Tuesday, May 29, 2018

the bachelorette :: becca : epi 1.

Here we are. Season something or other, but much closer to something or is it the other?

Lord, be with Becca. Be with me. Help me to not feel angry while watching Becca look at photos of AriewhatshisJunior. Why are you looking at printed out photos? I print out photos and I haven't done that since 2016. No one is printing out photos to look at them and cry. That is what Instagram is for.

Becca just said she knows that this process works because she found love before. That doesn't seem right. For her, this "journey" is an absolute Winchester Mystery House. The doors lead to humiliation on national TV. Sure, take this money and this TV time and start an ah-mazing Etsy shop that sells water straight from one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes, but don't look for love, gUrl. Meghan Markle just snagged that last unreachable Bachelor, unless you count Tim Tebow. And I don't.

Okay, so she's going to do this. And we're going to watch it.


Okkkkkkkur, Becca. A race car driver dumped you, so you said, I will not be like that one dumb idiot who drove her sad Civic ass up to the Bach mansion. You got yourself a Maserati.

And now, we change tone.

Why is Becca is talking to these Bs? Jo-Jo cannot be trusted. Rachel cannot be trusted. Kitty Kat cannot be trusted. Like, for real-- would you ever call your gUrl Jo-Jo up and be like, "we should sage this house, right?" Kaity Kat agreed and called the sage a "big doobie."


Now, it's time for the men to arrive and Chrissy Poo has inappropriately called these guys "America's most eligible bachelors." Maybe he truly means eligible, and most as in desperate.  So, he should've said, "America's most desperate bachelors."

The background packages on these fellows are not that interesting. However, I didn't know that one could just own a grocery store in 2018 and I have a lot of questions for him.

This Colton guy was Aly Raisman's boyfriend. I'm sorry, you dated a national hero. If you aren't good enough for her, THIS IS DEFINITELY THE PLACE FOR YOU.


Chrissy Poo is really mailing it in these days.

Chrrisy Poo: "You're the Bachelorette."
Becca: "I know."

After 3,912 seasons, it's hard to have a memorable limo exit. Or entrance. Which is it?

As I type this I don't remember any of these guys or what they said. Minus the guy who pulled up in a hearse.


Finally, it's time for these bros to get inside and start talking shit to each other and about each other. That male model's rant about loafers with no socks should be given to men everywhere.

Becca walked in gave some lame speech that ended with, "let's get this party started." Pretty sure P!nk said that first, gUrl.

This big burly football player has a strange voice that sounds like it's going to crack at any moment. Or maybe he really needs to clear his throat.

Imagine finding out that your son is going on national TV to try and meet his wife. You settle in with your friends and family, only to see your grown ass son dancing around on TV in a chicken suit. Any good mom would yank his ass off this show immediately. BECCA NEEDS A MAN.

Is Becca the cheesiest lady in all the land? She played basketball for approximately 6 minutes and then said, "I'm having a ball right now."

Is Johnny Manziel on this show?

Johnny Football and Becca have so much in common. They even have both said, "if I can love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I can love the right person." I think that's more scary than enlightening. WHAT OTHER SHIT ARE YOU GOING TO FALL INTO AND BE TRICKED BY?!

Chicky Chick runs a private equity fund?

Snap. This male model keeps talking about playbooks and game plans. But, he's not even the worst.


We've got a supposed villain already.

Supposedly a grown ass woman texted another grown ass man and said, "all he does is hang out with boys and he's looking to revamp his marketing company. He's not here for the right reasons."

To me, that sounds like a guy with a lot of friends and a great work ethic.

So, Chase, the villain, says he only dated gUrl for like, a month. Now, he's off his game, but he wants to get ahead of it. Now, he's sitting down with Becca and the guy who got the text.

Kick both these idiots off the show.

Honestly, this sounds like a very long text message.

Because of this text message, Becca wants to get with Jake and figure out "exactly why" he is here. They run in the same Minnesota circle and Becca is weirded out because he never showed any interest in her back in Minnesota, but I'm like-- none of my friends listened to Prince until he died.

Jake is wearing a tux and he pointed at her and tried to like, touch her heart. Also, Jake is kind of a weirdo because he keeps saying he only remembers meeting her once, but she remembers meeting him several times. Becca is kicking this guy out even though he's had a "very transformative year."

Jake's reaction is pretty great, "that's sad to hear."

Boy, bye.

Jake seems like a headcase and Becca made a great decision.


Becca has put the fear of God into these bros by sending the most f***ing romantic guy home.

Garrett gets the first impression rose, which is interesting because I don't remember him at all. But, whatever.

It's finally time for the rose ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca tells the guys, "if you don't get a rose tonight, it's not because you aren't amazing."

This is her taking a video of her kid doing something terrible and still saying, "you're doing great, sweetie!"

How does she remember their names? That's a question I've always had on the first night of this show. Some of them are so nervous about meeting her that they don't even say their name!

This long-haired dude has a great way of describing his fellow contestants. He doesn't go for the obvious frat daddy line, but "a sea of highway patrol officers." The male model and the other guys are very concerned that the chicken guy has gotten a rose and they haven't.

FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guy who said the other guy was there for the wrong reasons got a rose, but the guy who is supposedly there for the wrong reasons did NOT. Are you following?

Kamil, the social media participant is really embarrassed, like really embarrassed. I would be too, bro. Because isn't everyone a social media participant these days?

Becca is hopeful, I am not.

Here's to the beginning of the end of Becca's "unbelievable romantic adventure."

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