After a quick tease from Chrissy Poo about the "television event of the summer" HAPPENING NOW (clearly, he didn't see the Jodi Arias movie on Lifetime), we're shown what, originally, I thought were some deleted scenes from "Hook." But, no. It's just our gUrl, Des, on a boat.
Des, wearing some version of a bathmat, recaps every single detail of her journey while on the boat. She heads off to the "Veranda resort here in Antigua" and does some more recapping.
MORE recapping, because the shows aren't already 2 hours long.
It's time for baby boi Drew to meet up with his main G, Des. Drew does an interesting little prance and then tells Des it's "pretty much his first experience in the Caribbean." I have so many questions. Pretty much? Like, you once watched Mary Kate and Ashley's "Holiday in the Sun" and pretended like it was a vacation? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, DREW?
The two lovebirds take their red Jeep up to ole Shirley Heights for a party. They buy some souvenirs and Drew has plans to keep them forever and put them in his house one day. It should be noted that I'm pretty sure he bought a coin purse.
They leave the party and head to a scenic overlook that Drew insists on calling "The Secret Garden." Which isn't a book for little gUrls or anything.
Des has an up-do.
They do some kissing on top of the hill and talk about angels, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS AN ANGEL NOW.
It's time for dinner, but it's raining, so they make out under an umbrella and Drew was making Des hold the umbrella. But, twist! They both had umbrellas.
Des had dinner on the beach planned, but the rain washed it away, so they went room 402, where the special summer collection from Pier 1 was really causing a scene. Even Lily Pulitzer (RIP) would've been offended by those bright colors.
Oh! This is the fantasy suite.
The fantasy suite is room 402.
They get the fantasy date card and Drew doesn't hesitate to accept.
"I'm at the point now, where I know exactly what I'm looking for." -- Drew
You sure, buddy?
Drew asked Des how she feels about this and all she said was, "exactly like you do!" It's going to be a long, hard life for baby gUrl if she doesn't start forming some opinions.
"I need communication, because my ex-boyfriend he couldn't communicate terrible." -- Des
Read that again.
Drew is completely comfortable with his feelings (for a woman), so he's ready to show his feelings. He's even ready to get down on a knee right there!
If I had to borrow a shirt from Drew I wouldn't be able to find one that fits. : (
They leave the wicker couch and head into the incredibly modest fantasy suite for some indian-style sitting and kissing on top of the bed. Never seen anything look more uncomfortable. After about 20 seconds of that, Drew tells the camera crew that it's time to leave and then we just have to listen to kissing noises for a few seconds before Des whispers, "it's so hot in here."
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, the teasing!
Do you think they turned on a fan or what?!
Up next: TWIST!
We're headed to an exotic date in Boise with Brooks, Brooks's mom and Brooks's sister, that I thought was his mom on the previews a few weeks ago.
I'm kind of weird and dream of visiting places like Cleveland, Omaha and Cedar Rapids, so Boise is right up my alley!
However, kind of weird that he has to go on a date with his family. : (
I guess baby boi is on the struggle bus and can't decide if he's IN LOVE or just in love.
Does Sister look like that Millionaire Matchmaker?
Basically, Brooks is all, "should I propose?"
And then, Sister is all, "you know what you should do."
And Mom is all, "If you have any doubt!"
And then, no lie, they just stared at him.
Then, they go on and on and on about how "darling" Desiree is, but Brooks just isn't prepared to propose. And I'm like: HELLO. THAT'S OKAY. MAYBE, YOU CAN LIKE, TELL HER THIS AND BE ALL, "CAN WE JUST DATE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?"
Patti Singer/Sister gave Brooks a speech about being honest and pointed at her heart a lot. Then, Brooks just started thinking.
Back to what is now the second most exotic location of the trip: Antigua! (Sorry, most exotic is now Boise, because blue football, potatoes, mountains.)
It's time for Chris and Des to get their one-on-one date on!
And. Then. It. Happens.
The worst "outfit" I've ever seen with my own human eyes.
Des, the designer, is wearing pajama sweat pants, a bikini top and then the real show stopper: a crocheted, fringe half-vest. Or. Maybe it's a full vest. IDK.
Chris, gets out of his BLACK Jeep (not red) and they discuss how this is their first time in the Caribbean and Des tells Chris, IT'S TIME FOR A HELICOPTER!
Chris has never been in a helicopter, so he's like, so excited.
"Antigua is beautiful. It's a sight I've never even seen before." -- Chris
Yeah. BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE.
Chris describes all of the colors of the water for us (kind of like the different colors of the wind).
Chris is still convinced that Des is "sharing the same feelings of love" as him. There has to be a better way to say that, Poetry Boi.
Are they not allowed to wear sunglasses?
Des tells Chris that she really liked playing baseball with him and then they fed each other watermelon.
Then, they made out while laying at the edge of the water.
I mean, I get it: romance.
But, also: SAND.
It's time for dinner!
They toast to "the two best months I've had, ever" and drink some frozen concoction.
Des doesn't waste any time asking Chris about the future.
Chris goes on a rant about LIVING IN SEATTLE BY THE WATER and eventually, Des agrees, because, you know: sacrifice.
Chris says, for the 14th time that Des makes him feel "vibrant." Which, I don't qualify as an actual feeling because he also keeps saying that Des makes him feel "alive," which is kind of the definition of "vibrant." So. He's super redundant for someone who considers himself a poet.
"Let's talk about two favorite things from each thing we've done!" -- Chris
I now feel like I'm at the ending session of a summer camp.
I don't think Des named two things about EVERY SINGLE THING they've done, she just talked about how Chris "taught her to throw a dodge ball"? So, like, she didn't do PE in elementary school? Holly Robinson taught me to throw a dodge ball at Center Valley Elementary school in the early '90s and holy shit, I can't believe I remember my elementary PE teacher's name.
Chrissy Poo invites them to share a fantasy suite together, you know, IF THEY WANT TO, and this Chris says he definitely does.
"If we do it, I definitely want to watch the stars." -- Chris
IS THAT CODE FOR SOMETHING or he's serious?
"Oh? That'd be nice?" -- Des, in response to "watching the stars"
Ohhhhhh. He probz meant he wants to watch "Dancing with the Stars" on ABC!
They head to the fantasy suite and they got the hook-up on this one! This place looks like the Taj Mahal compared to room 402 back at the damn Days Inn.
Chris wastes no time in busting out a poem.
At this point, I don't know what's worse: this guy with his "poems" or the guy with the guitar.
I don't want to be a hater, but I have to be a hater.
Was that a poem? He kind of just terribly recapped everything?
There was no rhythm, no meter, no nothing!
(It's not pretty, it's not gUrly, it's not anything!)
I mean, IDK, guys. After really thinking about it, I don't think that would qualify as a poem.
Then, they kissed in a hot tub/"watched the stars."
In the most shocking turn of events EVER, the producers managed to lure Brooks away from Boise and got him on a plane to Antigua.
However, I don't think he's staying long, as he only packed a non-trad backpack on wheels. You don't want to be in a group project with that guy!
There's absolutely NO foreshadowing going on with Des. (Guys, that was sarcasm.)
Chrissy Poo heads over to Brooks's place and Brooks tries to break it down for us.
And so begins 48 minutes of Brooks whispering and me trying to figure out what he said.
PEOPLE ARE STRUGGLING WITHOUT THEIR SUNGLASSES. So much squinting. They actually look like they might be in pain.
Chrissy Poo is asking the tough questions.
"Are you not sure?" -- Chrissy Poo
Did Brooks dye his hair? It's darker.
I think Chris is PIST (SHOUT OUT 2929!).
Brooks is so confusing. First he's all, blahblahNOTTHEONE, then he's all blahblahCRAZYLOVE.
This would be a really good John Mayer album, am I right?
Chris breaks it down some more. Brooks isn't afraid to commit, but he doesn't want to commit to Des.
There's going to be tears and heartache and he's going to be the cause of "all that."
Chrissy Poo tells Brooks to lock his shit up and good luck!
Brooks looks out over the Caribbean (which, no one has asked him if this is first, second or third time in the Caribbean, so I feel pretty cheated) and does some thinking.
"It's rare that I have to break up with somebody that I feel so strongly about." -- Brooks
This is how I feel about unfollowing people on the Gram.
Like, I love you as a frand, but I cannot look at one more photo of you and "this guy."
Seriously though, Brooks is three paragraphs away from being the subject of every song on a Taylor Swift album.
Finally. It's time. Brooks makes the walk to Des.
Des is wearing a sad outfit. It'd be sad even if she wasn't about to get dumped. It's like 1/4 of a shirt. I can't even describe it. (But, I mean, baby gUrl got a great bod.)
Des goes on and on and on about Brooks being the front-runner and she's excited and she's in love and SHE MISSES HIM EVERY DAY. Every damn day, you guys.
"If Brooks got on one knee and proposed to me, I would definitely say yes!" -- Des
What about just being Facebook official? That's more where his head is at this moment.
Immediately, Des notices something is wrong.
So. Brooks starts whispering.
Brooks says he "loses it" when he's away from Des, which like, that's a personal problem. What if you had to be away from your wife for a weekend? You just like, forget your vows or sumpin?
"Tell me how you really feel." -- Des
Now Des starts whispering.
E'erybody be cryin'.
All God's chil'ren be cryin'.
Brooks is all, "LOOK AT ME!"
And Des is all, "NO! I can't!"
Des asks Brooks to start the story again.
Please note: her leg is still draped over his like they're on a couch sharing ice cream.
Des puts her head in between her legs to cry. Brooks goes to comfort her and she screams, "STOP IT!"
No two people on national television have ever needed a Kleenex more than these two. I feel so bad for the editors at this point, because like, it's just all sniffles.
"I don't know what to say! I love you! I do!" -- Des
"What? Why didn't you tell me that earlier?" -- Brooks
"I can't tell you that."
"No, you can say what you want."
"I TOLD YOU I WAS RUNNING!"
Because remember: running equals full-blown love?
I have to say: this is the most real thing we have ever seen on this show. Props, ABC! It's so real I can barely understand what these two are saying to each other.
At this point, she's been dumped. Like, he dumped her and she just doesn't want to get out of there!
The last time I really got dumped, I was sitting at this dude's dinner table, eating a taco. Mid-conversation and not even half-way into my taco I got dumped. I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THERE FAST ENOUGH. I didn't stay to finish my taco! I bailed! And like, it was traumatic and I needed answers and all that BS, but like. Baby gUrl had to go.
Des! Get. out. of. there.
Legitimately, I cannot understand or hear what Brooks is saying.
I heard: hindsight, head first, how I feel.
"Just stop talking, PLZ." -- Des
Baby gUrl, this is when you leave!
These two are just cuddle buggin' their way through this break-up.
We're treated to an interview with Brooks and he mumbles and cries his way through, "...But, I love Des...I'm really questioning myself..." It was like an interview with a schizophrenic.
Honestly, this is when I actually realized I wasn't watching deleted scenes from "Hook."
They get up and start walking.
Shit gets real at this point.
Brooks tries to ask her what she's going to do and wants to make it better by saying, "I thought maybe, you were conflicted and this would help."
"What?! You want to know why I was conflicted?! Because I wanted to give my heart to you! I wanted to go on dates with you!" -- Des
"Ok, I guess I'll shut up." -- Brooks
Brooks refuses to leave after Des finally tells him to go home.
They hug some more.
THESE EDITORS ARE GOING FOR AN EMMY.
We can hear a heartbeat during all of this hugging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I guess you can go, I'm going to go sit by myself." -- Des
That sounds like me at a lot of people's dinner parties when my frandz leave the room to go to the bathroom.
Finally, they part ways.
Des heads to the water. And just like that... it's over.
OR IS IT?
Brooks is crying on the road and mumbling to himself!
He calls it the "worst day of his life" and then starts talking to people off-camera.
THESE ARE REAL EMOTIONS, PEOPLE.
RAW. SO RAW.
"I don't want to say goodbye!" -- Brooks
Because that's what love means, never having to say 'goodbye'!
Lot of heaving breathing.
Lot of sniffling.
Brooks walks up the hill.
"All of those moments that we had together, I miss them already." -- Brooks
Brooks gets in the limo and says he hoped that she was in love with Drew or Chris, which like, yeah... but, like, even if that were to happen they are definitely broken up NOW. I don't think a relationship can recover from this, right? IDK, Drew might put up with it.
"Honestly, for me. It's over." -- Des
Yeah, 2 hours later.
So. Is it over?
So they WERE sweatpants!
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