vogue, vogue, vogue.

At 26, I've learned that there are things that I am and there are things that I am not. For example: I am a girl. I am not a boy. I am a Razorback fan. I am not an LSU fan. I am completely comfortable with who the Lord has made me to be. I am not a fashionista with a flare for accessories.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, lately, I've been getting a few questions regarding fashion advice. Now, I'm no expert (as stated above), but because this blog solely exists to serve the greater good of the InternetS I will oblige and answer the questions.

How much leopard is too much leopard?

What a great a question! I'm a believer that any animal print is too much animal print, BUT...if you have to wear it, the less is more approach is your best bet. I mean, are you trying to dress like a leopard or cheetah or zebra? No. So, I'd say that only one item of clothing per outfit can be of the animal print persuasion. I'd suggest that the item NOT be a pair of pants.

What should I wear to an upcoming wedding?

That's such a broad question. I mean, I don't know your life. But, I can tell you this: you should not wear anything that you would wear to a Halloween party or anything that you would wear to a beach. Do not wear anything revealing too much skin. Also, don't wear white. Even if the bride is the biggest skeeze in the world and she shouldn't be wearing white, you still need to respect the rules.

I always feel like I look like I'm trying too hard. How can I avoid this?

I get it, I really do. I get that everyone in the world, typically, wants to look like a) they have more money than they actually do or b) they don’t care about what they look like. These things are tricky, because more often than not they back fire. For instance, wearing a shirt with “Old Navy” across the front doesn’t say, I can afford to shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart, it says you bought your shirt at Old Navy. If you show up somewhere with a designer draped across your chest, it is not a bold proclamation of wealth and accumulation, it’s a bold proclamation that you shopped around in a bargain bin. People are much more impressed with cheap clothes that look expensive than expensive clothes. Why you ask? Because if you can find affordable clothes that look designer you can still afford your bar tab and the lease on your 3-series BMW. So, all of that being said, to avoid looking like you're trying too hard maybe just don't try?

Other items of note:

• If you're going to church or work or even Target, you shouldn't look like you're going to the club or Vegas. Why the rhinestones? Why. the. rhinestones.
• If you’re wearing a small child’s weight in accessories try the less is more approach to life. You aren’t being eclectic by wearing 15 bracelets and nine necklaces; you’re weighing yourself down and making a lot of noise in the process.
• If you're a boy, wear jeans made for a boy.
• Wear clothes that fit. Are you wearing a tube top and have more than just your arms hanging loosely? You should probably change. Are your pants so tight that upon sight people are reminded of the camel they recently saw at the zoo?

let's talk about it.

You know what? For years I've been oblivious to the fact that as a child and tween, I dressed terribly. And when I say terribly, I mean, recently I've seen homeless people dressed better. The guy rolling his electric scooter down the one-way street the wrong way at lunch the other day at least had on a suit.

I've also come to the conclusion that really, not much has changed. Less than a month ago I saw a homeless guy in downtown Dallas dressed identically to me. Identical twins, y'all.

Basically, the only thing I have going for me at this point is that I would never, ever match an Oakland A's hat with a two-piece Crimmas sweatsuit ensemble. I'd go for a Rangers hat or something.

flag day.

There are a few days I look forward to on the ole calendar each year: Easter, President's Day, December 25th, opening day of college football season and of course, JUNE 14th: FLAG DAY.

Flag Day? Yes, Flag Day.

In 1777 the Second Continental Congress adopted the flag of the United States and so it was.

Is there a greater holiday on the calendar? Arguably, yes. But, to some this is it. This is the one.

I hope today you'll celebrate and celebrate well. Take out your flag, large or small, and wave it proudly.

This is America damn it. There may be oil in our gulf, idiots in office and uncertainty in the future of our banking system, but shit-- this is the greatest county in the world.

This is America.

Bless it.

the hills: so boring they brought JB back.

"We're friends." --Brody

I'm so glad I'm not friends with any of these people.

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StacietheBartender meets up with K-Cav for a doggie play date. Of course, they dish on boys, friends with benefits and flirting.

They literally said, "Let's go out and flirt." So, they do...

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LoLo, has on some really tight jeans, as she walks in to meet up with her Kappa sister, McKaela. How did this meet up even happen? Oh, wait. I know-- it was forced!

"I would recommend being nice to Kristen. It's sort of a tough crowd." --LoLo

Does tough mean generally very rude and not friendly?

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"We're on the prowl tonight." --StacietheBartender

K-Cav and Stace head over to Venice and some guy in plaid asks where they are from and then screams, "Colorado?"

They are having a difficult time picking up guys, but I figure that'll happen if you go out to a random ass bar at like, 8pm on a Tuesday. Not everybody is an alcoholic with a television show to film, K-Cav.

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The Brody and McKaela are on a date. It's at a restaurant. A RESTAURANT. They even have plates! But, there's no food.

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StephiePratt and Auds are on a mission to find a handbag. Auds reveals that RyanCab was living with her for a while. WHAT. She also reveals that it was a little too much. Duh. That hair, 24/7?

Auds says she has to work this week. But, then she invites Stephie to tag along. Sounds like a job to me.

"I think I'm going to get this because it'll look good with a spray tan." --StephiePratt

Well, of course.

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Here comes McKaela with a resume! LoLo shows her around the studio and they both are dressed kind of like they are actually working.

This interview is really lame. The guy asks her literally, 4 questions and says, "Perfect. See you at 9am tomorrow." I mean...I know she's a pretty girl and not fat and supposedly has a college degree, but is it really that easy to get a job? In this economy? WTF.

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K-Cav is doing some reps at the gym, Richard Simmons style. It's totally obvious that John is not an actual trainer. He's a big guy. I bet MTV paid him 30 bones because he was available at 2pm on a Tuesday.

StacietheBartender, who apparently carries a shovel around in her purse, comes to the gym to once again, DIG UP THE PAST. Let's talk about the past, Bartender, didn't you try to hook up with SpencerBoy?

"It's sad that you guys are friends and he's taking this girl that he barely knows over you. It's just rude." --StacietheBartender

But, actually, that is kind of what happens...

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AP, LoLo and StephiePratt are at AP's job in their rocker clothes to check out Purple Melon, the band, not the fruit.

They are terrible.

Out of nowhere, AP says she needs to leave because lo and behold, JUSTINBOBBY is on the stage!

"Justin's band is up there." --AP

"Wait. What? Justin's in a band?" --StephiePratt

"I thought that was always a joke." --LoLo

"Like a muppet." --LoLo

This was one of the greatest scenes ever on television. I think LoLo and StephiePratt were genuinely surprised by the fact that JB is in a band and they really didn't know. What doesn't this guy do? I mean, he does hair and make-up, rides motorcycles, cooks, wears boots on the beach and now, we learn he's a drummer. This is what you call a modern renaissance man.

JB takes off all of his clothes and eventually, after the drinks kick in, AP is having a great time, clapping along and forgetting about her JoeSimpson knock-off of a boyfriend.

AP wants to say hi to JB and JB thinks she came to just see him and then, much like a meth addict, he spits out like 17 questions at her. She says, "So many questions," and switches the subject to his hair. Good move. Don't talk about anything that matters, AP.

"I can't believe he's in a real band." --StephiePratt

As opposed to all the fake bands out there.

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RyanCabbiePatch shows AP around his house and I wonder how he can afford this house when he hasn't had an album out in years, much less a song on the radio. Does he still have a record deal? I'm going to get a record deal and buy a house.

AP starts getting weird and she knows she needs to tell the CabbagePatchDoll about JB. But, duh, she doesn't.

"I leave Thursday for like, 4 shows." --Ryan

"Maybe thats a good thing." --AP

I doubt that was the response he was looking for.

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Look! LoLo is at work and the new intern, McKaela, is there, too! LoLo wonders if Brody has feelings for other people.

"Be observant." --LoLo

I feel like, typically, when you're warning someone about a relationship, you tell them to be careful or something, but rarely, if ever do you tell them to be observant.

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The girlies are going out on the town. StephiePratt and K-Cav are hanging out together like K-Cav has totally forgotten that StephiePratt told her legs were tiny or something! How do you just forget something like that, K-Cav?

Stacie states for the 19th time this episode that she and K-Cav are on a man hunt. We get it.

Brody and TayTay show up and tell the girlies they are just raging. What the hell does that even mean? Clearly, he and I have different definitions of the word "rage."

Brody finally, after a few minutes of being pushed into it, apologizes to K-Cav for starting to date someone while he was banging her on the side. Stand up move, Bro.

JB walks in looking homeless.

"I don't think Spike's going to like this." --JB

I can only assume he's talking about Ryan and now, that is the best nickname for anyone ever.

AP is obviously nervous around JB and he's really trying to have a conversation, but she's making it difficult.

"Don't tell anybody."--JB

Well, she won't have to tell anybody, not only was a television show filming her hanging out with JB, but a whole bar saw it and commented on it.

Brody and K-Cav leave together. BECAUSE THEY ARE FRIENDS.

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Alright, seriously...this show is boring. I've been getting a lot of flack for blogging about it and it's getting harder and harder to defend it when nothing is evening happening on it. If the Pratties aren't back next week, there might not be a re-cap. Relax, I said might.

throw ya hands up at me.

I've commented on the wisdom of Destiny's Child way more than once. To say Beyonce is a lyrical genius is selling her short, but she is.

Growing up, my father, the Reg, raised me much like he raised my brother. There were times when that was completely frustrating and I suffered more than one haircut fiasco because I was such a tomboy, but really-- things turned out for the better. The Reg raised me to be independent, to make my own decisions and to stand my ground when I was getting my oil changed and the mechanics wanted to do some "extras" for me.

I remember the first time he sent me to get my oil changed. I was probably 17. Before I left he gave me a very, very specific list of don'ts. The number one don't, you ask? Never, ever let them mess with your air filters.

Beyonce sings, "I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings..." It's probably always in the back of her head, just like, "Do not touch my air filters" is always in the back of mine. Anytime I'm feeling like an idiot female or discouraged, I just think..."Lauren, you can get your oil changed without getting duped. You are a strong, independent woman." And then, I'm fine.

I'm so very thankful for the Reg who threw me to the wolves early and often. It's made me more and more like Beyonce everyday.

the hills: just friends.

Bro-Bro and K-Cav are enjoying, what's probably a Tuesday, with Jager bombs. Which, you would think after Bro-Bro's last gUrlie he'd stay away from that. I mean, do we not remeber Jay-de drinking Jager straight out the bottle at a party Bromance had?

Apparently Bro-Bro and K-Cav aren't dating, but they are dating...others.

Bro-Bro is still enjoying being single. As many times as he's said that, I'm even starting to believe him.

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We meet up with AuddiePat and Joe Simpson's failed project. In a weird twist, Ryan says, "well, thanks for lunch, baby. " like AuddiePat cooked/fixed lunch for him It's a big, strange world, my friends.

They discuss AP wanting to hang out with her "friends" and Ryan at the same time. It turns into CabbiePatch saying he's going to read "Catcher in the Rye" in a candy thong. What's a candy thong and how does he know about that book?

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StephiePratt and LoLo are strolling through LA. Stephie is ready for a man. After all, she's sober now. She claims to have let go of the Heidi and Spencer "baggage." But...this is MTV...yeah, right and who lets go of baggage that quickly...especially when you're a "recovering" alcoholic and it's your family? Her therapist must be on call 24/7.

"What'd you do today?" --LoLo

"Oh, I had an AA meeting." --StephiePratt

She always says shit like that so calmly, which both alarms me and makes me happy for her. I mean, she's not ashamed of it, but also...kind of a big deal to be in AA, not something you should just be glossing over all the damn time.

LoLo and "Scott" are setting StephiePratt up on a date, but she's super nervie that the guy might be worried about her being sober. I feel that, sister. But, I'm not sober. So, I don't.

"In a normal world, I should've just started drinking two years ago." --StephiePratt

Yeah, well this isn't a normal world and I'm sure you were 21 when you started drinking. Sure.

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The besties, K-Cav and Auds are bestie-ing it up by eating popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. At one point, I think I saw someone actaully put a handful of food into their mouth. But, I watched the scene again and realized that it didn't happen.

AuddiePat encourages K-Cav to not get attached to Bromance Brody, she claims she isn't, but immediately picks up the phone to call him...and of course....he's schmoozin' some other lady (note: the word lady is being used loosely here).

Basically, K-Cav is upset that she's losing her benefits of being the King's friend.

The date between Brody and McKhaela (how the hell does she spell her name?) was painful.

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CharlieBra and Bromance are puttin' around the golf course. CAN THESE PEOPLE AT LEAST ACT LIKE THEY MIGHT HAVE JOBS AND BE REGULAR ADULTS IN THE WORLD?

CharlieBra thinks Brody should be cautious about bringing McKhaela around the flock of wild animals.

"She got all quiet and weird. Like a chick." --Brody, about K-Cav's reaction to his new gUrlie

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StephiePratt and AuddiePat are just playing hangies.

Somehow, in the middle of a conversation about hanging out with their "friends" and RyanCabbagePatch StephiePratt makes the conversation about her date with MaxiPad. It was a really interesting spin on her part. I couldn't believe how smooth she made it seem. She clearly thought the conversation was about her the whole time. God forbid someone else share details about their life, StephiePratt.

She seems most excited about her date based on the simple fact that he has a car. Valid. I'm thinking she's excited about that because of her whole DUI thing and now, she won't have to worry about driving drunk, MaxiPad can do it.

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We go to Jane's House and McKhaela mets the gUrlies. It's a big shit fest of love and StacietheBartender is even there! Basically, it was a waste of production money to even film this idiotic group gathering.

Brody created drama. K-Cav got bitchy.

Bromance and McKhaela left early.

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In a new move from the show, we meet up with K-Cav and StacietheBartender the "next morning" de-briefing about all the previous evening's happenings. K-Cav refuses to call McKhaela by her name and refers to her simply as, "that girl."

In a twist, StacietheBartender tells K-Cav, "I told you so."

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StephiePratt and LoLo are going on a date. Question: When did LoLo get a boyfriend? Why didn't we know this and why have we never seen him? Seems mighty convenient, Hills Producers. Might convenient.

"What color shoes are these, just black?" --LoLo about an obviously black pair of shoes

StephiePratt doesn't want to wear the hot shoes because she doesn't want MaxiPad to think she's all slutty and stuff, remember: she's also got to tell him that, at the young age of 23, she's a recovering alcoholic and has baggage in the form of a crazy-ass-brother (CAB) who carries trunks of crystals around in his car.

We learn that MaxiPad is a model, but he's young! He's only 24! No! But, they are making it seem like he has a job. Win. Win. Win.

MaxiPad asks StephiePratt for her number. It was kind of awkward and cute, but that could've been because he was forced to ask her for it. Or because he actually did it on his own and he was really nervous. Toss-up.

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K-Cav and Brody meet up at his bachelor pad and K-Cav, AGAIN, refuses to hug Brody. So, basically, she'll hit it with this guy, who she isn't dating, but she won't freely give him hugs. Bold.

"I said hello to her!" --K-Cav

"You said hello and then you sat down with the wolfpack and ksdjfhkhfgkgfhgkhkdfgsh!" --Brody

K-Cav bares her soul to Bromance and tells him he needs to get his shit together and not be all over other girls in front of her. Then, she says they are friends. Then, she tells him to shut up like four times and she gets up and leaves. She really got her point across. I mean, what was her point? She was giving it up and now she's disappointed that he's no longer interested in taking it?

These people are so all over the place.

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This epi was super lame and boring because The Pratties were not involved at all. We only got a brief mention of them! I'm guessing this is because the gUrlies decided to "cut them out of their lives forever." But...when has that actually ever happened on this show? I mean, not too long ago K-Cav and AuddiePat were physically fighting each other over JustinBobby and now they are daytime hangies all the time.

On the positive side, I didn't need a Xanax this epi, but I also almost fell asleep. Multiple times.

the hills: pre-intervention.

We start off the epi with the two outcast sisters, who aren't in any way sisters, but call each other "sister" at a restaurant. Idiots. They say they are at lunch, but who's eating? I'd love to know how StephiePratt is still driving if she's had like 19 DUIs. Shouldn't she be without a license by now or at least having to take a Breathalyzer before getting into her car?

Holly is telling Stephie all about SpencerBoy's antics and Stephie just looks on in horror.

"You're scaring me right now." --StephiePratt

With the most straight-face ever.

You know what? You're scaring me. Both of you.

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Heidi 10.0 and K-Cav meet up for some glasses of water. Why else would you go to a restaurant? K-Cav reveals that she and King of the Bromance, Brody, are friends with benefits.

"I think that's one thing Spencer really is missing in his life is Brody." --Heidi 10.0

Yeah, aren't we all? Aren't we all?

K-Cav immediately jumps to talking about SpencerBoy being crazy.

"But, he's a fun crazy." Heidi 10.0

Yeah, aren't we all? Aren't we all?

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In a move that leads me to believe RyanHairCabrera is only dating AuddiePat to re-launch his career, AuddiePat heads over to the recording studio. What's super weird though is that these two have the most normal interactions on the show. They might actually like each other. I can't decide. I mean, he won't even go hang out with her croanies. I think it's real.

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Yesssssssss, time to par-tay. The crew heads to Wonderland, where they have bottle service and chain wallets galore. Seriously, Bro? A chain wallet? What is this-- Russellville Middle School ala 1997? Please.

Bromance Brody tries to DTR it with AuddiePat in the middle of the bangin' club scene, but not before StephiePratt tries to sell her self-tanning kit to K-Cav. Thank God K-Cav doesn't bite. Can you imagine that disaster?

"I have things to talk to you about that I wasn't able to talk to you about when I had a girlfriend." --Brody

What the what?

"Brody, I have a boyfriend." --AuddiePat

SpencerBoy makes it out to the club and is exactly what a donkey (read: jackass) would be like if it could talk. Brody, offering tons of solid advice, tries to tell SpencerBoy he's stuck in his marriage. Out of left field SpencerBoy yells at AuddiePat, "you're the lamest girl in this club." Well, that's totally true, Spence, but why ya gotta be like that? Brody and SpencerBoy get into it. It's messy.

"You don't know how dangerous I am." --SpencerBoy

No, Spence, I think we do. Your one-way ticket to CrazyAssTown has been cashed. The ship sailed and you were dropped off.

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StephiePratt and AuddiePat try to trick us into thinking they are having a meal by sitting down at a table where food is served. They use big words and plot an intervention. But, first AuddiePat and K-Cav are going to sit down with Heidi. StephiePratt acts somewhat concerned about her brother and S-I-L.

"Try to bring me up." --StephiePratt

So much for being concerned about your brother and the crystals of crazyydom.

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K-Cav, AuddiePat and Heidi 10.0 meet up to sit at a table. K-Cav really likes Heidi's shorts and Heidi claims to have "made" them. I'm wondering what that means. AuddiePat was weirded out too. As soon as Heidi 10.0 sits down AuddiePat launches into stealth mode.

"An apology for what? .... I think he's just had a lot going on with our families." --Heidi

Do you think maybe, MAYBE it's because you, his wife, got like 36 plastic surgeries?

About the time K-Cav says SpencerBoy is angry and scary, Heidi says, "here's the thing: you don't me. Spencer didn't change me. I changed myself." I beg to differ. This gUrl is about 19 crayons short of even having one crayon. She's nutso.

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Yes! Another club scene. E'erybody get silly! AuddiePat's beau is sleeping and is the luckiest person in LA because he's missing this hoppin' scene.

Bromance Brody and K-Cav decide to kiss. NBD.

The Pratties walk in and bring their weird-ass crystals with them. Not only that they've scoured the country for every ring in America to put on their fingers they also succeeded in isolating absolutely every one of the croanies. Who brings crystals to a bar?

"Oh my God. Heidi just pulled out crystals." --StephiePratt

"This one is for genuises." --Heidi 10.0
Well, how did she get it?

"I don't let her go on tv, no computers. The only thing Heidi does is read and write poetry and pray....and pet puppies...and read books...so she is logged out of the matrix." --SpencerBoy

Do we really think Heidi can read or turn on a computer without help? Really? Also, I would love to read some of her poems! Can you imagine? Brilliance, I'm sure. And if she doesn't go on tv how is she on this show?

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So, what the hell happened with Bromance and K-Cav that he needed to put on that crop-top? Something happened.

"I think this little thing is good." --K-Cav

"Yeah, but I'm going to be honest: I really like being single." --Brody

Talk about being shut down! Oops!

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And now...the pre-intervention meeting. First off, there are currently 6,697,254,041 people in the world. And out of those 6,697,254,041 these five girlies are the ab.so.lute last people I'd ever want to rescue me from anything. They are also the last five people I'd ever want to stage an intervention with (for?) me. I'm talking, I'd rather have Kim Jong Il (North Korean dictator, SHOUT OUT) tell me I have a problem than these people.

They think the Pratties are brainwashed and crazy. Holly and StephiePratt go back and forth over whose sibling is worse. Is there really a deciding factor? Both terrible. No question.

"We can't go to there house and make them be better people." --AuddiePat

So true, Auds...and you'd be the last person to make that happen anyway.

In a tough move they all decide to cut the Pratties out of their lives. Too bad the show requires them to be in each other's lives. Don't they read their contracts? How do they keep missing these things? When they make this decision they each say their form of "I'm washing my hands of them" with these little smirks on their faces. It's like they know if they do this correctly they could be nominated for an Emmy. That or get a call from Oprah.

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These people give me so much anxiety. But, seriously, have you ever seen a group of people that needed the love of a Savior more than them?

Side note: I feel like Jesus probably rolls his eyes at them a lot. A lot.