Tuesday, January 20, 2015

the bachelor :: chris : epi 3.

"An exciting new episode of 'The Bachelor'!"
Lies.

We learn that the male visiting the show is Jimmy Kimmel. He must feel very secure in his career. Or they paid him an actual shit ton of money. Like, a truck backed up to his house and just dumped money on his lawn.

Jimmy is going to "help" Chris with the decision.

ChrissyPoo Harrison is looking F2D with his v-neck tee under that blazer.

Kaitlyn gets the date card.  She's "pretty excited." Even Chris doesn't know what the date is-- supposedly. He's just in limo giggling like a middle school gUrl as ole G is guessing what the date is.

The limo pulls up to Costco, because it's what real couples do.

Do you know what I do if a male went to Walmart with me and pushed the cart?
I'd go on a reality show to fulfill that dream.

"There aren't many gUrls I know who could handle a date like this." -- Chris
DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE IN A GIANT GROCERY STORE AND NOT BOSNIA?

They put everything in the limo and ride off. The limo drove off with the trunk up. I hope that was real. Like, I hope with everything in me that was real.

Jimmy Kimmel is coming over for dinner and Kaitlyn really started feeling feelings when Chris started seasoning that steak. Like, for real. That's what she said.

They start making out, but then Jimmy arrives, so they stop so he doesn't make fun of them. And then there's some weird giggling or something.

Chris hopes Jimmy doesn't show up.
I hope they cancel this show.

"She likes beef and whiskey." -- Chris

Kaitlyn reveals that she's dated "legit" farmers before.
Actually, just one farmer.

I think they only served steak to Jimmy Kimmel. Which, if fine. But, kind of a shitty party.
Oh, there's a giant basket of salad.

Jimmy asks about the fantasy suite. Chris giggles terribly. They just keep talking about sex and Chris cannot stop giggling.

He giggles just like my fake laugh I made up in 8th grade.
Seriously, I had this terrible fake laugh that I made myself do in 8th grade.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose because he was "super impressed" today. Like, he really liked the way she handled herself in Costco. Like Costco was Easter dinner at a nursing home with a combative grandmother or something.

Jimmy finally leaves and Chris and Kaitlyn decide they wouldn't trade it for another date because it was so "normal." I'm assuming they hang out with super famous people ALL. THE. TIME.

They get in the hot tub and Chris likes her because she's "real." I think she was wearing a leather bikini.

I would hate to watch like, "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" with Chris.
HE THINKS EVERYTHING IS FUNNY.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a "Hoe-Down Throw Down." Sounds like a college party.
Or a terrible 1st birthday party.

Jimmy wants the ladies to do farming chores as part of an elimination challenge.

Carly isn't good at "being very competitive."
Which is why her singing career has gotten all the way to the level of cruise ship singer.

Shucking corn is hard. Chris says if some chick can't shuck a little corn and get her hands dirty-- she's not the gUrl for him.

This goat milking thing is pretty awful. A couple of gUrls are wearing fancy jewelZ like they're in a rap video and not milking a goat to win a rose from Kroger.

That one chick's butt was hanging out again.
#Prayers4DatGsDad

The Cruise Ship singer milked the goat and drank it. She started shoveling that manure like she had something to live for. SHE IS NOT JUST A CRUISE SHIP SINGER.

AND THEN THAT CHICK JUMPED OVER THAT FENCE.
Y'all. That was real. And it was awesome.
She is wearing those Nikes for a reason.

Carly, not just a Cruise Ship Singer, won and she did a terrible dance, which leads me to believe she will always be a cruise ship singer, SO.
Winning an all-expenses paid life trip to Iowa IS a step up.

------

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carly pulls Chris aside faster than that G jumped over that fence and everyone is mad.

She is dressed like a cruise ship singer. But, one who shops at Chico's on New Year's Eve at the last minute before heading to a hotel bar. Like, a hotel bar out by an airpot. One of those.

"You are a man and I am a woman." -- Carly
That was her excuse for kissing him.

Then, Chris starts kissing EVERYONE.

"There's a fair amount of kissing going on, which is the point of this whole deal." -- Chris
OH. 

AT LEAST HE'S BEING HONEST?

The chick with the baby named Kale called him out on it.

"Why are you kissing everyone else?" -- gUrl with kid named Kale

"Well, you know, eh. That's a good question. I don't know. Honestly, kissing is something, I think, part of a relationship, getting to know someone. I need to be who I am and put myself out there." -- Chris

If you ask someone why they are doing something kind of, sort of not cool and their answer is, "I need to be who I am," you need to follow-up with-- "are you 15?"

Only middle school gUrls yelling at their dads say shit like that.
Or gUrls who want to go to art school for $60,000 a year.

Chris follows up that convo by hugging a gUrl in a white dress.
I do not know her name. She feels a connection, but she doesn't want to "rush" anything, because this whole process is slow and methodical and thoughtful.

Carly was BOLD today and she really wants that rose.
She is seriously dressed like a newly divorced mom who's never been out on a Friday. No one else is wearing sequins.

gUrl in the white dress who hugged Chris got the rose.

CARLY IS MAD.

"Roseless feels so bad." -- Carly
But, not as good as skinny looks?

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME.

Is he on a date with a chipmunk drinking rosรจ?
(I closed my eyes for a second and that's all I heard was a chipmunk.)

"...She can roll the cob, you know what that means?" -- Chris
First off, rude.
Don't ask a gUrl if she understands, she does. 
Second, YOU ARE FROM IOWA. That's not like it's some weird Dutch saying your grandmother taught you from the old country. 

What is Iowa?

Ole chick says she meets people in airports and becomes their friend on Facebook. So, she's like a stalker.

THE INCESSANT GIGGLING IS MAKING ME WISH MY EARS WERE BLEEDING.

Chick wants to crash a wedding. Chris doesn't. He keeps waiting on an ABC Producer to swoop in and save him.

"YOLO!" -- Chick
CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF GIGGLING.

So, now they're totally ready to crash the wedding.

G is the gUrl who's been dreaming of her wedding say since she was a little gUrl.
OH, HOW NOVEL. YAWN.


"Worst thing today is we could end up in jail." -- Chris
NO, CHRIS. THIS WAS PRE-ARRANGED. 
YOU'LL BE FINE. 
YOLO, RIGHT?

They came up with wedding outfits VERY quickly.

They are VERY worried about people asking them why they are there. So, they walked around saying, "Bride or groom?"

HAVE THEY EVER BEEN TO A WEDDING?
JUST EAT THE FOOD AND DRINK THE DAMN WINE.
You don't have to make an emotional connection with any of these people, just go through the damn buffet line and don't throw up on the dance floor.

They ended up on the dance floor with the bride and groom.
Whitney thinks he's a great dancer and he's from Iowa and lives alone on a farm.

She is fairly inaccurate on her description of his dancing.

"I feel so blessed, honestly." -- Whitney, to Chris, while dancing
OH. SHIT. 

She says she's never felt a connection like this on a first date, which leads me to believe she's never 1.) been on a first date or 2.) gotten a little wine drunk on a first date.

"I feel like this is the beginning of a long journey of a lifetime." -- Whitney
That could be the opening line of about a dozen Lifetime movies. Right before someone gets hit in the head with a shovel. 

Chris is just AMAZED at the fact that Whitney could go to a wedding and act like a normal human being. He's so shocked he takes off into a dead sprint to go steal a rose from a table at the wedding.

CHRIS, HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN A DATE TO A WEDDING BEFORE?
If so, has she ever introduced herself to people before you could?
Did she dance with you?
Have you ever seen people at a wedding before? Were they wearing name tags?
What was so impressive to you?

WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? SERIOUSLY.

"This could be one of the greatest love stories of all-time." -- Whitney
gUrl, google: Abigail and John Adams.
That is the greatest love story of all-time. 
Good night and good luck. 

-----

Jimmy shows back up to tell the gUrls there is no cocktail party tonight.

POOL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You guys like the pool?" -- Jimmy
It's like everyone has to ask the gUrls questions you'd ask kindergartners.
I'm surprised he didn't tell them to wait 30 minutes after eating before getting into the pool. 


Chris arrives and he says it's his dream to have a pool party with 18 women.

Chris, I've been to about a million pool parties with just women and it's basically just gUrls swapping magazines and talking about being "so hot" without ever really getting in the pool. Nothing to write home about.

Britt sits down with Chris and we get an up-close view of that necklace he's wearing.

Britt asks him some questions, but before he can finish what he is saying, she just starts mugging down. He even tries to talk through the kissing and can't.

Jade wants to just "get in there" and have "no regrets."
So, in a bold move, she asks for a tour of his BachPad.

Jillian decides to head over there, too. She gets in his hot tub.

Jade decided to "test the bed out" with him.
She is legit wearing stripper heels with her robe and bikini.



At most pool parties, gUrls just wear flip-flops.

They make out on the bed.
Jillian is still waiting.

Chris decides to hit the hot tub with Jillian, while Ashley I. is in "super finding Chris mode." She thinks it's a treasure hunt. She finds him and isn't "interrupting, just joining."

I cannot take that chick seriously with the thing on her head and then the belly-button ring. That's a sure-fire sign of everything but wife.

There's some kissing in the hot tub. Well, on the ledge of the hot tub. To her credit, she didn't get in the hot tub and straddle him or anything.

gUrl with kid named Kale invades the hot tub right when the kissing stops.

It starts getting weird because all the gUrls interrupted the alone hot tub time, but Jillian just stands her ground and continues the conversation.

Ashley I. cries because that's just not how she would've handled it.

gUrl with the kid named Kale is just picking wedgies during all of this.

Ashley I. runs away.
Because, that's how to make your point about getting alone time.

Kale's Mom comes back to tell everyone else about what happened in the hot tub.

Chris arrives looking for Ashley I. and she immediately takes him upstairs.

"I felt pretty desperate." -- Ashley I.
NO. You?

"I just want everything to feel natural." -- Ashley I.
Oh. Okay. 

She basically cries during the time they are alone together and then, they kiss. Chris is super into gUrls crying. They kiss so much they almost fall off the ledge of the roof they are sitting on.

Ashley I.'s confidence is BACK.
So. LOOK OUT.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like that. Bathing suits and all.

Chris tells the gUrls he's been there before and he needs some time to think about his decisions.

Everyone puts on their prom attire and it's!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy is back.

Chris comes out and screws up his one job: giving a fake-ass speech before the rose ceremony.
He gets names wrong, says "amazing" so much he finally starts correcting himself and so on.

Some of these chicks are wearing earrings the size of a Ford Escort.

CAA (Crazy Ass Ashley) didn't get even a full minute of screen time, but totally got a rose.

LADIES, CHRIS, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley I. ain't got a rose yet, EVEN AFTER ALL THAT ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION, SHE IS NOT READY TO GO HOME.

PRAISE REPORT: SHE GOT THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think the gUrls practice their "thank you" whispers? I kind of do. No, I know they do. I think they rehearse a lot.

"You're a good gUrl." -- Chris, to gUrl in blue dress
Really great example of what not to say to a gUrl when you don't want to even fake date her any longer. 

Until next week.

1 comment:

The Bells said...

1. Rose from Kroger
2. Praise report
3. Someone gets hit in the head with a shovel

Just listing my fave lines.

What about all that boob that was hanging out while they tested the bed? Like, seriously Chris. Put on a shirt.

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