All night, on the beach till the break of dawnWelcome to MiamiBuenvenidos a Miami
It's all coming up tonight, on The Bachelor.
The first thing JP wants to do is see his family. He's ditched the Maserati for a Jeep Patriot. I don't think they make those anymore.
JP interrupts Camilla's coloring time by whistling obnoxiously like a dog for her to hear and come running. This is a great thing to teach your young child. And it's probably very good for the grocery store, too, if you get separated.
The gUrls are staying where Kim and Kourtney took Miami, so it's pretty cool.
JP's brother has adult braces and is getting the low-down on the ladies. JP is dishing on these ladies like he is a lil' lady himself.
JP shows up to the hotel suite very unexpectedly and purposely. And he wants to Sharleen get ready, right there on the spot, so she can "sea" the city. Clare doesn't think Sharleen reacted the way she should've to getting this date, but Sharleen is VERY confused right now. She's missing that cerebral connection. Which, means BRAIN CONNECTION. She's missing the brain connection.
"What IS Sharleen?" -- Clare
Honestly, rudest thing I've ever heard anyone say on this show.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!
Here I am in the place where I come let go
Miami the base and the sunset glow
Everyday like a mardi gras, everybody party all day
No work all play, okay
Miami the base and the sunset glow
Everyday like a mardi gras, everybody party all day
No work all play, okay
JP takes Sharleen to a huge ass yacht (HAY). Sharleen thinks today is the day that she should know if she loves him. Baby gUrl, you're on P. Diddy's yacht, you don't have to love him RIGHT NOW. Just be a Kardashian for a minute.
Sharleen feels like they "don't get each other" and JP tells her to loosen up.
I feel sad because purple linen shorts with a teal top.
Sharleen has trouble NOT kissing Juan Pablo, I'm assuming that's because it's easier to kiss him than talk to him. (Oh, nailed it! Zing!)
Not one thing has happened on this HAY past getting on the boat and making out.
They get off the boat and I think they went to a sandbar by the airport, because I can hear airplanes.
Sharleen puts opera singing before EVERYTHING else, but she's ready for change because she can deal with change, she'd handle changes many times. She's into change.
I guess, she's willing to change her career? IDK.
You know what she needs to change? That bathing suit.
This date is still happening. And they head back to the HAY.
Sharleen has a flicker in her heart, but she still needs a mental connection.
She has to find that mental connection tonight. I really hope she brought an English to Spanish dictionary.
"You're good at not trying to impress me." -- JP
This is not a compliment. At all.
So far, the mental connection is just kissing.
You know who will be VERY upset when she watches this? Clare and Camilla. Camilla isn't supposed to see Daddy do this.
Sharleen thinks she can introduce JP to her family. She thinks it could work.
"I wish I was dumber." -- Sharleen
This is her way of saying, IF I WASN'T SO SMART, THIS WOULD SOOOOOO WORK.
I'm not sure JP has any idea what is happening, so he's like, just kissing her.
Sharleen is hearing voices. They are saying: THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
I've never in my life thought, "I wish I was dumber." Maybe I've thought, "I wish I wouldn't share so much knowledge with people about Gerald Ford, when they make a joke about going to the Betty Ford Center," but I've never wanted to be less smart.
This G has a problem.
Of course, Sharleen comes home and Renee is sitting around like a fun, cool mom waiting on her, ready to talk.
"Time is irrelevant." -- Renee
Renee tells Sharleen that if she left right now, SHE WOULD REGRET IT FOREVER.
Sharleen doesn't know what to do.
Today is Nikki's date!!!!!! No one is more excited than Nikki and nurses everywhere.
She is absolutely falling in love with Juan Pablo.
She wants to do what's right.
JP is taking Nikki to Camilla's dance recital.
I am very confused by this, BECAUSE.
Not only is this his Forever Valentine, but his ex will be there, too.
This is the best thing I've ever seen on television.
He cut off that car in traffic like WHAT.
That Jeep Patriot though.
That flower arrangement is WHACK.
I am the world's worst gUrl and I can recognize what a shit arrangement that is AND I'm pretty sure I could arrange a better one with stuff from a gas station. He paid real money for that.
If there's a sure-fire way to take every bit of attention off a young gUrl and her dance classmates during a recital it is this. And let me tell you, it's hard to take the attention off of a bunch of small dancers.
Camilla has a solo, so I'm assuming ABC arranged this somehow. I am not stupid. You don't get solos during dance recitals. I was in a dance recital once and trust me, I wanted a solo.
JP gave that ugly ass arrangement to his daughter and then told him to give them to her mom, his ex-girlfriend. WHAT?
Tomorrow is the ex's burrday. Nikki wished her a happy burrday and then Nikki realized this could be her life.
You know what is the most sad out of all of this? They are making that poor, innocent child eat BAKED! Cheetos. BAKED. The kid is a kid and kid's need Cheetos, the bad ones.
Also. After all that about kissing and being a parent and blahblah, is this really what just happened? That dance recital took 14 minutes. He could've gone on the date afterward, right? I just can't.
JP is taking Nikki to his "office," which happens to be at Marlins Park. I'm not even mad that he got to drive up there like that, because no team needs exposure as bad as the Marlins. Nikki seems shocked that the stadium is empty, but like, it's always empty. Even when the Marlins are playing.
Okay. Let's talk about Nikki's outfit.
I don't know.
Just, I'm real glad she didn't wear that to dance recital.
That shirt. That shirt. That shirt.
Only a gUrl with two Ks and an I would roll up to a date in that shirt.
Nikki is concerned about the ex, Carla.
JP says she is totally okay with all of this, "She's fine. This is normal to us."
"If the moon and the sky want us to be together, then this is how it is." -- JP
The sky don't give half a shit about you being with anyone.
Listen, maybe Carla is a chill ass chick and they work together well because they have a kid, but Carla was NOT enthused about being on this show. I know a pissy gUrl when I see one.
Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo.
"The rest of my life I want a forever." -- Nikki
She's been listening to Juan Pablo talk too much, because that wasn't a sentence.
Sharleen has made a decision.
Her hair looks BANGIN'.
"Why are you fancy?" -- Everyone, to Sharleen
Sharleen feels super conflicted, she doesn't want to take a hometown spot away from someone, so she's leaving tonight.
She is sad. It's taking all of her will power to do this.
The other ladies are shocked, but duh, no one tried to talk her out of this.
She heads to JP's door and he's wearing the token Bachelor hoodie.
She starts talking and JP interrupts (TYPICAL) and she's all, SHUT UP.
She starts whispering. And I mean WHISPERING.
She says she cannot get to a proposal in 3 weeks.
She feels some way, but does not really clarify what those feelings are exactly.
He is wearing blue sweatpants and a blue hoodie.
So much blue sweats.
Is this a breakup or a conversation?
I JUST PUT THE CLOSED-CAPTIONING ON.
"If you would not come here, I would not meet you."Can he really not figure out how to say that? I mean.
You're different in a good way. " -- JP
JP is upset. He's also wearing flip-flops that you wear after a pedicure.
JP was going to give her a hometown date. JP cries to the camera and gives a weird speech about appreciation and honesty.
Sharleen gets in a cab. NOT A LIMO.
"I wish I didn't always have to make choices." -- Sharleen
Said the adult.
Sharleen doesn't think JP has what she is looking for, in terms of a forever.
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!
Everytime the ladies pass, they be like (Hi Will)Can y'all feel me, all ages and racesReal sweet facesEvery different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, JamaicanBlack, White, Cuban, and AsianI only came for two days of playingBut everytime I come I always wind up stayinThis the type of town I could spend a few days inMiami the city that keeps the roof blazin
Sharleen be like, BYE, so these ladies know they are even closer to getting a hometown date.
Andi wants to just hold it together, but she knows that probably won't happen.
At this point, I really want her to hold it together.
JP picks up everyone in a seaplane, instead of his Jeep Patriot.
He wants quality one-on-one time. But, he's on a group date.
They go to a beach and JP lets them know that he's going to give out a rose during the day and the recipient will get a date later that evening.
The science educator then explains this further to the rest of us.
This is usually Chrissy Poo's job, so I hope I understand the rules.
Chelsie gets her time with JP and reads a bunch of notes from her mom.
Basically, her mom gives her to the best advice ever given to anyone on a show.
Don't drink too much, keep your clothes on. GO MOM.
Andi actually tells JP she's getting ready for a breakdown.
This is when I wish she could text her gUrls and tell them this.
You always gotta text your Gs when you're about to breakdown.
Andi is scared to let JP meet her family if there are no certainties.
She's all, "I don't want to bring you into my family's life, if I don't know the future."
And I'm all: THEY ARE GOING TO FAKE EAT ITALIAN FOOD WITH THIS MAN FOR 45 MINUTES. THEY WILL BE FINE.
Clare is stressing about getting that rose and the extra date.
"He'll pick whoever he wants to spend time with, you know?" -- Clare
Yes, Clare. I do know that.
Clare gets her time with JP and he wants to know who he is going to meet at home.
Everyone is all: I don't want you to meet my family, because IDK.
And I'm all: don't ask the guy to be in your sister's wedding photos. Just go to dinner and like, ask basic questions about childhood.
JP, of course, says he wants to meet Clare's dad. Um. He's not alive, so that's kind of rude.
I guess Clare's dad made a video for the man who might want to marry Clare. It's in a bank vault and no one has ever seen it.
ANDI GETS THE ROSE.
It's like JP knew she really needed that.
"I deserve something amazing and wonderful. ... It doesn't make sense to me." -- Clare
This shouldn't be her reaction.
She thinks she's really put herself out there and the gUrls who are getting JP's attention are the gUrls who are also acting like normal gUrls and have a few doubts.
I think we have reached the point of the show where Clare has figured out this is a competition, too.
And baby gUrl wants to win.
You don't frolic in the ocean in Vietnam to not win.
JP takes Andi to some club and makes Andi dance on a stage. He just got up in the middle of some performance and made her dance. There are other gUrls dancing, but it's all very weird. The other gUrls looked like they were at some church group/bachelorette party. There were no other couples on stage.
The other gUrls get back to the suite and Clare can't help but feel disappointed.
They tell Nikki what happened and everyone is kind of giggling and recognizing that it kind of sucks and is kind of awkward.
CLARE IS MAD, but she is NOT checked out.
Whatever Clare said made Nikki MAD, too, so she DID check out.
Clare is not okay with being disrespected.
We have now reached the point of the show where someone has been not at all disrespected, but feels disrespected.
Nikki felt like the conversation was about to turn sour, so she got up and left to avoid talking about others.
Clare is mad because Nikki thinks this is all fun and games.
Nikki asks Clare to excuse herself from her room.
"This is not your room." -- Clare
"It's not? Did you sleep in here?" -- Nikki
"No, did you pay for it?"
"No, did you?"
"No. So, it's neither of our rooms. It's open space."
We have reached the point of the show where it gets even worse than it was.
Clare just told Nikki she couldn't have personal space, because ABC paid for that hotel suite, not her.
This is where I wish I was dead.
"Clare is like a dog, she peed on him first, like she claimed her territory. But, she claimed some territory that might not be her's." -- Nikki
I think what makes me most sad about this situation is that I've heard other gUrls, in my real life, talking like this before and they were discussing gUrls that met guys at church. : (
That whole conversation was like, real dumb.
Honestly, I think my brother and I had that conversation A LOT when I wanted him to leave my room.
PRE-PARTY ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!
"I need this guy to see my hometown." -- Chelsie
This is something I have honestly never said out loud.
Chelsie is stressed about the Nikki-Clare situation.
The conversation turns to: jewelry you wear all the time.
This is a conversation I could actively participate in because I wear the same pair of earrings every single day.
"If JP goes to Clare's hometown, she has a giant-crazy family to meet. She didn't get crazy on her own." -- Nikki
This isn't always a fair observation.
Nikki is not nervous, even though she doesn't have a rose.
She's ready to get this over with so she can take her "boyfriend" home to meet her family.
Chelsie and Clare don't want Nikki to get a rose.
They are not excited that she is still here.
Renee thinks Nikki is a mannequin.
JP joins in on the WORST PARTY EVER.
Finally, Chrissy Poo swoops in and pulls JP aside.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yo I heard the rainstorms ain't nothin to mess with
But I can't feel a drip on the strip, it's a trip
Ladies half-dressed, fully equipped
And they be screamin out, (Will we loved your last hit)
Chrissy tells everyone that the roses represent each of their hometowns.
This is so dramatic.
I wonder if Chris writes his own scripts. I bet he does.
JP honestly speaks like a cartoon character.
He says, "AYYYYYYY" all the time.
"It's horrible being here right now." -- JP
FINALLY. SOMEONE SAID WHAT WE ARE ALL THINKING.
Nikki gets the first rose.
Clare gets the second rose.
(dramatic music, crescendo)
RENEE GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
Chelsie, be like, AYYYYYYY.
Say dem goodbyes, Science Educator!
JP is crying. Like, crying.
This is crap.
Clare thinks JP made, "such a mistake."
Chelsie wants JP and herself to have the "best match out there."
LIMO OF SADNESS AND HEARTACHE.
I like that JP has kept older women around. People closer to his age and maybe a little more ready for step-motherhood.
He cries so much.
He thinks he's tricking me, but he is not tricking me.
I don't think he's that into this whole process and that he feels that bad.
Next week we get TWO NIGHTS of Hell.
We have to watch "double the romance" and "double the drama."
I'd rather live in a gas station than watch two episodes of this next week.