crimmas movie quotes: updated.

As I was driving to work this morning I think I got honked at by another driver. I say I think, because I'm not entirely sure who the honk was directed towards.

Regardless of who the honk was aimed at, the first thought that popped into my head was a quote from the Crimmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life." The quote being, "Teacher says, 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Upon this quote entering into my thought process I began to think of what this quote would look like if this movie was remade today, in 2012.

And thus, brilliance was born. Updated Crimmas movie quotes, if the movies were remade in 2012.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Original: “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Today: "Daddy, teacher says, every time someone honks at you in Crimmas traffic by the mall an angel gets its wings."

Original: "If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank."
Today: "You're killing the middle class."


HOME ALONE
Original: “KEVVVVVVVVVIIIINNNNNNNNN!"
Today: "JAXXXXXXXXXX-OOOONNNNNNN!"

Original: “Okay, this is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?”
Today: "This is like, major. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family to get an updated data plan for our iPhones?"

Original: "I made my family disappear. I made my family disappear!"
Today: "I blocked my family's status updates from appearing in my Facebook newsfeed, so it's like they disappeared."


MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET
Original: “If you're really Santa Claus, you can get it for me. And if you can't, you're only a nice man with a white beard, like mother says."
Today: "OMG. Google it. Amazon has everything."

Original: "Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed."
Today: "What does Donald Trump say? I'd like to see his birth certificate."

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION
Original: “Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"
Today: "Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed."

Original: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
Today: "Happy Holidays, kiss my ass."

Original: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "
Today: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! I need a Xanax."


A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Original: “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Today: "It gets better."


Original: “Bah humbug!"
Today: "F, you!"

Original: “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
Today: "I mean, I got mad love for Christmas! Imma respect Christmas. Mad love for Christmas, y'all."

Original: “God bless us, everyone!"
Today:"You get a car, you get a car, you get a car! Everybody. Gets. A. Car."


Mur Crimmas, internetS! May your shitter never be full!

crimmas gift guide: dos.

Omigah. Only 10 shopping days left before perpetual disappoint sets in and you walk away from Crimmas morning the proud owner of more than one flashlight and several pairs of socks. 

Let's avoid that disappoint for your family and friends with these fabulous finds. 

Book Holder
For: The Avid Reader who Can't Move His/Her Arms

Why: Because, how often are you sitting in a chair, just holding your book and suddenly, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED from all the work of sitting and holding a book? Like, all. the. time.

Cow Wind Chime
For: The Cow Lover

Why: Because, if you love cows, you want to enjoy their beauty.
Bonus: The wind chime sounds like a dream angel serenading you on your back porch while you are peacefully reading a book THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BOOK HOLDER. 

Ice Cream Cone Lamp
For: The Avid Reader with a Sweet Tooth

Why: Because, lamps are a yawn! Spice (or SWEET) it up a bit and get a lamp shaped like an ice cream cone.

 

Raptor Dog Costume
For: The Dog/Dinosaur Lover

Why: Because, what person doesn't want to own a dinosaur?
Bonus: Your dog looks like a dinosaur now.

Portable Spa
For: Everyone

Why: Because, how many times have you showed up at a friend's house hoping to just relax in the jacuzzi and you can't?
Bonus: IT'S A PORTABLE SPA, Y'ALL. 

The One-of-a-Kind Shirt
For: The Fashion-Forward Man

Why: Because, men are unique individuals, most with a style all their own.
Bonus: All shirts are a piece of art and no patterns are repeated-- you pick the patterns you want!
Double Bonus: Great for a night out on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties or any other time you want to stand out!

crimmas gift guide.

Hey, holiday shoppers! If you are reading this it means you survived Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Congratulations, I'm sure you're family is going to want you around that tree in a few weeks. Especially if you're bringing gifts and especially if you're bringing some of these great items I've picked out for you and yours!

Build Your Own KFC

For: The KFC Lover

Why: Because, typically you can only keep KFC one of two places: an actual KFC or your heart. Well, fret no more! You can now build a KFC in your own home to enjoy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

Boot Dazzles

For: The Fashionable Boot Lover

Why: Because, sometimes you buy a pair of boots and then, you think, "My boots are boring!" Not anymore! Not if you buy that someone special some boot dazzles! Dress 'em up, dress 'em down!

Foxy Sleeping T

For: The Foxiest Lady You Know

Why: Because, women always to feel foxy and want to know that you think they are foxy. What says just that better than this foxy sleeping T? Your lady is sure to look foxy as all-get-out donning it.

The Long Reach

For: The Laziest Person You Know

Why: Because, everybody poops. It's true! I had a book about it.
But, why? Because,  some people are lazy. And now, those lazy people can be even more lazy with this toilet paper reacher! You reach, you wipe, you win!

Squirrel Wall Mount

For: Everyone

Why: Because, traditional, functional decor never goes out of style and that's exactly what this is. 

style post :: my bedroom.

Before I even knew what the word style meant people were telling me I had it. I didn't believe people then and I don't believe people now (COLOR ME HUMBLE), but sometimes, possessing an elusive, subjective quality with an incredibly loose definition is something that you just cannot escape. 

So, internetS, I'm giving in. I don't like to get too personal on the internetS, because who wants to read that, but today I'm going to let you into my bedroom and give you a glimpse of my home and my stylish decor taste! 

People are always commenting on my photos and e-mailing me questions about my style and tastes. 
One of the main questions people are constantly asking me is, "What would you call your personal style?"

Where do I start?!
If I'm getting dressed, I'm always trying to look like I could attend a yacht party at a moment's notice. But, I also want to be able to walk down an alley and not get mugged for looking too refined (as if that's even possible). So, for clothing, I would say I'm a bit of an East Coast-preppy-hipster-with-a-hiking-mentality and pops of bold, bright colors and whispers of whimsy. Too easy!

As far as decorating goes, it's a little bit tougher to nail down. I want my personality to shine through and I want to pay tribute to my heritage and the things I am most passionate about. So, I guess you could call my decorating style: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern-matronly-Christian-woman. 

Now that that is out of the way, let's get to the bedroom!

The bedspread: I got this little number at a super fun, modern store called Dillard's! Sensible prices and large selections! I loved the soft beige and yellow and then just died over the pops of coral, so it was one of those must have pieces. 

The dresser: What a labor of love this item was! I got it my sophomore year in college and it was this horrifically stained piece for years until I finally got a hold of some sand paper and new drawer pulls! It took me a couple of days to sand down and re-stain, but I love how it turned out! Looks like Dolley Madison could have owned it or something! It not only serves as my dresser, but a night stand, too! [Look closely, do you see ole Abe Lincoln peeking at you?]

The book case: Can you say steal of the Century? This was the first piece of furniture I bought myself when I moved to Dallas. It's from Ikea and has served me so well! It houses all of my favorite books and a few loose items, too! See any books you might like to borrow? I've got a pretty extensive collection ranging from about 25 different collections of other people's personal essays, lots of books about Jesus and then the real gems: a book about James Garfield's assassination, three books about Franklin Pierce (14th President), more than one book about John Adams, a book exploring George Washington's complex view of Christianity, 800-pages on why Richard Nixon was the way he was and of course, a book about Martin Van Buren. MARTIN VAN BUREN. There's more, but I won't bore you with the details!

The chair: Definitely my favorite item in my room. This chair was passed down from my Grandmother Bonnie to me. It's comfortable, it swivels and it reminds me of spending lots and lots of time in her home! The back features orange crayon that has likely been there for well over 20 years! Depending on your sources you could say this is an antique piece, but for me I'll stick with vintage! Yes, that's an antique map hiding behind the chair! There's just never enough time, you know?!

The trunk: My grandfather made this for me before I was born, so again: VINTAGE. It's handcrafted with detail and love. Currently, it serves as a storage facility for blankets and junk mail. 

The globe: Now, this is one item that IS without a doubt an antique. It's pre-1960 and was quite the find! I was just rummaging through my grandmother's storage room when this globe started calling my name! I told my grandmother I was taking it and she couldn't stop me! I mean, what a deal. Right? The books featured under the globe are pretty great, too. It's a series of American history books from 1776-1968. The globe, books and photos of the Capitol Rotunda and Independence Hall really capture what I'm going for: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern. I die.

Wall Art: Remember how I said I like my decor to reflect my personality and what I am passionate about? Well, here you go! The vintage map of Arkansas represents my home, my family and my Arkansas Razorbacks. The hand-drawn individual sketches of all the presidents represent my passion for America, learning, art and fun! Sometimes I find myself just staring at both of these pieces for minutes on end.

So, there you have it! That's my bedroom. 

It's stylish, fun, comfortable (and cozy!) and very reflective of who I am. 

What do you want to see next? I know, I know-- a peek into my closet! Patience, dear ones!

school days.

In a weird twist of fate I've managed to be out of high school for 10 years. I've been out of college for 6 years. So, if you do the math, I haven't had any formal education in quite a few semesters.

But, alas school goes on without me and according to my Facebook Newsfeed every single person I know has a child going back to school this week or is a teacher going back to school. I guess as long as the teachers don't start posting their feeding and sleeping schedules we'll all be all right.

To honor the long line of teachers I come from (seriously, a shit ton of people in my family have been teachers) here are some back-to-school photos compliments of lc of lcblogs.com.

KINDERGARTEN

The Brosef got super sassy with his pose. Or. He was just showing off his really impressive dinosaur backpack. Knowing my brother it could go either way. He's very sassy and very showy. Honestly, it's likely that he was being sassy AND showing off the impressive dinosaur backpack that was probably special ordered from the back of a Highlights Magazine. He was in 3rd grade. 

When you look at the casual-cool I am exuding in this photo you would have no idea I was about to enter into my FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL EVER. I was too cool to even look at the camera, but I knew my mom wanted a smile, so I looked off to the side just a smidge and gave her one. The hands in the pockets? Clearly, I'm saying, "Screw you, kindergarten!" The bag on one shoulder? It's like I had done it all before. There's not a hint of nervousness in me, save my left foot. The slight flex of the left foot is happening to let people know, "Hey, I'm 5. Stay cool."

I have to assume I picked out my own outfit. I wanted to portray casualness, but also that an effort was made and that I was very serious about my education. If you look at my brother's outfit you can tell he was not thinking the same thing. The suspenders and loafers really put this outfit over the top. 

God love my mother for trying her damndest with me and my wardrobe growing up. 

3rd GRADE

It was at this point that I decided to just be serious about my education and to not worry at all about my attire. The floral print shirt was chosen to let everyone know that I was thinking about becoming a Democrat and the plaid messenger bag was foreshadowing to my dreams of becoming an elitist East Coast academic. 

I also wanted all the boyZ in my 3rd grade class to know that I was a lady and I was going to dress like one. The 13-inch inseam in my shorts was the perfect way to get that point across. I rarely advertise what isn't on the menu. 

The outfit was completed by matching my brown socks perfectly to my brown bow. 

I was going into the school year with a broken arm, but my still tan skin was there to let everyone know that I still swim with a broken arm, so "BACK THE F UP, 3rd GRADE."

My brosef is pictured in what would become his uniform for life: a polo shirt and khaki shorts. He opted not to smile because he was a 6th grade boy. 

the olympics: commentating.

We're going to pretend like NBC isn't running most major events on tape delay for a few moments and dive (pun intended) right into the second biggest headache of the games of 30th Olympiad: the commentators.

OY VEY.

Matt Lauer got us started off right during the Opening Ceremony when he said these two things:

"The queen, everyone knows she's got a wicked sense of humor."


"I don't know if that's cute or creepy."


SWIMMING

Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines,
making Olympic swimming almost unbearable.

What's with these guys? They stand unbelievably close together and offer almost no insight into the majority of what we see on our television screens. The only thing Rowdy ever talks about is underwater turns and strong finishes. I wish he would go under the water and stay there.

At one point, Rowdy told me to "watch the clock" during a race. Instead of the race? Or at the same time? Or what? Was the clock going to swim?


GYMNASTICS
I was never a gymnast on any level. Like, I can't even do a forward roll. And I've tried. However, I had enough friends compete to know what's going on.

The things that these people do with their bodies needs no commentary. The fact that they are flying through the air and twisting 17-26 times while wearing bedazzled eye shadow and enough hair clips to withstand Katrina speaks for itself. Just shut up and we'll watch.

But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They have to say audacious things like, "She's better than she deserves to be." I'm sorry?! How hard has this kid worked? I mean, I was a mediocre high school athlete and I worked hard to be mediocre. My parents watched thousands of dollars flow out of their bank account to support my mediocrity. And this gUrl, who is clearly more talented and more hard-working than I, is being told she doesn't deserve it? Absurd.

I just need someone to explain the damn scoring system to me at the beginning and then shut the hell up.

ARCHERY
At one point, the commentator told me that, Khatuna Lorig, competing in her 5th Olympics, never really felt comfortable with her sport until she trained the actors in "The Hunger Games" to shoot a bow and arrow.

That has to be a joke, right? If she was so ashamed, why wouldn't she just quit? I'm sure Katniss just really changed her life.

BASKETBALL
"Can we like Lebron James now?"
Yeah, don't get me started.


EQUESTRIAN
This is the event that really just sent me over my limit. Granted, I know nothing about horses, equestrians, dressage, saddles, spurs or hay-- but, these people still took it to another level of absurdity.

We aren't going to discuss this, but Adele was playing in the background of one of the rides. ADELE. Can you imagine any other sport blaring Adele while the event is happening? OH. Michael Buble just came on. This can't be real. If you can dance your first dance at a wedding to the same song you can be an Olympian to, I'm out. OUT.

Also, at no point did these people ever explain anything to me. THIS IS AMERICAN TV. Do you think we have any clue what is happening? Have you ever seen an equestrian rider on a Subway commercial? No. That's why we need some help. Just tell us what is happening.

Who's the athlete? The horse or the rider? Who gets the medal? Do they make horse medals?

"I wish he would tuck that tie in, it's so unprofessional. You'd never see an American looking like that."
Let's note that this man was commandeering a huge ass animal over obstacles when his tie slipped out of his jacket. What's more important-- his safety, the horse's safety OR his tie? Well, if you said safety, you're wrong. According to this lady his tie was most important.

Also, the Americans finished dead last in this particular competition, so who gives a rat's ass about what they look like. They probably look like losers with their ties all tucked in and a bunch of sorry scores on the scoreboard next to their names.

"French horses are so much lighter." 
Great! Horses everywhere are going to be watching their weight now just to live up to the lighter French horses. Horse anorexia: look for it to be a big issue come the 2016 election.


"That's a rail."
This was said AS THE HORSE KNOCKED A RAIL OVER. Clearly, this lady thought a blind person was watching and could only hear that a rail was knocked over, so she needed to explain it.


"She has a sister named Linda."
With a back story like that, who wouldn't want to know more? Really? Either tell me that Linda is a paraplegic because she fell off a horse and now the sister rides for both of them OR leave Linda out of it.


"That was such a beautiful end to a beautiful ride, the picture would've been even prettier if she had tied her hair back."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I get it. This is a sport where people are wearing tuxedos and top hats. You need to look your best, BUT...they are on a damn horse. You could die while doing this or at least break your neck. Are we really concerned about hair?

bachelor pad: epi 2.

I know I didn't blog about last week's epi, but I'm glad I don't have a slutty twin sister.
AM I RIGHT?


I'm going to attempt to recap this reality television disaster, but with so much happening at the exact same time that nothing is happening I can't guarantee much.


Also, this is a family-friendly blog. This show is not something you should ever mention watching to your family.

-----

We open up with Erica's celebration.
I would celebrate more if she wasn't wearing that dress. I think, technically, it's lingerie.
I think.

Rachel takes it to the street with the twins later. Then, I don't know what happened. They were just arguing and crying. Arguing and crying. Crying and arguing.

"You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried." -- Twin1
What. 


Then, they made up.

-----

Chrissy Poo is rockin' a wrinkled shirt and some sexy cargo pants.
If by 'sexy' you mean gross linen cargo pants.

IT'S COMPETITION TIME!!!!!!!

In Bachelor Pad's ode to the Olympics, we're doing some rhythmic gymnastics. You have to believe that the actual gymnastic gUrls wish they were in London at the Olympics and well, they aren't. You have to imagine that their parents are just sad. SAD. All that money and time DOWN THE DRAIN. And now here they are on national television "coaching" these always half-a-step away from being drunk people.

The Padders are split into boy and gUrl groups. It's a shit show. I can't think of any other way to describe it. JUST SAD.

Erica Rose, of course, is the worst gUrl in the group. I think she's sedated. Has to be. Right?

Donna, the fan, is just "killing" it.
But, that's according to Donna.

THIS IS REALLY STUPID.

Uh-oh! Leotards!
Or just TARDS.

PERFORMANCE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

They put the gUrls in the same outfit as the boyz.
TEEHEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

UH-OH. THE DENTIST AND JP ARE HERE TO JUDGE THE COMPETITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When is she actually going to be a dentist? GO BE A DENTIST.

The other judge is supposedly a gymnastic medalist from the US, but she looks like a Pussycat Doll. I honestly don't know if I could choose between being a Pussycat Doll and an Olympic medalist. JOKE. I'd be a medalist.

The gUrls perform and it's pretty bad.
Bad and sad.

THIS IS SO STUPID.

Next up, the boyZ.
Supposedly, the boyZ were better than the gUrls, but I was checking Twitter for Olympic updates, so I don't know if that's really true or not.

WORST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: Erica Rose : (
WORST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: Ed : (

BEST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: BLAKELY
BEST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: MICHAEL

I'm watching this and I'm like, "THIS IS YOUR REAL LIFE."

-----

Michael isn't thinking strategy at all. He is looking for a love connection.
LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE.
And. Does this mean he's on the show for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?

Erica Rose cannot handle that Donna is going on the date instead of her.
Donna is wearing a crocheted, bare mid-riff top. It's cute, if you live in a trailer park and you aren't planning on being cold throughout the evening.

Donna is workin' it.
If you like Creed cover bands. Oh, that's not a Creed cover band?
There was also a 70-year-old man in the crowd.

Again: if you, as a band, end up on this show is it the highest or lowest point of your career? I say lowest. But, I'm not a band.

OH. WE HAVE A KISS.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

Rachel says he's a phenomenal kisser.
He's not a phenomenal dresser.

-----

Somewhere else there's a burrday party going on for some gUrl. This boy throwing it is someone I have never seen on my television before. There's a lot of drama happening.

At one point this gUrl says, "I'm someone he can take home to his family." About this time, she points to herself and she's wearing lacy, fingerless gloves. Talk about irony.

-----

We get back to the group date and they are drinking, what seems to be straight whiskey.

Michael pulls Donna aside and she's brought her 8th grade notebook. She creepily drew a sketch of Michael years ago and is now showing it to him. In return, Michael makes out with her, to "fulfill a fantasy." OY VEY.

-----

Chris, wearing his token hoodie, is workin' that back and playing some GAME. He's kissing gUrls and then crawling into bed with other gUrls.

It seems like these people wear their swimsuits all day long and I just have to note: that's pretty unsanitary and can cause some pretty disastrous things. Also note: not speaking from a personal experience, but 9th grade health class.

-----

RACHEL GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----

So, I've figured out that Chris is partners with Blakeley, but he's making out with Jamie and saying he wants to be partners with her. They are BOTH wearing hoodies now. Now, they aren't wearing hoodies, but they are in the same bed. I CANNOT KEEP UP.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!! Jamie just walked up to her bunk, but she found the hoodie-less couple smooching. ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OF HER BED, NO LESS. These people have no regard for others. Lots of tears.

-----

Blakeley has to decide who to take on her date. She picks Chris, Ed and David. David starts crying when he's chosen. WEIRD.

The date consists of some Soapbox Derby racing. YAWN.

I mean, really Soapbox Derby? This is your marketing technique?

CHRIS, WHAT SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
IS THAT A FISHING SHIRT?
OR WHAT IS THAT?

There's a lot of spray paint and a lot of plotting by the pool.
These people must not have actual lives. I cannot imagine leaving my life and my job to go on this show. After taxes and splitting $250,000, that's not much money.

Ed wins the derby and he drinks out of the trophy.
Shocking.

It's after-date cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of "strategy" talk.  And lots of sad, sad behavior from these adults.

David opens up to Blakeley.
Chris opens up to Ed in the pool.

"I'd be sitting in an 8x8 storage room with you and could be happy." -- Chris to Blakeley
My main question would be: why are you in an 8x8 storage room?

David's strategy doesn't work. Chris gets the rose. NO ONE CARES.

THE OLYMPICS ARE ON. WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS?

All the BP'ers are at the pool and hooking up.
Literally, everyone is hooking up but Sarah.
She remedies that and takes Ed upstairs.
Dads everywhere cried. Like, real tears.

We hear from the Twins for the first time in a while. They both are having a mental breakdown.
It's honestly entertaining to hear the other BP'ers talk about them.

There's just a lot of crying.
Like, a lot of crying.

Eventually, they get in a van and leave.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No gUrls have to leave.

At this point, I have no idea what is happening. People are voting, people are crying, people are plotting against one another. I figured out that one gUrl is strategizing to get her own partner voted off. Like, THE OLYMPICS ARE ON.

FAST FORWARD.

Chris calls, "final rose tonight."

ED GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!
RYAN IS LEAVING BACHELOR PAD IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!

What. a. disaster.

"I'm leaving with nothing." -- Ryan
No, son. You're leaving with some pride. Get the hell out of there. 

-----

We have to do this again next week?
Kill me.