Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 4.

Two nights, two episodes. That's enough to make a person not want to turn their TV on ever again.

The gang's all here (minus those sorry ass suckers who got cut) and they're headed to Connecticut! Where? Small state, by New York. You know, the Constitution state. That place every small child dreams of visiting. It's right up there with Utah.

Dylan gets the one-on-one and the other dudes are worried that it could get "too hot and steamy." IDK.

Andi takes Dylan to the steam train and she thinks it's going to be very "charming and cute." It's so charming and cute that it needs coal to run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It's an old charm kind of train." -- Andi
That's not even a train genre. 

After 12 different train puns, the train leaves the station. I'm already bored. Dylan says he's "definitely never done this," like Andi was going to challenge him on that or something.

Dylan was in an 8-year relationship once. His ex-gUrl got engaged the day after his brother's funeral. HOW COULD SHE.

"I swam across this river once." -- Dylan

That train ride look like a yawner, so editing leads us to dinner. Andi knows Dylan has a story and he's just dying to tell it. So, he tells the sad story and Andi cries.

Dylan gets the rose. But, y'all. It was NOT a pity rose. Okay? Even though felt bad for him, BECAUSE SHE DID, it was NOT a pity rose.



I can't even. It's a group date featuring the WNBA. That's women's basketball.

Andi is wearing wedge sneakers. Like, high-heeled sneakers.

The big surprise for the boyz is that TAMIKA CATCHINGS IS ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know not a single human reading this know who she is, but IDK.

The boyz play a game with the WNBA team and of course, the boyz lose. Props to the WNBA for sending pretty gUrls!

That guy who coaches middle school basketball actually spend some time trying to coach his team. He said he was putting the team on his back and that if his team hustled, they would win. It was so sad to watch this guy try to "coach."

One of the team names is the Rosebuds. I honestly wish my TV didn't work.
Everyone was taking this game really seriously, so it reminded me a lot of a WNBA game.

At half-time the score was 6 to 6. : (

OH. THEY WERE PLAYING WITH A gUrl's BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Rosebuds won because that middle school coach "brought it" according to Andi.


GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just can't even talk about her and Eric.)

The middle school basketball coach wants to take her back to the basketball court. He taught her how to shoot a lay-up. She's wearing a leather dress.

Middle School shoots and makes a half-court shot and Andi wants it bad. She wanted a kiss, but he's "sooooooooo bad at reading signs." What a dummy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick is super into Andi. He's nervous, but he thinks it's awesome. He goes to bed thinking about Andi and wakes up thinking about Andi. It probably helps that he's on a TV show.

Middle school coach gets the rose.



CONFESSION: I took a phone call during this date and I didn't really rewind it. Mainly because I've already devoted way too many hours to this BS this week. 

They climbed a building. It was windy. Andi was scared. This is her "we conquered fears together" date. She will use this experience as her, "I can't be scared of love" moment for the rest of this season.

Phone call over. 

Marcus gets the rose.
The date is not over yet.
There's still a smoky casino stage to dance on.

Apparently, Marcus told Andi that he was falling in love. What an idiot.


Andi got a letter while chillin' in her hotel room. The music made it sound like the worst Hallmark movie, then the best Hallmark movie. PSYCH! There's no good Hallmark movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The letter was from a "secret admirer." I don't have the energy to discuss this.



Brian pulls Andi aside and tells her that he regrets not kissing her. She was all, "Thank God!!!!!!" And they kissed. Middle schoolers everywhere rejoiced!

Something, something that guy with a weird name.
Something, something Marquel is now wearing glasses and everyone is giggling.

Eric pulls Andi aside because he needs some feedback. He's been thinking about their prior conversation and it's not settling well with him.

Here comes the shit, someone move the fan!

Eric told Andi he thinks she has two different sides and that he didn't come on this show to meet an actress. Andi does not handle this news well. She says she respects his openness, but she's saying it with more attitude than Lil' Kim.

If you told me I had a poker face, I'd be like-- yeah. I would not cry. I would not be offended. ESPECIALLY ON A TV SHOW.

At this point, Andi start flipping shit and Eric says, "This is the real Andi I'm talking about!" Talk about awkward.

"Am I comfortable and natural all the time? Not a chance! But, do I work my ass off and stay up late so that everyone knows that I am here for them-- yeah, I do!" -- Andi
I really have no idea what that means. 
Like. Isn't everyone staying up late, but then you get to just lounge around a lot, too? I mean, those guys are always wearing sweatpants. Always. 

Also. You're on a TV show. Everyone is always forgetting that.

Andi starts crying and now the other guys can hear.

"She shouldn't be crying right now." -- Josh

At the end, Eric tried to tell her that he just wanted her to be comfortable with him. She said he wasn't a fighter and asked him to go home. So. He did. He didn't even get a sad ass mini van, he got a taxi.

Andi went all ghetto on everyone else and told the remaining guys that if they think she has a poker face, they can "walk their ass on out." Then, she started crying like a junior high gUrl and yelled, "I'm exhausted!"

It got kind of awkward because she was just talking about how hard she's trying and how tired she was. It's honestly something I've yelled at my parents before.

She kind of flipped her shit. In the worst way. In that your 12th grade math teacher would flip her shit like she's going through a divorce, but no one knew.

Anyway. ChrissyPoo came on and told us we weren't going to see the rose ceremony, but just talk about Eric instead.

I thought they would play a video montage of him or something, but they didn't. It was weird.


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