Two-night Bachelor "special" event is code for: we are all going to die here.
We may skip a lot to cover two nights of this.
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HOMETOWN DATES!!!!!!!
Nikki is so excited to share Kansas City with JP. She thinks he is so fun and amazing.
They go to Oklahoma Joe's BBQ and she calls it "one of the most famous barbecue places in Kansas City." TRY THE WORLD, BABY GURL.
JP loved it. He made a lot of weird noises while eating it.
Next, Nikki took JP to a mechanical bull. Because, when I think of Kansas City-- I think of mechanical bulls. She's really captured the essence of the city with this decision.
"It's pretty hot watching Juan Pablo on a bull." -- Nikki
It's not.
We head to Nikki's parents house and it looked way more like a library than a house. And her brothers look like bad J. Crew models. These people got some cash on hand.
They sit down to dinner and mama bear pulls Nikki aside before they could even take a bite of whatever that was on their plates. Maybe barbecue, but also, maybe other stuff.
Mama bear asks if there's a "mental attraction" there. I think Nikki just lied to mama bear's face, because how can there be? I'm convinced he's not mentally capable of fully understanding a plot to a Berenstain Bears book.
Papa bear sits down JP and asks why he likes her. Something, something.
REMEMBER THAT DRESS NIKKI WORE IN MIAMI? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT THESE ARE HER PARENTS?
Papa bear has spent some time in politics. He said "trust" way too many times.
Papa bear asked, specifically, what it is about the relationship that leads her to believe this is IT. She can't put her finger on it, she can't describe it, but it's just MAGICAL. That's just a NO, Nikki.
Nikki had the best day ever. She feels good about her family and she wants to tell JP she loves him.
Kissing on the porch. The car starts before Nikki can tell him, she cries.
SHE DIDN'T TELL HIM!!!!!!
It didn't feel right. She came SO close, but she didn't.
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Next, we're headed to Andi's hometown, the A-T-L, and she's ready to be on her turf.
When they meet up, she's standing dangerously close to the edge of that pond. I was very worried she would take a wrong step in those wedges on that wood and just ruin everything.
Andi tells JP she has something "crazy" in mind for him, because he made her do "crazy" things. He waned to know what "crazy" things and she said, "soccer, dancing..." THOSE ARE NOT CRAZY THINGS.
Andi takes JP to the gun range.
Fast forward.
Time for family dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's dying inside.
Andi's family has placed a sign on the door reading, "Welcome Home, Pookie!" I dig that.
Andi starts crying the second she walks in the door.
Andi is still waiting to fall in love, she's so close and needs her family to go ahead and tell her to fall in love.
JP and Andi tell the love story and basically, they just talk about how they've been on a bunch of group dates. Daddy Bear is MAD. He doesn't think it's all that funny. It was awkward and not cute at all.
Hy, Andi's father, is not impressed. He looks like he's being tortured. So, basically-- he's a completely normal human father, who wants the best for his daughter and this is not the best.
Apparently, Andi has never heard the story of her parents meeting and engagement. She thinks 6 months of dating before engagement is equivalent to this. It is not.
Patti pulls JP aside and she asks why he likes her. The answer is somewhat scattered.
"She's beautiful, first. Second of all, she's smart. Very smart. She's got values. I say something she'll boom, bang, back and fourth we can go for hours, it's been like that since then." -- JP
Since, what?
The conversation last zero seconds before Patti requested to watch Andi and JP dance.
If this was me, my mom would say, "Okay, let me see the two of you do a craft project."
Hy sits down with his whiskey and he has a few questions.
JP says his reasonings for going on the show and I'm confused. Something about people knowing who he is and that he has a daughter.
JP straight up asks if Hy would accept JP and Camila into the family.
"It's an issue of finding someone good enough for me." -- Hy, normal american dad
PREACH.
Hy asks JP to put himself in his shoes and tells him, "you better come back and tell me there is no one else in the world for me."
LET'S GET HY A SHOW!!!!!!!!!
Andi confesses that she's not totally convinced she's in love with JP. Her sister agrees and she just doesn't know if JP is the one for her.
Andi's family is ballsy. And I'm into it.
Andi sits down with Hy. He's very concerned that Andi is going to get hurt. He's very concerned that JP is dating three other people, so at this point, we do need to remind him of the premise of the show.
Andi's answer for almost everything is, "we get along really well." I get along with a lot of of people who work at Target.
The night is finally over and Andi asks JP to sit down and chat.
JP keeps saying that the day was great. I'm not sure he fully understands that these people did NOT enjoy his company.
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Time for Renee's family!!!!!
We learn that JP is going to meet Ben at a little league baseball game. She's the only mom sitting on a blanket in the parking lot cuddling with a man.
Ben arrives and I guess this is the first she's ever seen him? I'm confused by this meeting. Hasn't she been home for a few days? I don't want to dwell on this, but I'm lost.
ALSO, WHY IS BEN WEARING PINK SOCKS WITH HIS JERSEY?
And. At this point, I'm super supportive of Renee finding a man to be Ben's step-father. He should not have on pink socks. I mean, unless he's really into breast cancer awareness or something.
Instead of warming up with his team, Ben has to hang in the parking lot with his mom's creepy boyfriend. : (
Ben made a diving catch and then the game was over, so they headed over to Renee's family house.
"Did you meet the coach?" --Renee's Mom
"No, but I saw him." -- Renee
Not the same.
Also, during this conversation Renee learns that Ben has been making bracelets since she's been gone and she realizes she's missed out on a lot.
Mom sits down with JP and asks about the chemistry. She looks very uncomfortable.
Then, Mom heads up to talk to Renee. She's looking for that sparkle in her eyes. She just wants her to be happy and IN LOVE.
"... and more so, I want you to be in love... because, we can love our pets, but I want you to be in love with the man you want to be with." -- Mom
THIS.
"Everything has been very easy and natural." -- Renee
Say, who?
RENEE.
This is not easy and it sure as hell isn't natural.
Renee sits down with her dad and her dad can "see the glow." He hasn't seen that in a long time.
Renee is into it. She wants a step-dad for Ben.
Her heart is on the line. She doesn't want to feel heartbreak.
They kissed and said thank you a lot. Like, dozens of thank yous.
Renee says it didn't flow and it didn't come out. She didn't tell him she was in love. She wanted to tell him, but she didn't. She's frustrated.
If you're keeping score at home, JP is the first bachelor in history to be 0-3 on "I love you" at the end of hometown dates.
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We're headed to Clare's hometown. Sac-town.
She takes him to a rose garden.
"I have a good time and I smile when I am with her." -- JP
I smile when I go to the dentist, this means nothing.
JP is ready to go with the flow. He's ready to see why she is the way she is.
To get fancy for the evening, JP throws on a button-down over his very gray t-shirt. He's going to meet five sisters and a mom. He should've tried a little harder, I think.
FIRST THINGS FIRST: CLARE'S FAMILY DOES NOT LOOK LIKE HER.
We can leave it at that.
There are too many sisters to like, keep up with this. I haven't exactly figured out which one is the mom.
Somehow, one of the sisters has figured out about the "swimming." All the "swimming" that happened in Vietnam. So, like, she knows about the "swimming."
SWIMMING, IN THIS CASE, IS CODE FOR SEX.
She knows about the sex.
One of the sisters pulls Clare outside almost immediately. She is happy and sister knows that, she can see it on her face.
Clare reveals that she would say "yes" in a heartbeat. IN A HEARTBEAT.
Two of the other sisters have pulled JP aside.
I think there are still other sisters inside.
JP pulls the dad card on these gUrls and like, RUDE.
"Someday, I want Camila to say, 'my dad was this, this, this.'" --JP
USE REAL WORDS. WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO THINK?
Clare sits down with another sister and mom. Other sister wants to know how hurt she'll be if she isn't chosen. Clare says it's okay if that happens. SHE IS LYING.
Sister knows how this show works and she knows that sometimes, the guys ask for a marital blessing at this point in the show. Sister says they are not ready for that yet. Mom is sitting right there and she hasn't said a word. Clare isn't doing anything because it's a show.
Clare just wants them to want happiness for her.
Sister stands up and gets up in Clare's face.
"You're not respecting mama." -- Sister
Mama hasn't said a word yet.
It's getting kind of weird.
Clare agrees that it is getting weird.
Sister gets up and stands in the dark to listen to the conversation.
Clare finally asks her mom, kind of, if she can fall in love and get married? Actually, I have no idea what she asked. Mom didn't get a chance to answer because sister kept interrupting.
EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING, "MAMA."
I don't like this.
WHERE IS JUAN PABLO?
Clare cries to another sister. She doesn't deserve to have this taken from her. I'm not sure what is being taken from her. She's already lost all of her pride.
They said "mama" again.
"Mama" tally: 769
Crazy sister wants to be involved in JP's convo with mama. JP calms Clare down and is NOT scared of sister.
At this point, MAMA, still has not uttered a single word this entire time.
Real question: can mama hear?
Everyone says, "family is our thing." Like, what person in all the world, wouldn't agree with that?
Oh. Sister leaves and now Mama is talking and she's speaking Spanish. They come from a religious family. Something, something. She says she trusts Juan Pablo and I'm like...WHAAAAAAAT.
She says she would be very happy to have JP in the family, but knows it's up to him.
This is all a lot.
I thought JP was leaving, but first they go sit on a bench and kiss. Clare doesn't want JP to leave. Now, he's leaving. Clare is crying. Kissing by the car.
We learn that Clare would ABSOLUTELY LOVE to marry him. She says it 189 times. So many times. When you say it that many times, it sounds more crazy than sincere. Repeating yourself over and over again doesn't clarify the statement.
CLARE DOES NOT TELL JUAN PABLO SHE IS IN LOVE.
THERE WERE NO "I LOVE YOU" MOMENTS DURING ANY HOMETOWN GOODBYE SCENES.
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FUN AND GAMES ARE OVER. WE'RE BACK IN MIAMI AND IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY.
Juan Pablo comes out dressed in all black. It's like he knows this has been a total funeral for everyone.
Three roses, four ladies.
The **~~DrAMa~~**
LADIES, JUAN PABLO THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT.
ANDI GETS THE ROSE OVER RENEE.
Juan Pablo is crying, because he's very dumb.
That is all I can say at this point.
He's very dumb.
JP sits down with Renee to talk it out.
She finally tells him that she fell in love with him, but it's okay, because (TO TOTALLY TAKE ONE FROM ALADDIN), he totally opened up her eyes to a WHOLE NEW WORLD.
Nothing happens. Hugs. Respect. Holding hands as they walk out. Which, the hand holding after the break-up has always just been odd to me. You break-up with me, I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOU. DON'T HOLD MY HAND, ASSHOLE.
In the limo, Renee tells us that she wanted this more than anything. She understands that maybe, he likes the other gUrls more. Because, this is a TV show.
"I want Ben to see what love is." -- Renee
My only advice is to tell you: DO NOT LET HIM WATCH EVEN HALF OF A SECOND OF THIS SHOW.
Why do people in the limo always tell us that, "I have a lot of love to give." Like, what? I guess, I do, too. But, I think almost everyone is capable of giving a lot of love. IDK. Dogs have a lot of love to give, too. DOGS. DOGS.
IDK.
We have to do this again tonight. I hope my computer breaks in the next 12 hours.
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