The boyz are back!
Unfortunately, they never went anywhere.
Chrissy Poo rolls in to tell the boyz what to expect in the next few days. But, all I see is cloudy with a chance of HAIR GEL and HOODIES. There are 13 dudes left and more than half are wearing a hoodie while sitting in this living room. However, it seems that most of them have switched over to crew neck t-shirts. So.
VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.
Chris let the boyz know that they are headed to Atlantic City.
Read that again.
Basically, they've won a trip to a giant Cracker Barrell on the ocean.
I went to Atlantic City in February. The town Christmas tree was still up and on full display. In February.
This is me, in Atlantic City, getting my picture taken, then I spent most of my evening at a slot machine called KITTY GLITTER.
It's time for the one-on-one date! Brad and Des head off into the cold morning air and all the boyz are skeptical. Brad has a kid AND IT'S HIS FIRST TIME ON THE BOARDWALK. Des really felt the need to bring that up, so I felt like I should bring it up, too.
Brad has apparently been living in Denver. He's never been on a boardwalk OR had salt water taffy. WHAT A TRAVESTY.
The two head to a candy factory or something and feed each other pretzels.
Des is super into Brad because he's just been "rolling with it" all day. Rolling with what? Is this some sort of Monopoly joke that I'm not following?
(FYI: Monopoly is based off of Atlantic City.)
While Des and Brad are being super crazy and totally silly some of the boyz at the hotel realize they can see the two frolicking on the boardwalk from their room, HUNDREDS OF YARDS AWAY. This is most upsetting to Zak. They only reason he can even confirm that it's probz them is because of the camera crew following them. Otherwise, HUNDREDS OF YARDS AWAY.
Next, Brad and Des head to the beach to check out a giant ass sandcastle.
"What type of gUrl do you typically date?" -- Des, to Brad
"Nothing specific." -- Brad
His answer was so vague. I think this is because he doesn't "specifically" date women.
The date on the beach lasted 14 minutes, so the two lovebirds head to a lighthouse for dinner. Des asks Brad if he has any pet peeves and he says, "People who can't be chill... EV-ER."
I don't know how either of these two idiots are awake right now, because I'm half-past dead over here.
They eat two bites of their dinners and head up to the top of the lighthouse. I also went to the top of a lighthouse when I was in New Jersey and let me tell you... 266 stairs is a shit ton of stairs.
They make it to the top and Des says, "Cool. Pretty," and then tells Brad to pack his shit and head back to his kid.
Love that she made him walk all the way up there to tell him that. I'm just imaganing if she got all the way up there and then was like, "Hold on," and she trotted back down those stairs, got the rose and then headed back up. But, that's a dream world. In this world, she just made him march up there.
This is what it looked like when I got sent down the stairs of a New Jersey lighthouse.
"I just got hit with a ton of bricks." -- Brad
Brad has no regrets.
Brad doesn't even get a mini-van. HE HAS TO GET INTO AN ATLANTIC CITY TAXI CAB. Basically, they made him walk up 266 stairs to get dumped and then told him to get into a public restroom on wheels.
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The dudes head out to meet Des at Boardwalk Hall. Des says she has something "super fun" planned for them today.
No one has ever used the phrase "super fun" more loosely than the Bachelor franchise.
Chrissy Poo gives us like, a 45-minute diatribe on the history of the building they are in and then goes on to tell the boyz that they are going to be competing in a "pageant."
If the Miss America pageant isn't on ABC in September I'll give you my right arm.
The boyz are being super silly in preparation for the PAG, especially when picking a "talent."
"It's a hodge-podge of tomfoolery." -- Drew
HOW ARE WE ALL STILL HERE? And I mean, HOW ARE ANY OF US AS THE HUMAN RACE STILL HERE?
About 30 seconds later we learn that Drew is going to recite Shakespeare as his "talent."
SO. SHAKESPEARE IS SO SAD.
Reigning Miss America, who happens to be rocking a denim onesie with a dual zipper, pulls each boy aside individually for the interview questions.
The questions, nor the answers were interesting.
That dude with the hair tells the guyz that they are also going to be competing in "swimwear."
Mikey is most upset because the swimsuit he's given is "bigger than the one I brought."
Chrissy Poo tells the boys that there's going to be an audience, specifically, a "live audience."
What other kind of audience is there? Web cast? Dead audience?
First up, the interview portion of the "competition!"
Kasey has on a sweatshirt shaped like a suit jacket.
WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY TIE THEIR TIES?
Juan Pablo has a kid?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
That poor, poor Atlantic City mayor. : (
I hope he at least turned down this "opportunity" once or twice before being convinced by his teenage daughter to just "do it, Dad!"
The "talent" portion begins.
I'm super sad for anyone out there that possesses an actual talent. And I'll go ahead and include myself in that pool.
I don't even know how to describe this. I'm not laughing. Nor am I impressed.
Brooks smashed a ukulele on stage. That was interesting.
LETZ TALK ABOUT BRYDEN.
What. What. What.
I'm assuming ole boy had about 14 dranks before going on stage and pelvic thrusting in that mayor's face for the better part of 22 seconds. Right?
You can tell Des is really loving this. I can't imagine anyone else in the world enjoying this.
I still don't understand why just two of the boyz had to swear speedos. Like, makes no sense to me.
3rd place: Brooks
2nd place: Zak
Zak is really upset. And I'm, JOIN THE CLUB. This is terrible.
It's time for the group date. Some of the guyz changed out of their $400 swim trunks, which leads me to believe they don't know they were wearing $400 swim trunks.
Chris has a little "surprise" to show Des.
"I don't want to be weird, but I do write poetry." -- Chris
Y'all, ole boy has a leather journal in a pool. Where was he keeping that thing? He's in a pool and is only wearing a swimsuit. Likkkkkkkke.
Also. Des says she writes poetry, too. And not just that, but she goes to coffee shops to write poetry!
Everyone hates Ben. They hate him so much they leave him sitting alone all the time.
The hatred continues when Ben goes in for his one-on-one time and does it in front of everyone?
The boyz confront him over his choice of location.
But, you know what they say: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We go back to the hotel for a few minutes and James is eating chocolate covered strawberries alone in a bathtub. And. I can't. I just. I won't. I can't.
Zak gets the chance to finish the rest of his song. AND. LIKE. You can't just go on national television and play "original" music. I truly believe EVERYONE IS BETTER THAN THIS.
HE HAS A LEATHER JOURNAL, TOO?!!?!?!?
Where are these guyz keeping these journals???????????
Des uses the word "amazing" twice to describe her day.
Zak gets the rose. So, like. I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE IN HUMAN BEINGS.
Bryden is really upset. And you know what? I would be, too. He is a veteran of a war and now he is in a pool in Atlantic City with 10 other guys. Like, his life can't turning out as he imagined it would.
It's time for Desiree's one-on-one with James!!!!!!!!!
What's the plan you ask? A HELICOPTER TOUR OF HURRICANE SANDY DAMAGE.
Is this a joke?
First off, they managed to work a helicopter in.
Second, WHAT IS HAPPENING?
I cannot imagine doing anything worse on a date. Especially a first date. And you're talking to (reading?) a person who went to New Orleans 4 years after Katrina hit and then came home and read like, 14 books about it. So, like. I get it.
BUT, THIS IS A DATE.
When I was in the Jerz I checked out the storm damage. You can't miss it. BUT, WOULD I EVER WANT TO GO ON A DATE AND LOOK AT DAMAGE FROM A NATURAL DISASTER? No.
And I'm not really in the business of turning down dates, okay? But, this?! Come on.
I'm just waiting on the Jersey Shore cast to show up. Actually, I'm pretty sure they just walked past the cast house. You can see the insane deck.
Des and James head over to Manny and Jan's house to check out their house.
I'm trying really hard to be sensitive right now, but where did they find Manny and Jan? That's a real question because I know where they find these other people.
They head inside Manny and Jan's house and at this point, I want them to cancel the rest of the season and GIVE US MORE MANNY AND JAN.
MANNY AND JAN 4LYFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Des and James decide to give their date for the evening to Manny and Jan.
Jason hopes they "have the time of their life," but if it's like any of the other dates on this show they won't eat and they'll just be sitting on a random couch in the middle of a random room all alone.
(Note: You'll notice I called the guy "Jason" in the above paragraph. Thatz not his name! But, I didn't change it because I want to show you how interested I am and how much I care.)
MANNY AND JAN ARE LIL CUTIES, BUT WE ARE SKIPPING IT.
(However, where'd Manny get that shirt?)
Des and James are at some dive bar eating a slice of pizza and drinking a beer. Des tells us about what makes her happy and y'all, it's not money.
"I could live on an island and be so happy." -- Des
Umm. Yeah. Most people could?
And you know how you get to live on an island?
James tells Des about how he cheated on his high school gUrlfrand during their freshman year of college.
James is 27 now? So. That was 9 years ago.
"A man can't really love until his heart's been broken." -- James
I'm still letting that resonate.
Des is really upset about this revelation from James. I understand that, but if people start basing their current opinions of me on LC at 18. Well, C YA NEVER. What a disaster!
Des and James meet up with Manny and Jan. Actually, they interrupt them!!!!!!!! Rude.
HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do we think Manny and Jan have half a clue who Darius Rucker is even?
Oh. Jan just told Manny he was, "So sexy! So sexy!"
So. There's that.
Des gives James the rose, because after you make someone tour damage from a natural disaster, you have to give them a rose.
Darius Rucker is currently experiencing success. Like, in this moment. WHY IS HE HERE?
Y'all. Manny was shaking that azz. Did you see it? DANNNNNNNNG.
They make Manny and Jan go away, BECAUSE this is television. So, they just go sit in some chairs and watch. Weirdsies.
PRE-PARTY BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Des has on a sequin dress and she looks like a casino cocktail waitress. : (
Michael pulls Des aside and hits her up with an acrostic poem.
AN ACROSTIC POEM.
(SHOUT OUT! LUCY!)
Des just keeps saying, "Oh! Thank you... thank you." But, he gets some kisses. I would never kiss a guy wearing a tie like that.
Bryden lets the boyz know that he's thinking about leaving.
Des tells Chris that she's been "fending for herself" since she was 18.
"Frandz don't kiss." -- Des
BUT. I THOUGHT EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW WAS LOOKING FOR THEIR BEST FRAND???????
Bryden pulls Des aside and tells her that this process is "difficult." Of all the words in the world, I'd say this was not the correct choice. Especially for a guy WHO HAS FOUGHT IN A WAR.
Des tells Bryden that she wants him here.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Des is super thankful for the guys being there.
I wish they'd all go home.
Bryden waits about 12 seconds to accept the rose. So. He's all talk.
FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY.
At this point, I'm convinced something is wrong with ole gUrl's brain. She just gave a rose to a guy who legitimately acts like an 8th grader. And not even a cool 8th grader. An annoying 8th grader.
"Rejection is not fun... it's a hard thing to grasp...something you think is great, is ACTUALLY, not great." -- Zack
I got lost during the rest of his speech. He talked and talked and talked and talked. Then, he cried.
So. Way to lock it up there, boy.
Desiree's vocabulary is really lacking.
She describes everything as "so fun," and "so good."
Get a thesaurus!
Des and the boyz are headed to Germany next week.
You're all in luck. I tried to teach myself German in 7th grade.
Also. I'd like to take a moment to wish a very happy burrday to this gem of a lady, Becky!
SHOUT OUT, gUrl. Shout. Out.
Becky is kind, she is smart, she is important.
She also opens up her home every week (probz against her will) for gUrls everywhere to have a safe place to watch all of this BS. We are forever grateful.