lc blogs

sotu.

2012-01-25T08:53:00.002-06:00

Ah, what's better than a man standing before 435 people (plus cabinet members, judges and special guests) of mixed races and mixed parties sharing his dreams and goals for a nation? Umm... the fashion (pant suits! tie choices!), the ass-kissing, the cliches, the FORMER REAL WORLD CAST MEMBERS NOW SERVING IN CONGRESS. Yes, all of those things are what make this night, one of the greatest nights of the year.

Let's start with Sean Duffy getting some screen time. This guy used to be on MTV's The Real World in Boston, now he's a US Representative serving Wisconsin's 7th district. Real World? Talk about moving up in the real world. Google him. I think he even did one of the challenges once.

Gabby Giffords: are you kidding me? Tears. Tears streaming down my face. Big tears, small tears. All kind of tears. She's a hero. She's incredible. Let's name a building after her.

Let's try to hit the high points.

I think Hillary Clinton's longer hair is nice. It makes her softer. It also screams, "I don't give a crap." She went with a subtle pantsuit this year in comparison to her usual tribute to Dixie Carter in years past.

Joe Biden wasted zero time in blowing his nose on television. Obama barely started talking before Biden blew and before Obama got his first standing ovation. The big three all went with pretty regular tie choices. Last year they all went with a purple hue. I liked Biden's the best.

According to Obama the defining issue of our time is how to keep the American dream alive. I'm all for that! Let's keep this ship sailing, son!

Loved the Detroit shout out. I think the American auto industry is back. I mean, have you seen the Chrysler commercials lately? I'm in. Get me whatever Dr. Dre is driving!

This kind of got me, "What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries. It can happen in Cleveland and Pittsburgh and Raleigh." Maybe it's because I'm from the south and when I think of Raleigh I think of trees and pretty things and when I think of Cleveland and Pittsburgh I think of the exact opposite of trees and pretty things, but these cities should not be in the same category. Just saying.

Bringing jobs home. I'm all for this! He made a few points about tax breaks and helping businesses re-set up shop in America. But, there was no mention of how any of this was going to happen. "And if you want to relocate in a community that was hit hard when a factory left town, you should get help financing a new plant, equipment, or training for new workers." Great idea! Where's the money coming from to do that? Let me know, POTUS!

Real question: Where do they find the random citizens with comeback stories featured sitting with Michelle?

Education. Some lofty ideas with nothing ready to go to make any of them happen.

"At a time when Americans owe more in tuition debt than credit card debt, this Congress needs to stop the interest rates on student loans from doubling in July." As one of these people, I hope this happens. I've certainly enjoyed the tax break the last two years. Also, real question: is it really possible to rack up that much credit card debt? I mean, what are you people buying? My education debt started out in the 20k range, the same price as a decent car. Did you buy a car on a credit card? A shit ton of boots? What? I really need to know.

"You see, an economy built to last is one where we encourage the talent and ingenuity of every person in this country." I rarely feel encouraged by this economy or by my government. : (

"Of course, the easiest way to save money is to waste less energy." Well, now you just sound like my Dad!

"During the Great Depression, America built the Hoover Dam and the Golden Gate Bridge." HISTORY LESSON! I wish there would've been a slide show. Instead, we just got to see members of congress looking rather glum. : (

"An America built to last insists on responsibility from everybody." This coming from a Democrat? Does this mean Welfare is ending?

"I will not back down from protecting our kids from mercury pollution..." THANK GOD, right?! It's like, finally! Somebody wants to stand up against mercury pollution. I was super tired of cancer getting so much press.

"Now, you can call this class warfare all you want. But asking a billionaire to pay at least as much as his secretary in taxes? Most Americans would call that common sense." Yeah, yeah, yeah I get it. But, they kept showing shots of this lady-- looked fine to me! I mean, I don't know her life, but her suit looked nicer than Hillary's. Just saying.

"Washington is broken. Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?" No! I think that's where you come in though, sir!

"The point is, we should all want a smarter, more effective Government." That's the point? Why didn't you lead with that? YES and AMEN.

"I have already sent this Congress legislation that will secure our country from the growing danger of cyber-threats." Thank God, I do not want anyone cyber-bullying ME or MY GOVERNMENT. I really hope this means no more e-mails from my friends in London being held at knife-point.

"Those of us who’ve been sent here to serve can learn from the service of our troops. When you put on that uniform, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white; Asian or Latino; conservative or liberal; rich or poor; gay or straight." Heaven help a President that basically quotes Lady Gaga. There's no turning back now, kids. The damage is done.

No, it gets worse, "This Nation is great because we worked as a team. This Nation is great because we get each other’s backs." Get each other's backs? You really just said that to me? You really want me to believe that?

Suggestions:

Before introducing ideas/goals that make people really happy or really sad, have an actual plan in place to get the thing done. Give people an actual reason to be really happy or sad, not just words.

More face time for the Real World guy.

Red carpet walk through for members of Congress to be aired later on E! and reviewed by the fashion police.

Make people sit in alphabetical order or just draw names out of a hat for seating arrangements.

More close-ups of John Kerry's black eyes.

SHOUT OUTS to people who fall asleep. Hello, we elected these people! If I can stay awake through this thing, they should be taking freakin' notes!

No more standing ovations, unless it's for the military or Gabby Giffords or something else very American and worthwhile.

The President should ride in on a horse.

We should get to vote on the cabinet member that stays behind in case of an explosion and everyone in line to succeed POTUS dies. I'm sorry, if this happens and we're left with the Secretary of Agriculture running the country, I'm going to be PIST. We need to make sure someone awesome is standing back. So, as long as Hillary is serving, she gets my vote.

Slideshows! Please! Of the country, baby pictures of Congress, infrastructure projects! Anything!

And. I'd like an update on all the BS from last year's SOTU. Right? Race to the top?! Anyone?!

the bachelor: ben:: epi 4.

2012-01-24T08:15:00.002-06:00

After the 4-minute preview and 37-minute recap we get our first helicopter of the season. TTGL (Thank the Good Lord)!

Ben wants the gUrls to "experience the outdoors" because he went outside with his grandpa once. Me too and stuff, but like, for dating? No, please. No.

Nicki is starting to make me think she has a drug problem or that maybe she's on anti-depressants. She's very up and down emotionally and she always looks like she just left a really intense Black Friday sale at JC Penney or something.

Kacie B. thinks Park City is the perfect place to fall in love...BUT...what about Antigua and Thailand?!?! And Hong Kong?!

I love that after all of these years the Producers still try to make Chrissy Poo Harrison feel important by letting him explain the rules every episode. That's love.

Rachel gets the one-on-one and much like her "communication issues," it's a disaster. (Kacie B. is CRYING. Someone is always crying on this damn show.)

"I just hope I can get through this." -- Kacie B.
I say that at the beginning of every epi!!!!!

People are so jealous of that helicopter. Clearly, as much as they are on this show, they aren't hard to rent. Get one, ladies!

Ben and Rachel head straight for the canoe and it's now, officially, the worst date ever. A canoe? Ok, kayaking would've been worse.

"I definitely haven't felt like this since my last relationship." --Rachel
Crickets...crickets...yeah... I think that's how romantic feelings work?

We pop champagne!

Unfortunately, that champagne doesn't help them or me. So boring! There was a lot of awkward silence. Some bad hair on Ben's part and a lot of chugging champagne. The picnic and champagne was so bad they skip most of the footage and head straight to the dinner scene and the rose.

"I kind of hate opening up." --Rachel
Good luck, kid!

Group date card time!!!!!!!

Kacie B. has a weirdly positive, but terrifyingly invested attitude about this whole thing. Right?

We get our first glimpse of the Model and within seconds she drops bombs like, "I blossom when I'm around him" and a really neat, what I'm guessing might be a model look to the camera.

Ben starts having a serious convo with Rach and she looks away and says, "this fire is hot." Unfortunately, I don't think she was speaking metaphorically about the fire between them, but the actual fire in the room. Ben can trust his gut, but Rachel isn't good at communication. In fact, she's so bad at it, while she was explaining that she was bad at communicating, Ben had to stop and ask her what she was saying she was bad at. Oopsies!

We got our first mention of the Dentist at the 24-minute mark.

Rachel, somehow, gets the rose! Proving that roses are not significant in this man's life. They get some "sChmores" and kiss. I don't ever want a smore again, but hey! That's just me talking.

Group date time!!!

Ben rides out to the "ladies" on a horse and I swear, he had to have crapped his pants when he crossed that creek on that horse. I hit "rewind" on the ole DVR at least four times to get a look at his face. Priceless. He's trying to be all rugged while riding a horse, in designer jeans, but then craps his pants! Oopsies!

Of course, Lindzi, is fah-reaking out over the damn horse. I mean, cool. A horse! I thought most gUrls went through the horse phase at the same time that most gUrls go through their Barbie phase? No?

Ben wants to take the gUrls horseback riding.

I almost always go to Anthropologie before I get on a horse.

The horses led them to a fly-fishing excursion. Not only have the gUrls never done it, but I'm fairly certain that Ben's not really an avid fisherman either. Like, maybe he did this once one he was 12 or 13. You know, with his grandpa! Outdoors!

The Model, again, goes all cliche and metaphor on us and doesn't have one original thought during her spiel on "catching a man and a making a move and stepping up your game, while having your eye on the prize."

Kacie B. great left arm placement on Ben's back! That's the move the Model was talking about! Way to keep your eye on the prize!

The model coerces Ben into walking eight feet up stream away from the other ladies and she's acting like she won a damn gold medal. Or that she just invented fire. gUrl, you asked him to walk away from the group to try and catch a fish! That's actually what you should do when you fish!

The other gUrls quit fishing and start drinking. A page right out of my own book!

The convo between Ben and the Model was getting super spicy while talking about (dijon/spicy) mustard.

She caught a fish. And there was a weird moment of kissing and screeching. And then the Model carried the fish around for the next 5 minutes and let it die a slow, slow death.

Cocktails and the group date!!!

Casey S. wore a Lady Gaga jacket to the party. It was weird. She had on really fancy shoulder pads and Ben had on a hoodie. That works.

Nicki interrupts and gets the first super dramatic music undertone of the season by telling Ben her boss died. Not even her cousin or something. Then, Ben shares a sad story and now! They are connected! Kiss! Bond!

Samantha rolls in and starts bitching at Ben about only going on group dates. Ben looks like he wants to slap a ho, but instead he tells her he sees no connection and blahblahblah, "I think you're emotional and not serious. I can't justify giving you a one-on-one...I don't see this going any further, I think we should end this right now." Oh, snap! Damn! gUrl, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

"Oh no, coming in hot." --The Model
Another cliche, but brilliantly placed.

Ben has the decency to walk her out, only making it more awkward. Through the tears and goodbyes she grabs her bright pink suitcase and rides off into a cold, dark night.

"Another one bites the dust." --The Model
Seriously...just say something you thought of! Just once.

Kacie B. gets to go back to Ben's suite and her left boob is hanging out the whole time. I guess Ben likes that. I think she's a little drunky. I mean, look at her eyes.

The Model sits alone on a couch and steals Ben away to the upstairs fireplace where they have the most uncomfortable kiss I've ever seen in my life before the Model gives some speech about feelings and "losing sight" of them as a couple. To help her regain her sight Ben gives her the rose.

People are PIST.
I'm indifferent, because I'm smart enough to never put myself in a situation like that.

The Accountant (Jennifer?) leaves for her one-on-one date with Ben wearing only jeans, a sweater and a bright yellow bikini. Naturally.

The two repel down a crater in their bathing suits and then tread water at the bottom of the crater for a few minutes. Must have been boring because we only see about 40 seconds of it.

The two take a ski lift down the mountain and check out deer. And lightning.

"I feel very special right now." --The Accountant

Ben, over the thunder in the background, asks about Jennifer's past relationship history. Ben wants a needy woman and then asks an ACCOUNTANT if her schedule is structured. BEN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN ACCOUNTANT DOES? OR HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET AN ACCOUNTANT? What a dumb question.

The rain is so romantic!
I'm bored!

"The interaction I've had with her, she just seems really normal." --The Model, on the Accountant
Oh, wow. What an insult.

Is that gUrl getting her hair dyed while someone is boozing? Disaster.

She gets the rose. They go to a country music concert. Because, you know-- country music is outdoorsy.

Cocktail party time!!!!!!

The Model knows people are talking about her.

How did Monica get those in that dress? Real question.

Emily compares the model to a marble statue. Which, is valid because she was posing with that rose by the fire like a statue. A cold one!

Emily gets one-on-one time with Ben and against Chrissy Poo's advice, tells him about the Model. Ben tells Emily she's gonna go crazy. Oops! I think she's already there. They all are! Well, minus the Accountant. She's "normal" according to the craziest gUrl on the show.

It's during this time that we learn that Casey S. is a few bricks shy of a load by defending the Model.

"She's so cool." --Casey S.
Poor gUrl. Stuck in high school wanting to be friends with the pretty gUrl.

Casey runs to tell the Model everything Emily said to Ben. She made some really weird faces at the camera like, "Watch this camera!"

"I'm a nice person, don't F with me." --The Model
That's how most nice people operate.

The Model gets ready to confront Emily by making crazy eyes at everyone.

Then, Kacie B. says she has learned more about herself over the last two weeks than ever before. The Model has not. She knows herself really well.

The Model is ready to throw down with Emily. Here's a brief summary of what (I think) she said, "You know why I'm laughing. [giggle] My guard is up with you, you talked BAD about me with Ben. Oh, I'm up on it! It's not a good look. You shit in your own hat with me. You're on my list! Good look! Good look! Winning!"

People are still quoting Charlie Sheen? And what does shitting in your own hat mean?

"I'm not used to people being rude to me." --Emily
Where do you live?! I want to go to there!

ROSE CEREMONY!!!!

Zero surprises here... Monica and her tiny dress get sent home. You know, Monica's alright. She started off on the crazy train, but kind of leveled out by this episode and most of the gUrls seemed to like her. So, I hope she does really well consulting dentists. Or consulting patients for dentists. Or. What the hell IS a dental consultant?

This is the point in the show where Ben makes a toast and tells the gUrls where the gang is headed next. Usually, at this point, the drama is over and I'm already fast-forwarding. Oh, not so fast with the remote there, gang!

Greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever.

Ben: We're heading to Somewhere hard to say, Puerto Rico!!!!
gUrls: SCREAMING!!!!!!! Cheers!
[silence]
The Model: [begrudgingly] I was just there two months ago.
Ben: Well... we're going back.
gUrls: More screaming!!!!!!!

Man, those previews for next week look family friendly, eh?
Until then!

Here's the video of the greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. Start it around the 5:50 mark and enjoy.

the bachelor:: ben: epi 3.

2012-01-17T08:21:00.003-06:00

After a 14-minute long recap, we dive right in to the longest 2 hours of television.

I had a little DVR trouble throughout the episode, so I began with Emily and Benji beginning their trek up the Bay Bridge.

Oh, ABC, it never gets old. Right? Find the gUrl's biggest fear, make her do it, propel gUrl and boy to say things too soon. It's perfection!

Benji deals with the panic by quoting "Top Gun." Technically, I only heard one quote, but it was one too many.

Meanwhile, the other gUrls are watching them on their date through a telescope. NORMAL.

"Holy hell, what am I doing here?" --Emily
I can't believe this is the first time she's asked that. Period.

Benji wanted Emily to be more comfortable and secure in the ascent up the bridge, so DUH, he kissed her. That solves most fears of heights.

"A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together." --Emily
Webster couldn't have said it better.

Emily and Benji head to dinner and they start discussing their fears.

"I've had some pretty abysmal dating experiences." --Emily
YEAH. THIS ONE.

I really think Benji might be one of the more boring people on television.
EVER.

Her two biggest fears in life are rejection and heights?
Calling bluff, gUrl!

GROUP DATE CARD TIME.
The gUrls try to guess what a leap is. No one guessed correctly.
A leap is like a jump. It is a jump.
One gUrl said it was running with bulls! What a silly billy!!!!!!!!

Emily gets the rose, because she "just gets it."
I tend to disagree.
Especially because she described every single thing that happened as perfect.
How'd she forget that part of the day where she crapped her pants while climbing up a bridge?
Maybe it was the perfect place to crap her pants? Crap with a view?

GROUP DATE TIME.
Turns out... they are going snow skiing...in bikinis!!!!!!!!

That crazy Ben and ABC put some snow down a city street and BOOM, snow skiing in bikinis!!!

"San Francisco is like, a really busy community." --Monica
Yeah. It's almost (almost) like a city.

Precious lil' Kacie B. almost died about 19 times. Ben liked it. I thought it was pathetic.

The next one-on-one date card comes and it's a key to the city. All the gUrls keep saying, "It's so pretty. It's beautiful." And it wasn't. It's very much an ugly necklace from Claire's. Brittney gets the date and she's so un-enthused it's comical. She's torn and confused. And long story, short: she's heading home. Her heart's just not in. DEUCES!

"It's a cool scene. It rains." --Benji

Ben pulls this one gUrl aside and it took me about 4 minutes to learn her name. She complimented him more than he's probably ever been complimented in his life. They kissed. And we learn the way to his heart.

Kacie B. is frustrated and we get our first glimpse of a gUrl questioning her feelings and Ben's intentions and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. They kiss and it's fine.

NICE VEST, BEN.
Did you steal that from a baby?

"She sparkles." --Benji
Now she's a unicorn?!

Blakeley's earrings look like a dead raven is hanging off of each ear.
Edgar Allan Poe would be like, "DAYUM."

MORE DVR PROBLEMS.
We meet back up with Lindzi and Ben's one-on-one date.

Much to Lindzi's dismay, a streetcar picks them up instead of a horse.

Ben shows her all things San Fran via the streetcar and the two get some ice cream. Before dinner?!
We also learn that it's not a real streetcar, it's a bus disguised as a streetcar.

Lindzi and Ben head inside to the City Hall. He uses the Neil Lane designed key to unlock the door. The lights come on. Matt Nathanson's worst moment of his career begins. Ben and Lindzi dance. Kind of terribly. And they kiss. They kiss a lot.

The date is NOT over. The two head to a secret room behind a secret door in a restaurant. They have to be starving at this point.

"I'd like to know why you're still single." --Ben
No. No. No. NO.
Do not ever ask a gUrl that. It's not a compliment. It's just not.

Side note: So far, Ben has mentioned his proposal to The Dentist every 14 minutes this show has been on the air.

Lindzi gets the rose. Because she's a "complete woman." As opposed to...?

Ben takes her to a piano store and he plays that sad, sad, sad David Gray song. Again. But, then, we can't really tell if Ben played it or if it was dubbed over. ABC is always tricking me. ALWAYS.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME.
It's at this point in the show that hell is about to break loose.
Normally, it's because everyone is drinking and wearing ugly dresses.
Tonight, it's because Shawntel, the funeral director, is on her way in to profess her love to Benji.
More on that later.

Ben starts off the night by kissing the Accountant. This is the first gUrl he has time with. So, that's good that he started off like that.

He then moves on to a newlywed type game with that one gUrl. I think it's Nicki. I still don't know these people's names.

Courtney's emotions start to get the best of her and her face ALMOST moved.

"I don't have an opinion on other people's shenanigans." --Lindzi
Oh. I do. OOPSIES.

Again, the Model's cliches come out full-force.

"Courtney has a social disorder." --Emily
Sounds right.

She takes her social disorder to the library that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe to. Turns out, it's not a library, but a balcony. And I'm sure he took her outside for things. Because their relationship wasn't a secret at all.

"I see you and I light up. And I'm like, I'm dealing with all the drama and I can handle it. It's worth it to me. I can carry the weight... I didn't expect to feel this way... We have such a strong connection." -- The Model
Seriously? Seriously?! She had to have just watched clips from old seasons of this show, right? She did not have a single original thought during any part of the conversation. Not one. How is that even possible?

WHO IS THAT?
Enter Shawntel.
There's so much to say about this little situation because, well. It's all fabricated. I'm sure Ben and Shawntel did meet and did enjoy each other's company at some point. I'm sure ABC knew this. Shawntel doesn't live far from San Fran, ABC called her up, offered her some cash and BOOM. We have new drama on a really old cyclical show. Shawntel never seemed bat shit crazy (BSC) on Brad's season. That type of crazy doesn't just happen over night, it's always in you.

She sits Ben down and tells her about their connection and leaves it at, "you can give me a rose if you want." So, not that bold of a move, really. Because that's the premise of the whole damn show! He can give anyone a rose that he wants! (How do people KEEP missing this?!?!)

Ben is in shock. The other gUrls are PIST. The Producers are giddy.
We're all still watching.

Ben asked the other gUrls to be gracious and welcoming.
They weren't.

That gUrl with the terrible Midwestern accent just screamed, "YOU DON'T KNOW BEN!" I would argue that point to everyone... does anyone really know Ben at this point? You're all fighting over a man you watched fall "in love" with another gUrl on another season of this stupid show. You know that, right? This situation isn't even as normal as meeting a person online.

The Model is worried and upset.
Everyone thinks it's unfair and is prepared to leave.

DRAMA.
TEARS.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME.

I can't be certain, but I think every gUrl gave the ultimatum, "If Ben gives her a rose...I'm leaving!" Way to be your own people, people.

"Love is possible. This experience is working." --Ben
We must be watching two different "experiences."

The Model accepts the rose even though she saw Ben talk to "what's her butt."

Casey S. spent about 4 minutes getting ready for this party. Her hair looks like mine after an 8th grade basketball game, which though I have great hair is NOT a compliment.

Nicki is still crying.
Still.

"It's just not ok." --Nicki

"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to throw up." -- gUrl

We're down to the final rose and OH SHIT. Someone feels nauseous. OH SHIT. That gUrl needs to sit down. She is going to pass out! She falls down! Everyone is nervous. Ben barely flinches and says, "Can we get some water?" Like, he didn't even raise his voice or his eyebrows or anything.

You have to admire Benji for not getting caught up in the drama.

Erica stands back up.
Ben launches back into his speech. He's flattered that Shawntel put it all on the line to find love.

HOWEVER, NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE!
TWIST!

So many smirks across the faces of the "ladies."

That gUrl needs to sit down again!

He walks Shawntel out.
Shawntel cries to the camera.
Her dignity? Oh, well. It no longer exists.

Benji announces to the gUrls that they will be traveling to Park City, Utah! I'm guessing most people don't even know where that is. Minus the two gUrls from Utah. But, they all act super excited. So, that was neat.

I think the internetS should know that I watch this show each and every week without drinking any alcohol. I don't know how much longer I can keep that up. Just saying.

Until next week's tragedy...

wants.

2012-01-13T15:26:00.002-06:00

I really wish I could travel more.
I want to travel more.

I guess I don't necessarily need to travel more.

The lady in these photos used to always say, "Wish in one hand, pee in the other. See which one fills up first." You don't have to be a first grader to figure that one out.

But, I haven't tried that in quite some time, so. Why not?

Here's to wishin'!
And wantin'!

the bachelor: ben:: epi 2.

2012-01-10T08:18:00.003-06:00

We open up this week's epi with a 24-minute recap of last week's disaster.

Ben's moving a little fast by already taking the "ladies" up to Sonoma, his hometown. He has "incredible memories" of growing up there, so it's important to share that with some total FREAKIN' strangers. Perfect.

"Is this real life?" --gUrl
No. No. No, this is a television show.

Kacie B. (GAH, there's more than one) gets the first date and she calls herself the luckiest gUrl alive, but clearly she's using that phrase loosely.

"I hope she's the appropriate woman for this date." --Ben
Too many comments.

Ben takes her on a stroll and they go work on some duets. I think before Ben works on anything he should work on his hair. That is a personal opinion. Then, they head into a toy store. I'm fairly certain the toy store stayed open just for them.

I'm so bored. This date is so boring. The highlight of Ben's night was learning that Kacie B. used to twirl a baton (she could've just said she was a majorette). He must have talked for 19 hours about living in Northern California.

The group date card comes and I can just hear that whistle blowing. The crazy train is about to roll through.

Kacie B. gets a rose and I'm surprised I saw it because my eyes were open, but I'm certain I was asleep.
Oh, I'm so glad I woke up. Shit show time! I mean, family movie time! Ben acts genuinely interested. That was sweet, I mean, if it's not creepy to watch family movies together on your first date. Which, it kind of is.

Group date time! GDT! When I look at Ben's hair I feel like I'm staring into my middle school yearbook. It's not something that works for me on any level. Minus the level of me that is still stuck in middle school. Which, isn't an actual level. I am just wondering if he washes it often.

Ben hired the best playwrights in all the land to write a play for the ladies! Twist! They are small children! A plethora of ethnicities and socioeconomic statuses! Way to go, ABC!

The kiddies were obviously instructed to make the gUrls do stupid things and look SILLY!!!!!!!!!!! Success! The gUrls looked so, so silly!!!!!!!!!!

"How about a sexy dance." -- Small child
"Oh, that's sexy." -- Other small child
That's just weird.

Of course they made cleavage gUrl jog in slow motion. Those ABC Producers are too good! They can get different demographics to tune in no matter what!

The model and the horse gUrl are having a really weird talk. Scratch that, the model is having a weird talk. She's got darkness inside of her. Just watch.

The group daters (who should probably be in group therapy instead of dating) start rehearsing their play. The costumes were pretty entertaining. We head on over to the community theater and Ben's closest friends (and some other people that were paid to be there) are in the audience! So much to be nervous about!

Official review: "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" is the worst play ever. But, just you watch-- someone will produce this bullshit soon. I guarantee it.

That tree is awesome.

Children wrote this?! Ben takes his clothes off, the gUrls had to do a sexy dance. I HATE HUMANS. Why do this to small children?

"This is the first time I've ever been attracted to a sheep." --Jacyln
Prayerfully, it'll be your last.

Everyone thinks watching Ben with kids is eye-opening. I don't agree. I mean, yeah, if he punched a kid or cussed one out, that'd be like, "Hey! That's not fun, we shouldn't get married!" But, who's an asshole to kids while being forced to be nice to kids on a television show? No one. Most of the time, anyway.

Play over. Pool and dranky-drink time!
Those two gUrls take Ben away to kiss him on the cheek. YAWN.

Blakely isn't going to hold back and she's going after what she wants. All of the other "ladies" are mad at her, but clearly they are forgetting that BLAKELY IS A 34-YEAR-OLD COCKTAIL WAITRESS. She needs to go after it! I don't blame her.

"Where does this style come from?" --Ben, to Blakely
Ben, really? 'Slutty' isn't a style. It's a lifestyle.

Oh, we've got drama in the public restroom! Can you imagine the germs on that blanket that one gUrl wore into that bathroom. I am puking just thinking about it. I hope they burned it afterwards. That's not safe.

Oh. My. Gosh.
The Model just quoted Charlie Sheen.
And then she got the one-on-one date.
And then she started talking trash to every other gUrl in the room.

"I thought she was a real person." -- Erika
Yeah...about that.

It's pool party time back at GDT.

The Ginger Accountant takes Ben away for some hot tub time and of course, gets a kiss. Shocker! I'm sure it was the acoustics in the room, but it seemed like the kisses were incredibly loud. Slight gag.

"Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate." --Blakely
The fact that she even knows what her sign is proves that she's crazy.

Blakely gets Ben alone and they kiss. Shocker. YAWN.
Jennifer, the Ginger Accountant, was beyond upset. She cried.
HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE.

Ben told the ladies he was proud of them and that was weird, because I've been super embarrassed for the last hour for everyone on this show.

Blakely gets the rose.
And I'm sure it has nothing to do without the amount of booze anyone has had to drink tonight.

Now, the Accountant feels used and sad and like she'll never fall in love.
More tears and a sad speech about falling in love and something about finding out who she is or something. Go to church, gUrl.

To me, the worst thing about Blakely at the moment are her earrings. Real talk.

Ben and The Model head off into Wine Country so Ben can see if she can handle the small town. Naturally, they just go out into some woods, because that's what small town living is-- WOODS.

"It feels like a Saturday." --Ben
Well, Ben, was it a Saturday?

"My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard." --The Model
Her face didn't move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I was just doing me for a while." --The Model
Ben, run! Run! For real! Anyone who uses that phrase during Real Talk is not an "appropriate woman" for anybody on Earth. This is your warning.

Could she speak in cliches a little more, please? My gosh. It's like she doesn't know any phrases other than ones she's heard on this show before.

Dinner time! And again-- I don't think she knows words.

"I meet people, I'm just not interested in them." --The Model
Because you're terrible and selfish and say stuff like, "I've been doing me."

Why did I not start counting the cliches at the beginning of their date?

What is Ben wearing? That's so many layers and they are not working together. Four layers. He's wearing four layers and The Model has on a beach cover up and what looks to be a cami under the beach cover up.

The cliches wore off on Ben, "Courtney does make me think 'big-picture.'"

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horse gUrl steals some time with Ben and he tells her that she made such a good first impression on him that he didn't need to take her on a date this week. BURN! Then, they just discuss trucks and fields. I mean, I'm not the most experienced dater, but I'm pretty sure I've never talked about TRUCKS on any date ever.

Blakely lets everyone in on her secret to getting the rose on the group date. She has on earrings that have to weigh 10 to 12 pounds a piece and then, she took those earrings into the middle of Samantha's drama fest with Ben. Sammy is PIST.

Same story, different verse.
YAWN.

"It's like a war out there." --The Model
Yes, Courtney, I'm sure my grandfather who fought on the front lines of World War II in the Pacific would totally agree!

The Blogger gets some face time with Ben and she really takes it to a whole new level by saying, "I feel like a guy." Hey, Blogger! this is not some sick TLC show about transgenders. This is a family show. You can't talk about shit like that to him.

"I don't want horse face in my face." --Jaclyn, about Blakely
That's not going to work for me. Lindzi is horse gUrl, Jackie!

Ben is finally picking up on the reoccurring them in the house: CRAZY.

Ben goes to find Blakely and she's sitting in a corner alone and crying. Red flag.

What is Ben thinking at this point? He has to be thinking, "THERE'S NOT ENOUGH WINE IN THE WORLD TO GET ME THROUGH THIS." Right? I mean, there's not enough wine in the world to get me through this and I'm just watching it months later.

Chrissy Poo Harrison comes to Ben's rescue! However, at this point, I think the only person who can save Ben, is Ben. SAVE YOURSELF, BEN!

OH.
SNAP.

Sheryl's granddaughter gets the final rose!

The Blogger is in shock as she gives her final interview. Honey, it's not shocking. You told him you felt like a guy. And now look at you.

"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I'm mortified." --The Blogger
Just wait until you watch this later, you'll really be mortified and probably short a few friends. Also, your dad is probably going to be pretty disappointed. Maybe even your mom, too. Just a heads up, gUrl!

"I think I deserve love. I'm always trying to find it." --The Blogger
Look harder?

Ben gives the gUrls another surprise-- the gang's headed to San Fran!

And then, I changed the channel.

2011 year in review.

2012-01-09T13:13:00.004-06:00

January.
February.
March.
April.
May.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
December.

Pretty much the same for centuries now.

the bachelor: ben. epi 1.

2012-01-02T22:55:00.001-06:00

I live a life of few regrets.

One of the few regrets I do have though happens to be writing a recap of this stupid, stupid show many years ago. I can't get past it. People don't believe me when I tell them that I don't enjoy this, but real talk, y'all: this is torture for me.

You know what's real torture? A sad ass David Gray love song combined with Benji's terrible hair cut and you've got Dick Cheney and water-boarding comparisons at every turn.

Ben's had time to reflect on all that happened last season!

Science!!!

He's ready for love and I assure you: he's looking in all the wrong places.

Lindzi spells her name with a 'z' and she loves horses.

NEXT.

Amber wants Ben to eat cow balls.

NEXT.

Lyndsie spells her name like a stripper that used to be a hooker.

NEXT.

Jenna blogs while drinking wine.

NEXT.

Shawn is a boy's name and she has a kid.

NEXT.

Oh, finally. Nicki gets to sit on the couch and stare at a photo.

NEXT.

"No expectations." --Benji

That's probably good. I also have low expectations. Same thing, right?

Ben and Chris are dressed almost identically and it's cute in the same way that's it not cute at all.

The women start arriving and Benji looks bored almost. Though his face does get inquisitive when the law student gets out of the car in a dress that she clearly stole from "Dancing With the Stars" wardrobe's department.

"I love Canada." --Ben

BORED.

Jenna (henceforth known as The Blogger) freaked her own freak when she misquoted Ben during her introduction. I'm with you, gUrl, you screwed up. Your dress selection could also be put on your screw up list.

I fast forwarded through the rest of the intros... until SHERYL. What a cutie! And nice move on letting her introduce you, granddaughter Brittney. Kind of weird and creepy, especially because grandma was on crutches and stuff. But, yeah. Totally cool. I'd also be willing to bet a large sum of money that SHERYL probably forwards e-mails to a lot of those gUrls now. Am I right? I'm right.

That gUrl from Oklahoma came out spouting numbers and I straight up fell asleep around the time she said she had never been arrested. I was jilted out of sleep by the Londonite's booming voice. Then, that one gUrl just walked right past him. I thought that was pretty awesome.

Want to see crazy? Check out the gUrl who talked about her dog within 2 seconds of exiting the limo. Oh, check that-- a gUrl just rode in on a horse. And now I'm dreaming of her getting kicked off and Benji saying, "...and the horse you rode in on!"

Chrissy-poo Harrison tells him the house is his and the cocktail party is officially underway. I couldn't be less thrilled.

"I'm kind of that small-town gUrl...I live in New York City." --Rachel
By the end of their conversation I've decided that she's either drunk or has a head injury that we were not told about. I didn't think the words were ever going to get out of her mouth. She. talked. so. slow.

"Is that a big part of your life-- the horse thing?" --Ben, to Lindzi

If that's ever a question you have to ask on a date, you should get off of that date. Immediately.

Listening to Sheryl talk to Ben, I'm imagining my grandmother on this show and I start to think, "now, that's a show I would watch!" Y'all, everyone should have to bring one family member to the first show every season. Get the crazy out there right away. Boom. Bam. Zing!

How did Ben not ask what was up with the crutches?

"This is going to be ridiculous." --Ben
Foreshadow much? Call it a wash now, Ben!
Run.

There's a 34-year-old VIP cocktail waitress on here?
This can't be the way she thought her life would go.
Right?

"It was hard to talk to him while he was blindfolded and eating candy out of a garbage sack." --gUrl
To be fair, I don't think it was a garbage sack.

"I work really hard." --the Model
Listen, I don't know if that's true or not, but I'd be willing to stand in front of a camera for a few hours and let her send some e-mails at my job one day to find out.

Some gUrl says she isn't attracted to Ben and the Blogger got her claws out. She was really insulted and wanted the other gUrl to leave. Monica retreats to the VIP cocktail waitress for comfort. She's not distracted at all by the dead birds hanging from her ears.

At this point, shit started getting really weird. I don't know how to describe it other than: one gUrl got drunk and started hitting on another gUrl. This is a family blog, we have to leave it at that.

"I don't want to be drama." --Blogger
I mean, you call yourself a blogger and you're on reality TV. You may not want to be 'drama' but, it looks like you are.

The Blogger is a little emotional and the confrontation between her and Monica was quite comical. She was so upset and hurt and then basically just told her to not make fun of her and then offered to share a tampon with her.

I can't be certain, but I think I read somewhere once that extending a tampon to another woman is the feminine version of extending an olive branch.

Benji walks up on the Blogger shedding some tears and then Blogger goes on some drunk tyrade about being nervous and at this point, I really think Benji wants out. You can just tell he's not cut out for this. I think someone is going to end up murdering him before this season is over. He's too timid for this crazy train. BEN, GET OFF THE TRACKS. CRAZY TRAIN COMING THROUGH.

Blogger is in the bathroom just dropping bombs.

The horse lover/rider got the first impression rose.
Yawn.

Has Chris Harrison's voice gotten deeper? It sounds different. Maybe he just has a cold or something. I always sound manly when I have a cold.

The Blogger comes back and you can just hear that train whistle blowing.

Ben's rose ceremony speech was pre-rehearsed and terrible.

"Obviously, this is going to be emotional...we've already had a little bit of that tonight...that's what I'm looking for..." --Ben
You are looking for a shit show, Ben? Really? That is what you're looking for? Well, Eureka! Gold mine.

I'd like to meet these gUrls' parents. They need a lesson in name spelling.

When ole Granddaughter got a rose people were PIST (2929 SHOUT OUT). They were all like, "WHERE'S GRANDMA?!"

In all of my years of living, I don't think I've ever seen so many terrible earrings together in one room. Just poor selection, after poor selection. And yes, this is coming from a gUrl who basically wears one pair of earrings to every single occasion there is, but I own other pairs. And none of them are ugly.

Monica and the Blogger get a rose.
SHOCK. and. AWE.
Shock and awe.

Clearly, the Producers of this show are just brilliant, brilliant people. Where do they continue to find these people and convince millions of others that watching this is appropriate behavior?

"I feel like such a loser. Such an absolute failure." --English Accent gUrl
No! No! You aren't a loser. I mean, daddy issues aside, I'm sure you're great. And cool. Don't believe the lies, gUrl! You just got the best present of your life by not getting a rose!

One time, I just wish one of these gUrls would not get a rose and look into the camera and say, "YOUR LOSS, BUDDY!" and just move on. Have a little bit of pride in yourselves, people.

I guess at this point, I'm in. As usual. And I'm so mad at myself.

Bring on the helicopters, gang!

happy holiday.

2011-12-23T10:33:00.003-06:00

This morning, I ventured over to a little donut shop near my apartment. It was appropriately called "Donuts." Upon receiving my donuts and paying, the woman behind the counter looked at me with a huge smile and said, "Happy holiday!"

I walked out and said, "You, too!"

Seems simple enough, but really it's the most complicated conversation I've had in weeks.

What holiday was supposed to be happy and what holiday was left out? She just said holiday.

I take great offense to people who worm their way out of wishing others a "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" by saying "Happy Holidays!" Contrary to popular belief it's not an all-encompassing salutation. It's confusing and vague.

I've never been to a "holiday" party where all holidays were given attention. But, I've been to several Christmas parties or New Year's parties. If I was Jewish I'd probably go to a lot of Hanukkah events. I wouldn't be offended by an invitation to have a "Happy Hanukkah," I'd just try really hard to have a very happy Hanukkah even though I have no idea how to go about that.

I often wonder if people are offended when I tell them to have a great Flag Day or a wonderful St. Patrick's Day?

What if people started saying "Happy Holidays" on MLK Day, which is also typically on or around Robert E. Lee's birthday? Now, that's offensive, people.

Maybe we should never wish a happy holiday of any sort on anyone ever again. That. OR, change the meaning of "Happy Holidays" to legitimately mean "Happy holiday ever celebrated ever, religious or otherwise." If religious, throw in an "amen" at the end and you are truly covered.

Holiday greetings that could be offensive to you and yours:

"Happy Stephen Foster Memorial Day!"

Don't even!

"Have a good Arbor Day!"

Do you even know what a tree did to me once?

"Hope your Groundhog's Day is full of groundhogs!"

Screw you!

"Please celebrate Mardi Gras responsibly!"

Are you kidding? Responsibly?!

"Happy Mother's Day!"

Are you sick? I'm not even a mom!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, internetS.

Cowling Family Christmas 1999
Very offensive, indeed.

joseph didn't know.

2011-12-20T08:46:00.001-06:00

There are few things in the world as interesting as the birth of Jesus Christ.
If you've ever stopped by this web log before, you know how I feel about this.
I write about it all the time.
Last year, the year before, and the year before that.

It's my hope and prayer this topic never becomes mundane and never gets lost under the tree. That it will never get stuck in the chimney and it will always, always serve as a reminder of the hope and the joy that came...

Christmas comes each time this year.

And each time this year Mary, the mother of our Lord Jesus Christ, gets some serious attention from the public. This attention is not without warrant. All good mothers need their proper props. Mary is no different.

However, where’s the love for Joseph in all of this? Trust me, I know he had ZERO percent involvement in the birth of lil’ baby Jesus, but there’s not a song out there called, “Joseph, Did You Know?” My guess is that Joseph had even less of an idea about things than Mary did!

Let’s break it down.

Here’s this dude, just a regular ole dude “pledged” to marry a gUrl, I’m assuming, he barely knows. One night an angel rolls in and is all, “Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Go ahead and take Mary home as your wife. For real. NBD. It sounds crazy, but the Lord’s got it figured out.”

One Gospel tells us that Joseph considering quietly divorcing Mary.

Another barely mentions Joseph.

My brosef and his wife just had a baby a few months ago. On more than one occasion he expressed excitement and joy over the birth of his son, but he was also scared—like most dads. Dads want to provide. Dads want to protect. Dads want to know the child is their child! Surely Joseph felt all of these emotions and more.

Surely Joseph sat down Mary at one point and said, “Real talk, who’s baby is this?”

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe Joseph was more than just a regular dude. Maybe Joseph was chosen in conjunction with Mary— as a team. Maybe the Lord knew that the two of them together could handle this.

I mean, I don’t know! Just like Mary didn’t know. And Joseph sure as hell didn’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter. They had faith. They trusted the Lord and they did what they were told.

And it turns out, the Lord was right.

He did have things under control.

He had a plan— a plan to bring one child into the world to save everyone.

Even Joseph.

Who totally didn’t know.

holiday gift guide 7.

2011-12-16T08:55:00.005-06:00

InternetS! According to my calculations (which could be off) Christmas is just 9 days away! Be a thoughtful gift giver. Here's some help.

Adult Bib

For: The Messy Eater That You Love

Why: Because sometimes the people we love are silly, messy eaters! And sometimes it's sad to wear a food-stained shirt out on the town.

Bonus: More free time, less money spent on Tide pens.

Dog DNA Test Kit

For: The Dog Lover/ Wannabe Scientist

Why: Because not everyone can afford fancy schmancy dogs!

Bonus: You can really get to know your dog by knowing its roots and family origins. This kit will take the relationship between you and your dog to the next level.

Dolphin Lamp

For: The gUrl (or Boy) Who Always Wanted to be a Marine Biologist

Why: You need light to read about dolphins, silly!

Bonus: The lampshade also has a lovely dolphin scene on it.

Sumo Wrestler End Table

For: The Interior Decorating Enthusiast

Why: Because even interior decorators like surprises!

Bonus: This table to sure to hold all of necessities! No more worrying about a certain lamp being too heavy for a flimsy ole run of the mill end table! I mean, it's a sumo wrestler!

Terry Cloth Toilet Seat Cover

For: The Person Who Complains About Cold Toilet Seats

Why: Because sometimes you just want to wake up and go to the bathroom without feeling like the toilet has been sitting in the Alaskan wilderness all night!

Bonus: Comes in blue, green or pink, so it can definitely be matched to your bathroom decor!

Mouthwash Decanter

For: The Person You Love with Bad Breath

Why: Because when you're trying to keep it real and keep up with the Joneses, you can't have a Scope bottle sitting around.

Bonus: Elegant alternative to a plastic bottle.
Double Bonus: FRESH FREAKIN' BREATH.

holiday gift guide 6.

2011-12-09T08:39:00.001-06:00

Can I be vulnerable with you, internetS? When I started out on this holiday gift guide journey a few weeks ago I wasn't intending on changing anybody's life. But, after weeks of researching kind and thoughtful gifts for everyone I've changed my mind.

I do want to change the world-- one meaningful gift at a time.

Handerpants

For: The Wildly Modest gUrl

Why: Because modest is hottest! If you have a friend that is already super modest and wants to cover up her extremities, this is the gift! Or maybe you have a friend that should be a little more modest? Well, here's a great start!

Bonus: Stylish for ANY occasion!

Jesus Playing Soccer Sculpture

For: The Soccer Playing Christian

Why: Because soccer players love Jesus and Jesus loves them!

Bonus: It doubles as a witness tool. Invite your non-believing friends over for a soccer match and let the converting begin!

Tentacle Mermaid Plush Doll

For: The gUrl Who Has EVERYTHING

Why: Because she doesn't have this.

Bonus: She's made from fleece making her extra cozy! Snuggle up, gUrl who has everything!

OCD Cutting Board

For: OCD Person Who Loves to Cook

Why: Because pleasing OCD people is hard and this is one step to loving them through their OCD-ness.

Bonus: The carrots in your meal will all be cut EXACTLY the same size, so after you eat one you'll know just how much to chew each and every carrot!

Pocket Saw

For: Anyone (Really)

Why: Because we've all walked around and thought, "If I could only cut that brick in half!"

Bonus: It cuts through iron, steel, aluminum, wood and more!
Double Bonus: It fits in your pocket!

Extendable Sock Aid

For: The Laziest Person You Know

Why: Because we're all tired of helping our lazy friends put on their socks.

Bonus: You can put on your socks WITHOUT bending over.
Double Bonus: No more strained back muscles after an exhausting foray into putting your socks on!

lil' boy with a drum.

2011-12-07T16:24:00.001-06:00

Ever heard the Christmas favorite, "The Little Drummer Boy?" Yeah, you're reading this, so you've heard it. You don't live under a rock. pa rum pum pum pum

Lately, the lyrics have really been causing me some grief. I just don't get it. I mean, I get the part about him wanting to go see Jesus and declaring that his gifts are no good for him (kind of like how my works and deeds are useless to Jesus, he just wants me!). Here's what I don't get: he took a drum to play for a newborn baby. pa rum pum pum pum

I cannot think of less soothing instrument to play for a person, much less a tiny newborn baby. pa rum pum pum pum

And then, the Lil' Drummer Boy just starts straight up lying and humble-bragging. First, he says the ox and lamb kept time. No. No, little boy, an ox and a lamb did not tap their feet while you played a drum for baby Jesus. pa rum pum pum pum

Then, he says he played his best for him and that Jesus smiled at him. No. No freakin' way! pa rum pum pum pum

There's just no way any of this happened. Oxen and lambs can't keep a beat (everyone know they're the total whities of the animal world-- they can't shoot hoops either). Second, newborn babies don't smile!

While I'm thinking about this song I'm imaging two scenes. The first scene involves me showing up at a baby shower without a gift, but with a snare drum in hand. I ask to just perform for 30 minutes. It doesn't end well. pa rum pum pum pum The second scenario has me showing up to a hospital nursery with a snare drum and being escorted out within seconds.

Somewhere a third scenario involves me getting the ox and the lamb into the hospital, too. They accidentally kick over the Purell and all hell breaks loose.

pa rum pum pum pum

dear santa.

2011-12-06T11:18:00.001-06:00

I cannot remember the last letter I wrote to Santa. I would guess it was sometime around the year of our Lord, 1986. At my office, we get pretty in to the Christmas spirit-- a decorating contest, a party— you know. All of that. Yesterday, we were encouraged to write Santa a letter.

This is what I came up with...

Dear Santa,

Hi.

I don’t really know how to start a letter to you, because Idon’t believe in you and I never really have, though in my youth my parentstried to blame some of their mediocre gifts they gave me on you. I knew theyweren’t from you because even though I didn’t think you existed I had alwaysheard great things about you. Great things— not, “Yeah, I asked for this, butinstead Santa decided to get the cheaper, off-brand version of it in adifferent color.” No, it was always, “Santa brought me exactly what I wanted!”So, I figured my parents out pretty quickly.

Anyway. In an effort to no longer ruin anyone under the ageof 7’s Christmas again, I’ve been encouraged to write you a letter. It feelslike community service, so I’m not sure my heart will be in it, but a letter’sa letter, right? I feel like in this day and age an e-mail would be moreefficient. Have you thought about streamlining and efficiency much, Santa? I guess we can discuss that later when youaren’t so busy or something.

I digress.

I consider myself to very much be an adult and that beingsaid, I typically buy myself things I want or need. I don’t ask others forgifts. So, it’s kind of like why am Ieven writing you this letter? Idon’t know, Santa. I just don’t know.

I guess I wouldn’t be mad if you brought me a new set oftires for Christmas. That is legitimately the only thing I can think of that Idon’t want to buy myself, but I probably should. If you want to bring me somestocking stuffers, please don’t bring me bubble gum or cheap Christmas candy. Iprefer Claritin— you can buy it OTC.

Alright, guy, I’m out.

Does anyone ever wish you a ‘Happy 4^th of July’or anything? Or is it all ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time? That’d get prettyold.

I have a feeling you suffer from diabetes, high-cholesterol,rosacea, and/or obesity. If you need a good doctor, I know about 6,000. Also,how many mothers have you kissed? Oh man, so many questions… so many questions.

Best wishes,

-lc

holiday gift guide 5.

2011-12-02T08:39:00.001-06:00

Oh, man, internetS! Only 23 shopping days left.

I'm not anywhere near done with my shopping, but I have a feeling that you all will be after this week's gift guide! I think we've covered every single person in every family out there.

What are you waiting on?! Give, give, give!

Yellow Lab Sculpture

For: The Yellow Lab Lover

Why: Because sometimes dogs die, but visitors to your home need to know that you still love yellow labs.

Bonus: It's a cute puppy!

Vase with a Face

For: The Florist

Why: Because clear vases are so overdone and well, BORING!

Bonus: I think that speaks for itself, right?! It's clearly a conversation starter that also holds flowers! I mean, I've never owned a vase that sparked a conversation, but now I can!

Giant Car Pillow

For: The Weary Traveler

Why: Because sometimes the Chevy Lumina isn't as comfortable as your bed.

Bonus: To be honest, I'm not sure there are any bonuses associated with this gift. First off, you're clearly encouraging your passenger to sleep while you drive. Second, it's very large and probably hard to store. I cannot be certain, but I do not think the precious older lady comes with the pillow, so no bonuses.

Dog Car Seat

For: The Dog Owner Concerned with Safety

Why: Because dogs are all some people have and they need to be protected while traveling in a moving vehicle.

Bonus: No more dog hair on your car seats! Now, it's all confined to the dog car seat.

Faux Fur Animal Hats

For: The Fashionista

Why: Because even stylish people get cold.

Bonus: Can be worn for high fashion purposes or in the woods for hunting.

Wedding Ring Sculpture

For: The Newlyweds

Why: Because newlyweds are hard to shop for!

Bonus: A constant reminder to the newlyweds to take their vows seriously. Double bonus! It's also a vase.

Panckae Bean Bag

For: The Funky Foodie who Likes Sitting on the Floor

Why: Because bean bags are ugly!

Bonus: Comes with butter pillows!

crimmas decor.

2011-12-01T09:24:00.001-06:00

Hey bloggers!

Well, the Season is officially here, right? Can you believe it's the first of December? I can't! I'm one of those crazies that just refuses to celebrate Christmas until giving Thanksgiving its proper props, but let me tell you, at midnight on Black Friday, I'm sooooooo ready to get my Christmas on! Am I right?!

Anyway. It never feels like Christmas until I've decorated my home. Again... am I right?!

If I know my readers, like I think I know my readers they are saying, "I wonder how LC decorated this year? She's so fab!" And well...wait no longer! This is post you've been dying to read!

The roommates and I turned on some Christmas tunes (Mariah, Amy Grant-- DUH) and got to work! It took a little while, but it was totally worth it to feel this homey during the most joyful time of the year!

We started off by picking up these trees and candles from the floor. Hard to believe they had been sitting in a corner for almost a year! Oopsies! But, now they are right back where they belong: FOCAL PIECE.

We really love our sink area, so we wanted to really accentuate it. I feel like the red wreath really pulls out the warmth of the wood cabinets.

OMG. This photo kills me! If you look closely you can see the reflection of the wreath in the microwave. Who knew I was a professional photographer?! :p

We've been known to sit around the ole piano and sing some carols, so obvi we needed to make it as festive as possible. But, at the same time the piano is beautiful on its own. After a heated debate we decided this simple star was perfect! I was originally against it (I wanted to wrap the piano in teddy bear wrapping paper), but after seeing this photo: LOVE.

Close up of the star. I DIE. If you look in the background you can see the trees in the kitchen. It really pulls everything together!

(CLICK ON THE PHOTO TO MAKE LARGER)
And TADA! Here's the whole kit-and-kaboodle! (Please excuse our mess! We had a leak and it needed to air out!) I love walking into my home after a long day at the office now! It just feels so warm and festive!

Ok, lovely ladies! Don't be shy! What'd you think? What are you doing to decorate this year? Old stuff? New stuff? Spill it, gUrls!!!

holiday gift guide 4.

2011-11-25T08:30:00.000-06:00

It's black Friday, internetS, but you already knew that. And you probably don't have to go stand in line at JC Penney this morning, because you've been taking advice from this web log and buying thoughtful gifts for your loved ones for weeks now.

You're welcome.

Cat Tree

For: The Cat Lover/Tree Lover

Why: Because cat people are people, too

Bonus: Durability. This tree can last for years and years. Double bonus? Fabulous conversation piece.

Giant Gummy Worm

For: The Gummy Worm Lover

Why: Because it's fun and filling.

Bonus: If you get this little treat for the main man in your life, you probably won't be cooking dinner for at least three days!

Lotus Flower Carved Box

For: The Lotus Lover/Box Collector

Why: Because when someone needs (or wants) a box, you want to give them a decorative one.

Bonus: It's a pretty box AND it's a flower!

Candle Shadow Projector

For: The Modern Art Lover

Why: Because who wants a boring ole painting, anyway?

Bonus: Warmth.

no, thank you.

2011-11-21T09:35:00.001-06:00

I'm about to get all THANKFUL up in herrre (up in herrre).

Oh, snap! Let's get our thankful on.

I never want to grow weary of being able to reflect on the incredibly fortunate and full life that I lead.

So, in kind of a particular order I am thankful for...

My nephew. That kid ain't ugly.

My family. They quit asking questions.

My friends. Both at home and away.

My church. The Gospel is real.

My roommates. They are good people.

My job. They keep paying me.

DVR. I want to meet the man that invented DVR and shake his hand.

the InternetS. Keeps me on my toes.

The Arkansas Razorbacks. Forever. And always.

Hour hour. Truly happy.

Books. What if I could only entertain myself with Bravo TV?

*I am also thankful for: g-chat, pizza, vodka, cameras, the presidents, America, calculators, cookies, weather that doesn't suck, shampoo, sweatpants, chap stick, vision, hearing, my working legs, electricity, indoor plumbing, brake lights, coffee, good music, colors, watches, Friday afternoons, stress balls, people who volunteer to drive to places, dentists, fishing shirts, wallabees, fleece vests, and water.

*This list is not all inclusive.

Also, it wasn't listed on here, but I'm incredibly thankful for the saving and redeeming Grace of Jesus Christ.

holiday gift guide 3.

2011-11-18T08:14:00.001-06:00

As we inch closer and closer to Christmas morning this gift guide becomes more and more important. Let's not hold out on the thoughtfulness any longer!

Giant Folding Lawn Chair

For: The Tailgater

Why: Because sometimes tailgating is fun, but not comfortable. With this giant (ass) chair, it can now be both.

Bonus: You can snuggle with up to three (small) adults in this chair.

Remote Control Cooler

For: The Alcoholic

Why: Let's be honest, if someone is drunk the last thing you want them doing is moving around. With this gift the cooler comes to them!

Bonus: It spins! Could double as entertainment.

Giant Couch for Dogs

For: The Crazy Dog Lover

Why: Because crazy people like to cuddle with their dogs.

Bonus: It comes with a bone pillow!

Bald Eagle Wall Decor

For: The American

Why: Because Americans needs a way to tell people, "I'm American dammit!" without playing Toby Keith songs on a loop.

Bonus: Could double as a coat rack, if hung low enough.

Panda Rain Gauge

For: Those Obsessed with Collecting Rain

Why: I honestly do not know why I would buy this for anyone, but that doesn't mean that you don't know someone, right?!

Bonus: Proceeds from your purchase go towards the World Wildlife Fund.

Amazing Rainbow Projector

For: The Rainbow Lover

Why: Because sometimes is just doesn't rain enough and you need to see a rainbow to be reminded of God's promises.

Bonus: Turn on the rainbows with a wave of your hand for extra magical appeal

all the single ladies.

2011-11-17T11:10:00.001-06:00

I am just barely into my 28^th year of life and Iam single.

That’s not a rare statement, a sad statement or a statementthat makes me all that unique. But, throw that statement around in the South ina community of predominantly Christian people and it becomes rare, sad andunique.

All at once your eyes meet those of someone else who mightbe married (let’s be honest, it’s likely they are) and you can see the wheelsturning. You can tell they are sad, confused… weirded out, even. But, why? Ididn’t say, “I’m 28, single AND I’venever known love. I have no family, no friends. All of my food comes frozen ina box and my television is always on Lifetime.” So, why? Why the horror?

Lately, I’ve noticed that when I meet new people the firstthing they ask me is not what I do for a living or where I am from or went toschool, but, “are you married?” As if the answer to that question is going togive them any insight into my personality or soul. As if the answer to thatquestion defines who I am as a person or can explain to them why I think I ameven on this Earth in the first place.

I’ve never met anyone who’s said, “Hey! I’m married!” andthought now, this is a gUrl I want to befriends with! That statement tells me one thing and one thing only: youhave found a person who has committed their life to you. I guess I could inferthat you probably spend most of your evenings with that person and that yourholiday schedules often produce stressful situations, where mine typically donot. My holiday time is split between the dinner table and the couch/a marathonof some crime show like Law & Orderor Criminal Minds, which actually canbe somewhat stressful, so there’s that.

I guess I just don’t understand why people ask that questionbefore any other question. I would like to think that the question-asker sawme, thought DAY-UM, my son/brother/cousin/co-worker would loveher, I must find out if she’s married, but I’m afraid that’s never thecase. People just ask the question and look at me as if I told them the saddeststory they have ever heard or like we suddenly have nothing to talk about.

Here’s some breaking news: being single and 28-years-old isnot the saddest story ever. I mean, it’snot the most thrilling story ever, either, but it works.

I lead a happy, joyful life. I have friends—some of them areeven married. I have a job that I enjoy. I pay my own bills. I do my own taxes.I take my car in for routine maintenance. I do all of these things on my own and they have never once caused me tothink I am worthless or sad. I mean, I have definitely thought my husband is so going to take overvacuuming out this car. And I’veeven thought I so cannot wait for someoneelse to cook the bacon on a Saturday morning. But, that’s about it.

Maybe I am uniquebecause when I went to college I went with the intention of getting aneducation and graduating. I graduated without a ring on my finger. Iaccomplished one goal, so I moved on to another: get a job; get off The Reg’sbankroll. I did that without a ring on my finger, so I set other goals. Thispattern has continued. Is it that weirdthat a goal of mine isn’t marriage?Is it weird that to me marriage is something I hope for and pray for, but not something I’ve ever had on a to-dolist? Is it weird that with each year that passes I continue to set other goalsfor myself and continue to live what I consider to be a normal, fulfillinglife? Maybe that is sad to some people?

I think it should be noted that when I answer your marriagequestion with a strong, “no” that’s not the time to say, “Well, why not?”People! Come on! I am not in charge of this thing. If it were up to me Iwould’ve married a former youth minister turned millionaire at least two yearsago.

[An aside: I also love when the marriage question isfollowed by the dating question and it gets real awkward real fast, so I alwayssay, “Well, there was this boy…” when in reality there was a boy, like two years ago. Or in actuality Ihave a crush on some boy’s Facebook profile, so I just pretend there was this boy in order to make theperson think I’m normal.]

Let’s also get out there that I love married people. I lovepeople who long to get married and aren’t married. I love that people gotmarried at 19. I am not a hater of the covenant between two people committed tosplitting the cooking and doing the dishes.

I’m just a hater of the people who refuse to believe thatlife can be lived and people can be happy without someone around to help foldthe towels.

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s more of a plea for a personto quit looking at me like being single is a choice and marriage is a right.

It’s not and it’s not.

Reaching out: If you think you may be one of those peoplewho do this, I’m here to help.

You can talk to single people about ALL kinds of differentthings. You can ask where they grew up, where they live, etc.; you cancompliment them on their hair or outfit and follow that up by asking them wherethey bought the outfit or where they get their hair cut. If you live in Dallasyou can almost always say, “How about them Cowboys?” Depending on the week andthe previous game, you need to ask the question with excitement or by rollingyour eyes.

Other topics that are always transferable between singlesand marrieds: puppies, baking, wine, coffee, traffic, Apple products, shoes,airport security, books, the Kardashians, YouTube videos, the Today Show, goodrestaurants and birthdays.

holiday gift guide: 2.

2011-11-10T11:58:00.000-06:00

If you missed my gift guide from last week, scroll down.

Who knew it was possible to find so many great and thoughtful gifts on the internetS? I'll be honest: I did. I don't remember the last Crimmas gift I purchased for someone in an actual store. If you can't buy it off the internetS, you don't need it. The same mantra rings true for Wal-Mart. If Wal-Mart doesn't have it, you don't need it. For real though.

There are some really great items out there, kids! Do you want an extra pat on the back this year for being so freaking thoughtful with your gift-giving?

If you answered 'yes' check out the following items...

Detroit Skyline Photo on Canvas

For: The Detroit Lover

Why: Because what city in America needs more love than Detroit? Maybe Cleveland. So, if you love Detroit, you need to shout it from your living room or bedroom walls.

Bonus: Proceeds from your purchase actually go to Michigan's fledgling economy.

Germ Resistant Gloves

For: The Fear Monger

Why: Because fear mongers are annoying.

Bonus: You get to watch someone wear gloves around while they think they are being "protected" from all germs. Entertainment for decades.

Sweatpants Jeans

For: The Couch Potato

Why: Because sometimes, you really need to go to the grocery store, but can't imagine taking your sweatpants off to do it.

Bonus: Self-explanatory! They are SWEATPANTS that look like jeans!

Meerkat Sculpture

For: The Meerkat Lover

Why: It's a known fact that meerkats and meerkat lovers are difficult to shop for, so why not?

Bonus: There are three meerkats on the sculpture.

Floating Poker Table

For: The Person in Your Life who Might Have a Gambling Problem

Why: Because gambling problems sometimes force people into dark, dark places. At least this gift gets your gambler out into the sunlight every once in a while.

Bonus: You get to play poker. IN A POOL.

UV Disinfectant Wands

For: Another Fear Monger

Why: If buy somebody gloves to "protect" them from germs, you might as well take it one step further and get them this wand that kills bacteria on food.

Bonus: Looks like a light saber.

holiday gift guide.

2011-11-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

Seeing as how it's half-past Halloween and below 60 degrees in beautiful Dallas, it's clearly time for the Holidays. To me, the Holidays are for family, food and giving (and receiving). I pride myself on being a thoughtful gift giver (well, there's an anomaly, eh?).

In order to help you, the internetS, be a thoughtful gift giver this Holiday season, every Friday until Crimmas this web log will feature thoughtful gift-giving advice for every member of your family or google+ circle.

Shall we dive directly into the shallow end of the pool?

Let's dance.

Large Mouth Bass Salt and Pepper Holder

For: The Fisherman in Your Life

Why: Because you want to enjoy what your fisherman enjoys, right? And you need salt and pepper on your meat and potatoes.

Bonus: You get to eat your appropriately salted (or peppered) food AND stare down the mouth of a fake large mouth bass.

Resting Gargoyle Sculpture

For: Your Favorite Architecture Buff

Why: Because most cities in America don't have the grandiose (or even subtle) gargoyles across the tops of buildings like a lot of European buildings.

Bonus: This gargoyle looks like Europe, in your home! Classy.

Hammer/Bottle Opener

For: The Handyman in Your Life (Who Might Have a Drinking Problem)

Why: Because how many times have you, or your loved ones, been hammering something and thought, I'm hammering this thing and I'm about to open this beer. I wish this hammer could open the beer? I can tell you that the number of times this has happened to me is more than I would ever care to admit.

Bonus: Saves time. Saves money.

Martini Shaped Necklace

For: Your Favorite Classy Alcoholic

Why: Alcoholics are hard to shop for: you can't give them money and you don't want to feed their addiction. Problem solved with this gem!

Bonus: Can really class up an outfit and it's a great conversation piece.

Mobile Massage System

For: Hard Worker in Your Life

Why: Why not?! People love to relax, to feel better. People love it when a loved one says, "Hey, you look like you've had a rough day, can I work out the knots in your lower back without touching you?"

Bonus: It's mobile!

Gold-dipped Rose

For: Hard-to-Shop-For-Lady/Mom/Grandmother/Aunt

Why: Ladies love flowers, but flowers die. This says you care, you want them to know you care and that you know flowers die.

Bonus: Decor year-round.

Giant Stuffed Animals

For: A Small Child

Why: Because you don't want to spend all of your Christmas vacation listening to Elmo sing/watch him dance.

Bonus: These things double as a jungle gym, too.

the elsie awards: the winners.

2011-11-01T15:24:00.025-05:00

I tend to think of social media as my love language, so handing out awards about social media is like, my way of saying, "I really think you're very cool and your online persona speaks volumes to me." I want to be very honest about these awards: they are important and meaningful, but if you didn't win, I still think you're great, maybe just not that entertaining, you know? You not winning is NOT a personal jab at you, your Twitter feed or your lifestyle.

Oh, you didn't win? Or did you? Check out the SURPRISE ELSIE AWARDS.

Please remember: The Elsie was created to award those people in my life who are making it better. The people who are constantly striving to entertain me, inform me and shock me. The people who make me laugh, cry and shriek in terror.
And: All Elsie awards were voted on by me and are completely and totally subjective. Some categories have a runner-up. Some don't.
Note: I've done my best to compile screen shots and examples of the actual winning posts/texts/tweets, etc;

Well. Here we go.

(You can click on the photos of the awards and they'll get bigger and easier to read. What a fun trick!)

BEST MOMMY BLOG THAT DOESN'T SUCK

The most controversial category of all: The Mommy Blog. There was some stiff competition for this, but ultimately, Kerri McWilliams won out. I don't have any great reasons for this, other than: I've never read it and thought, "Yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Kerri's a great writer and her child is probably going to be a lot like me someday because her dad is an engineer, her mother is a creative teacher and she has a crazy aunt. Yes, this sets Olivia up nicely to be a lot like her crazy aunt's BFF.

Winner: Kerri McWilliams, The Olivia Story

BEST BLOG THAT DOESN'T SUCK

Winner: Catalog Living

BEST PHOTO SENT VIA TEXT
This is one of my favorite categories. I love being on the receiving end of a photo of something random or weird seen throughout someone’s day. The best photos come without any explanation, usually. But, in the case of the winner this year, there was an explanation.

Claire’s sisters put a tramp stamp on her baby. Simple, yet classic.

The runner-up was Mr. Matthew S. Wilson. His text of a mini-horse was timely and appropriate. Why appropriate? Well, it’s always appropriate to take a photo of a mini-horse. Always.

Winner: Claire Bennett Beaumont
Runner-up: Matthew S. Wilson

MOST INTERESTING TEXT
This was another fun category. But, ultimately “The Future” took this one home. Does it really need an explanation? I GOT A TEXT FROM THE FUTURE.

Katie Garton came in a close second. Her text was interesting, but also incredibly informative.

Winner: The Future
Runner-up: Katie Garton

MOST INTERESTING QUESTION ASKED VIA TEXT
This was a tough call. At the end of it all, it boiled down to what was legitimately the most interesting question. And when you think about it like that, how could Laura Brittain not win? She asked an interesting (see ABSURD) question and even used the word, ‘lil.’

Runners-up were Ryan Bowen and Jessica Dean Rutherford. Yes, Morgan did fall over while singing and she did get back up and keep on singing. And I mean, yeah Chili’s has a full bar. Duh.

Winner: Laura Brittain
Runners-up: Ryan Bowen, Jessica Dean Rutherford

BEST UNPROVOKED WALL POST
The truth in April Medina’s wall post is what put her over the top. Because, folks, somewhere a pageant baby DID just throw up. Elizabeth Suffield gets the runner-up nod because I have no idea why she wrote that on my wall.

Winner: April Medina
Runner-up: Elizabeth Suffield

BEST REPLY TO A FACEBOOK POST
Mallory Hardin wins, but only because I don’t even know the gUrl who replied to her wall post for her.

What?!

Winner: Mallory Hardin

BEST PHOTO POSTED TO FACEBOOK

Talk about a close call. I deliberated on this category longer than any other category. I mean, look at these photos.

Obviously, Ashley Festa Ariail took it home for posting this photo of Andrew G. Bruder at her wedding. This photo is too good to be true and made a few people happier than they’ve probably ever been.

Gina, Evan and Oswalt were right there, too. Gina’s photo is of a couple fighting outside of her apartment door. Evan posted his photo with the caption, “’R’ doesn’t mean ‘radio.’” And well, look at that dog. Doesn’t really look like she wants to be celebrating a new year, does it?

There's a major type on this photo. I'm too lazy to fix it. Apologies.

Winner: Ashley Festa Ariail
Runners-up: Gina Fortune, Evan Cowling, Lauren Oswalt Baber

BEST @ MENTION OF @lncow
Another close call because I’m vain and anybody who has ever mentioned me on Twitter was nominated. For multiple reasons, this category is a tie! The first in the history of the Elsie Awards.

Jenessa gets half of the title because, well, we’re not that tight. We share some really good friends in common, but we’ve never spent time together alone or anything. The fact that she’d have this dream and them be courageous enough to tell the world about it is what got me. And. Look at that dream. What IS a vintage hooker? And how did I decide to dress like one? She summed it up perfectly, “Weird.”

Mr. Matthew S. Wilson gets the other half of the prize because this might be my favorite thing he’s ever tweeted. We love to karaoke and when we karaoke, we love to tweet about it. I don’t like my karaoke performances to get stale, so I brought in the Most Interesting Man in the World to sing with me on a song. Matt took a photo, tweeted and he wins because of it. Brilliant!

Winners: Jenessa Bailey, Matthew S. Wilson

BEST TWITTER REPLY
The hands down winner of this category was Morgan Stallings. The best part about her reply was that, the tweet wasn’t originally to her and then, she drug me into it because she knew I’d pee on myself thinking about it.

@abbydecicco was @laurabrittain’s roommate once upon a time. @laurabrittain doesn’t respond to text messages, so @abbydecicco went to Twitter to get some answers. @morganstallings chimed in and the rest is Elsie history.

Side note: That’s all a true story. We did throw her a party. She wasn’t able to attend. It got real awkward when people showed up and I had to say, “Brittain already left.”

Winner: Morgan Stallings

MOST INTERESTING TWEET
John Quincy Adams ran away with this one! I’ve been analyzing this tweet for months and I still cannot figure out what it means. A frozen flesh market?! Is that a dating service?

Second place goes to Elizabeth Garton. She shows no shame.

Winner: John Quincy Adams
Runner-up: Elizabeth Garton

BEST AT CITING QUOTES OVER TWITTER
Yet another close one.

I didn’t mean for this category to refer to citing things that I say, but it kind of ended up that way. Overall, Andrew G. Bruder does this best. He knows exactly what should and shouldn’t be tweeted and he does it so fast and usually under the table so that no one sees him doing it.

April Medina comes in a close second, but she doesn’t tweet enough to knock Bruder off.

Winner: Andrew G. Bruder
Runner-up: April Medina

BEST RT
This one caused some drama in my head, but ultimately James Gardner took it home because he used the “Classic RT” option and added in his thoughts versus the new RT option. Who follows the Waffle House on Twitter anyway?

Austin’s RT was so, so classic though. Why is Rick Warren tweeting about Tupac? I don’t know, but I’m glad Austin let me know that he was.

Winner: James Gardner
Runner-up: Austin Ariail

MOST INTERESTING LINKS SHARED VIA SOCIAL MEDIA
A battle to the very end with this one. Each of these people provide me with relevant and interesting things to look at/watch on the internetS. I narrowed it down to Jon Wasson and Natalie Jagers for the amount of links that they post.

Choosing between the two was difficult. Jon’s links provoke thought, more often than not, but also confusion and sometimes anger. I do not count the anger against him because that’s a heart issue, not an internetS issue.

Natalie’s links are usually a little more light, airy and funny. But, sometimes they are super artsy, out of my league and over my head. I do not count this against her because I need to be more interested in design and curtain details, right? Someday I might want to hang curtains somewhere.

Natalie wins because one time, she posted a link to, “What My Little Pony Personality Are You?” Sealed the deal for me.

Winner: Natalie Jagers
Runner-up: Jon Wasson

BEST USE OF # NOW USED IN EVERYDAY LANGUAGE
You’ll recall in the official Elsie Award rules that: I make the rules. I choose the winners.

#realtalk takes this category home.

Though, “#lovewins,” “#nuance” and “#thecharliedunn” are interjected into my conversations often, none of them provide the clarity or the gravity that #realtalk does.

I’ve even found myself saying, “real talk” in the middle of conversations so people know I’m not just telling jokes.

#lovewins probably comes in a close second, only because #wassonwedding was only introduced about a week before the actual Wasson wedding and did finally trend itself out a few days following the event.

However, in my heart, #womensfinalfour blew every other hash tag out of the water.

Winner: #realtalk
Runner-up: #lovewins
Should Have Won: #womensfinalfour

CRAZIEST NIGHT OUT ACCORDING TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Let’s review the rules one more time: I make the rules.

I whole-heartedly participated in each of the three nominated evenings.

The Jim Lee Experience was a random evening out amongst four friends who thought they were going to an early dinner and then home. It turned into an evening of going to every place in Dallas I had ever wanted to go to. Look at that map. That’s a lot of places. We tweeted about the night and got a lot of replies and questions. It created a lot of jealousy and traction. It was a great, great night. Probably one of my best ever in Dallas.

But…it was not comparable to Ryan Bowen’s 27th Birthday evening on any level. Again, an evening that was supposed to be an early (like, 5:30 pm on a Thursday, early) dinner turned into a debacle involving: walking, cupcakes, acorns falling on heads, tobacco, karaoke, falling down, flat bills, work clothes, Jordin Sparks and a 1:30 am curtain call for all of us. It was one for the ages. Also, the next day Morgan Stallings and me were featured in a local Dallas publication singing karaoke. Hello, paparazzi!

It should be noted that the Wasson Wedding was one of the most fun weddings I have ever attended. It was sweet, beautiful, featured a great band, great food, good drinks and some of my most favorite people in the world. But, here’s the catch: it wasn’t ‘crazy.’ It was fun and respectable. And the only embarrassing thing that happened was Laura Brittain falling down while dancing. Oops.

Winner: Ryan Bowen’s 27th Birthday
Runner-up: The Jim Lee Experience

BEST OVERALL SOCIAL MEDIA PERSONALITY
When these two were originally nominated, I thought the competition was going to be pretty stiff. Turns out, it was more like a Big 10 – SEC matchup. No contest. Andrew G. Bruder walked away the winner from the beginning, I just couldn’t see it because sometimes, Laura Brittain tweets brilliance. And sometimes, she takes photos of hilarious things. But, overall? It’s Bruder. It’s always been Bruder.

Bruder is the king of internetS.

Here are a few of the tagged photos of Bruder on Facebook. Gold.

And check out his tweets. He uses Twitter to encourage, to humble, to share information…all the things one should use Twitter for. He doesn’t over-tweet and like I said earlier, he can tweet something someone said faster than anyone I have ever been to dinner with.

Yes, Andrew Bruder has the Best Overall Social Media Personality, but he’s that way in real life, too. Bruder is the most loyal person I’ve ever met and he’s generous. And kind. And the boy can dance. I could write a novel about the dude.

And so goes it.

These are your Elsie Award Winners.

SURPRISE ELSIE AWARDS

dear brian phillips.

2011-10-26T07:55:00.007-05:00

Yesterday, I shared a link to an article by one, Mr. Brian Phillips. The article, "Tim Tebow, Converter of the Passes," was published on Grantland.com and captured my attention for various reasons, but has now kept my attention because of the gravity of Brian's claims/accusations/questions. My heart sank when I read his tweet advertising his new article, "On @Grantland33, my new piece on whether Tim Tebow's W-L record actually *is* a referendum on the existence of God."

So, this is a letter to Mr. Phillips.

Dear Brian,

I hope I can call you Brian. You can call me Lauren, even though most people don't. I read your article on Tim Tebow yesterday and felt compelled to write. If I were a betting woman (which, if I'm anywhere near a casino, I would classify myself as one), I'd guess that this is somewhere around the thousandth e-mail you've gotten on your article. I want you to know first and foremost, I'm not going to tell you that you are stupid or going to Hell (though you might be). I don't want to throw anything at you and I don't want you to think that I am a member of the Tea Party or a Michele Bachmann supporter. I am neither. I am a "churchgoer" for whatever that's worth and will readily admit that the Lord took hold of my heart long ago, which is why I'm bothering to write this in the first place (go back to my first point, I'm writing to tell you about Jesus, NOT to tell you that you're stupid).

Let’s dive in. I pray (yes, I said it) that this all makes sense.

To begin, I’ll address your tweet. Tim Tebow’s win-loss record is absolutely not a referendum on the existence of God. It’s not a referendum of any kind, actually. To suggest that Tebow’s success has something to do with his beliefs is to suggest that God cares about football and specifically cares about Tebow’s passing percentage and I want to assure you that He does not. If God cared about such things, I would have to assume that my high school basketball team would have been much more successful.

“What can a sloppily thrown 15-yard out pattern tell us about God and country?” Brian, I’m not sure it can tell us anything. I think, more than anything, a sloppily thrown 15-yard out pattern can only tell us just that— it was a sloppily thrown pass. I mean, I really thought about that question and I could not see the correlation to God, country and being a successful football player. And I really love God and America.

“As a result, it's basically impossible not to see Tebow's ability or inability to complete a 15-yard out pattern to Matt Willis as a referendum on the Book of Deuteronomy.” Now, I have to ask you, Brian, how much time have you spent studying the book of Deuteronomy? I have been a part of the Church since birth and I have spent very little time in it. I’m assuming you chose this book because it’s kind of a funny word? But, let me again take the stance that Tebow’s ability or inability to complete a pass is NOT a referendum on anything, including: God and the book of Deuteronomy. And again, to imply that this is a referendum at all seems a bit much. Are you really planning on putting this issue to a popular vote?

I hope I haven’t lost my audience yet (I’m talking to you, Brian).

“For about three quarters, Tebow floundered, and it looked like the Living Water Bible Church out on Route 17 was wrong about pretty much everything.” Is Living Water Bible Church a real church? I don’t know what they preach there, but again— I can’t see how Tebow’s abilities on the football field have anything to do with what they say between the opening and closing hymns. It’s never good to judge a church’s doctrine/theology on how one believer acts (or plays in a football game). You should compare a church’s doctrine to the Gospel.

Brian, you kind of made me chuckle when you poked fun at the believers who always seem to interject the Lord into post-game interviews. I don’t like it either most of the time. Because most of the time, these people are only thanking the Lord for good things. Or they are proclaiming His name after a victory, but never again in any sort of context. It’s very frustrating.

“The evangelical movement spends a lot of money and time coaching its kids on how to confront secular culture, but the kids don't usually reach a position at which they can confront it on a national-media scale — not as kids, anyway.” I guess I’m a part of the “evangelical movement” you’re speaking of, but I don’t like the connotation that comes with that phrase. I grew up in church, youth group, FCA, all of that and I’m not sure I was ever “coached on how to confront secular culture.” It was more like I was encouraged to get to know the Lord and then that relationship would help propel me through the waters of life. You know what I’m saying? To suggest that churches spend a lot of money on this is just silly. Most churches don’t have a lot of money and if they are a church that practices their beliefs they are probably not spending their money burning secular books or music or “confronting” secular movements. For me, it’s not about confronting secular culture; it’s about the value I place on secular things versus the value I place on my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Let’s put it out there—Tim Tebow is kind of a polarizing guy. Personally, I don’t think any of it has to do with his belief in the Lord, either. I mean, look at him— he over celebrates, screams, makes ridiculous speeches and in college, beat everybody, all the time. That’s why he annoys me. I don’t think it’s fair for you to suggest that people root for or against him based on his beliefs. If you really broke it down most people root for or against him based on whether or not they think he’s annoying.

I went to the University of Arkansas and don’t care for any other team in the SEC. It’s the burden I bear. When Tebow was in college I didn’t like him. I liked that he wasn’t shy about his faith, but severely disliked him on the football field (and off it, too). I hate that he beat Darren McFadden out for the Heisman and hate that he would celebrate like he just won the World Series after a three-yard-run deep into the first quarter. You’ll note that I think he’s annoying because of his personality and not that he loves the Lord. I’m a Christian and I think other Christians (and people, in general) can be and sometimes are annoying. It’s my burden to bear. It’s also an issue with MY heart and not the other person, usually.

“I'm sure there are people who manage to escape the demographic rooting pattern this creates. But in broad strokes, it's fair to say that how you feel about Tebow depends on how you feel about youth groups and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and, I don't know, WWJD bracelets and raft retreats with a lot of bonfires and swaying.” This is such a loaded statement, Brian. Why in the world would someone who likes or dislikes Tebow also like or dislike Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Why, Brian? Tim Tebow was not in my youth group and was never involved any “raft retreats” I chose not to go on. Yes, that’s right. My youth group took float trips and I didn’t go on them. It’s not fair for you to say that Tim Tebow is a “whole culture.” What does that even mean? I'm not modeling my life after Tim Tebow.

Tebow completing a pass may well be a miracle (I’ve seen his throwing motion), but it’s not in any way comparable to Jesus turning water into wine.

Admittedly, I get kind of lost towards the end of your article. I know what you’re trying to say, but I don’t really follow.

I’ll just address a few things: there is a higher power involved in the universe. God created the universe and he’s still involved in it. Tebow’s successful two-point conversion does NOT prove that Jesus rose from the dead on the third day. Just like Josh Hamilton not hitting any home runs in the first five games of the World Series doesn’t prove anything about Jesus either.

What if the free-safety that picked Tebow off is a believer? Does that mean that God favors one believer over another? NO, Brian, it does not. You know why? Because God does not care about football. He just doesn’t. He cares about Tim Tebow’s heart and the way Tim Tebow lives his life, just like the way He cares about my heart and the way I live my life. He cares about your heart and the questions you have. He does not care about football. If God really cared about football, he’d put a little more oomph in the Arkansas Razorbacks’ offensive line.

Brian, you’ll notice I didn’t pound scripture down your throat (because to you scripture is not the living word of God, it’s just words) or tell you that you’re stupid, but I do want to tell you that you’ve got it all wrong. God is not a trivial God. God is a big God that can convert 15-yard out patterns in the same way that he can convert hearts. And Brian, I pray that some of your “religious” friends will start praying for your heart and that God will open up your eyes to the scoreboard more when watching football, because if you’re watching football to answer life’s big questions, well, like I said, you’ve got it all wrong.

God wants your heart. Not your touchdowns.

To further displace your beliefs I am going to forsake signing this e-mail with something like, “Captivated by HIS grace,” and opt for something simpler.

Peace be with you, Brian.

Sincerely,

Lauren

linkage.

2011-10-25T14:57:00.002-05:00

I think, like, a long time ago blogs started off as a way to pass on information to the masses. Let's all pretend like it's 1998.

Check out this story on Tim Tebow from Grantland.com.

This is a pretty decent article. Meaning, it kept my interest. However, it made me really sad, too. This author clearly doesn't know Jesus or even a little bit about how He works.

Rick Perry is becoming even more of an idiot? That should be the title of this piece from the NY Times.

Two things I love? g-chat and New York Magazine. This article starts off with a g-chat conversation and the rest of it is a mildly* interesting look at the generation I think I am a part of. I never know what generation I am in. However, I know I am not a baby boomer. Should count for something?

*Mildly meaning more interesting than not.

my mother was born.

2011-10-24T09:49:00.002-05:00

Many years ago on this day in the quaint town of Nashville, Arkansas my mother was born.

Because of this fact, I am here today. But, I am more than just present because of my mother's birth. I tend to get my looks from her (Evidenced below. I know what I'll look like in a few years.), my creative side comes from her, the small part of me that is a 'people person' comes from her and my naturally beautiful singing voice is definitely a gift from her, although most people would say it's gift from God.

Seriously, my mom is a great lady, who does a lot of great things. I don't think I know anyone as passionate about her job as my mother and I don't know anyone who can destroy bake and break cookies like she can. But, the effort is there.

Happy burrday, biological! I am glad you're alive.

overheard.

2011-10-19T08:32:00.002-05:00

About four mornings a week I watch/listen to the Today Show as I'm getting ready. I do a lot of shuffling between the television and my bathroom, constantly rewinding and turning up the volume, while thinking did they just say what I think they said.

This morning was no different.

I was listening to a reporter analyze the terribleness of the latest GOP debate and Rick Perry's use of the word "brother," when they cut to the news desk to report on President Obama's bus tour of North Carolina.

Apparently, POTUS stopped at a high school in Virginia yesterday on his way back to DC. He was greeted by a group of students and upon introducing themselves they immediately asked him about Justin Beiber. Hold the damn phone. The President of the (freaking) United States of America just shook your hand and you go with a Justin Beiber opener?

I don't care who you are, how old you are (which, these kids looked to be at least 16 or 17) or what you're political beliefs are: when you meet the President and he says, "ask me anything," you do NOT talk about Justin Beiber. Hell, at least ask about Kate Middleton. That's kind of in the realm of foreign policy and 2/9th political.

The Today Show reporter describing the event, no joke, described it as a "giggle fest." A. GIGGLE. FEST.

This is the future of our country.

The future of our country doesn't have enough sense to know that even Lady Gaga is politically minded and they could've asked about that. They don't even know that Justin Beiber isn't even a US citizen.

A giggle fest.

This is America.

Bless it.

the elsie awards: mommy blogs.

2011-10-14T12:08:00.002-05:00

Because I am willing to admit I can be a giant asshole and because I don't want to start a riot or offend any number of my friends who enjoy the fruits of motherhood, please send me your nominations for: BEST MOMMY BLOG THAT DOESN'T SUCK.

elsieawards@gmail.com

Do it, ok?

elsie awards: people's choice(s).

2011-10-13T09:36:00.002-05:00

The Elsie Awards are broadening its horizons and want you to join in. That's right it's

THE ELSIE AWARDS PEOPLE's CHOICE(S), y'all!

What does that mean? Well, it means you submit your choices for the following categories:

MOST INTERESTING FACEBOOK ALBUMS: I think this one speaks for itself. Hopefully.

BEST BLOG THAT DOESN'T SUCK: Again, this should speak for itself. If you send me a link to a blog that has a baby on a couch holding a number, it will NOT win.

And of course, you're welcome to submit any other categories or write-in nominations that you wish. I cannot guarantee they will be considered, but send away. Also, try to send me a link to your nominees, or at least some sort of reason for picking whatever you pick.

Send all nominations to: elsieawards@gmail.com

humble brag.

2011-10-11T10:19:00.003-05:00

The humble brag.

You know it. And you love it.

Maybe the phrase escapes you, but you're following. It's the brag where somebody subtly, yet totally, brags about something they've done. A simple, "Oh, I dropped 10 pounds and I haven't changed a thing! I guess I'm stressed." Yeah right. "Y'all, the silliest thing just happened! I was in line at Target and an agent gave me his card and told me I should be a model! Is that not hilarious?" Humble. Brag.

I'd like to take a few moments to do some humble bragging of my own.

One of my very best friends in the whole entire world/ favorite human to ever walk, Jessica Dean Rutherford, got the call and has been bumped up to everyday anchor for KARK4 in Little Rock. That's right, she's batting clean-up for the 6 and 10pm shows and I couldn't be more thrilled. Or proud. I know few people who have this much talent, yet work as hard as Dean does. I will humble brag the shit out of Jessica Dean and not think twice about it.

Check out her new promo video!

the elsie awards (year 2).

2011-10-06T14:41:00.007-05:00

After the success of the inaugural Elsie Awards last year, they are back. They might not better or bigger or badder, but damn it: they are here.

Originally, The Elsie was created to award those people in my life who are making it better. The people who are constantly striving to entertain me, inform me and shock me. The people who make me laugh, cry and shriek in terror.

All Elsie awards were voted on by me and are completely and totally subjective. My awards, my rules.

**And new this year, SURPRISE categories will be announced the day winners are announced for the following categories.

And the nominees are...

BEST PHOTO SENT VIA TEXT

Claire Bennett Beaumont

Matthew S. Wilson

Laura Brittain

Jordan Short

MOST INTERESTING TEXT

Katie Garton

Future

MOST INTERESTING QUESTION ASKED VIA TEXT

Jessica Dean

Ryan Bowen

Laura Brittain

BEST UNPROVOKED WALL POST

April Medina

Evan Cowling

Elizabeth Suffield

Elizabeth Garton

BEST REPLY TO A FACEBOOK POST

Mallory Hardin

Lauren Lee Lashlee

BEST PHOTO POSTED TO FACEBOOK

Gina Fortune

Lauren D. Pardue

Evan Cowling
Ashley Festa Ariail

BEST @ MENTION OF @lncow

Jenessa Bailey

Matthew S. Wilson

Lauren D. Pardue

Brittany Mayes

Elizabeth Garton

BEST TWITTER REPLY

Morgan Stallings

Laura Brittain

BEST AT USING TWITTER AND CITING QUOTES

Andrew G. Bruder

April Medina

Elizabeth Garton

Laura Brittain

Matthew S. Wilson

MOST INTERESTING TWEET

John Quincy Adams

Elizabeth Garton

BEST RT

James Gardner
Austin Ariail

BEST USE OF A HASHTAG (#) THAT IS NOW USED IN EVERYDAY LANGUAGE

#lovewins

#nuance

#wassonwedding

#realtalk

#womensfinalfour
#thecharliedunn

CRAZIEST NIGHT OUT ACCORDING TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Bowen’s 27^th Birthday

Jim Lee Experience

Wasson Wedding

MOST INTERESTING LINKS SHARED VIA SOCIAL MEDIA

Natalie Jagers

Jon Wasson

Hillary Rector

Adrian Ramos

BEST OVERALL SOCIAL MEDIA PERSONALITY

Andrew G. Bruder

Laura Brittain

dream world.

2011-10-03T08:00:00.003-05:00

I've never really been one that's interested (on any level) in mythical creatures, people, places or things. So, I've never been interested in mythical nouns, I guess. I gave up on Santa at the age of six and I have never seen "Star Wars," "Lord of the Rings," or "Harry Potter." This is my burden to bear.

Some people see this as a lack of imagination or creativity on my part and that's great, I just consider myself a real realist. Anyway. I digress.

Lately, I've been throwing the phrase "dream world" around a lot. I've never been much of a daydreamer, but lately it seems like all I do.

Let's break it down.

In my dream world, Obama isn't running this country like my junior high student council ran ole Gardner Junior High. There's a small part of me that like feels I'm doing a disservice to my junior high student council by comparing them to Obama's administration. But, it's all I could think of. In that same dream world though, people are not running around screaming, "You can keep your hope and change!" anymore either. I mean, things are bad, but are they really so bad that we don't want to even hope? If we're still cruising along in this alternate reality, Ron Paul isn't crazy and he doesn't want to completely disband the entire government. He also doesn't say crazy shit and he gets some more media play and ends up being somebody's secretary of something or other. Not sure he's the president in my dream world, but the man's not entirely off-base in his beliefs. I said not entirely, meaning, he's about 90% off-base, 5% on target and 5% terrifying.

Also in my dream world: the Kardashians work for a living, Mindy Kaling calls me for advice, the Arkansas Razorbacks have an offensive line and a running game again, Dallas is closer to Arkansas (but, still just as far, when I need it to be), every Friday is a half-day, stupid people don't have children (or cars, for that matter), pizza is free and my friends always carry cash.

All God's people said "amen."

Amen.

book review: How to Be a Reasonably Thin Teenage Girl: Without Starving, Losing Your Friends, or Running Away from Home.

2011-09-28T15:46:00.002-05:00

First off, stop right there: yes, this is a real book.

And no, I don't know why you didn't know about it in junior high, but you do now.

This gem of a book touts chapters like, "How'd you get so fat anyway?" "How fat are you?" and "Fifty ways to lose your blubber." It's a winner and if you read it, you'll be a winner, too.

Written by an "ex-fatty" this classic piece of non-fiction really digs in to the battles of dieting/ being really fat. What's even better about this book is that the author offers up ideas on how to maintain a social life while dieting and she encourages the reader to NOT run away from home.

The book was written in 1975 and I haven't run away from home yet, so at least that part is helpful.

re-post.

2011-09-27T14:16:00.001-05:00

If you missed my post about something awesome I already posted about, you can go find it in the archives. Or like, scroll down or something.

where i shop.

2011-09-23T15:27:00.004-05:00

People are always blogging about where they shop.

In turn, people are always like, "gUrl, where do you shop?"

Well, internetS, wait no more. Want to get like me? Here you go.

Where do I spend a lot of money and they definitely know my name? PK's Fine Wine and Spirits. I mostly go for the spirits.

Looking for me between 5:05 pm and 5:25pm on a Monday, Wednesday or Thursday? Try the local Kro-Gay at Cedar Springs and Douglas. I spend more time there wondering if they'll start stocking egg whites than you could ever fathom. I would guess that at least, 3/8 of each paycheck is spent at Kroger.

I guess, technically, I don't "shop" at Exxon, but I sure as hell do spend a lot of money there. I might get "Tiger Marrrt" tattooed on my lower back to prove my loyalty sooner than later.

When I want to hate myself or eat really good food that feels like I actually cooked it-- I go here. I'm probably at Eatzi's 3 days a week. If you want to meet a nice yuppy man, you should venture in. If you want to meet a gay man who likes fancy cheese, you should venture in.

Well, you've seen where I shop.

60.

2011-09-14T08:18:00.003-05:00

Like most people, I was born to a father and a mother.

My father, The Reg, happens to be turning 60 today. 60! That age used to sound so old to me and even now it seems a little odd that I'm old enough to have a dad who is 60, but The Reg acts like such a young whipper-snapper, you'd never know!

I feel like I've written tons and tons about The Reg on here, so I'll spare you, but just know-- if I had gotten any of Reggie's actual brains and skills this blog would not exist. He's so left brain oriented I sometimes wonder if he has a right side to his brain. But, he's wonderful and the best 60-year-old dad there ever was.

Before 60.

My BFF.

The Reg is also the greatest 60-year-old grandfather! Just call him R-Diddy!

expert advice: fashion.

2011-09-13T15:03:00.007-05:00

I hate to call myself an expert on anything because I only have a bachelor's degree and I've only been to the end of the internetS once, but pretty much I'm an expert on four to five things: Presidents, Arkansas, reality television, Shetland ponies and of course, fashion.

If I had $1.12 for every e-mail, text or phone I got concerning my wardrobe, I'd be rolling around in about $4.48 by now! So...to you, the readers of this web log, I'm just going to break down my personal style for you.

I'm only going to touch on the high points, because let's be honest: I could go on for weeks and weeks about this.

NIGHTTIME/DAYTIME/ANY OLE TIME

We begin with a look that can be worn in the nighttime, the daytime, to a birthday dinner for a friend, to your own birthday party, to daytime drinks, to anything!

Shirt: Ralph Lauren Polo-- doesn't have to be plaid.

Jeans: Gap-- These happen to be skinny.

Shoes: Toms

Optional Accessories: Sunglasses

Not Optional Accessories: Pearl earrings, watch

EVENING OUT WITH gUrlfriends

Next up is an outfit that's a great choice for a night out with your favorite gal pals.

Shirt: Vintage blouse (only one stain, not visible) found in a closet

Jeans: Gap

Shoes: Toms

CONCERT WEAR

Everyone knows a concert is the best time to try out a new outfit! The NKOTB/BSB concert was no exception for me!

Shirt: Bought at a gas station near the Grand Canyon (changes color in the sunlight)

Jeans: Gap

Shoes: Toms

And ladies, don't be afraid to accessorize! You can go from pearl to diamond earrings in a flash!

And don't be afraid to get funky! You can wear red Toms with a yellow blouse! Or plaid Toms with a plaid shirt! Just be you!

9.11.

2011-09-09T10:41:00.004-05:00

When you're a senior in high school and three weeks shy of your 18th birthday not only is the world your oyster, but you think you own that world and that you're basically immortal.

I was a stereotypical senior in high school. I was over high school, wanted to do nothing but be with my friends 24/7, I rarely studied and I thought my hometown was the tiniest place on Earth.

Everything changed that Tuesday morning though as I sat in my "Transitions to College Mathematics" class with five or six of my closest friends and watched one tower catch fire as a plane crashed into the other tower.

When our vice principal came over the intercom to make an announcement about a plane crashing into one of the World Trade Center towers, I thought, "This has to be a terrible, terrible accident," but as we turned on the television and saw another plane do the same thing just minutes later, we all knew it wasn't a terrible accident, but a terrible tragedy that was far from an accident. This happened on purpose and while it was very much a direct hit to two office buildings thousands of miles of away, only known to me because they routinely showed the NYC skyline on "Friends," it felt like it happened in my backyard.

The first period math class that was typically a circus and platform for my almost 18-year-old comedy routines turned eerily somber. This class, where even my best friend, the homecoming queen and nicest person ever born, routinely got in trouble for talking, was suddenly silent, suddenly respectful of our teacher and suddenly fearful. In an instance we seemed to go from invincible to terrified. We went from knowing everything to knowing nothing in 18 minutes.

As the bell rang and we shuffled off to our next class, we learned that a third plane had crashed into the Pentagon. At that point, I was panicked. I knew if they could get to the Pentagon, they could get anywhere. The Pentagon was a military fortress. It housed all the people and plans that protected us from events like this.

The rest of that day and week are kind of a blur, but I do remember waking up that Wednesday and feeling different. There was no sense of security in anything any more.

I think that day, more than my 18th birthday, marks my passage into adulthood. But, it was also a day that proved to me just how young and naive I was and am. I'm not invincible and never will be.

tp.

2011-09-08T09:07:00.005-05:00

I toe the line between being fiscally responsible and cheap.

I mean, I have a shirt in my closet that I bought in 10th grade. It still fits and I've worn it to work twice in the last year. That's just one example. Spending money just doesn't come super easy to me.

However, there are two areas that I absolutely refuse to skimp on: name brand toilet paper and cereal. I don't eat that much cereal, but I made a vow to myself and to my God long ago that I'd never eat (or buy) cereal out of a giant bag that can typically be found on the bottom of an aisle at the grocery store. I also refuse to drink cheap vodka, but that's a different story (and problem) entirely.

Anyway. I digress.

Back to the subject at hand: toilet paper and why I pay attention to it.

I do enjoy the finer things in life and that's why I prefer to use soft toilet paper. Since beginning to buy my own toilet paper in college I've typically been a Charmin gUrl. Sure, I've purchased Cottonelle from time to time, because hello! Have you seen that puppy on their label? And the commercials? Puppies sell shit (zing!).

However, lately Charmin has started to concern me. Ie; its commercials.

What in thee cornbread hell is up with that bear that can't properly wipe his own butt? Not only that, we have to see the mama bear come in and clean up the leftover toilet paper in baby bear's butt.

This is concerning for a number of reasons: First, why is the mama bear checking? Second, maybe she wasn't checking, maybe she just happened to notice it because the bears don't wear pants! Third, bears don't wipe their butts with toilet paper! Do they?

Maybe this is TMI for you, internetS, but personally, I think Charmin is the guilty party. What if they filmed these commercials with people instead of bears? Can you imagine? Gagsies. Have some decency, people.

As an adveritsing/marketing major in college I attempted to learn about the very subject of commercials and appealing to people in the way that after seeing an ad, said people would need said product. After seeing this commercial numerous times over the past few months the only thing I need is a barf bag.

Typically, a marketer aims to appeal to the decision maker. In most cases, the mother or children (for household items and food). I'm not a mother, but I have one and I tend to think like a child and I still cannot fathom how this appeals to anyone.

What household decision maker sees a mama bear picking toilet paper out of a baby bear's butt and decides they need that kind of toilet paper? On all things good and holy I hope zero.

[end rant.]

to the nephew.

2011-09-07T08:27:00.002-05:00

Dear Favorite Nephew,

I cannot believe you are actually, really here. I feel like we waited on you for so long, but once you got here it was like nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. That sounds dramatic considering I had absolutely nothing to do with the whole process of bringing you into the world, but someday you'll love something so much that it brings out the dramatic side in you. Don't get a big head-- I'm the same way about Franklin Pierce and the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you are wonderful and brilliant. You are perfect. I can say that because it's in the Bible.

You're young and you have a bazillion opportunities ahead of you. You can literally do and be anything you want. That seems bold because right now you can't do a single thing on your own, minus breathing, which, I imagine, is even difficult for you at times because you're a tiny human being. And yes, it's hard to take someone serious who sits around in their own poop, but soon you'll be there. You can do anything.

I know we've only known each other for 6 days so it seems like I'm coming on strong, but I'm not. I'm not coming on strong because I believe in you and I love your parents. Your parents are wonderful and kind and smart and loving. They are going to introduce you to all the right things-- Jesus, seat belts, fried chicken, toilets, hygiene, the Razorbacks and time management. I'm going to introduce you to all the right things that (some) taken out of context could seem not right-- dancing, rap music, time management (concerning the left lane), hair care, Ralph Lauren, the political genius of Abraham Lincoln, non-fiction books and written correspondence (not e-mail and not texts). I'm sure that seems like a lot considering that, as we discussed earlier, you legitimately cannot do one thing for yourself at the present moment, but hey-- you gotta start sometime, right? Right.

Anyway.

More than anything, I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved today and you were loved before you even got here. You were prayed for you and you were wanted. You are important and matchless.

I'm sorry that the first few years of your life are going to be spent in Harrison, Arkansas, but I promise to make your dad take you to see the sights in at least Branson, if not Springfield.

I love you, Nephie. Be good.

-auntie lc

bach pad: epi 5.

2011-09-06T05:40:00.004-05:00

Chris tells the gang to partner up and get to know each other because from here on out-- it's a competition built for two. This episode, it's a game!

Could Blake be any more miserable? I haven't seen a grown man in a vest sulk that much since Nick Carter's E! reality show got canceled. Erica seemed really confused by the fact that everyone partnered up so quick. I'm not sure why-- they've been partnered up since epi 2. And Blake, Erica's a lot smarter and prettier than Holly, PULL IT TOGETHER.

The pairs sit around and get to know each other. Graham doesn't know CAM's favorite color, so they devise a scheme. Kasey and Vienna know SOOOOOOOOOO much about each other, so they go to bed (this is called foreshadowing).

Oh, goody. A game show!

It's time to play the "Nearlywed Game!"

Erica doesn't think Michelle has a sense of humor and Kasey think Vienna's exes miss her teeth. How do you miss a person's teeth? Seriously, even if they're great teeth, how do you miss those?

Michael has a bigger interest in Holly than Blake and that whole situation is becoming WEIRDSIES.

Everyone hates Blake. Surprise, surprise.

About the time Graham tells everyone he lost his virginity at 7 is the same time everyone figured out they had a plan. Ding! Strategy! I'm impressed that they even thought of this and relieved because their answers for some of those questions were like, "WHOA."

Graham and Michelle win.

Good for them.

Later, Holly and Blake are flirting and drinking. Michael is wearing a sleeveless shirt. Even later, everyone is sitting around and in the distance, the sound of a helicopter is heard...the gang freaks out, as if none of them have ever been on a freakin' helicopter. Eventually, the helicopter lands in the driveway (surely, there's like an FAA code against that?) and Graham and Michelle get whisked away to a pool and a white sheet doubling as a theater screen.

Kasey and Vienna are frustrated.

They take these frustrations public.

I can't think of anything more inappropriate.

Apparently, Vienna told Kasey she'd have sex with him. But, then she didn't, so Kasey took (see: RIPPED) the ring her gave her off of her finger. Vienna explained to Kasey that "No, is no." Kasey just wants to cuddle with her. Where's the harm in that, V? Kasey tells Vienna that he's leaving if she won't cuddle with him. Finally, Vienna goes downstairs. When they show the infrared cameras, it looks like a lot more than cuddling was going on.

"This is a mansion, not a trailer park." --Erica, on Vienna

Erica clears the room to talk to Blake and she makes it very clear that it's time for Blake to get over it and get rid of Holly and Michael. Blake looks like someone stole all of his vests when he thinks about having to vote Holly off.

Erica and Blake leave and everyone sits around at dinner and talk shit about Blake. They discuss how manipulative he is, how shady he is (which is, "shady as F," according to Kirk) and how much they hate his vests. Holly stares off into the distance and thinks about Blake on his date with Erica.

On that date we learn that Erica talks to her dead friends.

How many dead friends does she have?

Erica is not subtle and she basically tells Blake she's ready to give it to him. She continues to tell him this for the next 17 minutes. You'd think she'd give up after like, 4-5 minutes. But, no. She does everything but force him into the deed. It was so uncomfortable I felt like I had a Unicorn digging into my rib cage. She gropes him, begs him and rubs him...all while wearing a tiara. In the middle of all this they learn they have two roses and they can save a couple.

For the 1,987th time Michael tells Holly that he loves her and he wants to kiss her every time he sees her. He also apologizes. Holly is sooooooooooooooooo confused.

Twenty minutes later, Erica is still trying to get a piece of Blake.

Has anyone ever looked more desperate on television? But, seriously?

Finally, Blake gives Erica the, "no means no" talk.

Ella sees herself and Kirk as a power couple, which leads me into the weekly discussion of what a power couple is and baby gUrl, it's not you and Kirk. Do you look like Faith Hill? Is Kirk Tim McGraw? No. I feel like that's the couple Ella can most relate to. She probably doesn't know who James and Dolley Madison are. Poor gUrl.

About this same time, Vienna and Kasey manipulate Blake and Erica into giving them the safe rose. They stole it right outta Ella and Kirk's sad little sob story hands.

Everyone cries.

And by everyone, I do mean Ella.

Vienna does a creepy dance with the rose. I wish I could put the video on here because it was just weird.

Michelle likes Ella, but she's not falling for the pity party. She's a single mom, too. She's had sad stuff happen to her, too. Vienna, not to be out done, makes it known that she's got a sad story, too. We can't forget Kasey! He's sad, too!

Why can't these people just be real with it? Just be all like, "Dude, I just want the 250k." What's it matter why some needs it? I could use 250k. Who couldn't? Shit, the United States Government could use 250k.

Blake and Holly cuddle up (not like Kasey and Vienna) and kiss. Michael sees it. He's sad. He then asks Holly to vote Blake off. Holly cries and goes and sits in the shower to write Blake a note about how sad she is that he's leaving.

"Blake definitely violated man code." --Graham

That's because he's a little baby!

Finally, the crying stops and Holly votes.

She votes the baby Blake off. She cries some more.

Erica is PIST (see: pissed).

"Tonight was a great injustice." --Erica

Erica, do you know what that word means? This is NOT a good example of an injustice. It's not even in the same realm. Like, it's an injustice that you used the word injustice to describe this situation.

Blake saves the note from Holly.

I wish that the Bachelor Pad house would implode.

bachelor pad: epi 4.

2011-08-30T06:10:00.004-05:00

Oh, thank God! We got to hear Jake's exit speech. And double bonus: Kasey, for the 19th time, said, "Kick rocks, dude," and of course, "I'm gonna punch him. This is for my girlfriend. This is for America!" That's the kind of guy we need on our Olympic team. He knows what America stands for. Clearly. Go America!

Then, we have a kissing contest.

GAG.

Seriously though.

Blake won. Ella won.

Blake was like, practicing to be in a porno or something. Gagsies.

Apparently, Kasey has bad breath and to me, that's something Vienna would've fixed a long time ago. She doesn't seem like one who holds her tongue to spare someone's feelings. I, on the other hand, am. Once, I was at a dance with a boy, dancing (obvi) and all I could smell was Doritos. I don't even eat Doritos and I knew the smell. But, I was a sweetie and kept it to myself.

Michelle pulled herself out of the "competition" because she has a daughter. I cannot wait to have a kid! I'm constantly going to be like, "Sorry...I'm a mother. How will I explain pumping my own gas to my daughter?" "Oh, I'm sorry...you want me to do what? No, I cannot bring a casserole to your potluck dinner, I'm an effing mother."

To recap, or even observe, the crazy that happened from this point on in the show is impossible. CAMe (Melissa) really came out in full force tonight.

But, FIRST, Kirk and Ella go on a date. They seem like sweet (and somewhat trashy [Ella]) people, but also...boring as hell. Like, boring.

Melissa traps Blake into a conversation about his date and his rose. He doesn't want to take crazy train with him on his romantic date, but she is crazy and doesn't get it. That's the only way to explain: a crazy person's brain doesn't work the way a normal person's brain does. It's crazy.

Kirk and Ella share their sad stories. Kirk lost 20 pounds from mold. Get this gUrl some mold, stat!

Erica gives Blake a massage and I felt so uncomfortable watching her massage him and try to manipulate him at the same time that I can't even explain it. What's wrong with this guy? I know people probably think Erica is the weirdo, but I blame Blake for this. He welcomed that weirdo.

Kirk and Ella kiss in a hot air balloon, but I can't tell if they like each other or if they were just in a hot air balloon.

Holy help! Blake did not choose CAMe. There are buses driving by (I mean, that's what CAMe kept saying, "He's throwing me under the bus.") and fans were just splattering shit all over the walls.

"Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, but Melissa wears her's on every article of clothing she wears every day." --CAM (Michelle)

Oh. Ok.

CAMe begs CAM to punch Blake, but CAM is smarter than that and she only extends her sympathy to CAMe directly.

CAMe's war path continues throughout the house, but she's only met with blank stares. Who got the worst of CAMe's air strikes? That poor, poor yogurt container. She mixed the shit out of that.

"Living with Melissa is like living on an emotional roller coaster. I'm ready to get off." --Erica

CAMe confronts Holly about flirting with Blake. Holly's defense is that she flirts with all the boys. Poor defense, but I buy it. I buy that she just wants to leave the house. I want to leave the house and I have never even been there.

CAMe gets out her geocaching tools to find Blake, but he has 40 seconds left on his evening dental routine and she has to stew even longer. I'm assuming they talked. But, we never saw it.

Blake and Holly leave, while wearing matching outfits. He is such a d-bag. I wish Kasey would punch him for all of America.

Holly and Blake go skiing and it was like, giggle, giggle, giggle. Fall, fall, fall, giggle, air punch, flirt, giggle, fall, wrestle, giggle, giggle.

The date portion of the evening involves red wine and a fire. I didn't see any food, except for a minor glimpse of mashed potatoes. I bet that food was cold. Holly tells Blake the story about the breakup with Michael and never really says where they stand either way. Meanwhile, Michael is at home just pacing the floors and staring at a fire, shirtless. So much drama. Holly keeps talking and then Blake says, "Want to just sleep here?" And of course, she says yes.

During the overnight portion of the date Blake uses the worst line I've ever heard on television to get Holly to kiss him again. At this point, I've lost a lot of hope in Holly. It's a fine line between being an idiot and being confused.

Holly comes back to the house wearing her grandmother's pearls. And her grandmother's friend's pearls. And her grandmother's friend of a friend's pearls.

Michael tells Holly she is "irreplaceable" and ABC decided to play the score from "Titanic" when Beyonce would've been much more appropriate. Michael learns about the kiss and only becomes more convinced that he's in love. Where is the logic in that?

Holly cried a lot. It was basically: cry, confusion, cry, cry, cry, cuddle, share, cry.

Chris Harrison makes his appearance and drops the "one woman, one man" line. I thought all hell broke loose earlier, but...I was wrong.

Kasey tells us that he needs the money or his grandmother won't live. His grandmother sounds like a snob! Like, what? She told Kasey if he didn't come home with the money she'd just die?

Everyone's talking about power couples this and power couples that, but these people clearly don't know what a power couple actually looks like. Let's look at history for a few: John and Abigail Adams, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, John and Jackie Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Then, of course, we have: Bruce and Kris Jenner, Tom Brady and that super model (like I can spell her name), Brad Pitt and Angelia Jolie, and hello, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Those are real life power couples. Tell me where Vienna and Kasey fit into the description now!

William, and his extremely red face, learn about the lies. He's going home.

Michael and Holly are on a special "date" ala the way Brad Womack always took Barbie Emily on special dates. Basically, he found a blanket and some pillows from the pool and they sat outside. SPECIAL is right! At first, I was all, "these people are cute. I hope they make it." Now, I'm like, "Holy hell, figure this shit out somewhere else."

Holly's hair looks better not straight.

This is the point in the show where every single person is voting for CAMe to go home and telling her they didn't vote for her. People are scared of this "lady." And why doesn't she put on a jacket? She's walking around just shivering and I'm all, "you have on a tank top!"

"I'm not mad, I'm just saying, I don't understand." --CAMe

Told you! She doesn't understand. Her brain is crazy. She doesn't understand.

Finally, Michael just gives it to her straight and tells her that EVERYONE voted against her. She looks at Blake, in his signature baby vest, and screams, "Fix this!"

"Stop making me say this out loud." --Kasey

So...he can hear?

My favorite part of the voting, on any show like this, is when a person "feels bad" and says something to the camera like, "Baby gUrl, I'm sorry." Or. "I love you, but..." Yeah, I love you, but you're a crazy ass and no one can sleep while you're here because we're convinced you're staring at us!

William goes home and then gets tearful.

I would be tearful too if I was going back to nowhere Ohio to sell phones for Verizon. How many times a day can one person fake laugh at a customer saying, "Can you hear me now?" My max would be one for the year.

Melissa bawled like a little baby gUrl when he left, too. I've never even seen them talk to each other. So...what?

CAMe goes home and to her dismay, the world doesn't end right there.

Blake is happy, but sad. Blake wears vests that were made for babies. You know what your mother always says, "Never trust a man wearing a vest made for a baby."

CAMe really breaks down in the limo. Like, really. She turns around in the seat. I would, too. That gUrl is an ugly ass crier. Yeah, I threw ass in there. It's that bad.

And.

Then, it was over.

most eligible dallas.

2011-08-24T06:33:00.005-05:00

Let's address the elephant in (on) the (blog) room: Most Eligible Dallas.

Admittedly, this fair city is not my favorite place in the world. It's not even in my top five. However, this has been my home for almost 5 years and I've been very fortunate to find some great friends and a great church to propel me along here.

Dallas might be the most egotistical place on the face of the Earth. Everything here is big, new, luxurious and ridiculous. That's where my hesitation lies in watching this show and then talking about it. This show only cements the fact that Dallas, as a city, is absurd. I also hesitate to watch and blog about this show, because I don't want to be that person sitting behind a computer bashing people. I mean, what if I run into some of these people at a charity event or church?

Anyway. I guess I've been talked into watching and blogging about this show. The following is not a recap, but more of an observation over the first two episodes.

"Instead of going to bars and clubs, a lot of people just go to charity events."

Who? Who does that?

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Dallas.

"Are you a Christian?"

"Of course, yeah."

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Dallas.

Let's start with Matt, the almost turned pro, former QB at Texas. False. He was the holder for field goals and point after attempts. He was the third string QB. And his junior year he was the backup holder. The backup holder. Third string QBs and backup holders don't turn pro. Doesn't he know the internet exists? Why make that claim? I could claim that I did a lot of things, too, but unfortunately, Mr. Google knows all. Google knows all. His bio on the academic side of things seems to be pretty impressive though. I will assume it's all true.

Matt says he can do more living in one day than most people can do in their life. Bold, Matt. Bold. If you have a job and you work there for like, six hours on a Tuesday, what else do you have time for? Lunch? Happy hour? Listen, I've been to lunch on a Tuesday. I've been to happy hour. I don't consider either of those events to be particularly fascinating or something out of the ordinary. Matt, where are you going to happy hour? Are you telling me there's something better out there than free queso at Chuy's? Prove it.

Matt's philosophy on being single is also incredibly interesting. He invites a gUrl to dinner. And then, he invites 12 other gUrls to dinner and says, "I can do that, I'm single." Yeah, great. But, AWKWARD. Single or not, that's so uncomfortable.

Is Matt wearing a formal fleece to work in epi 2? What is that? I don't like it.

Then, we have Courtney. She's sooooooooooooooo Dallas. Well, so is that other guy. But, Courtney screams it. She claims being upset over things that aren't "traditional" like her, but she also said, "use a condom" when referring to having a baby out of wedlock. Say what, gUrl?

She is "traditional" in the sense that she doesn't want to meet a man in a bar. I don't want to meet a man in a bar either, but I'm totally fine with a mother, single or otherwise, going to dinner without her baby. I think I'll be fine with that even if I'm 32 and still single and want a baby. I cannot ever see myself thinking that mothers and fathers should only be allowed to watch Criminal Minds for fun for the rest of their lives. She really seemed like a normal, fun gUrl the first 20 minutes of the first show and then BAM! Crazy train. All aboard.

Also, Courtney was drunk at the Al Beirnat's dinner with Neill and Tara. Two bottles of wine between two people is never going to end well. And it doesn't seem all that traditional. Traditionally, people get drunk off of a shot of tequila. Not off of two bottles of wine on a Tuesday.

"He has JFK Jr. hair." --Courtney, on her future husband

JFK Jr. had a brillow pad for hair.

Tara claims to be the most Dallas of all the women in the world. I kind of like her, but only in the way that she owns the way she is and she's upfront about it. Also, she doesn't seem crazy. She's a true Texan who wishes she could drink Texas wine over other wine. Eww. What? I don't even like to drink California wine. Most Texas wines cost like 7 bucks a bottle. Clearly, those wineries know their target audience (Texas).

Glenn? Glenn is from Michigan, by way of 9 NFL teams. On the outside, he seems not super Dallas-y. Then, he has a photo shoot. Then, he sees the photos from the photo shoot and likes looking at himself so much he has a conniption fit. However, he wears a lot of fedoras and drives an '80s Cadillac. Not Dallas.

Drew claims to not be a quintessential gay man, but he's so quintessential Dallas that he is a quintessential gay man. Just because you don't like broadway or Gucci doesn't mean you win. I don't like those things either. He goes on a date with a red headed Mexican and you would've thought he was on a date with a baby horse.

I think what's most sad about the show is that these people exist. A few of them live relatively close to me even. They exist and sadly, lots of other people like them exist, too. This is what Dallas is like...for some people. Not all people.

But, come on with the longhorns. When have I ever seen a cow driving around town? There's no vegetation here. Cows are not grazing within miles of here. Please stick with the actual stereotypical Dallas things if you're going with a stereotypical Dallas theme.

bachelor pad: epi 3.

2011-08-23T06:36:00.005-05:00

We start the show with Melissa (CAMe) throwing shit in the kitchen as Blake tries to talk her off the ledge while wearing a vest made for a baby. Any show that begins like that only screams goodness. CAMe accuses baby vest Blake (bvB) of playing follow the leader with Holly. bvB realizes he jumped on the crazy train and now he can't get off. Trouble is ahead.

"There are three things I'm blessed with: mental durability, physical strength and problem solving." --Jake

Am I an idiot? Have I ever heard of the phrase 'mental durability'? Maybe I'm not mentally durable.

Jake is super pumped for the synchronized swimming routine because he did "Dancing with the Stars." Proving, anyone can get on that show. Different rant for a different day.

As I watch these people practice their synchronized swimming I think about how I sat at work the other day on a conference call for over an hour on the topic of medicare physician payment reimbursements. I'm the same age as some of the people on this show. Their life is synchronized swimming on reality tv and my life is not.

Karen, Dave and Natalie have a tough job ahead of them.

JUST KIDDING.

Vienna is bound and determined to win this for Kasey. She swims and dances and kicks and hoists someone on her shoulders, but comes up short. No rose for Vienna.

If you're in water, is it still called a 'jazz' hand? I think it'd be something different.

The gUrls routine was terrible. Blind Jack Russell Terriers could have performed better.

The men are much better.

Who cares.

Michael and CAM (Michelle) get the roses.

Hugs all around.

It's now time for our first Kasey and Vienna fight of the evening. But, not before Jake and Erica cuddle up. It was the most awkward cuddle sesh ever, but did not lack in vulgarity. There was a lot of rubbing in inappropriate places with someone's foot. Lots.

Kasey is upset that Vienna is "always so cordial and nice" to Jake. If that's "cordial" every charm school in the world should rewrite their curriculum. Cotillions everywhere should gasp in shame.

Kasey calls Vienna a fame whore. I would take him more seriously if he wasn't wearing a tank top.

Michelle takes bvB, Graham and Kasey on her date. Michelle says she's good friends with CAMe and I'll say, original CAM is someone you want on your side. 2nd rate CAMe is someone you want to run from screaming. CAM tells bvB to suck it up.

CAM then has a preshy little convo with Graham and gives him the roses, after they make out. Where was this CAM during her "Bachelor" season? Like, she seems so normal and fun now. I like that Graham wears cross-trainers on the date.

Michael is a sucker for punishment. He takes Holly, Vienna and Ella on his date. The date is horseback riding. Vienna complains the whole time. Surprise, surprise.

"This shrew of a bitch."--bvB (Blake)

Pot. Kettle. Meet.

bvB apologizes.

Hugs all around.

Michael's got it bad for Holly. They have another talk about something. Bret Michaels sings. Holly gets the rose.

Jake begins his political campaign for himself and against Kasey. Kasey and Jake both couldn't be less appealing. I take that back. I bet they could be, but at this moment in time I can't imagine two less appealing men.

Here comes Princess Erica. This is really her breakout show. She starts rubbing on Jake and eventually, they make out.

Kasey takes Vienna on a 6-month anniversary date. In all the moments I've ever had in my life, I've never been more embarrassed and sad for a person as I was for Kasey during this moment. The ring, the song-- everything. The only promise I want to make to Vienna is the promise to punch her for all of America if I ever see her on the street.

What I think Kasey sang: I love from this moment on, I can carry on my love for you tonight. I gave you a promise and put it on your finger and now I know is that you are mine forever. So when you're feeling blue, just know that I love youuuuu.

Oh, Heaven help us all. I gave you a promise and put it on your finger? Well, I guess that's better than where I would've put it.

Erica keeps the make out information to herself while she sleuths around the house spying on people. She got bored real quick listening to CAMe and Jake. She legit shrugged her shoulders and walked off.

Is Vienna really helping Ella fix dinner for what looks to be the group? I wouldn't eat food prepared by Vienna if the rest of the food in the world had been dropped on a gas station bathroom floor.

Personally, Erica creeping on Michael and CAMe was one of my favorite scenes of television ever. She gave a priceless look to the camera.

"She's constantly in a state of crazy." --Erica, on CAMe

"I'm not the one falling off the rocker every few minutes." --CAMe

CAMe threatens to leave, but the Producers told her Gia already did that and her exit would have zero dramatic impact on the show, so she stays.

"I want to be strictly platonic partners." --bvB, to CAMe

I don't think you should have to tell people that. That should be a given, right?

You know if you're running to Jake for help, you're up shit creek without a paddle. But, that's exactly who CAMe runs to. Jake says, "What happened? Let me guess! They're being mean!" Yes, Jake, and then they wouldn't let her sit at the lunch table either! Oh, the pain! The torture!

My friends behaved better as 6th graders than some of these people.

Chris lets us know that all the "ladies" are safe and one man will be leaving the Bach Pad.

TWIST!

We spend the next 20 minutes watching people squirm and scheme and manipulate and cry. In the middle of it, out of nowhere, Kasey learns people are voting against him. HIM-- the head honcho! The guy with a disability!

Erica sits CAMe down and gives her a pep talk about bvB. Erica is good. She's using the "empowerment" technique to get her to believe she is needed and wanted and that she's powerful. This technique almost always works. Good call, Erica.

Kasey gives a cheers! to loyalty as everyone else in the house was "pulling the trigger" on voting him off. Oh, the irony! The irony! Ironic because right about this time Kasey finds out who's backstabbing and who's lying-- news flash-- it's everyone!

The next 14 minutes are two to three different soundtracks of dramatic music with voice overs about voting Kasey off. Erica takes a clear gavel into the voting room and talks to a picture frame before voting and slamming her gavel on the voting box. Who made her do that? No way she did that on her own. The tiara? Yes, all her. The clear gavel? Where do you ever buy one of those? The gift shop of the Supreme Court?

Jake pulls Kasey aside. I don't think any sentences were spoken.

"People are letting trailer park trash and a tattooed guy run their lives." --Erica

Zing!

Finally after an agonizing amount of time and inordinate amount of times hearing Jake say, "I don't know where the numbers lie," we find out where the numbers are laying.

In Kasey's disheveled bed.

And suddenly, it cuts to black! That's it.

Why did we not get to see Jake's goodbye? Are they saying that for 30 minutes at the beginning of next week? Spare me.

10.

2011-08-22T15:55:00.002-05:00

Time flies when you're growing up.

Ten years ago today-ish I started my senior year of high school.

Since then, I quit illegally downloading music and I got my braces off. I also rescued some dogs off the side of the road only to have them die on me a week later. I moved. I moved again. And then I moved about 11 times after that.

I haven't brushed anyone's hair with a random brush I found in the locker room in years and I haven't been to the principal's office since my last visit in 2001.

I still like pizza, so really-- very little has changed.

the bachelor pad: epi 2.

2011-08-16T06:07:00.010-05:00

We start off the epi with an egg toss. But, this isn't your typical Brady Bunch egg toss, no...these are paint filled eggs that are to be thrown at a target. A human target!

"I used to play softball." --Vienna

So did every gUrl in America.

(SHOUT OUT MORGAN!)

Gia hits her first target and you'd think she just won the Super Bowl. Then it's about 15 minutes of people pelting Jake and Erica with eggs. The Erica thing really was pretty brutal. I'd probably cry a little, but then I'd take a step back from my life and say, "Erica, sweetie, this isn't real life. People were throwing eggs at your back."

Melissa and Mike win the competition.

The competition any 8-year-old boy would have dominated.

Mike takes Holly, Erica and Michelle on his date. His "scary ass" date. I swear they made a Disney movie at the abandoned hospital they were visiting. They walk around for a normal amount of time via night vision. Mike and Erica try to contact Howard Vanderbloom. Howard should probably check into HIPAA laws because his file should not be just sitting around like that. His doctor should have properly disposed of that. You can't just leave someone's medical records sitting around.

Mike and Holly get together and cry. There's a lot of liquor sitting around. They skip the white wine on Bachelor Pad, people. Straight to whiskey. I can't be certain, but I'm fairly certain that nothing really happened during Mike and Holly's convo. I mean, besides crying. Just a lot of emotions. A lot. Like, a lot.

Melissa takes Kirk, Blake and Kasey on her date.

From this point on, we will be calling Melissa, Crazy Ass Melissa. Or, CAMe. (The 'e' is to distinguish her from CAM, Crazy Ass Michelle.)

CAMe is terrifying. What's even more terrifying is the outfit Blake put on. I'm sorry, where did you get your shorts? Seriously.

Jake is seen sitting on an empty queen-size bed. He must walk around soaked in antibacterial wash. I would NEVER sit on a bed in that house that wasn't mine. It has to be soaked in STDs. Jake mopes around the house and then asks "V" for a talk. She declines the offer, as she finished off her Michelob Ultra. At this point, I'm on team Jake. I mean, yeah, the guy is a jackass and a tool, but he's trying. I use 'trying' loosely, because this is a television show. Jake spends 3/4 of the show walking around alone staring at stuff.

We get back to CAMe. She promised Kasey a rose, but made out with the male dentist and changed her mind.

Gia and Graham have a really weird strategic conversation that involved a yellow legal pad. I didn't know any of these people could read or write, so it must've been serious.

The male dentist is getting hit on by CAMe and Holly. CAMe wanders around the house yelling, "Blake? Blake?" The only thing I've ever seen more sad is my dad and brother searching for our family dog once and yelling, "Sam? Sam?" and finding him in a ditch. Like, gUrl. Come on. Self respect.

CAMe came on the show to tell people she's "a fun, nice person" (she thinks). Wrong venue, right idea. If you're trying to prove you aren't crazy, start small. Start with a dinner party and work towards 6 weeks in a home with a bunch of other people. This place could be compared to an incredibly dysfunctional halfway-house. Don't start by surround yourself with other crazy ass people, CAMe. OMG.

Jake plays Isaac for a second and throws himself on the altar for "V" and it was really sad.

"Do you think you deserve to be here?" --Kasey

What a dumb question? Who deserves to be there? If I deserved to be there, I'd seriously start questioning the decisions in my life that led me there.

"I have an e-mail. I have a phone number." --Vienna

We living in the 21st century.

Kasey and "V" reject Jake and Jake walks off. About 9 seconds later Kasey and "V" start making out.

Side note: I need Kasey to clear his throat or announce that he does have a hearing impairment because I cannot listen to his voice much longer.

And then Kasey shows us his tattoo and announces, "It's guard and protect time." Heaven help us all. Holy goodness. He made that tattoo dance, didn't he?

William announces that the vibe in the house is "awkward" and Chris starts calling people out. Chris tells Vienna that at least two doors in the house are open. I'm not sure if other doors were open or not, but he pointed at two specifically, implying that she could exit through either of them.

Chris announces that two "ladies" are going home and shit was suddenly spread all over the room via a fan.

Vienna stands up and tells everyone, "this is cheating!"

You know what's cheating? Blake counting his outfit as a good fashion choice. That's not fair. That vest wouldn't fit most 7th grade gUrls.

This is the point in the show when I start to question a lot of things. Mostly, I question if these people are real adults. The whole thing: do they pay taxes? Can they do laundry? Are they capable of turning on a stove and not burning down their home?

These people behave like cracked out middle schoolers. And that's being sweet. I feel bad comparing them to middle schoolers because I was in middle school once and didn't act like this. I mean, I made poor fashion choices and had the world's worst haircut, but my behavior did not make people ashamed of me.

Gia leaves in tears and says it's better than being voted off.

I have to disagree. Leaving this show in tears, in a mini-van is definitely worse than being voted off. When you're voted off you get a limo. A limo! You can't just rent a limo, you have to call ahead and stuff. Limos are fancy and classy. Mini-vans are functional.

After Gia leaves nothing exciting happens. Ames starts making moves to get Jackie to stay. People want Ella to stay because she needs the money "more." Ummm...who doesn't need $250K? Like, have you seen the Dow? And when did this show become a philanthropy project? When did they start voting based on who needs the money the most? If that was the case, they wouldn't even play they'd just donate it.

"We've held on to our integrity the whole way." --Ames

Y'all. He said that while wearing pink pants. Like, bright pink pants.

CAMe has had enough. Maybe she's had enough of the vest. Maybe she's just had enough. Whatever it is, she tells the male dentist that he can't just go around touching gUrl's boobs and works whatever waitressing skills she has to get Jackie voted off.

Watching her cry and have the gUrls comfort her was really like watching gUrls at a middle school dance. Like, really.

Jackie gets voted off. Ella should have been voted off because of her dress. I like that CAM (Michelle) just had on a T and some fake pearls.

Jackie gets in the limo. And a couple that was falling in love was split up.

Ames tells us that, he's "in love like he's never been before." Ames! Are you crazy? Three weeks ago you told us the same thing about the Dentist! Remember? You took her to that bed and breakfast, er, your mom's house? Remember?

Ames does the only thing he knows to do. He waves robotically to everyone and then gets in the limo. The door is locked and he has trouble, but eventually he gets in.

"Oh my God, they are going to make babies and I'm going to love it." --Ella

So, that was the least dramatic, yet the most dramatic exit ever.

bachelor pad: bah.

2011-08-08T22:32:00.009-05:00

Just when you think your life can't get any worse ABC decides to make this premiere 3 hours long. Seriously. Three hours.

We spend about 9 years being re-introduced to these assholes and everyone is all, "that gUrl is crazy," "that gUrl wants to be famous," "you're so fake." It's like, yeah people, this is a television show.

It's surreal to hear crazy people call other people pieces of shit. Or to hear pieces of shit call people crazy. Pot, meet the kettle. You're both black.

"It's definitely a good astrological time for me right now." --Erica

That's what the Dow Jones said.

Who are these people?

Happy to see CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) is back and of course, Vienna and Jake. Like, get excited America. Get excited.

Everyone standing around waiting on who is going to be next through the door is like a really, really terrible version of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." Except it's more like, "Why the F did you invite them to dinner?"

I'm so disturbed by the fact that these people are adults. Do they pay taxes and stuff? Do they do their own vacuuming? Can they take care of pets? Are they allowed to rent cars and not pay an extra fee?

Ella is a mother.

A mother who dresses like a stripper.

A poor stripper.

So, everyone finally arrives and everyone is expecting bombs and fireworks. Kasey spells his name with a "K" and I think someone should have protected him from that. A boy shouldn't have to spell his name like that.

Jake handles the meet and greet like a champ and then it turns to really awkward weather talk really fast. I usually save the awkward talk for minute 12 or so. They launched into about 12 seconds in.

"I can't punch him, but mentally beating the crap out of him feels really good." --Kasey

Oh, really? Wow.

Jake takes Kasey by the hand for a man-to-man talk to let him know he's there to support them as a couple. I can't think of a worse person to have pledge their support. Well, maybe Mussolini or al Qaeda. Kasey says "protect" about 37 times and then tells us he's a real and genuine person. You know how I can tell if someone's genuine or not? If they tell me they're genuine. Always a good sign.

Picking a partner from this crop of people is like picking dinner from three different types of dog food. A girl's gotta eat and a girl's gotta find a partner.

"Hooking Up" was maybe the worst thing that's ever happened on ABC. Good thing this was ABC Family, ABC! No wonder that teenager living in secret got pregnant on your watch.

What do I even say about Vienna after this? I mean, the guy's legs were blue. BLUE. And she's getting all pissy and accusing Kasey of not protecting her and well, I think just about the only thing this guy is actually poised to do is to protect someone. Why does he date her? There are less annoying gUrls out there. Surely.

So, you win a challenge and your reward is a date with Jake? Jake, the guy who screamed at his fiance on television and said, "Stop interrupting me!" Oh, sign me up!

Who knew Kasey was such a schemer. He established the "Kore 4" and look at him go. We've got a future junior senator from Muppetland on the show!

Justin shook everyone's hand, so that means it's a deal!

It's only a deal for about two minutes though. He immediately shakes hands with K4 and goes to the other group and spills every bean and lets every cat out of every bag. Rut-Ro!

Then Alli picks up a couple of beans and tells CAM and Graham all about Justin's shade tree business, which leads Kasey to say, "Kick rock dudes, you're out."

We get to the date and meet a little gUrl, who's likely to grow up and have a husband in prison for one reason or another. She cries like the little gUrl that she is over seeing Jake on the street.

It got really crazy about the time Jackeeeeeeeeee had to crawl through a window to eat her dinner. So silly. She got even sillier when she wanted to propose a toast, but the toast was actually a shot. More power to you, gUrl.

Jake tells the break-up story and nothing in me cares. Not even a little. Not even enough to rewind the part I just missed while I was in the bathroom.

"You saw that break-up special?" --Jake

Oh, wow. WOW.

There are two sides to every story, but this is a story that I wish had -45 sides. I'm so over Jake and Vienna. And I'm over Jake's little game of being some really great guy. Clearly, the shot Jackeeeeeeeeeeeeee toasted to clouded what little judgement these two have because they are considering giving the rose to Vienna...untill Jackeeeeeeee wakes up. She was drunk.

"Don't be that guy...don't make me look at you and be like, 'what?" --Gia

Been there, done that.

[I'm looking at Jake on my tv. My head is saying what?]

Who told Jake he should wear that hat? ABC, I'm talking to you! Who?

Jake gives Vienna the rose and everyone is crying. Vienna's crying, I'm crying looking at Vienna's swimsuit, Gia's crying, Jake's crying. E'erybody crying!

Jakes, the diplomat, sits down for a convo with Vienna and Kasey. Jake apologizes for yelling on tv. That's great and all, but I'd like an apology, too, Jake. But, a part of me feels like maybe he's being serious...I mean...he DID pick this gUrl out of 25 gUrls, so he must've felt something for her, right? I don't know. I can't even begin to pretend like I know how these people think.

Vienna takes Kasey out of the conversation and whispers some creepy shit in his ear. Something about marriage and babies. Then, they get naked and go to bed. These people's parents must be like, "Did you see my baby on tv? So proud!" And then they realized their baby was doing the nasty under an infrared camera. Oops, mom.

The next 45 minutes (seemed like 4 months) was just everyone arguing over how many votes they have, or think they have, or think they don't have. Kasey makes an alliance with Gia. Vienna walks in on the convo and nothing happens.

Everyone gets dressed up in their fanciest duds, if fancy means business casual wear from Target. I kid, I kid. Erica definitely got that dress from somewhere other than Target. I'm sure her spanks (spanx) are from Target though. You could see them, too, right?

Alli and Justin have a conversation about Justin playing both sides. He then takes her photo and talks to it creepily. I wonder if that necklace hurts her. It's so big. Like, bigger than my car.

So, Kasey and Vienna are scheming differently or no? They are tricking me and I don't like it. There's no way these two people are smarter than me. Maybe Kasey is tricking Gia.

If I was on a show with these people and none of them liked me there would be two things running through my head: 1. Holy shit, if these people don't like me, I must be a terrible idiot. If they don't like me, who could? OR 2. I must be a normal human being. Most people fall under the first category. I hope and pray I'd fall under the second.

Justin says he plays both sides in the real world and that this should be easy for him. I'm trying to figure out if he's telling us that he's gay. Still undecided.

I thought Blake was a dentist. That's like, a real career. Taking weeks and weeks of time off from your practice is not good for business. He must not have any patients. So, I guess technically he is a dentist, if only in title.

Finally, after all that, the rose ceremony happens. Zero surprises here: Alli and Justin go home. Justin acts like a big tool shed and won't shake anyone's hand. Way to go out with some dignity, dude. Newsflash: when you're the most arrogant asshole on a show like this, you're probably in the running for most arrogant asshole on the face of the planet. And technically, he's got North America in the bag since he's from Canada. This is not a small continent.

Alli cries to the camera and I think it's because she looked in the mirror.

Alli sums up my feelings exactly, "I'm disappointed. I'm really disappointed." Me too, me too. I'm really disappointed in myself for watching this BS.

What's a Jedi genius master?

you don't know me.

2011-08-08T11:01:00.004-05:00

Dear Netflix,

I'd like to applaud you for providing me with hours upon hours of entertainment. I can access you on my computer, my phone or a DVD via the United States Postal Service. Yes, I spend a lot of time with you, but...who the hell do you think you are? Netflix, you don't know me! You don't know anything about me!

Netflix, I get what you're trying to do. You think "suggesting" movies for me to watch will open up my eyes to new movies and I'll feel indebted to you. But, you're wrong. You're offending me. Like, a lot.

Netflix, do you really think I would like the documentaries "Science of Dogs" or "Sea Monsters: a Prehistoric Adventure," really? I mean, be legit with me-- if you know me at all, you know I would never watch that. And why on God's green earth would you suggest "Aryan Brotherhood" for me? Do you think I'm a Nazi or something? It'd be different if it was an actual documentary on Hitler or something, but just a movie on some skinhead rednecks? This what you think I would enjoy? Is what you think I would relate to?

Oh, Netflix, you really think I'd like to see an inside look at "Disney Parks: Where Dreams Come True?" Seriously? I've never pooped a rainbow in my life. Ever. Not even close.

And. Are you suggesting I watch "CareBears: The Giving Movie" because you think I could learn something from it? Perhaps you thought to yourself, "She could really learn something from these animated bears, let's put it in her top 10 for sure."

Netflix, if you would have just taken a second to get to know a little bit about me you would know that "Wrist Cutters" is quite possibly the most hurtful and insincere movie you could ever prompt me to watch. Netflix, I don't think suicide is fun. You put this movie right next to the "Crazies." Real subtle, Netflix. Real effing subtle!

Netflix, I know it seems like I'm really coming down on you right now and maybe I am, but it's just that we've been pretty steady friends for a while now and I'd like to think that at this point in our relationship you'd know that "Whale Rider" is maybe, probably, the last movie I'd ever watch. Ever. Really?

I don't know, Netflix, I'm just saying-- get to know me a little better, eh?

This isn't over. I promise.

Signed,

P.S.

You have been paying attention a little bit, because you have suggested the following movies that accurately portray my life, "I Love You, Don't Touch Me," "Revenge of the Bridesmaids," and "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." It's these selections that make me believe you can do better. You are realizing that I don't want people to touch me, that all I ever do is attend weddings and my dating life can best be summed up by the simple fact that males have zero interest in my brown hair.

cowling.

2011-08-04T14:44:00.004-05:00

Today is monumental for the Cowling family.

Like, mon.u.men.tal.

Today, the Cowling family became luxurious.

Today, the sofa named after my family and FOR my family debuted online at Horchow.com, a division of Neiman Marcus.

Us Cowling folk are simple folk. Hailing from England and Southwest Arkansas, we eventually spread out across the United States to live out our dreams as individuals, but today a collective dream was realized: we are classy and elegant people with a couch you'd never find in any of our homes named after us.

"Cowling" Velvet Sofa

I know what you're thinking. How? Why? The answer is simple: because. Why not? Why the hell not? When I think of all the amazing contributions my family has made to society I wonder why we don't have a whole living room set named after us and then I remind myself of our humble beginnings and how my grandfather would have never wanted any of this. No, not us, we're simple and humble. We don't need accolades.

The Cowling family just broke out of its shell.

No longer will we be kept silent. No longer will you think of Dillard's and Wal-Mart when you think of us.

Today we ride the broken back of humility all the way to the damn bank!

SHOUT OUT, Nina Sayadian, for making this dream a reality.