the bachelorette :: jojo : epi 1.

Listen up, this show is literally painful for me to watch. Coupled with the fact that my day job involves me bringing every ounce of creative energy I have to work every day-- I would rather drink half a bottle of Nyquil and shop for purses than watch this show.

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This G is so damn young. Why is it her turn to find love? Why does she think she is "so ready" for love?

gUrl, please. Every time I go on more than one date with a man I convince myself I'm ready for love, but then I remember that means not putting on my sweats every single evening at 5:08 p.m. and being cordial to humans after my normal bedtime of 8 p.m. all for a grilled chicken breast or two.

Dating is almost inhumane. Doing it on TV and declaring how much you want, deserve it and are ready for it? Torture.

Now I'm supposed to believe JoJo can actually drive that ol' Thunderbird? Those things don't have power steering.

Of course, JoJo has to meet with Ali, KittyKatCait and boring Desiree to make sure she is ready for this.

The advice these three veterans gave to her?

"If you're feeling it, feel it." -- All gUrls
Oh, okay.

Ali was on this show when JoJo was still taking swimming lessons, much less taking a dip in the dating pool.

I zoned out for a few because I just took a Sudafed.

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Now, we're meeting the boyZ.

This Fireman's shirt is the worst thing I've seen since almost anything. Ribbed t-shirt? Where do you buy those even?

Oh, Aaron Rodgers' little brother?
What a shit show.
If he was so good at football why is he hanging out in the rain at his old high school? That is the saddest damn thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

This twin just hangs out with his twin and imagines what it would be like if he wasn't a third wheel?

A preacher who now specializes in erectile dysfunction?
WHAT THE AF?

MOJO FOR JOJO?

I ACTUALLY WISH I DIDN'T HAVE A TV OR A COMPUTER.

If that guy's alarm goes off at 3:30, why does he not get to the gym until 4:30? Usually, my alarm goes off at 4:57 and I'm at the gym by 5:08.

Also, if that guy really sits around and eats super elaborate meals with his bros I'm okay with that. If they really drink water out of stemless wine glasses I'm not okay with that.

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Finally, it's time for JoJo to meet her 25 idiots.

I used to think Chris Harrison was an okay guy, but now I feel super sad for him. Doesn't he want to do something else with his life? Doesn't he feel weird knowing that someone took a water hose and sprayed down that driveway?

"You look so good, thanks for coming." -- JoJo
"You look nice. What's your name?" -- JoJo
"You look really nice." -- JoJo
"Hi, handsome." -- JoJo

A guy brought a bottle of wine.
She drank it.

"You look so great." -- JoJo
"You look very good." -- JoJo
"You look great." -- JoJo
"You look great." --JoJo

Hipster didn't watch last season at all. He knows nothing about JoJo.
So, he's an actor?

MAN CRUSH MONDAY?
HOLY SHIT.
THAT'S IT.

THAT WAS A PICKUP LINE.

Wait. This guy brought All-4-One?
Like, we do know they are like the shittiest version of Boyz II Men ever right? Minus O-Town.

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I QUIT WATCHING BECAUSE MY FRIEND HAD A BABY AND I WANTED TO GO MEET THE BABY INSTEAD OF WATCHING THIS.