Tuesday, July 28, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : the finale.

Listen. I don't have a problem with Chris Harrison. I know he doesn't write his script. And hopefully, prayerfully, he doesn't pick out his own shirts. That pink thing is an absolute disaster.

We have finally come to a closing point on this trip down love's hellacious highway.

So. Kaitlyn's family is intriguing. KaityCat's sister is like, the biggest Bach fan EVER. She's all, "Nick V. ?!"

Dad and StepMom are super chill, while sister is explaining the rules of who all this stuff works.

"I am totally shocked that he is here." -- Mom
Then, Kaitlyn went on to tell her mom that she did the sex'n with Nick. 

Nick shows up and he's not really nervous, he just wants to be himself. Before going inside, Kaitlyn informs Nick that she told everyone about the sex'n.

StepMom Kathy, KathyCat, is so out of element.

SisterCat literally just said, "I hope he's here for the right reasons." She has waited her entire life to go on television and say that to a camera. KIDS, IF YOU DREAM BIG ENOUGH AND WORK HARD ENOUGH...

Mom pulls Nick aside and the real shit show begins. Talk about two gamers.

Mom goes on and on about how much she hated him on Andi's season.

"What does she see in you?" -- Mom
Ouch.

"Kaitlyn has told me there's a huge attraction to you. What is that?" -- Mom
Oh.

Nick starts to cry. I would cry too, if someone was all, "HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE YOU? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

Nick kind of asks for KaityCat's hand in marriage. Mom says, "sure."

She's on the Nick train now. ALL ABOARD. Next stop: Shitsville.

"I love every part of your daughter." -- Nick, to Dad
Better words, Nick. Dad knows you did the sex'n. 

Dad gives the bless'n.

"I'd be happy if the ring was put on her finger and Nick was the one who put it there." -- Dad
That is the most literal way to describe your daughter's engagement.


------

It's Shawn's turn in the gauntlet of traditional Canadian familial settings.

I feel like when Shawn is talking to the camera, he's yelling. I know he's not actually yelling, but it feels like he could be.

StepDad is stepping up his game this round.

Shawn brought SisterCat a gift for her kids and she's already switched teams.

StepMom isn't even on the screen this time around.

Mom just wants to ask Shawn about the sex'n. She wants to know how Shawn really feels about the sex'n.

"How are you going to handle that feeling of jealousy in the outside world?" -- Mom
Outside world? 

Shawn is only a rageful, jealous person because HE IS SO IN LOVE WITH HER, MOM. Once this is EXCLUSIVE and KaityCat is ALL HIS, there won't be  SINGLE PROBLEM. Because she will BE HIS and ONLY HIS.

Duh.

Mom isn't concerned that Shawn just told her there wouldn't be anymore problems because SHE WOULD BE ALL HIS. She just thinks it is wonderful.

Sister is now TOTALLY Team Shawn.

Shawn sits down with Dad. Dad has nodded once and said "sure" twice. One cracked smile and another head nod. He's so Team Shawn.

"I'd be so proud to have her as my gUrl." -- Shawn
I hope my dad would punch a man if that was a part of his speech to marry me. 

Shawn asks Mom and Dad for their blessings. Mom, of course, has a million things to say. Dad formed his statement as rhetorical questions.

BLESSINGS BESTOWED!

-------

FINAL DATE TIME WITH NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick wants to have a big barbecue with both of their families.

"I feel all those good feelings." -- Kaitlyn
Is something a person who has no real feelings would say.

Nick just wants KaityCat on his couch.

The boat has docked and KaityCat is now on NICK'S COUCH AT HIS AIR BNB.
KIDS, IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH.

These two lovebirds are just recapping their love story.

"I'm just happy you wanted this to be more than just text." -- Kaitlyn
Cat emoji with heart eyes. 

If I ever have to say that to a man, I will not.

Nick pulls the whole, "Hey...I got you something, it's in my room..." card.
Kaitlyn totally falls for it.

It's the shittiest picture frame you have ever seen.

How did Nick's shirt get unbuttoned. Surely she didn't do that?

That picture frame is something you give your grandmother. MAYBE. My grandmother wouldn't be into that.

NICK, ARE YOU NOT INTO PUNCTUATION?
And you don't just get to pick random words to capitalize. There's like, a pattern and rules to it.



That frame, y'all.
This chick is like, what 30? She can't be that into that frame.
I don't think she'd even put that on her wedding registry at the local store her mom made her register at so all her Sunday school friends can buy them a gift.


KaityCat can see Nick as her husband.

------

SHAWN'S TURN FOR A DATE!

Shawn is dressed like he's going to the gym. Kaitlyn is not.

Shawn wants to toast to their last date. AMEN. DRINK IT UP.

Kaitlyn apologizes for something and she starts petting Shawn's leg hair. Definitely one of the weirder things I've seen this week.

IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL DATE.

Shawn realizes the day has been a little awkward. Maybe it's awkward that Kaitlyn is chugging whiskey and you are drinking a Miller High Life, bro.

KaityCat's mind and heart are in SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES.

This is all very confusing to her. It's not easy.

Kaitlyn is all, "this has been hard on us," and then launches into the whole... "you know you have to watch me do the sex'n with Nick on the TV, right?"

Shawn is all, "My DVR is already set, gUrl!!!!!!!!"

Shawn has a gift for Kaitlyn, too.

"Shawn put together a memory jar...a couple of notes he had wrote me." -- Kaitlyn
You see see, he had wrote me these notes and he had put them in a jar.

Kaitlyn is convinced that no couple has as many memories as they do together.
NO ONE. NOT EVEN COUPLES WHO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER A WHOLE YEAR.

------

Neil Lane comes by to schlep jewelry at both these guys and Nick is all, "I've done this before!" Neil is like, "eh?" Neil is very saddened by Nick's story. I am sad that he doesn't know how to button shirts.

-----

NICK IS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

Nick finds his block and just needs a moment. KaityCat totally just wants this to be over. How can he not see this on her face? Nick. Come on, man. Look at her. She's about to throw up into that beautiful pool.

Kaitlyn doesn't stop him until he pulls the damn ring box out.

"No? All right." -- Nick

video

Her heart is just with somebody else. 

GET OUT OF THERE, NICK.

Nick gets in that limo and examines the ring. At least he's not out all that cash. Just his dignity. Which, he can't buy. So. Lose-lose. 

Nick tries to take a drink of water, but he has to throw that Irish shit ring off first. 

"I am the world's biggest joke." -- Nick
Nailed it. 

Nick's family is in the audience crying. What a way to go out. 

------

Shawn's limo rolls up.

He has been working on this speech. Again, Kaitlyn looks like she's going to puke. 



"These past couple of months, we had made some incredible memories." -- Shawn
You see, what we had done was we had made some memories. 

Basically, Shawn just said he wants to feel like he's going to throw up for the rest of his life. 

FINALLY. KaityCat gets to REPLY.

"You light me up!" -- KaityCat
Sounds like Mick Jagger. 

Kaitlyn is all like, "you never have to be jealous again. I am yours."
Not the best way to describe the situation. But, IDK.

After hearing that SHE IS HIS FOREVER, SHAWN IS READY.

"I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU." -- Shawn

Shawn basically just proposed by saying he was going to NEVER LET HER GO, EVER.

That was actually a really shitty proposal.
Bored.

And with that.

Life is back to being better because we are free from the tyranny of oppressively shitty TV.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 8.

We open the show with the boyz discussing how bad it is going to hurt when they get thrown off. Joe, being honest, is not as confident. It is obviously some sadass foreshadowing. Like, we will all sit around and feel sorry for the boy talking most effortlessly about handling heartbreak.

Ben gets the date card and the one-on-one date.

"As much fun as we're going to have, I bet there's going to be some serious conversation." -- Ben
: /

Kaitlyn isn't always happy, so she's ready to show that side to Ben. To really show this, she makes Ben row across the ocean? lake? pond? while she just talks out of her ass.

If I wanted to show someone my "other" sides I'd be the one rowing the boat. Not the one enjoying someone else's hard labor.

Ben LOVES walking around islands and thinking about "the vikings."
What does that even mean?

Ben's outfit, categorized as expensive Great Depression wear, does not fit him. He looks like a khakis and sweater vest type of bro. Instead, he's wearing an updated "Newsies" outfit.

Ben and KaityCat are discussing what is and is not husband and wife material. WE ALSO LEARN THAT BEN FEELS UNLOVABLE. Listen, that's sad. But, if a man said that to me I would not be able to keep a straight face. I would also run. Like, he's cute, but I don't have time to tell him how lovable he is.

Would you ever be able to be like, "babe, pick up your damn socks, please?" or would it have to be like, "oh my gosh, angel honey, your cute-ass socks belong somewhere other than this floor and as great as it is that you left them here, I would love, love, love if you moved them."

Ben is all, overnights don't mean physical!
Kaitlyn is all, oh shit, are you a virgin?

------

Kaitlyn is taking Shawn, Nick and Joe on a group date.

Shawn is ready to get back into things and move this relationship forward. Translation: Shawn is ready to stop acting like a baby gUrl.

Kaitlyn cannot believe Shawn didn't kiss her the other day. So, they kissed and EVERYTHING IS BETTER NOW.

Kaitlyn like, can't even believe she has to drop this bomb on Shawn.

"I hate when people don't see things coming." -- KaityCat
Wowowowowowowowow.

Nick interrupts Shawn and is all, "Did you have a good week?"

Like, W T F.

"I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want." -- Kaitlyn

Nick has an entire conversation about the sex'n with his hand in his mouth like my 2-year-old nephew. So, he is basically mumbling and whisper. He's a whispy-mumb.

Meanwhile, Joe is still sitting around in his puffy vest contemplating just "being himself."

Kaitlyn comes to get Joe and he's ready to let her know how he feels about her. The two meander to a bench in the middle of nowhere.


Joe has a really great time with KaityCat. KaityCat asks Joe if he is worried about being engaged. HE IS NOT WORRIED AND HE IS GOING TO PROVE THAT BY INTERRUPTING HER WITH KISSES.

"I could be happy only kissing you for the next 60 years." -- Joe
Crickets. Crickets. 

"What? Did I stutter?" -- Joe
He literally said that. 

Kaitlyn starts the "pack your bags" speech. She just can't imagine saying goodbye to you. She needs to know things, but she just...

"Are you upset with me?" -- Kaitlyn
"Why would I be upset?" -- Joe
"I'm upset."
"Why are you upset? You chose this." 


Kaitlyn asks for a hug and Joe says, "I guess."

Joe asks Kaitlyn what to do and then says, "I don't have shit to say to you right now."
FINALLY. A REAL BREAK-UP.

It feels like all of the dudes have spent most of these season sitting outside being cold.
Is that their fault or the producers? Put on a damn coat. Like, you are sitting on TV shivering.

Kaitlyn doesn't feel right about handing out a rose. She feels great about Nick and needs more time with Shawn.

------

NIGHTTIME.

Shawn just needs a night to relax and just laugh.

If this guy drinks one more Guinness on this show I am going flip my shit.

Kaitlyn knows she cannot let Shawn find out about the sex'n from anyone than her. WHAT? WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

She just wants to hang out, but she does have something on her mind.
He takes a drink.
I want to drown a small rabbit in Guinness. I can't look at it anymore.

"I just know that I want to be honest...I don't want you to find out later...I just want to be so honest...Ummm... You know I had that one-on-one date with Nick? At night, we went back to my place and I just feel like it went too far. And... We had sex." -- KaityCat
Head nod. Head nod. 
Wipes his mouth with his shirt sleeve.
Deep breath. Clears throat. 
Head shake.


"Do you regret it?" -- Shawn
She says NO.

Shawn cannot figure out why she is telling him that.
He needs to re-group in the bathroom.
He walks to the bathroom and pulls his pants up to his chest.

Shawn comes back and obviously, he's upset about it. Mainly, he's upset because he doesn't like Nick.
Shawn doesn't want to make this about Nick. He is here for Kaitlyn. He is going to man-up. That's why he wants to do.

"I can't be upset, right? ... I obviously am." -- Shawn

Shawn already looked like a baby gUrl last week and now, when he really can act like a crazy person he knows he can't because he already played that card.

To the credit of the "relationship," everyone is going to have a past in a new relationship. Unfortunately, Kaitlyn's past is also her present. I imagine Shawn actually went and destroyed his hotel room as soon as the cameras were off.

------

IT IS A NEW DAY.

Jerad already got that fresh suit on and he wants to let her know EXACTLY WHERE HE IS AT.

Now, Shawn is back on his, "she told I'm the one" train and is prepared to "walk away from love."

ChrissyPoo comes in for a math lesson and is all, "there are four of you, only three get to see her naked."

KaityCat's mind is made up. NO PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL HOUR.

If I was Kaitlyn I would be so over talking to these bros about their damn feelings. But, also, I wouldn't put myself in the situation to have to listen to these bros talk about their feelings all the damn time, because I wouldn't go around sex'n on TV.

Shawn gets the first rose AND HE NEEDS TO TALK TO HER.

"Okay." -- Kaitlyn

Shawn just doesn't understand... WHY HIM he says. SHE ASKED HIM HOW HE FELT ABOUT HIM.

Then, he brings up "the one" talk again.

"I think I am here to explore other relationships. Because at the end of this, I will never explore another relationship. It will not happen. Telling you that you were the one half-way through was a mistake. I had no business doing that when I had other relationships to explore." -- Kaitlyn

"I am here to explore other relationships." -- Kaitlyn
So, now she's Lewis and Clark. Give her a compass!

So, "explore" means sex'n?

Then, Kaitlyn lets Shawn know that he needs to shut the hell up and let her figure this shit out. She plays the trust card and he wipes his mouth with his shirt again.

Shawn accepts the rose.
He's not that into exploring, but he knows he can "explore" with her later, in the fantasy suite.

Shawn is now only referring to Nick as "the other guy."

So. Baby boy Jerad DOES NOT GET THE ROSE.

Jerad still doesn't know about all the "exploring."
This kid would have ended up in therapy for YEARS had he found out.
Like, he would need one of those therapy dogs to walk around with him for the rest of his life.

-----

It's time for Nick's one-on-one date. They go to a church to just chat. Nick grew up with a religious background. I have no idea what that means. His parents met in a church and he used to go to confession.

"I'm realizing that my relationship with him isn't just physical. It's kind of spiritual, too." --KaityCat
Kind of. 

After the church chat they head to a bar and share a few "first" stories.

Then, they ask a local for marriage advice.

Before they leave, Nick makes the entire bar participate in a toast. It's really easy to rally a group of drunks. So, no points for Nick.

At this point, everyone has talked shit about Nick, so Nicky is ready to talk shit about everyone else.

There's just one person he has no respect for.

"I don't really respect people who brag about being eskimo brothers with famous country singers." -- Nick

Nick has tried to talk to Shawn. Shawn won't talk to him. Nick is worried about Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn feels like she's made SUCH. GOOD. DECISIONS.

Have you ever felt more sad for a person after they have said something like that?
Literally, she said "good decisions" and lightning struck.
That was not an accident.

Nick wants to be able to tell Kaitlyn ANYTHING.
But, she cannot figure out why the two of them keep saying bad things about each other.

Really? You can't?

Kaitlyn gives Nick the fantasy suite surprise card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that already happened. So, after all of this, they just get to do it again.
Nick can never get enough of Kaitlyn, so he just wants to wake up to her.

They head to a fake old jail cell and GIGGLESGIGGLESGIGGLES.

Everyone is such a good sport.

They head back to the Ramada Inn and talk about heading back there for an anniversary someday.

You know why I don't trust Nick?
That ring he wears.
He actually got a bigger one by the end of the episode.




That. And he keeps saying, "I can't get enough of you."
That's why I say about pizza.

The next morning the two get to enjoy some Ramada Inn room service.

Kaitlyn wants us to believe that she only ate chocolate (off of his body!!!!!!) during the fantasy date.
IDK. IDK.

------

Shawn just can't take it.
HE HAS TO TALK TO NICK.

Are hotels laws different in Europe? That hotel really gave up Nick's room number like that? NO.

PRODUCERS TRYNA TRICK ME!!!!!!!!

Shawn just wants to be honest. He doesn't want to spend any amount of time getting to know Nick.

"I think you're shit." -- Shawn

Honestly, this is absurd.




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