Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 6.

Wild horrrrrrses couldn't drag me to New Zealand for this guy.

Real pretty though.

"It's a beautiful place with rivers and mountains." -- JP
So many words. 

The ladies are in New Zealand and they pretty into it.

Cassandra thinks it is weird and selfish to be in New Zealand, which I admire her for having feelings.

"Guys, we are in New Zealand." -- EVERYONE

Clare is still pretty upset about what happened in Vietnam, which YEAH. She gave it up, he took it and then scolded her.

Andi gets the one-on-one date and is invited to "heat things up."

Cassandra is upset that she doesn't have the one-on-one. She spent A LONG TIME (like, 2 years) not dating and now she is dating and she did NOT come here to iron. Of course, she's explaining all of this to Renee. I feel bad for Renee, she has to deal with every single one of these morons problems.

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Andi is explaining the group's collective feelings like those of a volcano: BUBBLING, HIGH TENSION.

"Andi's got it going on." -- JP

JP takes Andi on the world's fastest riverboat cruise. This is not your grandmother's riverboat.

"I'm riding on this jet boat with Andi." --JP, describing the date
Very accurate, JP.

The boat slows down and everyone observes that it's raining, BUT THE RAIN IS THE LAST OF THEIR WORRIES. THEY ARE GOING SWIMMING. Wah-wah.

Andi, the classiest lady to ever be on this show is wearing a one-piece. It's not from Land's End or anything, she looks totally normal and cute.

Andi thinks they are going to a hot spring, but not she's wondering where he is taking her. She can't be that worried. There's a camera ahead of her.

I'm wondering if this water is stagnant. And are they wearing shoes?

JP continues to lead her into the woods/water and suddenly, FERN GULLY.

It's a hot waterfall! They kiss under the waterfall. And. That was it. Oh, the classic straddle. After that, that was it.

They leave the waterfall (and the rivers and the lakes they used to know) and head to dinner on top of a geyser. JP tries to feed her food, which is the first time I've seen him eat on one of these dinner dates.

The geyser completely ruined the dinner and they are soaking wet, so they leave. I'm just wondering what they thought would happen? I can't think of a worse place to try and have dinner. Minus: underwater, on top of a moving vehicle, at an Applebee's.

Andi don't care that her dinner is ruined, she cares about the company. I care that JP is wearing that scarf like a woman. Plus, a turtleneck. It's a lot. I think that scarf is silk.

The number one thing JP wants in life is LOVE and KIDS, that's why he is there.

PRAISE REPORT: the geyser did not ruin the rose. Andi gets the rose.

Kissing.

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GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

It's Cassandra's 22nd burrday. 22?! That can't be real.

JP is taking the ladies on a picnic and they are toasting with hot water? Coffee? Tea? And if I'm Cassandra I'm mad. I want a drAnk on my burrday.

The science educator steals JP and JP tells the ladies to, "look at the cows."

JP walks the ladies over a hill and they learn that their "adventure" for the day is going to be THROWING UP. They have to roll down the hill in giant balls and bikinis. Not sure why the bikinis are necessary. Oh, there's water in there?

Apparently this is called: OGO.

More like: OHNO.
(Nailed it.)

Everyone seems to be enjoying this activity, especially Nikki because she got some kisses in the OGO.

**Winter weather advisory, I have no idea if I missed anything.**

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

The group heads to Hobbiton, where "Lord of the Rings" was filmed. (SHOUT OUT TO KATHAR!!!!!!!!!!!)

JP pulls Renee aside and I couldn't understand anything he says other than, "a lot."

Renee takes over and tells JP that she is excited that there are guys out there who don't look at her as a part of a package. She is happy. JP is happy. Kissing. BUT, THE KIDS?!

Renee loooooooovvvvveeessssss kissing Juan Pablo, she'd love to kiss him for the rest of her life.

JP takes a photo. It's blurry.

Now, Nikki gets some time and JP takes her to the exact same bench. She's wearing a sequin skirt and wants to express her feelings, but she's not good with feelings, so comfort zone.

Nikki is scared because she is falling for him and her natural reaction is pull back, but irony because she's wearing a sequin skirt. People who want to pull back don't wear sequins.

Kissing.

The gUrls not currently on that bench outside are breaking down the difference between getting a rose on a group date versus getting a rose during the ROSE CEREMONY.

Shockingly, Sharleen is questioning her feelings. She heads to that same bench, but JP switches sides to make things a little different. Sharleen can barely say hello before he kisses her and she calls him out on it, but they kiss some more. He's in a very kissy mood tonight. Sharleen pulls away again.

"How do you think I'm feeling right now?" -- Sharleen
ITZ A TRAP, JP!!!!!!

I guess JP nailed the answer, but I bet he had no idea what "inorganic" meant. More kissing.

Back inside, the burrday party for the 22-year-old has started. She blows out a candle from the New Zealand version of Bath and Body Works. : (

We finally get our first LOTR impression and Cassandra finally gets her time alone with JP. I think they head to the same bench.  How is there not another bench on this property? Hobbits don't do benches? I have to be honest, I have NO knowledge of hobbits.

Cassandra really appreciates JP. Before this, she was so content to just be 21 and be a mom. But, now she's 22 and she has more love to give. She's excited to be there and she thinks JP is really genuine. There was no kissing.

Renee is rooting for Cassandra. But, Sharleen gets the rose?! Must've been that fringe Kim Kardashian one-piece from earlier that sealed the deal.

JP pulls Cassandra aside and, well. We know what is about to happen.

It's raining.

JP is about to let this fish go.
JP is releasing Cassie back into the wild.
JP is dumping the 22-year-old former NBA dancer.

JP is wearing a Members Only jacket.

He tells Cassandra that she can't wait one more day to see her son, but like, New Zealand is FAR. Like, far. So, it could actually be a couple of days.

I think he handled that well. There was no connection, so he put her in that mini-van of doom and bid her adieu!

Have you ever seen a manlier umbrella? Where do you get a clear umbrella?

I don't want to hate on Cassie gUrl, but she keeps saying, "I've been waiting so long." SHE IS 22. Heartache hurts at all ages, sure. But, if you're 22, you haven't been waiting that long for love.

What is this music?

JP explains to the ladies that he didn't see a future with Cassandra and he wanted her to go home AS SOON AS POSSIBLE to see her son. He sure uses his kid and other kids as excuses a lot.

WHAT IS THAT SLEEPING CAT???????

The music, still.

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Baby lambs! We will wear them as fleece soon!!!!!!!

IT IS TIME FOR CLARE'S ONE-ON-ONE, BUT NOT BEFORE JP CAN FACETIME WITH THIS ETERNAL VALENTINE.

The Eternal Valentine is putting on some sort of one-gUrl talent show, but JP's mind is elsewhere.

Clare is gearing up for the date and she's nervous, because THE SEX.

Clare is ready for an apology, but maybe she doesn't even want to date JP.

JP takes her a walk to some rocks and they begin their talk.

JP says that Clare just "didn't understand" what he was trying to say. UM. Yeah, right. She understood. You called her a slut and told her she wasn't good enough for your daughter, dude!

JP also says there was no way he could say no because she would've been sad. NOT OKAY.

Clare needs more answers, she wants to know boundaries. JP doesn't hold hands, kiss or spend the night in front of Camilla. Clare doesn't understand because she didn't do anything ACTUALLY IN FRONT of Camilla.

They kiss.
I'm lost.

Clare, clearly needs more than just boundaries. They have a boundary talk and then make out. Those rocks have to be uncomfortable.

JP says he "knows" Clare and I think he means in the biblical sense. Actually, I know that is what he means!!!!!!!!

So, to further the talk and not confuse any boundary lines, JP takes Clare to dinner in a (presumably his?) hotel suite. I HATE THESE BLURRRRRED LINES. 

Clare is trying to explain to JP that when conflict comes around she usually "bolts." Juan Pablo is LOST.

"Bold? Bol-t? Bolt?" -- JP

Clare thinks JP handled all of this like a man and right now, I think she's trying to just nail this guy down. I don't think she means that. LIKE, REALLY?

Suddenly, she decides to tell JP that she really like casual, comfy dinners and not formal dinners. So, then, because BOUNDARIES, JP asks Clare to slip into something more comfortable.

I HATE THESE BLURRED LINES.
E'ERYBODY GET UP!

JP goes on and on about how hot Clare is and how he just can't handle it and then he gives her the rose. Then, he puts on a song!

CLARE LOVES THIS SONG.
The song is, "No Better Lovers," by Josh Krajcik.

I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, heyYou wanna hug meHey, hey, heyWhat rhymes with hug me?Hey, hey, hey


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More baby lambs for fleece!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP feels fantastic and he thinks he's on the right track. He doesn't want to make mistakes. He's not here to hurt anybody, but like. IDK, boi. IDK.

Oh! Chris Harrison! Look who still has a job.

"I know I have to think a lot." -- JP

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

JP meets up with the ladies and everyone is quiet. There's a lot of leather. And some sexy music.

These gUrls are not here to mess around. The games are over.

He pulls Nikki aside and she feels anxious. No one who feels anxious would wear that dress.

"I like you a lot." -- Nikki
"How come?" -- JP
"I just do." -- Nikki
Depth.

"How much is a lot?" -- Nikki
"More than a little." -- JP
Juan Pablo's grasp of the English language is just outstanding.

Kissing.

Juan Pablo is floored that Nikki JUST STRAIGHT UP SAID, "I LIKE YOU A LOT." HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK, SHE JUST SAID IT. THIS IS NEW TERRITORY.

Renee is worried because she is the only single mom left and JP picked up on that and asks her if she is worried. She tells him that she is, in fact, worried. JP ain't worried. He's hypnotized by her. KISSING.

Kat and Chelsie, the Science Educator, are worried and they can tell this week is different.

Chelsie should probably take that coat off if she wants to give off the, "I want to be here vibe."

The Science Educator is also explaining English to JP by way of the word, frazzled.
After that, she goes on and on and on about some guy that didn't want something and now she wants a guy who is excited. She sees potential and wants to stick around, but not enough to take that coat off.

She talked so much. JP could barely keep up, you could tell because his eyes couldn't even follow her.

Kat gets her time with JP and she reveals to him that she's been "journaling."
OY.

She lets him know that she's never been "aggressive" or "forward" with guys and it's not the rejection side of it, it's the disappointment. I think, it's the same thing here, gUrl. Because, like being rejected usually leads to disappointment, so in this case: same thing. I promise you, Juan Pablo is more confused than he's ever been because he too, thinks rejection and disappointment are equal.

Then, she reveals that she has daddy issues.

Something about risk versus reward.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy Poo shows his pretty little face to the ladies for the first time, like EVER. He explains to the ladies that tonight is going to be TOUGH. So tough that, no rose means ON A PLANE TO THE UNITED STATES IMMEDIATELY.

"Pleased about having such a good group of woman in front of me." -- JP
Not really a sentence. 

Everyone is wearing black save Nikki.

LADIES, JUAN PABLO, THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT, WHEN YOU'RE READY.
It's between the Science Educator and Kat.

CHELSIE, THE SCIENCE EDUCATOR, GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat will be whisked away to a plane and the United States IMMEDIATELY. The ladies seem bummed, JP takes her hand and leads her to the limo of sadness and rejection/disappointment.

That limo is pulling away very slowly, right as she is saying, "I just couldn't get up to speed with the rest of the ladies." THE EDITING ON THIS SHOW CONTINUES TO BLOW ME AWAY.

"The problem is that my whole life I've been told how great I am and what a catch I am." -- Kat
Very interesting that she thinks that is the problem.
To be very honest, more than one person has told me that before and I'm still single. I don't think people encouraging me is the problem. It's a different problem. 

Sharleen feels sad because she can see other gUrls here being better off for JP.

"What can I say about next destination? It's a place, warm." -- JP
: (

They are headed to Miami!!!!!!!!!!

Hopes for Miami: Will Smith, maybe a Kardashian, something with old people at a retirement home.













1 comment:

Morgan said...

How dare you diss Applebees?!?!

Also..."People who want to pull back don't wear sequins." - a truer statement has never been made about sequins.