Tuesday, September 14, 2010

bachelor pad: finale.

I'd like to apologize for the length of this post. I know most people need to take an adderall to read this much, but...sometimes you gotta buckle down and do work.

Ohhhhh myyyyyyy gosssssssh, ballroom dancing. Like, OMG.

I'm just trying to figure out why everyone is dressed like they are going to high school basketball practice. Seriously. Every one of those guys is dressed like a 16-year-old going to a shoot-around. Gross. Shirts come with sleeves for a reason.

The music during the limo rides to the dance studios made it seem like these people were either about to go into major surgery or a funeral. No, turns out they are just meeting choreographers! Which, of course, BSC Elizabeth warns Kovacs that if he pays attention to their hot teacher she'll get distracted and crazy. Newsflash: gUrl, you're on that damn train. Crazy train.

So, I was watching these people dance and I was fairly certain that they all have feet, but when they start dancing it's like they don't. I legitimately think a blind kangaroo could do better. But, who am I to judge? Oh, I am.

The whole time I was watching Natalie and Dave I kept thinking, I pray that her father is not watching this. Please, don't let her father be watching this. I mean, way to make people proud, "We're used to these positions, so I think this is going to work out well."

Somebody really needs to tell Elizabeth that she is not bartering peace between Palestine and Israel. This is a dancing competition. A dancing competition on a reality television program.

The judges were a bunch of idiots. They must have been told to go easy on them or something, because how in the world can you get 8 out of 10 if you don't even finish the dance? And how did Kippy-Skippy manage to get the only masculine costume?

I love that after it was over Dave was sitting around, still, in his little fairy costume and he and Natalie were dissecting the dance like it was game film from the Super Bowl. And, really, did Kip-Ten think, "Oh, we're winners. Let's don our swimmies and get in the bathtub!" Doubtful. Shame on you producers.

So, let's be honest they should've kept Kovacs and BSC around. That psychopath Eliza would not have gotten one vote and Kip-Ten would be a little wealthier this morning.

And. The second Tenley figured out she was going to have to vote off a couple: tears. Huge, giant tears. How does anybody have that many tears in their body? I looked it up, the typical adult female is made up of 60% water. Tenley must be closer to 95%.

The second Kovacs and BSC are voted off, you know Kovacs is celebrating a little bit. You know in his head, he was thinking, "Ok, we'll try this for a week and I'm home free!" He later confirmed that. Duh.

Now on to this whole studio audience thing.

Immediately Kovacs and BSC tell the world that it's over. Watching her talk was scary. Probably more scary for him than anything. I have an eery feeling that he could end up dead soon...she is that crazy.

It was pretty lame to listen to these people talk. These adults. ADULTS. I'm an adult and I know lots of other adults. I don't know anyone who acts like these people. Praise God I don't. Can you imagine?

I can't even discuss Wes and Gia because it's the most sad thing I've seen on television since Sunday when Sarah McLachlan asked me to adopt that hungry puppy on the street.

Was Peyton going to a prom that no one else knew about?

Krisily was there and I'm still not really recognizing her as an actual person, because she has yet to legally change her name to something real.

When did Gia become Diane Sawyer? What was with all the investigative questions? What is it that? I think Jesus would tell Gia to take the plank out of her own eye, or he'd tell Gia to stop being a kettle calling the pot black. You're black, too. Remember that whole debacle with telling Craig one thing and then doing another? HOW DOES SHE KEEP FORGETTING THAT?!

I think Tenley really meant her apology to Michelle and all that moron said back to her was, "What goes around comes around." Again. Isn't she an adult? How do these people function in society?

I think everybody was pretty honest about what they would do with their chunk of change if they were to win. But, I don't think Natalie realizes how much it costs to start a charity, even a small one. And then Gwen calls out Dave and that was pretty awesome, but still...Gwen, money or not you should not be on this show at 38 years of age. You just shouldn't.

I think the votes just came down to the fact that Dave and Natalie had more "bro cards." Kippy Skippy and Tenley are just too squeaky clean. People can't relate to them. It's like they aren't real. I really believe that Tenley poops brown sugar.

I love that Chris explains with such great detail that the majority of 15 is 8. Again, these people are adults. And. This isn't Congress, what's with all the drama? They aren't voting to impeach the president here, people.

I really couldn't believe that so many of those idiot gUrls voted for Dave. I mean, he played them like a game of Mouse Trap.

And Chris chimes in, "Four votes apiece. Both couples are half-way to the mark of the eight votes needed to win." We've had some pretty impressive math lessons come out of this epi.

And then, Wes votes and everyone goes wild like we're watching a children's sports movie and Air Bud just caught the winning touchdown pass from his best friend and quarterback.

Oh, but! A twist is coming. Surely, if these two have any bit of intelligence in their brains at all they would've seen this coming-- duh-- you're going to have to do something retarded like this and pick, "keep" or "share." And surely, if they have any bit of intelligence in their brains at all they would have discussed beforehand that they might as well bite the bullet and share the 125Gs. Right? Surely. And obviously, they did. Because there's no way either one of these completely selfish people would have chosen to share the money had they not discussed this decision prior to actually making the decision. No shocker here. They are "sharing" the money.

I think if they were really going to "share" the money and the Bachelor Pad producers really wanted to "test their relationship" they would put the money in a joint account and give them no limitations on how fast you could spend it and then see who "shares" it.

And how great was it that Dave kissed Natalie on the cheek and then basically made out with Chris Harrison? I think we have a little more to learn about Dave.

And. Then everybody celebrated like people actually care about their lives and that this is real, which it isn't.

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