Tuesday, July 15, 2014

the bachelorette :: andi : epi 9.

Almost Paradise, knockin' on heaven's door.
PSYCH. Just another sexy three-day date epi from hell.

There was a 13-minute recap and the thing that made me the most mad was when Andi went to the beach with nothing but a towel. Like, she didn't have water, a book--NOTHING.

Then, that commercial with BachieDes came on to talk about her wedding day hair and she told the guy she wanted something, "loose and romantic." NOT A CATEGORY.


Andi feels like she's on Cloud 9 in that helicopter with Nick, because she's in the clouds. So, the analogy was spot-on. Way to use your words, gUrl.

I feel like I've seen this 100 times. I'm skipping to the part where they maybe talk.

I'm not mad at those pants or that shirt, but I'm mad that he's wearing them together.

Nick spends the first 14 minutes of dinner scratching his ankle.

"I have a childlike sense of wonder." -- Nick
That explains the pants. 

It's revealed that Nick spent some of his off time writing a fantasy children's book. Andi thought it was romantic. But, it's a children's book.

Nick is having a hard time actually SAYING, "I love you." I'm having a hard time hearing him bitch about saying it for the last 6 epis.

Nick invites himself into the "magical fantasy suite," before Andi can even get out the card. I have a feeling Andi is most looking forward to the fantasy suites. All of them.

Nick is most excited to "talk Andi's ear off for the entire night." I think we all know that is an innuendo.

Is Nick bow-legged or are his legs like, chaffed or something?

Nick posts up against a tree and tells Andi what he loves about her. It's kind of sweet. Then, he FINALLY, says, "I love you."

They get after it up against that tree, so I'm sure they'll just spend the rest of the evening talking like school gUrls!!!!!!!!!!!


It's time for the date with Josh!!!!!!!

To date, Josh and Andi have told each other 4 or 5 things. They know they both live in Atlanta and Andi's dad is a Georgia fan. Andi knows Josh played "professional" baseball and has a dog. Josh knows Andi is a lawyer. Other than that, they don't share a lot of information.

"When I'm with Josh I feel dumb and vibrant." -- Andi
OOPZ. She said, "young" not dumb.

Josh and Andi dance in the street and then find a bunch of kids playing baseball, so they play.

Josh is dressed like he's going to a business meeting and not a date on an island or where ever the hell they are.

Now, instead of talking about real things, Josh is just talking about how not cocky he is.

Andi tells Josh she took him to play baseball because she wanted him to have happy memories.

Then, Josh tells Andi he will be a GREAT dad, a GREAT dad. Something, something.

Josh says, "I love  you and you know the next person I tell 'I love you,' I want to spend the rest of my life with." He's also convinced that the two of them have already had a pretty tough relationship, but Andi isn't interested in hearing any of that. JUST KISSING. VERY LOUD KISSING.

Josh is obsessed with being pigeon-holed into being an athlete.

"I love being happy." -- Josh
That's a new one. Someone write that one down.

Andi wants to feel young and vibrant, but she appreciates Josh's maturity and appreciates his feelings.

Andi happens to find a note from ChrissyPoo. He says they can spend the night together in a room built for two along the seashore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, Josh wants to spend the night with Andi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that all of these people still try to reason their way through these fantasy suite cards. Like, I'm an adult. I know what happens in that hotel room. And you aren't just staying up talking all night.


Making out in the mini pool. Straddling.
Hoodie sans shirt.

All of those pool scenes remind me of a bad music video.

And then, that hoodie.


Listen, we know Chris ain't the one. She is not going to move to Iowa and live on a farm.
I cannot afford to give him any of my time. It's just too valuable.

They rode horses.

Chris asks her straight up about Iowa. Andi says it's a struggle.

The music is so sad.

Chris really is in love with her.
She starts crying.


Andi is trying to feel the things he's feelings.
It's not Iowa, well part of it is Iowa. She just doesn't see the foundation of "us."
No idea what that means.

Andi is kicking this guy off right now.
Poor sweet farmer boy.
He's headed back to that tractor.

"Blame it on Iowa!" -- Andi
I think she's just coined my new favorite phrase.

Chris is incredibly disappointed.

He's really nice to her about this, which is I respect. She did the right thing and didn't spend the night with him and all that jazz. Is there jazz in Iowa or do you have to drive to Chicago or something for that?

Chris says he didn't see that coming, but he's a farmer in Iowa and she's a lawyer in Atlanta who's never even been to Iowa. Did you really think this was going to end well for you, sir?

"I want to find someone who is excited to be around me everyday." -- Chris
I mean, yeah. 

And then I quit watching.

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