Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Bachelor :: Juan Pablo : Epi 5.

At this time last week we were promised an exciting trip to Vietnam! You know who else went on an "exciting" trip to Vietnam? Probably your dad and a bunch of his buddies. In 30 years, will my kids be offered exciting trips to Iraq?

We meet up with JP and he's in a boat. There are 11 gUrls left and he wants to make the right decisions AT ALL TIMES. He probably should've started by not accepting an invitation to be the Bachelor.

"Korea had it's beauty, but this is like nature." -- Clare
Oh. There's a difference. 

Renee gets the one-on-one date and we will find out if JP and Renee are the right FIT. They are probably doing some terrible workout video or something. : (

Renee reminds us that single parents don't kiss.


"It's going to be a great day for her." -- JP, about Renee

The two hop on a pedi cab and head to a dress shop. The "fit" comment on the date card referred to a dress fitting and NOT a Vietnamese workout video. This is good news and bad. I was looking forward to seeing that.

JP thinks he's taking care of Renee by getting her fitted for this dress. He does this by "buying" a fan for her.

They take a lot of selfies.

Then, they buy the kiddies some gifts. A cheap dress and a cheap hat.

They get on a boat and drink a baby beer. Like, where do you get that small amount of beer?

"Custom made fit dress." -- JP
Yeah, that is exactly how you say it. 

Renee appears in the custom made fit dress and JP says she is cute and gives her a little spin. They head to dinner and Renee seems to be SHOCKED at the fact that there is a table there set for JUST TWO PEOPLE.

JP asks for info on Renee's baby daddy. She says the relationship is great. Everyone on this show operates above the national average, I guess. No one has a crap relationship with their ex? I'm proud of these people. Everyone had a baby with their BFF and now they just raise that child in a harmonious co-parenting dreamworld!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renee asks JP if people ever thought of him and his child as a "package"? Then, JP gives her a pep talk about finding a man that wants a kid. He also looks into her eyes and see himself. I really hope he likes her for many, many other reasons besides the fact that she is a mother.

"I like it, I like it a lot." -- JP
I think he meant to say YOU here, but he said IT and I don't know what he likes. 

Renee gets the rose.

This is where a Vietnamese country singer should serenade them at a private concert.
INSTEAD, they encounter some small children selling fire and cardboard. Perfect combination.

JP says he wants to kiss her, but he doesn't want her son to see this.

Listen, JP, I get it and I respect your descision. BUT, RESPECTFULLY-- WHY IS SHE GOING TO LET HER SON WATCH THIS???????? WHY? THAT WOULD JUST BE WEIRD. JUST WEIRD. So, calm down and kiss the chick, so she doesn't feel like some Walmart greeter that you just wave at to be nice already!!!!!!!!!!



We got a lot (and I mean, A LOT) of ladies wearing some Urban Outfitter jorts. They be short.

Chelsie, is a science educator, so she was the first to figure out that "go with the flow" meant doing something on the water. Prayerfully, I would also hope she figured that out by looking at a map and noticing how much of Vietnam is located RIGHT NEXT TO WATER.

JP has set everyone up with "circle bamboo boat" which is a very traditional boat in Vietnam. These boats are so traditional that they've been called "circle bamboo boats" for over a billion years.

He told everyone to pick a partner and Clare, being the smartest, didn't have a buddy to get with, so she gets JP as a partner. JP is terrible at driving the CIRCLE BAMBOO BOAT, so he floats it into a tree so he can kiss her. Good thing Clare doesn't have a kid. If she did, he could NOT kiss her.

At this point, everyone be mad. They feel like JP is on a one-on-one date RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. If I were them, I would just be happy to be out of those death traps and back on land. Like, count your blessings.

Chelsie said she had a really good date with Alli and she's being passive aggressive, for those of you who aren't picking up on that.

JP just "happens" upon a random house and this family "volunteers" to "cook" dinner for them. This is not a TV show, so this all very spontaneous.

Everyone puts on a hat. Because, the hats are very traditional.

Alli has a convo in the garden with JP and she feels better.

Everyone heads in for dinner and Clare is shocked that they are going to have a "real meal."

These people should be drinking more water. They are losing a lot of water by sweating, so please hydrate.

The gUrls are mad at Clare.

"I'm not going to change how I am or who I am because of what other people think or want or feel. I'm just going to be CLARE." -- Clare
This was Clare's way of saying, I AM GOING TO DO ME. 
Play on, playa!
(JP, playa meaning, player NOT beach in Spanish.)

We are still on the group date, but everyone has changed into something a little more fancy!!!!!!!

The ladies are finally able to drink some booze. And they need it. JP pulls Clare aside before he can even toast the rest of the ladies.

I really want to give a SHOUT OUT to these ladies trying to have straight hair in Vietnam. Keep shooting for the moon! Even if you miss, you'll just have really frizzy hair on national television.

Clare asks what JP is looking for in a woman. She asks this on date 89. JP tells her not to worry, she has it.

DogLover is concerned that Clare has let JP head to second base already. Which, this could be true, because she is not a mother.

JP takes Clare to his suite and they get in his pool and make out. I mean, props to JP for finding a lady and going after it, but like, he's still on this show thing and he needs to pretend that he hasn't already picked out his gUrl.

In a real moment of class, they both say, "NO KISSING" as they straddle each other in the kiddie pool of his hotel suite.

JP gets his clothes back on and takes Sharleen to the beach. I don't know how that dress stays on her body.

JP tells Sharleen that he wanted to see her.

"I need to believe that he sees me as a Panda in a room full of Brown bears." -- Sharleen
This is newest, freshest analogy I have ever heard. 
I have NO idea what it means. 

JP kisses Sharleen because she doesn't even know if she wants kids.

Sharleen has questions she wants answers to, but JP keeps kissing her, so she forgot all of the questions.

Andi gets some time with JP and she tells him that she has doubts. He takes her to the beach and doesn't do it very gracefully, so they probably got some sand in some crevices. You have to be cautious when sitting on the beach. They kiss. A lot.

JP says the day was amazing and that conversations with everyone were amazing. THEN, HE HANDED THE ROSE TO CLARE BECAUSE SHE IS GETTING OUT OF HER COMFORT ZONE AND INTO HIS DAMN KIDDIE POOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The ladies are chillin' and talking about the day. Clare tells the other gUrls that she feels "overwhelmed" because she's just like THERE, you know? So, she pulls a classic Bachelor move and tells everyone she is headed to bed. BUT, SHE TELLS US SHE HAS SOMETHING TO CHECK OFF HER BUCKET LIST: A SWIM IN A WARM OCEAN.

From my calculations they are by the South China Sea.

She heads up to JP's suite and asks him to take a swim with her.

She describes the waves as, "hot warm bath water." It's actually kind of gross to think about.

JP says the waves her wild and so were they. He is soooooooo good with words.

Clare is letting go of all of her fears. But, I bet she'll still be a baby about trying food on the street. Because.

Clare described her feelings like A BABY GIRAFFE BEING BORN.
I am still processing this, because.



She puts her suitcase by the door and heads out in her shorts from the Baby Gap.

JP starts his date with Nikki by thinking about Clare and the warm bath water waves.

Nikki is excited to be out of the house. JP tells her to behave or she will go home. This is probably supposed to be cute, BUT IT'S TRUE.

JP and Nikki are exploring marble something. IDK. I missed it.

Nikki feels like she's on a date with her boyfriend.

JP takes her to the edge of a ravine/cave. The cave is called HELL. He wants to repel into this cave with Nikki. (REPELLING SHOUT OUT TO MAH gUrl, CRISTEN GARRETT.)

I've been repelling twice in my life. I had professionals guiding me. It was horrifying. I can't imagine doing this on television. I mean, I did it in front of a bunch of 14-year-old gUrls and it was the worst day of my life. I don't think you can make gUrls do this crap just because you're on a television show. Like, what if she did years ago and go stuck like James Franco in "127 Hours" and she had to cut off her own arm. Do they even think about that?

OH. THERE IT IS. Nikki has now compared repelling to falling in love.

They make it to the bottom and make out.

"Repelling 200 feet into THIS HELL CAVE, I don't think I would have done that for SOMEONE I WASN'T FALLING FOR." -- Nikki
You see what she did there? Nailed it. 

"Even though we're in Hell, being with Juan Pablo feels like Heaven." -- Nikki
Guys, she's killing it. 

So, someone how they got out of this cave. Which, I wanted to see because I bet it sucked.

"We had a hell of a good time." -- JP, about the cave
These people. I mean. 

Nikki is braving the Vietnam humidity and she got hair STRAIGHT. It's frizzy and she pulls it back immediately.

They are now in a different cave.

JP tells Nikki he is NOT a morning person.

"Don't talk to me in the morning!!!!" -- Nikki
"I could be a kick ass gUrlfriend." -- Nikki

JP asks Nikki about nursing and he tries 14 times to say, "pediatric."

Nikki talks about kids and nursing and hope and stuff, but I can't take her seriously after her whole not being a morning person drama.

Nikki has never dated anyone with a kid. She WAS hesitant and skeptical, but she decided not to write JP off just because he has a child. She's thought "long and hard" about what being a step-mom would be like. I would assume she watched Julia Roberts in "Stepmom" and felt like she could do that.

Nikki gets the rose.



JP is sad because he has to send home three people home tonight.

This has changed the whole tone for the evening, because everyone forgot this is a COMPETITION.

To break the tension JP asks for a toast. Clare, not being able to read the room, decides to be the one to offer up a toast.

Andi gets some time with JP and she's worried their relationship is only physical.
She's nervous, he's not.

He asks for a kiss in Spanish. She falls for it.

Renee finally gets her kiss.

The music in the background of this show feels like a Disney movie.

Renee can't handle it.
And now, she's all, "it was worth the wait."


JP is starting to feel like he's making bad decisions and that he shouldn't have gone to the ocean with Clare. Because, KIDS.

He pulls Clare aside and tells her that the whole situation was "a little weird." He says it wasn't right, but "what happened, happened." He keeps saying he's trying to be AS FAIR AS POSSIBLE.


JP doesn't want his daughter to see what happened. Again, that gUrl is like, FIVE. She should not be watching this show.

Clare is crying because she just heard, "YOU ARE NOT A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUNG CHILDREN."

Clare feels stupid and embarrassed, but JP is, "telling her it's OKAY."

There are a lot of mixed signals being thrown. He's all, "this was bad and you seduced me, BUT I REALLY LIKED IT."

She said there were NO mixed feelings when they were in that water. BAMSKI.

Clare is still crying. I'm over it.

"I'M JUST HAVING A MOMENT!" -- Clare, when JP asked her what was wrong
WOMEN, amiright?

JP's really mad a mess here. He tells her to "just delete it."
She says he should've said no, but he didn't. And now. KIDS COULD SEE THIS. KIDS, Y'ALL. LIKE, CHILDREN.



Andi gets the final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you didn't receive a rose, take a moment AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!!

Juan Pablo is crying. Like, tears.

Curly-haired gUrl didn't get a rose, but I don't know her name.
Oh, Danielle.

Alli put her life on hold and was hoping for the best. She's crying. But, she wants this to work out for JP. That's the way you exit a show, gUrl!

DogLover didn't even get an exit interview and I think I speak for the entire world when I say, THIS IS VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTING. VERY.

JP still has a daughter and he wants her to have good examples to look up to.

No comments:

Share This