Tuesday, May 19, 2015

the bachelorette :: epi 1 : two for the price of one.

Oh, thank goodness. The world is still wrapped up in what surely has to be God's least favorite time of the week.

So, this season of the "The Bachelorette" presents us with two women and 25 men who must choose between the two women. TWIST. We start the season for a 4-hour recap of the two gUrls' lives from birth to present.

gUrl1: Britt
She that makeup gUrl from the last season.

gUrl2: Kaitlyn
She that gUrl with jokes.

Since we have another 2 hours of this debacle of debauchery, this will be a quick breakdown.



Jonathan-- he works in the "extremely fun" automotive industry. Maybe that's why the whole city of Detroit is in the shitter-- everyone thinks manufacturing cars is "extremely fun." Also, this guy said he had a son and now he has a constant companion and friend and someone to have his back at all times. He said this about a child. I mean, I feel you, J... at this point, I want to have children because I honestly don't know who is going to take care of me when I'm 80. There won't be anybody to take my keys away from me, so I'll just be driving myself around with poor eyesight and slow reactionary timing.

Stripper-- His mom must feel so confused. "This is my son, the aspiring lawyer who would love for you to touch his chest."

Welder in Idaho-- Keep moving.

Restaurant Manager-- His pickup line has to be, "You know that Applebee's on the interstate outside of Bowling Green-- that's me!" What is this LoveMan thing? His dog wears a cape. Everything is sad.

Meditation Guy-- The further he drifts away in his mind the closer he gets to where he wants to be. I hope he never drifts my way. Also, he kissed his plants.


So, the guys start arriving and I have to imagine that it's a terrible feeling to compete for attention like that. I used to tell my prettiest friends they weren't allowed to talk at certain events because I didn't want guys to like them more. (A tactic that has really worked for me, ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The more I watch the more I want Hillary Clinton to be president.

The stripper arrives and I mean. How does that happen? How does anyone think that is okay? In all seriousness, would they ever let a female stripper on the show? If so, would she be able to do that to a guy?

That one guy is trolling Britt so hard with the Kleenex.

g2 wants to be the bachelorette, so she ran inside.
g1 "needs" to be the bachelorette.

I think one of those plants must have punched that meditation guy.

The guys are inside debating who they like more. One time, in 8th grade I had my best friend call this guy I liked and he didn't know I was on the line and she asked him if he liked me. He was sweet about it, but he still said NO WAY IN HELL. That's what this feels like.

That one guy is wasted. I've been a lot of places in my life and even in the worst of those places, that guy is the worst.

"I want to take both of them out for a nice steak dinner and never call them again." -- Drunk Guy
I'm into that. 

So, the guy with the hot tub car pulls up.

From an engineering perspective, I have so many questions. Does it meet government safety standards? Are there seat belts?

So, somewhere in California there is a 22-year-old production assistant who excitedly told his mother he got a job on a TV show. Then, he was the one who had to drive that hot tub car off-camera and all of his dreams died. He went back to school and got a business degree.


The party finally starts and BORED.

The drunk guy got grabby and Chris Harrison put him in an all-white Larry van and that was that.

Side note: if you're a former investment banker, you're not an investment banker. You don't get to carry the title with you.

A former anything is a current unemployed something.

"You have a sponsor child." -- Guy
"Yes! It's my everything." -- g1
Confession-- I quit my sponsor child once. She just wasn't pulling her weight, you know. I'm kidding. Sorry, Patricia. 

So, if you're an amateur sex coach that means you're a sex coach for free. Which means you're actually just a guy handing out unsolicited sex advice.

Conclusion: amateur sex coach is honestly the saddest thing I have ever thought could happen to a person. Ever.

Follow-up conclusion: I'm sure there are people out there who need sex advice. Some of those people might even pay for it. But, would they pay a guy who drives a hot tub car for it? No.

Sad. Sad. Sad. I'd rather watch the evening news (because what's more depressing?) than think about this guy's life plan for one more second.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Everything about this is spot on!

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