wants.

I really wish I could travel more.
I want to travel more.

I guess I don't necessarily need to travel more.

The lady in these photos used to always say, "Wish in one hand, pee in the other. See which one fills up first." You don't have to be a first grader to figure that one out.

But, I haven't tried that in quite some time, so. Why not?

Here's to wishin'!
And wantin'!

the bachelor: ben:: epi 2.

We open up this week's epi with a 24-minute recap of last week's disaster.

Ben's moving a little fast by already taking the "ladies" up to Sonoma, his hometown. He has "incredible memories" of growing up there, so it's important to share that with some total FREAKIN' strangers. Perfect.

"Is this real life?" --gUrl
No. No. No, this is a television show.

Kacie B. (GAH, there's more than one) gets the first date and she calls herself the luckiest gUrl alive, but clearly she's using that phrase loosely.

"I hope she's the appropriate woman for this date." --Ben
Too many comments.

Ben takes her on a stroll and they go work on some duets. I think before Ben works on anything he should work on his hair. That is a personal opinion. Then, they head into a toy store. I'm fairly certain the toy store stayed open just for them.

I'm so bored. This date is so boring. The highlight of Ben's night was learning that Kacie B. used to twirl a baton (she could've just said she was a majorette). He must have talked for 19 hours about living in Northern California.

The group date card comes and I can just hear that whistle blowing. The crazy train is about to roll through.

Kacie B. gets a rose and I'm surprised I saw it because my eyes were open, but I'm certain I was asleep.
Oh, I'm so glad I woke up. Shit show time! I mean, family movie time! Ben acts genuinely interested. That was sweet, I mean, if it's not creepy to watch family movies together on your first date. Which, it kind of is.

Group date time! GDT! When I look at Ben's hair I feel like I'm staring into my middle school yearbook. It's not something that works for me on any level. Minus the level of me that is still stuck in middle school. Which, isn't an actual level. I am just wondering if he washes it often.

Ben hired the best playwrights in all the land to write a play for the ladies! Twist! They are small children! A plethora of ethnicities and socioeconomic statuses! Way to go, ABC!

The kiddies were obviously instructed to make the gUrls do stupid things and look SILLY!!!!!!!!!!! Success! The gUrls looked so, so silly!!!!!!!!!!

"How about a sexy dance." -- Small child
"Oh, that's sexy." -- Other small child
That's just weird.

Of course they made cleavage gUrl jog in slow motion. Those ABC Producers are too good! They can get different demographics to tune in no matter what!

The model and the horse gUrl are having a really weird talk. Scratch that, the model is having a weird talk. She's got darkness inside of her. Just watch.

The group daters (who should probably be in group therapy instead of dating) start rehearsing their play. The costumes were pretty entertaining. We head on over to the community theater and Ben's closest friends (and some other people that were paid to be there) are in the audience! So much to be nervous about!

Official review: "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" is the worst play ever. But, just you watch-- someone will produce this bullshit soon. I guarantee it.

That tree is awesome.

Children wrote this?! Ben takes his clothes off, the gUrls had to do a sexy dance. I HATE HUMANS. Why do this to small children?

"This is the first time I've ever been attracted to a sheep." --Jacyln
Prayerfully, it'll be your last.

Everyone thinks watching Ben with kids is eye-opening. I don't agree. I mean, yeah, if he punched a kid or cussed one out, that'd be like, "Hey! That's not fun, we shouldn't get married!" But, who's an asshole to kids while being forced to be nice to kids on a television show? No one. Most of the time, anyway.

Play over. Pool and dranky-drink time!
Those two gUrls take Ben away to kiss him on the cheek. YAWN.

Blakely isn't going to hold back and she's going after what she wants. All of the other "ladies" are mad at her, but clearly they are forgetting that BLAKELY IS A 34-YEAR-OLD COCKTAIL WAITRESS. She needs to go after it! I don't blame her.

"Where does this style come from?" --Ben, to Blakely
Ben, really? 'Slutty' isn't a style. It's a lifestyle.

Oh, we've got drama in the public restroom! Can you imagine the germs on that blanket that one gUrl wore into that bathroom. I am puking just thinking about it. I hope they burned it afterwards. That's not safe.

Oh. My. Gosh.
The Model just quoted Charlie Sheen.
And then she got the one-on-one date.
And then she started talking trash to every other gUrl in the room.

"I thought she was a real person." -- Erika
Yeah...about that.

It's pool party time back at GDT.

The Ginger Accountant takes Ben away for some hot tub time and of course, gets a kiss. Shocker! I'm sure it was the acoustics in the room, but it seemed like the kisses were incredibly loud. Slight gag. 


"Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate." --Blakely
The fact that she even knows what her sign is proves that she's crazy.

Blakely gets Ben alone and they kiss. Shocker. YAWN.
Jennifer, the Ginger Accountant, was beyond upset. She cried.
HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE.

Ben told the ladies he was proud of them and that was weird, because I've been super embarrassed for the last hour for everyone on this show.

Blakely gets the rose.
And I'm sure it has nothing to do without the amount of booze anyone has had to drink tonight.

Now, the Accountant feels used and sad and like she'll never fall in love.
More tears and a sad speech about falling in love and something about finding out who she is or something. Go to church, gUrl.

To me, the worst thing about Blakely at the moment are her earrings. Real talk.

Ben and The Model head off into Wine Country so Ben can see if she can handle the small town. Naturally, they just go out into some woods, because that's what small town living is-- WOODS.

"It feels like a Saturday." --Ben
Well, Ben, was it a Saturday?


"My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard." --The Model
Her face didn't move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"I was just doing me for a while." --The Model
Ben, run! Run! For real! Anyone who uses that phrase during Real Talk is not an "appropriate woman" for anybody on Earth. This is your warning.

Could she speak in cliches a little more, please? My gosh. It's like she doesn't know any phrases other than ones she's heard on this show before.

Dinner time! And again-- I don't think she knows words.

"I meet people, I'm just not interested in them." --The Model
Because you're terrible and selfish and say stuff like, "I've been doing me."

Why did I not start counting the cliches at the beginning of their date?

What is Ben wearing? That's so many layers and they are not working together. Four layers. He's wearing four layers and The Model has on a beach cover up and what looks to be a cami under the beach cover up.

The cliches wore off on Ben, "Courtney does make me think 'big-picture.'"

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horse gUrl steals some time with Ben and he tells her that she made such a good first impression on him that he didn't need to take her on a date this week. BURN! Then, they just discuss trucks and fields. I mean, I'm not the most experienced dater, but I'm pretty sure I've never talked about TRUCKS on any date ever.

Blakely lets everyone in on her secret to getting the rose on the group date. She has on earrings that have to weigh 10 to 12 pounds a piece and then, she took those earrings into the middle of Samantha's drama fest with Ben. Sammy is PIST.

Same story, different verse.
YAWN.

"It's like a war out there." --The Model
Yes, Courtney, I'm sure my grandfather who fought on the front lines of World War II in the Pacific would totally agree!

The Blogger gets some face time with Ben and she really takes it to a whole new level by saying, "I feel like a guy." Hey, Blogger! this is not some sick TLC show about transgenders. This is a family show. You can't talk about shit like that to him.

"I don't want horse face in my face." --Jaclyn, about Blakely
That's not going to work for me. Lindzi is horse gUrl, Jackie!

Ben is finally picking up on the reoccurring them in the house: CRAZY.

Ben goes to find Blakely and she's sitting in a corner alone and crying. Red flag. 

What is Ben thinking at this point? He has to be thinking, "THERE'S NOT ENOUGH WINE IN THE WORLD TO GET ME THROUGH THIS." Right? I mean, there's not enough wine in the world to get me through this and I'm just watching it months later.

Chrissy Poo Harrison comes to Ben's rescue! However, at this point, I think the only person who can save Ben, is Ben. SAVE YOURSELF, BEN!

OH.
SNAP.

Sheryl's granddaughter gets the final rose!

The Blogger is in shock as she gives her final interview. Honey, it's not shocking. You told him you felt like a guy. And now look at you.

"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I'm mortified." --The Blogger
Just wait until you watch this later, you'll really be mortified and probably short a few friends. Also, your dad is probably going to be pretty disappointed. Maybe even your mom, too. Just a heads up, gUrl!


"I think I deserve love. I'm always trying to find it." --The Blogger
Look harder?

Ben gives the gUrls another surprise-- the gang's headed to San Fran!

And then, I changed the channel.

2011 year in review.

January.
February.
March.
April.
May.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
December.

Pretty much the same for centuries now.

the bachelor: ben. epi 1.

I live a life of few regrets. 

One of the few regrets I do have though happens to be writing a recap of this stupid, stupid show many years ago. I can't get past it. People don't believe me when I tell them that I don't enjoy this, but real talk, y'all: this is torture for me. 

You know what's real torture? A sad ass David Gray love song combined with Benji's terrible hair cut and you've got Dick Cheney and water-boarding comparisons at every turn. 

Ben's had time to reflect on all that happened last season!

Science!!!

He's ready for love and I assure you: he's looking in all the wrong places. 

Lindzi spells her name with a 'z' and she loves horses. 

NEXT.

Amber wants Ben to eat cow balls. 

NEXT.

Lyndsie spells her name like a stripper that used to be a hooker.

NEXT.

Jenna blogs while drinking wine. 

NEXT.

Shawn is a boy's name and she has a kid.

NEXT.

Oh, finally. Nicki gets to sit on the couch and stare at a photo. 

NEXT.

"No expectations." --Benji

That's probably good. I also have low expectations. Same thing, right?

Ben and Chris are dressed almost identically and it's cute in the same way that's it not cute at all. 

The women start arriving and Benji looks bored almost. Though his face does get inquisitive when the law student gets out of the car in a dress that she clearly stole from "Dancing With the Stars" wardrobe's department. 

"I love Canada." --Ben

BORED.

Jenna (henceforth known as The Blogger) freaked her own freak when she misquoted Ben during her introduction. I'm with you, gUrl, you screwed up. Your dress selection could also be put on your screw up list. 

I fast forwarded through the rest of the intros... until SHERYL. What a cutie! And nice move on letting her introduce you, granddaughter Brittney. Kind of weird and creepy, especially because grandma was on crutches and stuff. But, yeah. Totally cool. I'd also be willing to bet a large sum of money that SHERYL probably forwards e-mails to a lot of those gUrls now. Am I right? I'm right.

That gUrl from Oklahoma came out spouting numbers and I straight up fell asleep around the time she said she had never been arrested. I was jilted out of sleep by the Londonite's booming voice. Then, that one gUrl just walked right past him. I thought that was pretty awesome.

Want to see crazy? Check out the gUrl who talked about her dog within 2 seconds of exiting the limo. Oh, check that-- a gUrl just rode in on a horse. And now I'm dreaming of her getting kicked off and Benji saying, "...and the horse you rode in on!"

Chrissy-poo Harrison tells him the house is his and the cocktail party is officially underway. I couldn't be less thrilled.

"I'm kind of that small-town gUrl...I live in New York City." --Rachel
By the end of their conversation I've decided that she's either drunk or has a head injury that we were not told about. I didn't think the words were ever going to get out of her mouth. She. talked. so. slow.


"Is that a big part of your life-- the horse thing?" --Ben, to Lindzi

If that's ever a question you have to ask on a date, you should get off of that date. Immediately.

Listening to Sheryl talk to Ben, I'm imagining my grandmother on this show and I start to think, "now, that's a show I would watch!" Y'all, everyone should have to bring one family member to the first show every season. Get the crazy out there right away. Boom. Bam. Zing!

How did Ben not ask what was up with the crutches?

"This is going to be ridiculous." --Ben
Foreshadow much? Call it a wash now, Ben!
Run.

There's a 34-year-old VIP cocktail waitress on here?
This can't be the way she thought her life would go.
Right?

"It was hard to talk to him while he was blindfolded and eating candy out of a garbage sack." --gUrl
To be fair, I don't think it was a garbage sack.


"I work really hard." --the Model
Listen, I don't know if that's true or not, but I'd be willing to stand in front of a camera for a few hours and let her send some e-mails at my job one day to find out.

Some gUrl says she isn't attracted to Ben and the Blogger got her claws out. She was really insulted and wanted the other gUrl to leave. Monica retreats to the VIP cocktail waitress for comfort. She's not distracted at all by the dead birds hanging from her ears.

At this point, shit started getting really weird. I don't know how to describe it other than: one gUrl got drunk and started hitting on another gUrl. This is a family blog, we have to leave it at that.

"I don't want to be drama." --Blogger
I mean, you call yourself a blogger and you're on reality TV. You may not want to be 'drama' but, it looks like you are.

The Blogger is a little emotional and the confrontation between her and Monica was quite comical. She was so upset and hurt and then basically just told her to not make fun of her and then offered to share a tampon with her.

I can't be certain, but I think I read somewhere once that extending a tampon to another woman is the feminine version of extending an olive branch.

Benji walks up on the Blogger shedding some tears and then Blogger goes on some drunk tyrade about being nervous and at this point, I really think Benji wants out. You can just tell he's not cut out for this. I think someone is going to end up murdering him before this season is over. He's too timid for this crazy train. BEN, GET OFF THE TRACKS. CRAZY TRAIN COMING THROUGH.

Blogger is in the bathroom just dropping bombs.

The horse lover/rider got the first impression rose.
Yawn.

Has Chris Harrison's voice gotten deeper? It sounds different. Maybe he just has a cold or something. I always sound manly when I have a cold.

The Blogger comes back and you can just hear that train whistle blowing.

Ben's rose ceremony speech was pre-rehearsed and terrible.

"Obviously, this is going to be emotional...we've already had a little bit of that tonight...that's what I'm looking for..." --Ben
You are looking for a shit show, Ben? Really? That is what you're looking for? Well, Eureka! Gold mine. 

I'd like to meet these gUrls' parents. They need a lesson in name spelling.

When ole Granddaughter got a rose people were PIST (2929 SHOUT OUT). They were all like, "WHERE'S GRANDMA?!"

In all of my years of living, I don't think I've ever seen so many terrible earrings together in one room. Just poor selection, after poor selection. And yes, this is coming from a gUrl who basically wears one pair of earrings to every single occasion there is, but I own other pairs. And none of them are ugly.

Monica and the Blogger get a rose.
SHOCK. and. AWE.
Shock and awe.

Clearly, the Producers of this show are just brilliant, brilliant people. Where do they continue to find these people and convince millions of others that watching this is appropriate behavior?

"I feel like such a loser. Such an absolute failure." --English Accent gUrl
No! No! You aren't a loser. I mean, daddy issues aside, I'm sure you're great. And cool. Don't believe the lies, gUrl! You just got the best present of your life by not getting a rose!

One time, I just wish one of these gUrls would not get a rose and look into the camera and say, "YOUR LOSS, BUDDY!" and just move on. Have a little bit of pride in yourselves, people.

I guess at this point, I'm in. As usual. And I'm so mad at myself.

Bring on the helicopters, gang!

happy holiday.

This morning, I ventured over to a little donut shop near my apartment. It was appropriately called "Donuts." Upon receiving my donuts and paying, the woman behind the counter looked at me with a huge smile and said, "Happy holiday!" 

I walked out and said, "You, too!"

Seems simple enough, but really it's the most complicated conversation I've had in weeks. 

What holiday was supposed to be happy and what holiday was left out? She just said holiday. 

I take great offense to people who worm their way out of wishing others a "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" by saying "Happy Holidays!" Contrary to popular belief it's not an all-encompassing salutation. It's confusing and vague. 

I've never been to a "holiday" party where all holidays were given attention. But, I've been to several Christmas parties or New Year's parties. If I was Jewish I'd probably go to a lot of Hanukkah events. I wouldn't be offended by an invitation to have a "Happy Hanukkah," I'd just try really hard to have a very happy Hanukkah even though I have no idea how to go about that.

I often wonder if people are offended when I tell them to have a great Flag Day or a wonderful St. Patrick's Day?

What if people started saying "Happy Holidays" on MLK Day, which is also typically on or around Robert E. Lee's birthday? Now, that's offensive, people. 

Maybe we should never wish a happy holiday of any sort on anyone ever again. That. OR, change the meaning of "Happy Holidays" to legitimately mean "Happy holiday ever celebrated ever, religious or otherwise." If religious, throw in an "amen" at the end and you are truly covered. 

Holiday greetings that could be offensive to you and yours:

"Happy Stephen Foster Memorial Day!"

Don't even!

"Have a good Arbor Day!"

Do you even know what a tree did to me once?

"Hope your Groundhog's Day  is full of groundhogs!"

Screw you!

"Please celebrate Mardi Gras responsibly!"

Are you kidding? Responsibly?!

"Happy Mother's Day!"

Are you sick? I'm not even a mom!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, internetS.

Cowling Family Christmas 1999
Very offensive, indeed. 

joseph didn't know.

There are few things in the world as interesting as the birth of Jesus Christ. 
If you've ever stopped by this web log before, you know how I feel about this.
I write about it all the time. 
Last year, the year before, and the year before that.


It's my hope and prayer this topic never becomes mundane and never gets lost under the tree. That it will never get stuck in the chimney and it will always, always serve as a reminder of the hope and the joy that came...

Christmas comes each time this year. 

And each time this year Mary, the mother of our Lord Jesus Christ, gets some serious attention from the public. This attention is not without warrant. All good mothers need their proper props. Mary is no different. 

However, where’s the love for Joseph in all of this? Trust me, I know he had ZERO percent involvement in the birth of lil’ baby Jesus, but there’s not a song out there called, “Joseph, Did You Know?” My guess is that Joseph had even less of an idea about things than Mary did!

Let’s break it down.

Here’s this dude, just a regular ole dude “pledged” to marry a gUrl, I’m assuming, he barely knows.  One night an angel rolls in and is all, “Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Go ahead and take Mary home as your wife. For real. NBD. It sounds crazy, but the Lord’s got it figured out.”

 One Gospel tells us that Joseph considering quietly divorcing Mary. 

Another barely mentions Joseph.

My brosef and his wife just had a baby a few months ago. On more than one occasion he expressed excitement and joy over the birth of his son, but he was also scared—like most dads. Dads want to provide. Dads want to protect. Dads want to know the child is their child! Surely Joseph felt all of these emotions and more. 

Surely Joseph sat down Mary at one point and said, “Real talk, who’s baby is this?”

Or maybe I’m wrong. 

Maybe Joseph was more than just a regular dude. Maybe Joseph was chosen in conjunction with Mary— as a team. Maybe the Lord knew that the two of them together could handle this. 

I mean, I don’t know! Just like Mary didn’t know. And Joseph sure as hell didn’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter. They had faith. They trusted the Lord and they did what they were told. 

And it turns out, the Lord was right.

He did have things under control. 

He had a plan— a plan to bring one child into the world to save everyone. 

Even Joseph.

Who totally didn’t know. 

holiday gift guide 7.

InternetS! According to my calculations (which could be off) Christmas is just 9 days away! Be a thoughtful gift giver. Here's some help.

Adult Bib

For: The Messy Eater That You Love

Why: Because sometimes the people we love are silly, messy eaters! And sometimes it's sad to wear a food-stained shirt out on the town. 

Bonus: More free time, less money spent on Tide pens. 

Dog DNA Test Kit

For: The Dog Lover/ Wannabe Scientist

Why: Because not everyone can afford fancy schmancy dogs!

Bonus: You can really get to know your dog by knowing its roots and family origins. This kit will take the relationship between you and your dog to the next level. 

Dolphin Lamp

For: The gUrl (or Boy) Who Always Wanted to be a Marine Biologist

Why: You need light to read about dolphins, silly!

Bonus: The lampshade also has a lovely dolphin scene on it. 

Sumo Wrestler End Table

For: The Interior Decorating Enthusiast

Why: Because even interior decorators like surprises!

Bonus: This table to sure to hold all of necessities! No more worrying about a certain lamp being too heavy for a flimsy ole run of the mill end table! I mean, it's a sumo wrestler!

Terry Cloth Toilet Seat Cover

For: The Person Who Complains About Cold Toilet Seats

Why: Because sometimes you just want to wake up and go to the bathroom without feeling like the toilet has been sitting in the Alaskan wilderness all night!

Bonus: Comes in blue, green or pink, so it can definitely be matched to your bathroom decor!

Mouthwash Decanter

For: The Person You Love with Bad Breath

Why: Because when you're trying to keep it real and keep up with the Joneses, you can't have a Scope bottle sitting around. 

Bonus: Elegant alternative to a plastic bottle.
Double Bonus: FRESH FREAKIN' BREATH.