Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Bachelorette :: Andi : epi 1.

I read somewhere once that Christmas was "the most wonderful time of the year." This is unrelated, but I broke out into hives when I realized this show was back on.

Chrissy Poo Harrison starts the show with a sad montage about one of the contestants who recently passed away. They dedicated the season to him. A very kind gesture.

But, I will tell  you this-- if anything ever happens to me, you better NOT dedicate this show to me. That's like dedicating a gas station bathroom to someone. But, seriously. It's really sad about Eric. Kind of surreal to watch him, especially when you hear even a little bit about his life. Being on this season of the Bachelorette, was probably not even going to be in his top 10. That guy was really doing some cool stuff.


Andi! She puts bad guys away. At one point she was "working" in an empty courtroom. Then, we learned that, obviously she's giving up her career as a prosecuting attorney. So, take everything you thought about this gUrl, mainly that she's smart, and change your mind, because she is not.

Andi wants her dad to be supportive.

"I just want to be real with everyone and fall in love." -- Andi
Oh, sweet, sweet angel. 

Then, she goes on and on about having fun and having a partner to try on sleeveless graphic Ts with?

Andi wants to "give it all she's got." Suddenly, it feels like we're watching a sad version of the Olympics.


Andi gets to the top of Bachelor Hill and Chrissy Poo tells her that tonight's the night! He told her to get ready, but instead she put her feet in the pool for 8 seconds and then, Andi's sister came over.

We start off by asking the important questions like, "how many guys are you going to kiss on national television?" She was honest about it and told us that finding love MEANS kissing people.

Andi's dress is gold and glittery. She looks like an Oscar statue, but the sound editing kind. Not the kind for acting or direction. Oh, I guess she's not wearing that dress. IDK. She changed.

"I can see the end, because I am finally starting my beginning." -- Andi
It makes me sad to think that her life before this doesn't count or something. When she took her law school degree off the wall earlier she meant it. 


It's time for the boyz to get out of the limos.

It only took three guyz for us to meet one with a really odd job title. JJ is a pantepreneur. Of course.

Marquel is only there to compliment her.

A guy with a weird teenage mustache talked about a lock on a bridge. HE THINKS WE'VE NEVER SEEN OTHER BACHELOR/ETTES DO THIS BEFORE.

Cody is a personal trainer and he "pushed the limo" into the driveway. He was kind of the worst. In the way that you don't care if your friend dates him, but you don't want to spend any time with him. He's definitely into CrossFit and Paleo and it's definitely all he talks about.

Andi went for the hug with Rudie and he went with the handshake AND DECIDED TO GO WITH "SOME ATTORNEY HUMOR." I had no idea this a humor genre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait for for some more attorney humor!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason needs a haircut and claims to be a doctor. He's never shaved and he beat up a kid going to prom and stole that ugly ass tie from him. : (

Dylan is so nervous.

Oh! Finally! A soccer player! There's no better place to play soccer than a wet carport in Malibu!

Emil is a helicopter pilot!!!!!!!!!! I'm praying right now that he makes it really far and makes it to a helicopter date so we can see what some backseat helicopter driving looks like!!!!!!!

Bret loves lamp.

Bradley is an opera singer, so we can now confirm that "opera singer" is still a profession since we've seen it twice now on TV!!!!!!!!!!

I bet Andi is going to go for the 29-year-old bartender. Right?


It's time to go inside to the booze fest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi has a weird Southern accent that also sounds a little ghetto. She must've picked that up during the hard knocks of law school life.

Andi has the feeling that the love of her life is standing in the house.

She immediately says, "Josh M. is my type." Probably helps that he's a former college football player for the Georgia Bulldogs. HER PARENTS HAVE STATUES OF GEORGIA BULLDOGS OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, she's into him.

That one guy is dressed just like Harrison on "Scandal." He walked right into Dillard's and said, "Make me a gladiator!" Then, he fed her some cookies. Like, he wanted her to eat a lot of cookies. Especially the black and white cookie-- because he is black and she is white. I get it.

ChrissyPoo lets us know that there's a rose up for grabs!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is the closest we've all been to a rose tonight." -- Guy


So, our twist for the season is that a guy who was on a few seasons ago is back! I totally can't remember his name, but he just showed up there and wants to be on the show, I guess. These producers think I am so dumb. I know they brought him there.

The real budding romance of the season is between Patrick and Andrew. They think they are on the same level and at one point, Andrew decides to sit a little closer to Patrick on the couch. Their love connection has to do with Formula One racing. I thought about Googling a few Formula One facts, but. Please.

We head back outside to ChrissyPoo and Andi. Chris lets her know that Chris, from Emily's season, wants to be on the show this season. Now, I remember! He was the overly sweet guy from Chicago. NOW HE'S THE INSANE ONE WHO JUST SHOWED UP AT CRAFT SERVICES.

Andi says NO, he cannot "vie for her heart."

Chris tells Chris that he should leave and InsaneChris says, "I'm not leaving, just to let you know."

Finally, RegularChris walks away and InsaneChris decides he will leave.


"Seeing a kid improve academically can bring a tear to your eye." -- Guy
OH. Wrong show, buddy. 

Andi tries to tell the farmer that she could be into farming. She's a total liar. She thinks farming is just "being outside." However, I could see her going the route of Pioneer Woman and at least getting some dogs and writing a book about living on a farm.

"Polish is my first language." -- Guy
Worst pickup line ever. 

Andi is super into Marcus because he said something in German to her. I mean, okay, gUrl. I like your surprises.

The first impression rose goes to Nick. He thinks Andi just felt bad about his nervousness and that's why he got a rose. Could be true? IDK.

Patrick is nervous because he spent more time courting Andrew than Andi. He got the names mixed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That bartender is from Utah. They have bars in Utah?!?!!?!?!?!?!?


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andi is truly grateful to be here.
I'm truly grateful that tonight's episode isn't 2 hours long!!!!!!!

Gentlemen, Andi, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The helicopter pilot got cut and I'm super bummed.

That lawyer with the bad jokes got cut.
He really thought he was going to marry her and have kids. Oopz.

Josh B. is crying. He can hear the other guys celebrating and not he's embarrassed. He accomplished nothing. He has to call his parents.

"This is stupid." -- Josh B.

So. That's that. Nothing happened.
Looks like we'll be here all season.

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