Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 1.

Growing up, this is never what I envisioned for my life. Part of me feels like living inside of a Walmart and showering at truck stops would be a better life for me than watching this show every season.

But, like Proverbs and make a plan and GOD WILL LAUGH, right? IDK!!!!!!!!!


We start and JP is in the middle of a photo shoot. JP makes a lot of weird faces, but basically he looks confused a lot or like, maybe he's just the subject of a reality dating show. Then, he goes running and stops under an overpass to do the Dougie or something.

We meet JP's daughter and I'm going to steer clear, because I'm a decent human being. But, like she will ALWAYS be his valentine, so all y'all ladies need to hear that, okay!

"I'm in this situation because America wanted me to be the Bachelor." -- JP
Oh. Okay. Well, America is in a world of shit right now and once elected a former professional wrestler to be governor of a state people have heard of, so I wouldn't read too much into that. 

I guess his parents and kid are going to be in LA with him as he goes on this JOURNEY. I guess education and stability are NOT important to him. What is important? Linen shorts. Seen a lot of those already.

Drawing hearts in the sand, walk on the beach, walk up a mountain in jeans, running along the beach.


The Bachelor producers sprung for a swing set for the Eternal Valentine (baby gUrl Camilla) outside of the compound and like, WHAT A RATCHET SWING SET. Seriously though, there's a rusty version of that swing set in my parents' backyard. You'd think this franchise could afford a wooden swing set from the JC Penney catalog or something. I'm guessing this one is from the Adam Levine collection at K-Mart.

Oh, Sean is here. JP says he called him. LIES. He thinks we don't know. Like, how do they even know each other? They "dated" the same gUrl?

Sean is wearing all the blue. All the shades of blue.

He's giving some advice on kissing and stuff, but mostly, all I can think about is how I have that same pair of pants Sean is wearing. Gap, 2008. Wore them in the snow two days ago. : (

Then, Sean tells a weird story about a dog and a skunk and falling in love with Cathy Cat. How lucky were they to have tomato juice in the pantry, though?

JP bids farewell to SeanBoy and gets ready to go meet the ladies. Looks like he BORROWED A POCKET SQUARE FROM CHER. IDK.


CHRISSY POO IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically, he tells us that everyone fell in love with JP, because #sexysingledad. This really feels like a movie that plays on TBS a lot.

Letz meet the ladies!!!!!!!!!

One gUrl in and we've got a soccer coach. Cliche.
Baby gUrl is mostly looking to get a hug and of course, she is speaking some broke ass Spanish.

Two gUrls in and we've got a single mom. Cliche.
Renee found out JP was going to be the Bach and SHE WAS SO EXCITED, so she took a walk along the beach.

Oh, a lawyer. Look at that other lawyer. Big files, bigger sunglasses.
She stares off into the sunset for a second.

AMY J. got dem bangz!!!!!!! Year of the bangs, thanks Michelle Obama!!!!!!
She wants to massage him and feed him breakfast or something.

Nikki got dem Ks and an I. 
And she was all up in that baby's mug. What if I went to the doctor a nurse did that to me? : (

We got a baby G from Edmond, Oklahoma (SHOUT OUT MATT REES!!!!!!!!).
She's like, the 7th gUrl we have met and she's the first one to say she's #extremelyblessed.

gUrl on a farm with some goats.

gUrl on a beach and at a park with her special needs siblings, then she goes back to the beach.

 gUrl with blonde hair says she's part Mexican.
She's our first sad story of the night and the first to call herself, "baby gUrl."

LIMO TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo meets up with JP and I can only understand every 7th word that Juan Pablo says.

Chris says they "opened up" the casting and instead of 25 ladies, there are 27, for a TOTAL OF TWO EXTRA LADIES.

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer. I don't want to be a hater, but thatz not a full-time job, so.

Christine is a "police support specialist" and she brought JP's Eternal Valentine something you wouldn't sell to a blind person on Etsy.

Nikki found a really quick way for JP to get a gander at her cleavage right off the bat.


Salsa dancing.

How does he look so surprised every time another gUrl gets out of the limo? It's like he was expecting a dinosaur or something, instead of a gUrl?

Chick without shoes' job title is "free spirit," so I'm dead now.

I mean, I get it, but like, get a key-tar and save yourself the trouble. ~~dRaMa~~

Science "educator" says she "teaches" at a science museum.

Ashley goes with the sexy whisper voice and gold star method.

Oh, a pregnant gUrl? She wasn't preg a few minutes ago. Oh. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING, CRAZY ASS?


gUrl's job title is "dog lover" and now I wish I hadn't spent all of that time in college TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF.


Is this an episode of Roseanne now?


ChrissyPoo sends JP inside and reminds him to give that first impression rose to someone he DEFINITELY wants to stay. Like. OBVIOUSLY, CHRIS. Obviously.

"...You try to meet me and I try to meet you, as yourself..." -- JP
This is going to be a long season. 

JP brought a DJ and a photo booth to the house. Or. The ladies think he did.

"Time to see who I'm to give rose tonight." -- JP
Just. Missing some words and stuff. 

"What do you want to know about me?" -- Nikki
"Just your name." -- JP
: (

"Eight is probably a fun age?" -- JP

Lucy got that floral crown on and then gets up in JP's grill and then puts her nasty ass feet on him. Which, I thought was pretty bad until DemBangz tried to give JP a massage in the driveway over his suit.

During the massage, she tells him that he is beautiful and like, isn't  that unprofessional? I don't know massage rules, so maybe not.

"It's a big rose." -- Danielle
I guess we have officially run out of adjectives to describe roses. 


We come back and Maggie finds another way to describe the rose: HER ENTIRE FUTURE.
She's 24. Not old.

That poor gUrl told JP her mother died and all he did was make a sad face and then she said she was looking for her prince and he said, "you're in the right place." So. Like, he should get better with those conversations and stuff.

Is that Ariel? (Real question.)

Now, Lauren H. has changed her location from Edmond to OKC.
She's also our first G in tears. Like, gotta lock that shit up.

I mean, I know it'd be totally against what this show is going for, but I think it'd be healthy for these gUrls to go through some counseling and stuff before they go on this show. Like, learn about yourself and how ready you are for this "journey." Sit down with your dad and get some of those issues resolved. You know?


Gs be stressin' over not getting alone time yet.

Lauren H. is still crying and at this point, I'm worried for her mental health.
Finally, she gets some time with JP.

"I guess this is bringing up some insecurities." -- Lauren H. 
"Why? Don't!" -- JP
Seriously, JP? Gotta work on this. 

We learn that Lauren H. was almost a step-mom and NOT just engaged. So, yeah, that's dramatic. She's young. I'm 30 and I honestly don't know if I could be a step-mom. I almost cried trying to get the gas company to turn on gas in my new home yesterday. And also, I can't see myself to committing to any two pieces of bedroom furniture for any extended period of time, so yeah. I should be a mom.

Sexy music time for Andi, the lawyer. She wants to be in control, but she's not in control.

"What do you study?" -- JP, to Andi, the lawyer
Is that a question you ask an adult you're trying to date? If so, I just realized why I am still single.
First, I've never asked an adult male that and no adult me has asked me that. : (

JP is digging on Sharleen and her dress. But, she talks about how she is trying to not eat meat. So, I hate her. She's also an opera singer, which honestly, I had no idea that was still a profession, so get it, gUrl! I bet she speaks Latin, too.

While JP is going to get Sharleen (SHARLEEN?!) the first impression rose, she's going on and on about how she doesn't feel a connection with Juan Pablo.

Baby gUrl is bored. Like, BORED.
Like, she might as well be listening to someone talk about different types of bricks.

ChrissyPoo rolls in and tells JP it's time to hand out roses.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo, ever the gracious host, breaks down how this will work.

"If you hear your name called, step forward and accept the rose...if you do not hear your name, you will be going home immediately." -- ChrissyPoo
This REALLY needed to be said? 

Oh, yes, it did need to be said, because as soon as JP said the first name, baby gUrl looked around and said, "me?" OY. : (

So far, everyone else has complete understanding as to how this works.

How does he suddenly remember all of their names? It's probably 2am and they've been filming this scene for like, 6 DAYS or something.

Spoke too soon. That gUrl walked forward when JP said someone's name that was not her name and now everyone looks like they are about to jump off a bridge. I have to hand it to these people, 140 years later and they are still producing crazy amounts of second-hand embarrassment.


I swear he said, "Meow, will you accept this rose?"
So, again, I cannot understand his words.

So, going home: gUrl that looks like Little Mermaid, DemBangz, sexy whisper teacher voice, crier that wanted to be a step-mom.

DemBangz says she put herself out there completely and I hope when she watches this back, she will realize that may have been her main problem tonight.

"Picturing my life with Juan Pablo was great and I could picture my life with him EVEN MORE after meeting him." -- The Little Mermaid
Oh. Oh. Oh. 


So, 16 hours later and Juan Pablo gave his first rose to an opera singer.  He gave his second rose to the gUrl that tried to fake a pregnancy right out of the limo. I think that's an excellent summation of everything that happened.


Anonymous said...

Please don't ever stop writing these reviews. That was absolutely hilarious, and your posts makes this train wreck of a show (that I cannot stop watching) completely worth it.

Dana said...

absolutely amazing. I love this more than anything.


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