We're in St. Lucia and JP only brought his best cargo shorts for the trip. Obviously, he's a guy with stuff to carry.
Clare is up first.
Clare has just absolutely convinced herself that she would never, ever fall in love. So, on the flip side, she has convinced herself that this is just IT. She is completely blinded to the fact that this guy is the Ke$ha of bachelors.
The two get on a little dingy boat and head out to a yacht.
Conversation topics heading out to the yacht: cuteness, time limits.
The Pixel yacht takes off and at this point, we do not care about Camilla and what she might see on this show, JP and Clare are mugging down.
Clare and JP start discussing the family meeting. There's very little to this convo, because basically it was a set-up for Clare to be able to say, "I'M READY TO GET MARRIED AFTER A MONTH!" JP's response to everything was, "Your mom is so cute."
JP takes off Clare's cover-up, which is a perfect thing for your daughter to see on TV. Mostly, I'm upset that she might see this and think women can't take their own clothes off. It's 2014. Hillary's worked too hard. Take off your own cover-up.
It's dinner time.
All JP does is push people's hair around.
Tell him he looks sexy with his hair pushed back.
You look sexy with your hair pushed back.
"Is it weird if I want to meet Camilla?" -- Clare
"No, not weird." -- JP
This was an actual question and answer.
WHY WOULD IT BE WEIRD TO MEET YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND'S CHILD, CLARE?
That convo was over within like, 9 seconds and Clare just said she wanted to be a cool step-mom.
They get the fantasy suite card and Clare really, really wants to clarify that Vietnam isn't going to happen again. She's all, "remember when we did it in the ocean and you said your daughter wouldn't like that?"
It was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. JP said he prepared himself for "overnights," and that "this is what it is." I have no idea what that actually means. Eventually, we learn that JP is not going to get mad about the sex later.
This conversation was dumb. And they headed immediately to the fantasy suite.
JP goes to his token hair move and compliment, "you're so cute."
He accuses Clare of thinking too much and then pushes her hair back.
Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.
"I just love falling in love with you." -- Clare
Clare re-lives all of her favorite moments or something and basically, they decide that Clare trusts Juan Pablo.
"I don't want to lose these feelings." -- Clare
Like, you're worried you'd leave them at Target or something?
Hot tub. Hot tub.
There was 1/8 of a serious conversation had, one exchange of "falling in love" and a hot tub scene.
Next up, Andi.
I hope Andi continues to make Papa Hy proud.
I can only imagine how NOT proud of JP's tank top he would be.
The two are walking around a village and decide to learn how to play steel drums.
Then, they get some food and sit down at a random table.
JP completely terrifies two little boys sitting at the table and offers them food off his plate. HE'S ALL, HEY LITTLE BOY, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? All the guy needed was a van. It was terrifying. Then, he "heard" that the little boys like to play soccer, so they played some soccer on the beach.
He gets Andi in a dune buggy and takes her to a place where he's probably going to kill her. JK. They go on a hike in flip-flops (NOT SAFE) and make their way to a waterfall.
Andi tries to get JP to tell her about the conversations he had with her family.
"Your sister asked me a million questions and I was just like 'boom.'" -- JP
Andi got that one-piece on and a Michael Kors watch, under a massive waterfall. Kissing.
It's dinner time.
JP wants to clarify a few things Andi told him in Atlanta. Mainly, does Andi want to force this relationship with him or does she just want this badly?
Andi says this is serious to her, because there is a child involved. She's not trying to force anything.
"There's nothing wrong with thinking." -- JP
Well, try it sometime, son!
Andi asks if JP has any other concerns and he says nope! I'm like...you sure?
Anyway. JP launches into some diatribe about how this is HIS life. And then, then he starts in on this whole thing about someone "fitting" into his life. He says it about a million times. It's at this point that I get real annoyed. Listen, son. I get it. You have a daughter, but like, someone just doesn't need to "fit" into your life. YOU GOTTA BUILD THAT SHIT TOGETHER. I don't want to just "fit" into someone's life. If I just "fit" into someone's life that sounds like there'll never be any room on the DVR for my shows, I'll always have to go to Walmart alone and I'll continue to have to take my own car to get the oil changed. No thanks!
Run, Andi, run! He's totally going to make you run errands alone.
They get the fantasy suite card and both agree that some alone time would be good.
This was after Juan Pablo said he "didn't know" if Andi would be a good mother. I'm like, I know people who would tell ME I'd be good a mother, just because I can cook and get up early. You really don't see any qualities in this chick that would make a good mother? You really just "don't know"??????
Apparently, the fantasy suite was the best night ever for JP. He had fun and he thinks Andi is "cute." Frickin' puppies are cute, man.
Tiny little baby shoes are cute.
Andi on the other hand, had the worst night of her life.
"Waking up this morning, I couldn't wait to get out of the fantasy suite." -- Andi
Basically, Andi said most of her concerns were confirmed. She saw a side to him she didn't really like. She said she tried to talk about her feelings and that he always interrupted with his own stories and he never asked her any questions. She doesn't think JP cares about her.
WHY DID THIS TAKE SO LONG FOR SOMEONE TO NOTICE?
We've watched like, 18 hours of this crap over the past 2 months and I don't know anything about these people. Like, nothing.
Andi goes on and on and let's us know that our suspicions were correct: JP is a total d-bag.
We can't dwell on that forever though. It's Nikki time!!!!!!!
HOW CAN WE FOCUS ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS OUTFIT?
It's like Sacajawea met up with that Matilda Jane person at a Vera Bradley outlet and everyone died.
They get on some horses and I've never felt so bad for two horses in my life. They have to spend all day with these two people.
JP tells us why he likes Nikki: sexy, good kisser.
Qualities men should look for in a mother for their young daughter: not those.
"Someone got a little sexy today." -- JP
Translation: You barely wore any clothes.
"Good thing I put pants on." -- Nikki
Translation: The producers made me put pants on.
Then, JP says something about wanting Nikki to wear a thong while riding that horse. I've never been so grossed out in my entire life. This conversation goes on for far too long. Clearly, he like, really respects women and his daughter has nothing to worry about.
Why Nikki likes JP: good kisser, great dad.
[insert emoticon for rolling my eyes]
They stop on the beach and discuss Nikki's family.
She says her family really liked JP.
I can only assume everyone in her family was on Valium during the meeting.
Something about being real and it's okay and swimming.
Nikki has gotten close to telling JP she loves him, but she's scared.
Almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
Reluctantly, Nikki is fully clothed in a maxi dress.
JP goes for the token hair move. He's always moving hair around and like, her hair was already behind her ear.
For the third time this episode, JP accuses someone of "thinking."
He describes the entire situation as a "loose animal."
He never answered Nikki's question about having doubts.
He's tired of thinking and gets out the fantasy suite card. Nikki doesn't hesitate. Daughters be damned! It's overnight time!
Why Nikki would be a good partner for the rest of JP's life: she's honest, very pretty, sexy and cares about people.
This guy and his character qualities. Right? Right. OY.
Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and she has to tell him tonight.
JP asks Nikki, "what are you thinking?" And instead of letting her answer, he pushes her hair around, kisses her and calls her cute.
Nikki just goes for it and says, "I LOVE YOU."
JP says, "I didn't know that."
Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.
Nikki doesn't want the sun to come up, she wants this moment to last forever.
Juan Pablo is spending the night with this gUrl, met her parents and just now exclaims, "I can't wait to get to know more about Nikki."
If I wasn't dead before, I'm dead now.
JP meets up with Chrissy Poo.
But, not before Chrissy finally asks, "WHAT THE HELL DOES 'I'M GOOD' MEAN?"
JP tries to play the language card. Over it.
Same ole, same ole. Until Andi's video. Basically, she was all, "I've been thinking. I'm breaking up with you, the producers won't let me do it on video, so I'm going to walk up a hill to talk to you."
Andi heads to meet up with JP. She's ready to be done with this and ready to call it a day.
I guess JP was in a different village, because she was walking for. ever. Like, for. ever. Up a hill, down a hill, back up a hill.
Finally, she gets to JP.
Before Andi can even start talking, JP goes for the hair move. Andi doesn't let that distract her. But, for me, if a guy wanted to touch my hair that much, I would flip my shit. Like, I would shave my head if he touched it that much.
She just says, we've been here a while, I really liked you, it was fun and adventurous, blahblahblah, lots of feelings.
"It's okay, it's okay." -- JP
"It shouldn't just be okay, it's not okay... I really put myself out there... I missed stuff... it's not just okay." -- Andi
So, then, like...JP tries to explain why it's okay. It's okay because: it's okay.
Andi says, saying it's okay makes it sounds like he has no feelings.
"Well, English is my second language." -- JP
Something about Andi only thinking about one guy.
THEN, HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT "ANDI" LIKE SHE ISN'T SITTING RIGHT THERE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH... ANDI!
"To me it's okay, I respect you... I appreciate you being honest with me...Am I gonna die right now? No. Is it sad? Yes, because I do like Andi." -- JP
At this point, I'm ready to give up. Andi feels like JP has no idea who she is, she's tried to share her feelings and talk about herself and all JP says is, "it's okay."
He keeps saying Andi has been in the top three since week 2.
Then, she tries to tell him that talking about overnights with other gUrls is kind of offensive. Andi wants to clarify that she knows how the show works and she didn't need to hear about the date. JP says, "I was just being honest."
Then, there's an 18-minute conversation about the word "default."
JP says he would've never said that word because he doesn't know that word.
Apparently, he told her she barely made it to St. Lucia. Or he said, she was the "default" choice for St. Lucia.
Then, it's all. Honesty, honest, honesty.
"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole." -- Andi
"Okay." -- JP
There was a commercial break and they are still talking about the word "default." Andi wants to watch the tape. JP tells us again that he doesn't even know that word.
Andi gives up on that and then asks JP if he knows her religion, political views or anything about her thought on THINGS THAT MATTER. Like, PREACH. He probably doesn't even know where she went to college. Is she a Georgia fan or a Georgia Tech fan? Or did she like, go to Clemson or something?
"I have no idea about any of that." -- JP
OY. OY. OY.
I've been on a lot of first dates. You don't talk about kids on first dates, but you definitely cover the basics. Yes, I go to church. No, let's not talk about who I voted for. OMG, the Arkansas Razorbacks are everything to me.
Andi says, because of this she doesn't think JP takes her seriously.
I don't think that, I think JP is a selfish SOB who wants someone to "fit" into his life.
FAVORITE SCENE EVER ON THE BACH.
"What's my religion?" -- JP
(zero seconds pass)
"Catholic." -- Andi
It was gold. He was sooooooo shocked she knew that he was Catholic. But, honestly... context clues, you know?
Anyway. JP says he had a perfect time with Andi.
"Talk, laugh, smile. That's it." -- JP
Andi tells JP to NEVER say, "that's okay" again. Then, she calls him annoying.
He's all, "it's my favorite thing to say."
He tries to mess with her face and she says, "DON'T MESS UP MY MAKEUP."
"AY, ANDI." -- JP
FINALLY. IT'S OVER.
In JP's interview, he says he was "maybe" disappointed.
Then, he tells us... if she just would've come up and been like, "it's not gonna work, I would've been sad, very sad." BUT. Because she came and told him why it wasn't going to work and told him he should work on some stuff, he's not sad, he's mad.
I'm beginning to think this guy's ESL teacher was Matthew McConaughey.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay, okay, okay.
"If Andi would've wanted to stay, I would say no." -- JP
See what he did there? He turned it around and somehow convinced himself that she would change her mind and want to come back, but he's in charge here and would say NO. Like. What. That chick ain't coming back, son.
Andi gets in the van and knows that nothing she said made any sense to JP. She made no impact on his life. He is way too into himself to have any clue. It's not his ESL problem. It's his JP problem. (Nailed it.)
PRAISE REPORT: Someone on this show has standards.
After all of that, I'm done.
Rose ceremony did happen.
Clare lost 14 pounds due to excessive sweating.
Firstly, perfect use of Mean Girls references. They were much appreciated. Also, the religion conversation was TV gold.
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