Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 4.

JP and his Forever Valentine begin the epi by hanging out on the couch. That bow takes up an entire cushion. So, JP is leaving and stuff, but he brought baby gUrl all the way to LA anyway, because we need to know that like, he is a dad.

Chrissy Poo looks like he's going camping!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo tells the ladies they are going to the "home of Gangnam Style." Which, like... I'm sure South Korea is known for other things, right?

Clare tells us she has never gone anywhere and then she seems to think she's going to the moon?

The baby gUrls land and one G just screams, "We're in Asia!"

They walk through the streets of Seoul like Nick Carter's entourage before heading to their hotel to pick up the date card.

Nikki is MAD. She's halfway around the world and she has to spend the day with a bunch of annoying gUrls tomorrow. She's obviously one of the ladies who HAS NO IDEA ABOUT THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW.


JP is explaining what K-Pop is to all of us. Something about Gangnam Style and taking over America. I feel like there's a manufacturing or debt ceiling joke in here somewhere, but I can't find it.

The gUrls are riding around in one of those vans with a ladder on the back. Probably has a Nintendo in it, too.

"This is where K-Pop happens." -- JP
Is that how you say it?

So, we head into this studio, or "dance room" as one gUrl said and they all act like know who this 21 group is and what they do.

JP opens up the dancing and Kat is a dancer has been doing this before she could walk, so she is totally in her element. You know what I could do before I could walk? Breathe and cry. So, she is obviously way talented.

Chelsie calls this her "childhood dream." THIS? DANCING FOR A KOREAN POP GROUP IS YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAM? I wanted to be a doctor.

The gUrls learn a dance and Kat takes over and Nikki is real mad still. The group 21 heads back into the "dance room" and invites the ladies to perform with them at their "huge show." Can you even believe this happened? They learned a dance and now have to perform it in front of a huge crowd in another country. This show is so full of surprises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki wants to crap her pants and would rather perform for the Korean School of the Blind. But, if she did that they wouldn't be able to see her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's time for the ladies to pick out their performance outfits and Cassandra loves dancing and she loves performing, so this is the perfect combination of both for her.

Juan Pablo shows up in an outfit that he straight up stole from a Ken Doll.

Every gUrl puts on an outfit that they borrowed from a recovering meth addict.

If that 21 group is so big and famous why are they getting dropped off at the mall by their mom driving that huge ass van? So, at this point, they are just like every 13-year-old in America.

The gUrls hit the stage. I think everyone started straying from the choreography a little bit. Kat is a wearing a hat that says, "BOY." I don't get it.

Everyone is mad at Kat for just doing the damn thing. I think they are mad because she's the best dancer in South Korea.

I think Nikki had fun, but I don't think she's going to admit that to us.

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat gets some one-on-one time with JP and she wants him to know that's she WAY MORE THAN JUST A BACKUP DANCER FOR A KOREAN POP GROUP.

Nikki is telling the group that she thinks Kat is fake and that her offers of guacamole to the group are not sincere.

Kat is telling JP about her parents divorce and her dad's alcoholism and JP says, "Oh. How do you deal with that?" JP with the emotional support coming in strong!!!!!!!!!!!!

"It feels good to have feelings. It's a new experience for me." -- Kat

Cassandra is so ready to get out of that circle because Nikki is turning the group into a burn book.
Elise pulls him aside and says, "There are gUrls here who will not be good mothers." OUCHIES. Right now, a lot of my friends would say the exact same thing because my priorities mostly revolve around Bravo TV, craft beer and Twitter.

Nikki finally gets her time with JP and she says she's shy and really wants to be there.

"How do you feel about Camilla?" -- JP, out of nowhere
I guess this wasn't that shocking since everyone knows he's a dad, but the question seemed kind of out of the blue. 

Are these ladies only sitting around drinking tea? Worst date ever.

JP pulls Nikki aside again and grabs the rose at the same time. Ladies be mad. Elise is so mad she says she would never even let Nikki be around her child. EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A NURSE.

Nikki gets the rose and a kiss.



JP says Sharleen is his favorite right now because culture.

Sharleen isn't in love and she doesn't know if she wants to marry him.

JP did something different to his hair. Definitely over-gelled that ish. Definitely.

They bought some traditional Korean dresses and tried some food.

They kind of seem like they are just doing research for a middle school book report or something. It's kind of cute because JP is trying really hard and is really into her, but baby gUrl ain't impressed. I mean, she sings opera and he's wearing tight pastel yellow pants.

Sharleen got two degrees in music, because opera. JP says he would get a degree in soccer if he could.

"You are not bland." -- Sharleen
"Okay." -- JP
This date is every date I've ever been on.

JP takes Sharleen to a building with a courtyard and tells her to sing. She's all, "don't make me sing."

Finally, she does some voice exercises and starts belting something and then JP says, "you're good." Sharleen says she's opened up WAY MORE than she thought she would. There's some Spanglish and kissing. Oh. Lip biting!

JP is wearing a sweatshirt and Sharleen looks like she's going to dinner with Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman."

Sharleen says she could fall in love with JP, which is way different than what she was saying just a few minutes ago.

DINNER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP is trying so hard with this chick. And the poor guy thinks they have "so much in common." Maybe they do. IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I felt like such a foreigner." -- Sharleen, on living in Germany

"How many kids do you want?" -- JP
"Me?" -- Sharleen
LOL. Who else would he be talking to, gUrl?

Sharleen doesn't know how to answer this question. JP goes on and on about kids and dating a man with kids and then asks her again. She actually did a pretty decent job of answering the question and was just honest with the guy. He seemed to be into her answer, because he didn't even flinch and gave her a rose.

"You are different. You have class." -- JP
He keeps saying that to her, so I think he thinks the other gUrls don't have class. 
JP gets it. He really gets it. 


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're going to get KRAZY with a "K" today!!!!!!!

I'm sure everyone in Seoul loves hearing the streets of their city described as, "there's all this crazy stuff everywhere."

They've already said, "crazy" 189 times.

JP takes them to a Korean karaoke place and Clare can't read Korean, so she didn't know where they were.

They are singing karaoke in the tiniest room ever built and dancing around like 13-year-olds seeing color for the first time.

They leave the karaoke place and get some lemonade. Is anything crazier than lemonade?

Then, they get on some paddle boats shaped like ducks.

Then, they go get fish pedicures. The other patrons in this place, just enjoying some tea, are the least happy people in Seoul right now. Everyone is squealing. This is exactly like a middle school sleepover.

Why is JP carrying his phone around?

Ladies be noticing that Clare is territorial.

Clare doesn't want to eat octopus, as it's the "epitome of her fears." I think she's a liar. And she used that word incorrectly.

Things are weirder than octopus. Right?

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP pulls Renee aside and she thinks it would be the perfect night for a kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renee brings up both children before trying to kiss JP. Weirdsies. JP then tells us how many gUrls he has kissed and that he is going to slow down and not kiss any gUrls tonight. Renee be mad about that, y'all.

JP makes Andi sit on the ground and she has on the tightest dress in the group and like, I'd have trouble getting down there and getting back up.

They are just relaxing on the pavement, up against a concrete wall. ROMANCE.

"I love sleeping in!" -- JP

JP says Andi is "just perfect."

CUDDLE BUGGIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is obsessed with kissing this guy, but they don't know that he said there would be ZERO KISSES tonight!!!!!

Lauren S. asks JP to dance and then asks for a kiss in Spanish. JP says, "NO."
This is awkward. Worst dance ever.
She cries. A lot.

All the gUrls see JP hug Lauren S. and they are all sad. Lauren S. says she's there for the right reasons and then calls herself a "f***ing idiot." : (

"I just think Clare is very, very possessive...it's not a bad thing...if you're a dog." -- DogLover
Nailed it. 

Andi and DogLover are reenacting Clare eating the octopus. It's one of the best original screenplays I've ever seen.

"Do you want to know what happened?! I threw up in my mouth!" -- Clare
Maybe, don't share that.

JP says she likes Clare's "policy" of no kissing and asks how she made that decision. Then, she's all, "I said, no kissing, but I didn't say for how long!" Oh, Clare.

JP can't help it. He kisses her, because something about her teeth?

He better give her that rose to her after making her sit on that pavement and shit.
She feels like she really got to know him because he told her he likes to sleep in.


"We are in a palace. It's beautiful! IT'S PAINTED!" -- Chelsie
It's painted?

JP starts out the evening by pulling DogLover aside. DogLover's dress is missing an entire sleeve. : (
We don't see any of their convo. So, it must've been really stimulating. I'm assuming they just talked about dogs.

Clare gets some time and then Nikki starts lurking. Clare thinks Nikki is disrespectful.

Nikki tells DogLover that Clare is telling secrets. And DogLover calls Clare crazy, but I don't know if it's crazy with a "K" or just regular crazy.

Clare rolls up on this convo and then DogLover is like, "I'm uncomfortable between the two of you." This gUrl gets it... minus all that dog stuff. So, she doesn't really get it.

Nikki just thinks Clare is threatened by her and it's just all BLAH. BORED.

ChrissyPoo rolls in!!! This guy, this job. OY.

"People will have to fly home, 12 hours, feeling rejected." -- JP
LOLOLOLOL, but : (

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that gUrl, Allison, was Andi/Lauren S. Who is Allison?

Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is the final rose tonight!!!!!!!!!!


What is Chris Harrison's tie? Does he think he can get away with anything?

Elise is super disappointed. She's ready to have a family. So, this is "messed up."

Lauren S. rolls out in her Members Only jacket. She feels like she's ready for love and she's ready to find it. She thinks this is happening because she tried to kiss him. Now, she has to fly all the way home thinking that's why she is going home. IDK. Probably a lot of reasons.


JP tells the ladies they are going to Vietnam!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. I'm certain most of them know nothing about Vietnam.


Sommer said...

I greatly enjoy these posts.

Betsy Goldstein said...

These posts make me so happy:)

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