Oh. Okay. Well, America is in a world of shit right now and once elected a former professional wrestler to be governor of a state people have heard of, so I wouldn't read too much into that. 

I guess his parents and kid are going to be in LA with him as he goes on this JOURNEY. I guess education and stability are NOT important to him. What is important? Linen shorts. Seen a lot of those already.

Drawing hearts in the sand, walk on the beach, walk up a mountain in jeans, running along the beach.


The Bachelor producers sprung for a swing set for the Eternal Valentine (baby gUrl Camilla) outside of the compound and like, WHAT A RATCHET SWING SET. Seriously though, there's a rusty version of that swing set in my parents' backyard. You'd think this franchise could afford a wooden swing set from the JC Penney catalog or something. I'm guessing this one is from the Adam Levine collection at K-Mart.

Oh, Sean is here. JP says he called him. LIES. He thinks we don't know. Like, how do they even know each other? They "dated" the same gUrl?

Sean is wearing all the blue. All the shades of blue.

He's giving some advice on kissing and stuff, but mostly, all I can think about is how I have that same pair of pants Sean is wearing. Gap, 2008. Wore them in the snow two days ago. : (

Then, Sean tells a weird story about a dog and a skunk and falling in love with Cathy Cat. How lucky were they to have tomato juice in the pantry, though?

JP bids farewell to SeanBoy and gets ready to go meet the ladies. Looks like he BORROWED A POCKET SQUARE FROM CHER. IDK.


CHRISSY POO IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically, he tells us that everyone fell in love with JP, because #sexysingledad. This really feels like a movie that plays on TBS a lot.

Letz meet the ladies!!!!!!!!!

One gUrl in and we've got a soccer coach. Cliche.
Baby gUrl is mostly looking to get a hug and of course, she is speaking some broke ass Spanish.

Two gUrls in and we've got a single mom. Cliche.
Renee found out JP was going to be the Bach and SHE WAS SO EXCITED, so she took a walk along the beach.

Oh, a lawyer. Look at that other lawyer. Big files, bigger sunglasses.
She stares off into the sunset for a second.

AMY J. got dem bangz!!!!!!! Year of the bangs, thanks Michelle Obama!!!!!!
She wants to massage him and feed him breakfast or something.

Nikki got dem Ks and an I. 
And she was all up in that baby's mug. What if I went to the doctor a nurse did that to me? : (

We got a baby G from Edmond, Oklahoma (SHOUT OUT MATT REES!!!!!!!!).
She's like, the 7th gUrl we have met and she's the first one to say she's #extremelyblessed.

gUrl on a farm with some goats.

gUrl on a beach and at a park with her special needs siblings, then she goes back to the beach.

 gUrl with blonde hair says she's part Mexican.
She's our first sad story of the night and the first to call herself, "baby gUrl."

LIMO TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo meets up with JP and I can only understand every 7th word that Juan Pablo says.

Chris says they "opened up" the casting and instead of 25 ladies, there are 27, for a TOTAL OF TWO EXTRA LADIES.

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer. I don't want to be a hater, but thatz not a full-time job, so.

Christine is a "police support specialist" and she brought JP's Eternal Valentine something you wouldn't sell to a blind person on Etsy.

Nikki found a really quick way for JP to get a gander at her cleavage right off the bat.


Salsa dancing.

How does he look so surprised every time another gUrl gets out of the limo? It's like he was expecting a dinosaur or something, instead of a gUrl?

Chick without shoes' job title is "free spirit," so I'm dead now.

I mean, I get it, but like, get a key-tar and save yourself the trouble. ~~dRaMa~~

Science "educator" says she "teaches" at a science museum.

Ashley goes with the sexy whisper voice and gold star method.

Oh, a pregnant gUrl? She wasn't preg a few minutes ago. Oh. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING, CRAZY ASS?


gUrl's job title is "dog lover" and now I wish I hadn't spent all of that time in college TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF.


Is this an episode of Roseanne now?


ChrissyPoo sends JP inside and reminds him to give that first impression rose to someone he DEFINITELY wants to stay. Like. OBVIOUSLY, CHRIS. Obviously.

"...You try to meet me and I try to meet you, as yourself..." -- JP
This is going to be a long season. 

JP brought a DJ and a photo booth to the house. Or. The ladies think he did.

"Time to see who I'm to give rose tonight." -- JP
Just. Missing some words and stuff. 

"What do you want to know about me?" -- Nikki
"Just your name." -- JP
: (

"Eight is probably a fun age?" -- JP

Lucy got that floral crown on and then gets up in JP's grill and then puts her nasty ass feet on him. Which, I thought was pretty bad until DemBangz tried to give JP a massage in the driveway over his suit.

During the massage, she tells him that he is beautiful and like, isn't  that unprofessional? I don't know massage rules, so maybe not.

"It's a big rose." -- Danielle
I guess we have officially run out of adjectives to describe roses. 


We come back and Maggie finds another way to describe the rose: HER ENTIRE FUTURE.
She's 24. Not old.

That poor gUrl told JP her mother died and all he did was make a sad face and then she said she was looking for her prince and he said, "you're in the right place." So. Like, he should get better with those conversations and stuff.

Is that Ariel? (Real question.)

Now, Lauren H. has changed her location from Edmond to OKC.
She's also our first G in tears. Like, gotta lock that shit up.

I mean, I know it'd be totally against what this show is going for, but I think it'd be healthy for these gUrls to go through some counseling and stuff before they go on this show. Like, learn about yourself and how ready you are for this "journey." Sit down with your dad and get some of those issues resolved. You know?


Gs be stressin' over not getting alone time yet.

Lauren H. is still crying and at this point, I'm worried for her mental health.
Finally, she gets some time with JP.

"I guess this is bringing up some insecurities." -- Lauren H. 
"Why? Don't!" -- JP
Seriously, JP? Gotta work on this. 

We learn that Lauren H. was almost a step-mom and NOT just engaged. So, yeah, that's dramatic. She's young. I'm 30 and I honestly don't know if I could be a step-mom. I almost cried trying to get the gas company to turn on gas in my new home yesterday. And also, I can't see myself to committing to any two pieces of bedroom furniture for any extended period of time, so yeah. I should be a mom.

Sexy music time for Andi, the lawyer. She wants to be in control, but she's not in control.

"What do you study?" -- JP, to Andi, the lawyer
Is that a question you ask an adult you're trying to date? If so, I just realized why I am still single.
First, I've never asked an adult male that and no adult me has asked me that. : (

JP is digging on Sharleen and her dress. But, she talks about how she is trying to not eat meat. So, I hate her. She's also an opera singer, which honestly, I had no idea that was still a profession, so get it, gUrl! I bet she speaks Latin, too.

While JP is going to get Sharleen (SHARLEEN?!) the first impression rose, she's going on and on about how she doesn't feel a connection with Juan Pablo.

Baby gUrl is bored. Like, BORED.
Like, she might as well be listening to someone talk about different types of bricks.

ChrissyPoo rolls in and tells JP it's time to hand out roses.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo, ever the gracious host, breaks down how this will work.

"If you hear your name called, step forward and accept the rose...if you do not hear your name, you will be going home immediately." -- ChrissyPoo
This REALLY needed to be said? 

Oh, yes, it did need to be said, because as soon as JP said the first name, baby gUrl looked around and said, "me?" OY. : (

So far, everyone else has complete understanding as to how this works.

How does he suddenly remember all of their names? It's probably 2am and they've been filming this scene for like, 6 DAYS or something.

Spoke too soon. That gUrl walked forward when JP said someone's name that was not her name and now everyone looks like they are about to jump off a bridge. I have to hand it to these people, 140 years later and they are still producing crazy amounts of second-hand embarrassment.


I swear he said, "Meow, will you accept this rose?"
So, again, I cannot understand his words.

So, going home: gUrl that looks like Little Mermaid, DemBangz, sexy whisper teacher voice, crier that wanted to be a step-mom.

DemBangz says she put herself out there completely and I hope when she watches this back, she will realize that may have been her main problem tonight.

"Picturing my life with Juan Pablo was great and I could picture my life with him EVEN MORE after meeting him." -- The Little Mermaid
Oh. Oh. Oh. 


So, 16 hours later and Juan Pablo gave his first rose to an opera singer.  He gave his second rose to the gUrl that tried to fake a pregnancy right out of the limo. I think that's an excellent summation of everything that happened.

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