the bachelorette :: andi : the finale.

Remember how they said this was live? LIVE, like we're watching Andi float around on a boat in the moment. OR like some assholes are in a studio somewhere watching this play out like the rest of us in our homes?

Not live, ABC.
Not live.

Then, they told me it's the dramatic ending I won't see coming.
ABC is full of shit.

-----

Nick loves a three-quarter sleeve shirt. Nick a middle-aged woman who is worried about his arms.

Everyone is mad at Nick for being nervous.

Nick really wanted her mom to know how he feels. Andi's mom wants Nick to know that she is a lawyer and has a job. A job that is so important to her that she left it to go on this show.

"He can see my entire soul. He makes me me feel like a woman." -- Andi, to her sister
"Uh-uh. Yeah." -- Sister

Nick sits down with Dad.

"I feel the exact way about Andi that you do." -- Dad
WHAT. 
NO. 
HOW.

-----

Josh rolls up and he's "so nervous" to meet "you guys."

Everyone is just staring at Josh and you know what-- I think they're stereotyping him. And Josh hates being stereotyped. Andi's sister wants her to branch out. Andi thinks he's different and thinks he's stepped up.

I think I went to high school with Andi's brother-in-law. Can anyone confirm?

Andi's sister is trying to "grill" Josh, but she's just like, "So, you like her?" // "So, you've liked her for a few weeks?"

Dad pulls Josh aside.

"I'm ready. I've been ready for quite awhile." --Josh
"Is this a camp romance?" -- Dad

"It hasn't been all roses. We've had TOUGH conversations." -- Josh
LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Josh gets the blessing.

-----

ONE-ON-ONE TIME WITH JOSH!

They goin' on a boat! Flippy-floppies!

"You like nice, baby." -- Josh
After all these years, that's the worst thing I've ever heard on this show. 

Josh probably had so much fun in Urban Outfitters picking out that tank.

They are very loud kissers. Very loud.

"I'm ready to write that final chapter. And write another chapter." -- Josh
Oh, sweetie. He almost had it!

Andi just asked Josh straight up, "how was that asking for a blessing?"
In my experience, the gUrl doesn't really ask that.

IF SHE TELLS ME ONE MORE TIME THAT JOSH IS "HER TYPE" I'M GOING TO PUNCH A WALL.

"The future is very bright for us." -- Josh
Precious angel only knows cliches. 

Josh keeps talking about this "connection" he has with Andi, but IDK. I. DK.

"Love means everything to me. I love my family to death." -- Josh
: /

AFTER DATE ONE-ON-ONE TIME-- JUST TALKING AND RELAXING.

Josh and Andi, BOTH, want us to know that THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT BEFORE A PROPOSAL. THE LAST NIGHT TO GET SOME ASSURANCE.

Josh called it the "last date," because I don't think he understands anything. At all.

"There's no questions or answers that will change how I feel. RIGHT NOW." -- Josh
SO, LATER?

OH. I just noticed Josh's pink pants. He's the type of guy that is boisterous enough to not ever need to wear pink pants. He's not a pink pants type of guy.

"I really am #blessed." -- Josh

This guy made her a baseball card. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH NICK.

Riding in a Jeep with the top off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick looks very scared driving that thing on a dirt road. He probably drives a Mitsbushi Eclipse.

Andi is taking Nick to a VERY PRIVATE, SECRET lagoon. So private that no one could've possibly gotten a bottle of white wine out there.

Nick tells Andi that he made her mom cry-- IN THE GOOD WAY.

Nick wants Andi to know that he told her dad "they'd figure it out."

"It makes me feel things very deeply... it makes me feel sexy." -- Andi
She's officially felt all the feelings. 

Nick has 4 times the amount of clothes on that Andi does. He's got his three-quarter sleeve baseball tee on and her shirt is missing its entire back.

What store out there is still selling baseball tees? Like, multiple, fashion ones? I had one in middle school. And then I know Abercrombie sold them for a while. OMG. What if he stocked up on baseball tees at Abercrombie before this all started?

Nick wants to ramble. Andi wants him to ramble. I kind of want them to drown.

Andi told Nick to turn his brain off. He's starting to remind me of a sociopath.

"It's going to be all right." -- Andi
She's so comforting, y'all. 

"She's so reassuring." -- Nick
ALL SHE SAID WAS, "IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT."

Nick just needs to write a book of poetry or something. He needs to get these feelings out without the rest of us having to suffer through this.

"I can't wait to go grocery shopping with you." -- Nick
"What would we buy?" -- Andi

THEN. The rundown of the day started.

"Leave for work at 645-7. Probably text you 'I love you' a few times, call you, maybe get some lunch. Leave for home by 530-545, maybe go to the gym together. Cook some dinner, cuddle up, watch a movie. Makeout-ISH." -- Nick
CHICAGO SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST. 

He bought her a necklace made out of sand or something?

-----

Everyone is looking out over the water, JUST THINKING.

Nick has moved on to a wearing a tablecloth.

Josh sits down with Neil Lane. HE'S NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT RINGS BEFORE.

Andi heads on over to Nick's hotel room and the doomsday music is playing. She's either going to murder him (my vote!) or dump his ass.

Anybody who starts a serious conversation with "I don't know..." should not be allowed to have conversations with other adults. Clearly, she DOES know. She's lost all authority.

"I woke up like, the feeling is not right. It's not right. It's not what I envisioned. It's not right. Today is not right." -- Andi
So, Nick, today is going to go in your favor, because IT IS NOT RIGHT. 

"A life with you would be overanalyzing every single moment." -- Andi
WHOA.

Nick is not taking this well. He said a cuss word. He WAS excited. He WAS confident. He's crying.

"I feel like you took it too far." -- Nick
Never heard anyone say that before on this show. 
I wonder if Andi feels like she's breaking up with another gUrl?

And just like that, SHE GONE.
: (

IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE.
IN THE CARIBBEAN.

ABC, HOW DID YOU MAKE IT RAIN THERE?

Somehow, they both ended up in a van. Not just Nick.

Nick can't even talk. Which, is fine with me. I can't even listen to him anymore. Ever.

He is very upset.

-----

So, if this is supposed to be dramatic-- it's not.
She dumped a guy before he could even get down on one knee. It's the best when they drop to a knee and the gUrl is all, "Please get up...don't do that." Not tonight, folks. Not tonight.

Josh is crying to the camera just talking about proposing. That's kind of sweet in the way that I don't give a shit.

"When I decided to give up my first love, baseball, a big reason why is because I knew a greater love existed somewhere. I knew that in order to complete my life, to complete me, I needed to find that love. ... The kind of love that people sing about in songs... and then I found you.... Andi, you are the answer to all of my prayers, you are the woman I never thought existed.... That smile makes me feel like I can do anything in the world....When I look into your eyes I see so much beauty, so much passion, I see a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with." --- Josh

"It's crazy, all of this...definitely been a journey, you know? A journey. So many ups and downs, twists and turns...it has been a struggle, a challenge. The truth is that from the first time I met you I was scared...it has taken a lot, a lot of thought for me to get here... I know that feeling...I know that feeling is LOVE. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. I'm madly in love with you. YOU'RE IT. You're the one!" -- Andi

He proposed. She said yes.