the bachelorette :: desiree : epi 1.

To quote The Backstreet Boys, "Oh my God, we're back again."
Yes, yes, we are.

The reoccurring nightmare that is the "Bachelor/ette" franchise is gracing us with its presence for the billionth time or somethingsomething.

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Have you ever seen anything as sad as that silver Honda Civic puttering its way up that Hollywood hill? I was pretty surprised (see also: relieved) that they didn't make it seem like Des was just getting off some waitress/catering job or something. Like, I fully expected her to get out of that lil' preshy Civic in black plants, a white shirt and a bow tie. That would've made this transition seem a little more life like. A real rags to riches story!

Or. What if that Civic had a Domino's thing on the top of it like she was delivering pizzas? LOLOLOLOL.

Des hasn't had "the most extravagant life." This was emphasized by showing us a picture of Des, as a small child, standing next to a water hose in a yard. Classic. Nothing says "non-extravagant" life like a kid and a water hose.

She's already crying.
She cries some more when talking about SeanBoy.
BORED.

Chris shows her around the house.

"Is that the ocean?" -- Des
UMMMMMM. For real?
You're from LA! That's obviously the ocean, gUrl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another geography buff to anchor this drama.

Then, Chris hands her the keys to a Bentley. Because that's a natural transition. Like, a 3-series BMW would be a tad more believable.

Des takes that new car down to the beach (barely! she seemed to have a bit of trouble driving that thing), where she slips on her favorite tall pink socks and bikini top paired off with some Guess jorts. Oh, is the early '90s? Guess jorts.

Legit: do they still sell those? Asking for a frand.

She's just taking a skate, a roller skate, down the beach and only stops for a moment to do some drawing and chase some birds. Is this gUrl average, at best, or what????!?!!?!?!?!?!??!

Hey, Des, what'd you do yesterday? I tried calling. 
Oh, I was roller-skating and drawing by the beach. 
Oh, yeah, of course! Classic Des. 

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Des makes it back to the house and slips into something a little more comfortable-- wedges, for her sit-down with Chrissy Poo.

We're 13 minutes in and she's said "Cinderella" 897 times already. So. We're not actually going to make it through this alive, gang.

She's into kissing and doesn't have a rulebook.
There should be a rulebook for Chrissy Poo's shirt. Woof.

"Does your fairy tale have a happy ending?" -- Chris, to Des
IS SHE A PSYCHIC CHRIS? DID SHE READ REALITY STEVE?
TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, CHRIS!!!!!!

Des slips into her adult prom dress and tells us how #blessed she is by all of this. She could end up designing her own wedding dress, y'all. And that. THAT IS THE AMERICAN DREAM.

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It's almost limo time!

Chris tells us it's going to be an "exciting journey" to find love. He also says these dudes are 25 of the "most eligible men" in America.

I'd love to hear Chrissy's definition of "exciting." It can't be the same as mine.

Less than two minutes after Chris tells us this, they take us to Missoula, Montana to meet a guy who is mostly made up of ears. EXCITING (Montana)! ELIGIBLE (see also: single and willing)!

Then, we meet a dude named Will. He's "exciting" because he's black and does yoga!
This was a fact that he shared with us, himself.
Like. That was his exciting fact. So. Yeah. Exciting!

Drew doesn't have an iPhone so he has to look at family photos the old-fashioned way. : (
EXCITING!

Chris Harrison was right.
This is exciting!

Nick R. is a "custom" clothier. So. EXCITING.
Oh. Nope, this is the exciting part. He's a "professional" magician. : (

"I will definitely use my magic skills to pursue Desiree." -- Nick
You know, that's a new one. 

Zak lives on 15 acres of land in Texas and he drinks coffee in the nude on his deck.
Y'ALL. THE EXCITEMENT IS KILLING ME.

I don't know this guy's name, but his "business" partner is wearing a letterman's jacket. : (

OH MY GOSH, THAT DOG IS MISSING AN EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: (

Mike R. is a dental student from Dallas(s). RUN, DES, RUN.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie. He's also a "painter." So. UNEMPLOYED.
He loves the lake and his grandparents.

ARE THERE ANY MEN OUT THERE THAT DON'T SOLELY OWN JUST HENLEY TEES?

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Now, it's actually limo time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desi-gUrl is getting nervous, but she's excited more than anything.

She said "fairytale" again.
We're up to 169 mentions of that word.

Two dudes, two vests. : (

Brad bought a wishbone, because thatz normal.

"I hope your wish comes true." -- Brad
I wish this would end immediately. 

Michael G. is a federal prosecutor. So, go America!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He does have on a nice suit.

Kasey "works" in social media and wants to share some hashtags with Des.
At this point, I'd love to go off on people's absolute misuse and abuse of hashtags, but another day, another blog, right?

#killmenow

This dude rolls up and is talking about Des being a goddess and he 100 percent missed his opportunity to sing the classic Mike Jones line, "Got the body of a goddessssssssss," from his hit, "In Love with a Stripper."

JonBoy from North Carolina invited Des to a fantasy suite. Des says she's not that kind of gUrl.

Zak W. gets out of the limo, shirtless. Classic move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : (
He totally gets spray tans, right?

I have to say, what a D move. BUT. Going into the house with all the other dudes and choosing to forego the shirt all night-- BOLD. I mean. Also. : ( But, BOLD.

Loyaltysomethingsomethingsomethingfatloyalty.

Larry ripped her dress. : (

Nick R. set something on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wins.

Diogo gets out of his limo wearing full-body armor and immediately says, "You look like a princess."
He should've led with, "I'm kind of an idiot."

Jon compares wearing the suit of armor to a dude getting his eyebrows waxed. I disagree.
These are two very different things.

Who would be embarrassed to walk down the street with a dude sportin' two eyebrows compared to walking down the street with a dude in a suit of armor? EXACTLY.

Cool joke about proposing/tying your shoe. LOLOLOLOLOLOL

PSYCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robert asks to take off his tie and Des immediately asks if he's taking more off. Because, you know. She's NOT that kind of gUrl.

Why can't she say Juan Pablo? Like, there are harder names to say.
He's from Venezuela, so there's no way they can do hometown dates there, because KIDNAPPING.

Brandon says he's from Minneapolis. So. TARGET. Get on that, Des!!!!!!!!!
(But, everything else says he's from California.)

What an ugly ass jacket.
"It's not cute, it's not gUrly. It's not anything." -- Classic line from Heidi, "The Hills," season 2

A small child gets out of the limo.

"Oh my gosh, are you adorable?" -- Des, to the small child

The small child reveals his name: Brody. So. Someone else has been watching "The Hills."
Ben, the boy's father, says the boy is his best friend AND partner in crime. WHAT KIND OF CRIMES ARE YOU COMMITTING WITH THIS YOUNG CHILD?????????????? : (

"I wanted you to know EXACTLY who I'm talking about when I'm talking about Brody." -- Ben
I REALLY appreciate this because I would immediately assume he's talking about his dog or obviously, Brody Jenner. I mean, who isn't talking about Brody Jenner these days? He's about to be an uncle to Kanye West's baby. He's basically the Prince Harry of America right now. 

Of course, Ben is from Dallas(s).
Run, Des, run.

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ACTUAL COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo announces, "your 25 bachelors have arrived."
Like, what do you think we've been watching, Chris?
WE KNOW!!!!!!

She can hand out roses "liberally" tonight.
This is probz the "shocking" twist the producers are talking about. They think we are so stupid. : (

She keeps calling the night a "dream" and so, I think she's insane, because this is obviously a nightmare.

Nick R. said he was going to show everyone a magic trick and when he didn't, Larry, the doctor was really disappointed. : (

"I wanted to see a magic trick." -- Larry
And then he chugged some white wine. Slow down, Larry!

"How do you plan your life?" -- Brandon, to Des
THATZ YOUR FIRST QUESTION????????
Like, bro!

Then, Brandon told some weird story about skipping his birthday party that his grandparents were throwing him. I dearly loved/love all of my grandparents, but I'd totally skip that party every. single. time. Mainly because it wouldn't be much of a "party." Most "parties" at my grandparents' house ended with me, my brother and our cousins raking leaves. : (

Ben tells Des that "two friends had a kid." Obviously, we're going to need to hear more about that.

"I grew up camping and doing stuff." -- Ben
What does "stuff" mean???????????????
"I grew up camping!" --Des
Hate to say it, but is she talking about living in a tent?.  : (

"Road trips. Love it." -- Des
She can really carry the conversation, gang. 

Ben gets the first rose of the night.

Zak, the shirtless wonk, really wanted to show Des he was "serious" about being there for her, so obviously he stripped down and jumped in the pool. I mean, I'm sold. What says love and commitment more than being a total asshole?

OH. She gave him a rose. And. Now, he feels validated, which is exactly what he should not feel.

"I have a dog. She's one of my best frandz." -- Bryden
WAH-WAH. 
: (

Bryden got a rose and I have a feeling it's because this aired on Memorial Day. I mean. JUST POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS.

So, I guess Juan Pablo is the Pele of the bachelors.
And then 25 dudes tried to play soccer.
It was all very sad.

"When do the butterflies go away?" -- Drew
What is this, Drew? National Geographic?
I think they migrate like birds!!!!!!!!!!

Larry said, "I definitely watched Sean's season" and that's just not something you ever want to hear a man say. Like, I will be more attracted to you if you tell me you've never seen this show before. I wouldn't even care if that was a lie.

Jonathan goes upstairs to set up the "fantasy suite" because he wants to "kiss Desiree on the mouth." So. He's got a plan, which is good.

His plan doesn't work. At one point, Des even looked at the camera. Like, cry for help!
She looked at the camera again.

Des is NOT into this dude, so JonBoy heads up to the "fantasy suite" alone, as he tells us how good-looking his mother thinks he is. He decides to try again and ditches his jacket this time. He says "fantasy suite" for the 87th time and Des cuts him loose right then and there. OOPSIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, like... what was actually going to happen?

Chris says the move one that proves how serious Des is and shows how she wants to be treated. I don't know, Chris. If you want to be treated like a normal human being who dates other normal human beings, you don't end up on this show.

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ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm looking for someone who can communicate." -- Des
OH. That's so fun and abnormal. No one else in the world is looking for that. 

You know that guy in the tuxedo was singing "Suit and Tie" to himself ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mikey gets the final rose and I don't know who he is!!!!!!!!!

The (almost) dentist and the real doctor were left without a rose. I got to say: bold move. You don't know shit about these dudes and you're not going to give the (almost) dentist or the real doctor a rose? Like... what. Ok, gUrl. You do you.

I guess I am comforted by this decision only because she didn't give the magician a rose either.

Larry, the doctor, gives an exit interview. He's super sad (STILL) about that terrible dance move he tried to execute with her. (He even told us he practiced it with 50 different people and only two of them had troubles with it. 50 people?!) Then, he kind of cried. : (

You know that dude is about to deplete his life savings on dance lessons now.

"I'm not just a magician, I'm somebody who cares a lot." -- The Magician
Clearly, he's been accused of "just being a magician" before. 

Diogo is regretting the decision to wear suit of armor, BUT. He still believes in love, so much so that he says, "I have like, an explosion of love and feelings here." EXPLOSION OF LOVE AND FEELINGS. Sounds like a Katy Perry song in the making to me!

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Not a lot of surprises here.

Hard to be surprised when you're BORED.

Also, hard to be surprised when the most surprising thing about this gUrl is that she drove herself up the hill to the mansion and that happened the first 30 seconds into the show.

I think I'll be surprised if she like, speaks Spanish or something one episode.

Anyway. Most bullshit next week. And the week after. And the week after that.