Chrissy Poo rolls in and is wearing TWO SHIRTS!!!! But, it's one shirt! TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!
He explains the rules. Something about getting a rose and sticking around. If you don't get a rose, you go home. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION.
Cassandra gets the one-on-one.
The Bachelor family is enjoying a picnic and JP is force-feeding his daughter chicken (?) and yelling threatening things about taking cars away. Or something.
The family leaves and CassiegUrl shows up. They jump into a dune buggy and do things like throw their hands in the air and stuff. OMG. That dune buggy is one of those things that can go in the water. I'm so thrilled for these two getting to do this.
FYI: Cassandra has not been on a first date since she was 18. Cassandra has not been on a date in 3 years. She's really into reminding everyone of this fact.
Back at Hell on Earth, Renee and blonde gUrl are sharing the details of their lives and blonde gUrl is just sitting around in wedges talking about how her recently deceased mother put her in a castle with a prince.
The water-car floats over to a yacht. Naturally. Everyone (JP and CassieG) jump off the boat.
JP "invites" her back to his crib and he's making his "secret" pasta. They dance and she's wearing Forever21 jeans.
Oh. SHE HAS NOT BEEN ON A DATE IN 3 YEARS AND THE LAST TIME A GUY COOKED FOR HER WAS NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Back at HoE, there's a group date card going around. DogLover, wearing a cutoff dog t-shirt, is MAD.
CassieG hasn't had a first date since she was 18 years old. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION, gUrl. I totally comprehend.
JP feeds CassieG chocolate and looks at pics of her kid, Trey. He says things like, "He's cute!" and "His mom is cute, too." Too easy, JP. Too easy.
I'm trying so hard to pay attention, but. BORED.
She gets the rose, because MOM.
The last time she felt this way about a guy was 3 years ago.
"Oh, Cassandra. She's beautiful, she dances, she's funny. And I like that." -- JP, on why he likes CassieG
Don't get too emotionally involved here, son.
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three epis in and we're just getting a soccer date. The date is with the LA Galaxy. Listen, I played soccer for like, my entire life. Soccer is cool and all, whatever. Still not a thing in America. These gUrls know who David Beckham (Posh Spice's husband) is and maybe like, Ronaldo, because he ain't ugly.
Andi mentions David Beckham right away, so. Not sure where the next 20 minutes will take us.
JP says he doesn't expect the gUrls to be the best soccer players in the world. SHOOT FOR THE MOON, EVEN IF YOU MISS YOU'LL LAND AMONG THE STARS.
JP makes them do soccer drills and WORST DATE EVER.
"Watching the gUrls play soccer I can tell who has played before...or who has never played soccer before." -- JP
It's time for a scrimmage and everyone has on black stuff under their eyes, because baseball. The sun isn't even out. I'm praying that Mia Hamm isn't watching this and realizing that everything she has done for the sport of women's soccer HAS BEEN WORTHLESS. They are also wearing basketball jerseys. The production crew really stepped up their game with this one.
The blue team scores and Nikki is about to flip her shit.
Sharleen is really getting in front of the ball, but hey. Defense.
The red team starts scoring, but it's not like it's hard. JP decides to play for the blue team. Everyone is REALLY impressed with his soccer skills. The red team wins and JP thinks everyone had a great time. Such a great time that he POPS CHAMPAGNE on the field like somebody did something hard and they all deserve to celebrate.
GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JP and the gUrls change out of their basketball gear that they wore during soccer practice and head to a different part of the stadium.
Nikki gets some one-on-one time with JP and they are both worried about HURT. Nikki is scared to talk, but JP likes her vibe. He doesn't mention her nursing career once, so I'm worried he forgot that she's a nurse.
Andi gets taken behind the counter of a snack area to enjoy a coke and a treat. JP wants to cook something, but they kiss instead.
The next one-on-one date is revealed and Elise is mad, because Chelsie might not be ready to be a step-mom, but she's going on a date with a guy on a reality TV dating show who has a kid.
JP is taking gUrls all over this stadium. Sharleen gets to head to the 18-yard-line with a blanket and a soccer ball. The blanket is the size of a towel. Meaning, it's small. I do not understand small blankets.
"You've got class." -- JP
"That's a compliment." -- Sharleen
I like the way she doesn't say thanks or repay the compliment, she just states that it was, in fact, a compliment.
IS THIS A KISS?
O M G.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
I AM SO SAD.
EVERYTHING IS SAD.
Then, Sharleen kicks the soccer ball in her classy dress.
Nikki gets the rose, so he's back on the nurse train!
Andi is mad.
Sharleen is mad.
I want them to know that I am mad, too.
Chelsie is ready, but nervous, for her first date with JP. Also, she hasn't been on a first date in a while. She thinks it'll be a fun time whatever it is.
JP arrives and apologizes to Elise for not taking her on a date.
JP plays some music for Chelsie and it's like, Spanish country pop something. She says she likes it. She's so lying.
JP is dancing and swerving all over that highway.
Back at HoE, Elise is talking trash and calling Chelsie, the 24-year-old, a baby to the 21-year-old. This makes a lot of sense.
Back on the date JP finds a Venezuelan restaurant to try with Chelsie. If this is an adventure, I go on adventures every 12 hours or so by also eating bread, beef and cheese, sometimes fried and sometimes all at the same time.
Oh. Here's the adventure. Bungee jumping!
This is NOT about trusting JP, this is about trusting that cord to hold you. TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING.
I think the bungee worker guy has on one of those fake hats with the spiky hair and frosted tips. This is all I can concentrate on while he's giving his safety speech. You know he thought about how this could be his big break and he wanted to look so damn fly, so he bought one of those hats at a hotel gift shop.
I think they are wearing the same bike helmet I had when I was 10.
JP is trying to talk her into jumping. Meanwhile, LA traffic is being diverted to God knows where.
Finally, after 6 or 7 hours she decides not to jump. I mean, I can't blame her. This is an activity you like, clear with someone before signing them up for it.
Oh, she just figured out that she is JP's number one priority (LOLOLOLOLOL) and is going to jump.
If I made a list of all the things I'd like to do on a date, this one would be listed around 876, right before going to a strip club to meet someone's mom.
JP is so proud, but I hope he didn't have much else planned, because that took one whole entire year of their lives to finish. It has to be the next Tuesday by now.
Then, they had to walk away still wearing the harnesses. I guess that's their souvenir from the jump? An awkward harness.
Of course, Chelsie cannot let this moment pass by without mentioning that this activity is a metaphor for relationships and now that she has bungeed off a bridge with JP, she can probably have kids with him.
JP takes her to City Hall and she says, "this is out of a movie scene!" But, she's wrong. However, it is the exterior shot for the fake city hall on Parks and Rec.
She goes on to describes all the things she sees: flowers and fountains.
JP describes it much differently by saying, "it's on fire."
IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK
After recapping the jump, Chelsie asks JP what his fears are. He sweetly says he is scared his daughter won't look up to him. I get what he's saying, BUT THE IRONY OF HIM SAYING THIS WHILE HE IS ON THIS SHOW AND HE BROUGHT HER WITH HIM TO DO IT. I mean. I can't. Maybe she'll grow up to be very self-aware and chill and thinks it's totally hilarious that ole pops went on this dating show and then talked about being a role model for his daughter, as HE IS DATING UPWARDS OF 25 WOMEN AT ONCE.
Chelsie says her biggest fear is, "not being happy."
Alert: that's not a thing.
"You're a teacher. I like that." -- JP
This is one of those things that like, you have to like.
You must like: teachers, rainbows, puppies and newborns.
You must hate: cancer, war, hunger.
[ANOTHER SHOT OF ELISE TALKING ABOUT CHELSIE'S AGE.]
Chelsie happens to notice the rose on the table and decides she would hate to go home after that struggle to "jump" off the bridge.
PRAISE REPORT: she gets the rose!
She goes on to call this day the best day of HER ENTIRE LIFE. I can only assume she's never been to a Beyonce concert.
CONERT TIME! It's Billy Currington. And he's not not famous. But, I don't think either one them are really into this music because they were like, grinding. Not two-steppin' and not slow dancing. I think they just didn't know or something.
Kissing. Not great dancing. Staring at the stage.
Back at Hell on Earth, JP arrives for a HUGE SURPRISE. (Remember: he loves surprises!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
He went to the grocery store and he's going to cook breakfast for all dem ladiez.
The DogLover comes downstairs with her dog, while wearing a dog shirt. She just ignores him, instead of like, taking the time to get some extra time with him.
Renee is smart and she sticks around for a few minutes to hang.
WHO IS DANIELLE??????
Elise is ready to take advantage of JP's presence.
WHO IS KAT????????
Is there a way we can outlaw sweat shorts on men? They are just like, uncalled for.
JP announces that the cocktail party is canceled and will now be a POOL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have more than one one-piece cutout swimsuit.
STILL POOL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat wants everyone to know that the reason she is there is: JUAN PABLO. She makes this statement boldly by climbing onto his shoulders, uninvited. The DogLover makes an even bolder statement by calling her a whore for doing this. ~~**DrAMa**~~
Renee is asking other gUrls if they are jealous and why isn't anyone wearing sunglasses? Gah.
Some of the gUrls go inside, in their wet swimsuits, to sit on a micro suede couch.
Sharleen is thinking about going home.
"Everyone's definition of 'fun' is different." -- Sharleen
She gets some time with JP and starts talking about the cameras and her soul and her SOUL JUST WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE. LIKE, LEAVE HER SOUL ALONE, OKAY? Sounds like a personal problem, gUrl.
She starts crying. I'm actually very confused. I'd really like to see this G in regular life.
Everyone is trying to spy on Sharleen and JP and after deciding that no one is looking, she decides to kiss him. Then, she calls him a tease. Must have different definitions on that word, too?
Unfortunately, Sharleen was wrong and EVERYONE saw them "holding and kissing." Someone asks for clarification on what type of kissing and someone else whisper-yells, "French!" I am now having a lot of flashbacks to 8th grade. In that sense, this show really helps me connect with my youth. In the worst ways.
Clare is having a hard time and Renee is consoling her and just keeps saying, "it's weird, it's weird."
Sharleen is still crying and is now wearing the largest sweater sold in the lower-48 states.
Clare is still crying in the bathroom. I long for the days when gUrls retreat to like, the laundry room or something to have a meltdown. At least be productive while you're flipping out. Fold some clothes, bleach something! Keep yourself busy, you'll feel better.
Clare gets some time with JP and apologizes for flipping out. Whatever. Red flag, boi!
Chrissy Poo arrives to let everyone know IT. IS. TIME.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris has changed into every hue of purple available and lets the gUrls know that THIS IS WORKING, as said by Juan Pablo.
JP calls this week "amazing," which takes me back to Sharleen's earlier comment about different definitions of the word "fun." We obviously have different definitions for this word, too. He says it again.
Amazing is like, a superlative, you know? It's not a word you use to describe a magazine article or
a cough drop or a piece of furniture from Sam's Club or a bathroom at a gas station. It's reserved for special things. Unique things.
Kelly/DogLover accepts the rose and has her dog on a leash.
LADIES, JUAN PABLO, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHEN YOU'RE READY.
DANIELLE (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
I like that she came in straight from the pool party and didn't get fancy.
"It's not fair." -- Christy
What's not? This?
Lucy, the free spirit, walks out carrying her Louboutin heels. Most free-spirited people own these shoes.
And with that, IT'S ALL COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR.