I almost had to watch the 14-hour recap, but I remembered I don't care enough.
When we're reunited with our gUrl and guyz we're in France. Andi has never been to France before, so she got out her best leather pleated skirt for the day.
Josh M. is getting the first date in France and for the record: he doesn't speak French.
ChrissyPoo met up with Andi on the street, but I fast-forwarded because I'm on a budget.
Josh and Andi head out to begin their French journey. Voyage is French for journey. The two start off by walking around and making fun of the locals and eating sandwiches. Then, they head to a boat where Josh starts talking shit about golf and tennis. And then, he casually mentions that he was a second round draft pick out of high school for baseball. He says he stopped because he wanted a family.
I only report the facts here, so I feel like I should let everyone know that he never actually made it to the majors. He only got as far as AA ball which means he spent a lot of time in places like, Utah and Wisconsin or something. He then headed to the University of Georgia where he walked on to the football team and got his degree. So. I seriously doubt that he quit baseball because he wanted a family.
Andi is nervous that the only connection they have is physical. I dated a boy once who was constantly telling me he could beat me in tennis. Our relationship didn't last.
There are some racial tensions in the house between Marquel and Andrew. I feel bad for Marquel. He's genuinely upset and even cries a little.
Andi is still waiting for the mental and emotional connection with Josh. She wants to have an actual conversation with him. Andi, baby gUrl, I don't think that's too much to ask.
"I want you to know everything about me." -- Josh
"Well, you're my type." -- Andi
Josh asks if Andi has been cheated on before and Andi says yes, but it's because the other guy is an athlete. Josh does NOT want to be labeled an athlete, but he desperately wants everyone to know that he was drafted 48th overall, 7th in the second round of the 2002 Major League Baseball draft.
Josh told a story about how when he was like, 19 a gUrl cheated on him. And then, he had a gUrl that he did love, but not the marriage love.
This is the conversation I imagine two freshman in college having about their junior high relationships.
The day was just so perfect because they're both from Atlanta and in a palace, but everyone lowered their guards, so JOSH GETS THE ROSE.
Kissing. Personal performance by a guy on the street.
"This is awesome." -- Josh
You just aren't playing down the stereotype, bro.
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!
Marquel wants to focus his energy on Andi and not on his confrontation with Andrew. Also. This shirt. It's like a dri-fit Hawaiian shirt or something. In brief summation, it's the worst.
Andi is taking the guys to a mime class! Andi thinks non-verbal communication is important, so MIME.
"I have no idea what a mime does." -- Chris
Really? This is real?
"I've never mimed before." -- Andrew
These guys are acting like they're being asked to re-wire a building or something.
BUT, WHAT DO I DO? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
Hey, idiots, you're in France on a television show learning how to "mime," suck it up. It's not like you're going to perform for sick kids in a hospital or something. You're on the street. IN FRANCE. For free.
Andi is excited because some of the guys have really "stepped it up."
The guy with the pants re-enacted his first date with Andi while miming.
"The guys are willing to do anything to have fun." -- Andi
Nick decided he was over it and over the group date. He starts sulking and let's us all know that he's not even going to pretend like he's enjoying himself.
AFTER GROUP DATE COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right away, JJ sweeps Andi away to a ferris wheel. He's wearing a leather bomber jacket with a hoodie and a tie. Andi is wearing a sequined skirt. This G thinks she's Beyonce. Honestly, Tina Knowles has to be her personal style icon.
JJ just wanted some kissy-kissy time on the ferrish wheel and he got it.
Some of the bros confront Nick over his attitude. This is right after they decide it's time to put some of the bromances aside and focus on the competition of winning Andi's heart and sequined skirt collection.
Andi and JJ return right about the time Nick tells everyone HE IS THE FRONT RUNNER.
HE IS THE JOHNNY MANZIEL OF THIS SHOW.
"It was weird, we just had a date about communication." -- Andi
This gUrl. OY.
Andi tries to ask Chris about what's going on, while Cody is confronting Nick. He feels mocked. HE REALLY DOES FEEL LUCKY AND DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM.
Cody decides to tell Andi that he thinks Nick made fun of him for being "thankful." Andi is very concerned. She thought tonight was going to be really fun and now everyone is making fun of everyone. : (
HER ENTIRE FIELD TRIP HAS BEEN RUINED.
Nick gets his alone time and tells Andi that he had "a lot of fun."
Andi is really picking up on the non-verbal clues that something is going on between Nick and some of the bros.
"Are you not going to tell me? If I was your wife would you tell me?" -- Andi
Well-played. Kind of.
Andi is wondering if Nick is manipulating her. I would like to remind her that a GROWN ASS MAN just tattletaled on another GROWN ASS MAN for "hurting his feelings."
Then, Nick read a poem or a letter or an original screenplay or something.
"When I see you I smile; when I see you I blush; when I see you I get nervous; when I see you my chest bursts with excitement; when I see you I see beauty; when I see you I see strength, when I see you I see purpose; when I see you I see a future. Nick."
I guess he wrote this so she has something for her scrapbook, but it all seemed pretty cliche and like something you'd text to someone after you come home a little drunk on the third date.
Marquel is ready to confront Andrew. Though I feel like race relations in this country still have a long way to go, this recap is not the place for us to discuss them.
Marcus takes Andi to a cave and toasts some red wine with her.
Andrew gets some time with Andi, "just a few minutes." He called the entire day "interesting."
After all of this JJ, the pants guy, gets the rose.
Nick is not happy.
He kind of has the emotions of an 8th grade gUrl who isn't great at math, but is good at everything else.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH BRIAN!!!!!!!!!!
Andi feels like Brian is really open with her.
"Today's just really about being romantic." -- Andi
SHE REALLY GETS IT.
They head to an old school "theater" to watch a movie.
"It's a story about cooking, but also romantic." -- Andi
I can't imagine a worse movie for a dude to be watching. Especially a middle school basketball coach.
After the movie the two head out to get some cooking supplies.
She's now quoting the movie like it's "Casablanca" or something.
They head to a kitchen and start marinading!
"You can ask my mom-- I don't cook!" -- Brian
He says that like we need to ask his mom if his high school basketball jersey really is retired.
Brian kind of starts acting like a D-bag and Andi is all, "but it looked so fun in the movie!"
Actually, I was pretty on her team. I'm not sure what this dude's problem was. It's not like it was a cooking competition and he had to prove himself. He just had to like, watch her chop carrots and comment on how sexy she looks while chopping. Then, he needed to eat the foot without being a little bitch.
"How does your mom make mashed potatoes?" -- Andi
"I don't know! I just eat them!" -- Brian
Must be some secret family recipe. Gah. Calm down.
They dig into the frog legs and then Andi starts making more than one penis joke.
After deciding they hate their meal the two ditch it for a street side cafe.
Brian is now regretting his behavior. He's all, "I was soooooo out of my comfort zone."
LIKE, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK TO THIS GUY ABOUT GENDER ROLES.
DOES HE KNOW ANDI IS A LAWYER AND SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO COOK EVERY NIGHT?
WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO ABOUT HILLARY IN 2016?
Now, Andi is totally cool with his behavior and he gets the rose.
This guy acted like a little gUrl all day and I'm pretty mad.
IT WAS COOKING.
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andi is feeling a lot of emotions. She sits down with Chris and tells Chris she wants to send THREE guys home. THREE. There's nothing that will change her mind. THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY!
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
We waste no time (JK, that's all these assholes do is waste my time!) and get right to it.
Andi, gentleman, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cody gets the final rose.
Andrew goes home and he says "it's not fair."
Some guy I thought was the opera singer is going home.
"I've heard from people, not just gUrls, that are really paramount in being a good husband." -- That guy who isn't the opera singer
Marquel said he now believes in love again after meeting Andi. He cried.
A few other things probably happened, but I turned it off.