There's a dog in the pool.
That gUrl, Clare, is getting ready for her one-on-one.
"I'm not a person who goes online dating." -- Clare
Oh okay, that's not like a place you actually go. But. Whatever.
JP arrives and Clare has on a leather jacket with fake fur.
Juan Pablo loves surprises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He loves them so much he puts a blindfold on Clare and puts her in "his" car. It's more kidnap-py than date-y.
"When I first saw Clare I remember her being happy..." -- JP, describing the first time he saw Clare like it was YEARS AGO and NOT 18 HOURS AGO
They finally arrive to the date and it has snowed in LA. JP has "created" a winter wonderland in the middle of LA and people are fah-reaking out.
Now, it's time to ice skate. ABC is 100 percent promoting the 2014 Winter Olympics and those bad bitches are on NBC, so like. Do they even know?
How does JP know how to ice skate? What is this music? I feel like I'm in a Shania Twain music video.
What would a one-on-one be without a hot tub? Clare calls it a "spa," so I don't know if she's ever been anywhere before.
Clare is telling JP about her dad and basically, she tells him that her dad was perfect and that no man will ever live up to him. JP, being a non-English speaker has NO IDEA what she's talking about, so he comes back around and asks her just what in the world she's talking about. Clare has to say slowly, "MY DAD PASSED AWAY." JP juist sighs very loudly upon hearing this news, so loudly that the water moves.
"If you have a father that treats you like a princess, why wouldn't you want a man that treats you like a princess? We have high standards." -- JP, summing up Clare's life-story
Clare gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music starts playing and Clare has never heard music before based on the her reaction to hearing it. They jump out of the SPA and do some dancing. It's a pretty slow song, but JP is doing a lot of ass-patting.
There's a dog walking around the house.
It's time for Kat's one-on-one date with JP. She's real excited. The last date I went on I wore the exact same thing she is wearing and now I feel sad on the inside. My shorts fit a bit different though.
How does JP know his way around? I bet he has a Tom-Tom.
JP drives to a private airport and pulls right up to a jet. You know this G is like, "I feel just like Kim Kardashian," and then JP practiced saying "Kardashian" for at least 9 minutes.
JP tells us again that HE LOVES SURPRISES.
So, it goes like this: Camilla first, then surprises.
He should have a shirt that says, "Surprises are life. The rest is just details."
JP comes back with his "surprise" and it's a tracksuit jacket with a heart. He also has a very brightly colored outfit. It's a lot of a spandex, so it's BASICALLY THE WORST SURPRISE EVER.
The plane lands in Salt Lake City, Utah. They jump off the plane and start running. There are thousands of other people with glow sticks and neon. They are going on an "electric RUN." Again, this surprise sucks.
If anyone reading this ever wants to surprise me, on any level, it sure as hell better not involve spandex OR running. And definitely NOT both.
In summation, they are at a rave that is also a 5K IN SALT LAKE CITY.
I made a list of all the places in the world I would travel to, just to attend a rave. Salt Lake City came in 953rd on the list, right behind any church and the restrooms at LAX.
This actually looks like a 5K I could run in, because I'm pretty sure they were just skipping.
They have to go on the stage for something and JP gives Kat the rose and then they started dancing.
All in all, JP took Kat on a surprise date back to 8th grade.
Not much talking, lot of sweaty dancing surrounded by lots of other people.
It's time for the group date!!!!!!!!!!
"The date card said, 'say Cheese.' I would assume it's a photo shoot, but maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both." -- Kelly
Okay, Kelly! I see you!
It's obviously a photo shoot, because. The Bachelor.
This isn't a regular photo, it's a photo shoot for a good cause.
The good cause is DOGS.
We meet the founder of MODELS AND MUTTS.
"Each month, we do a sexy photo shoot with a dog." -- Models and Mutts Founder
What dog doesn't love a sexy photo shoot?
Everyone is so excited about DOGS.
The gUrls are getting paired up with their dogs and getting their outfits. One gUrl has to wear a fire hydrant and the "dog lover" has to dress like a dog. It's like she was re-making "Avatar" but a dog version.
Elise finds out she doesn't have clothes to wear. She only has to wear a "smile."
Andi is also assigned "smile."
DADS EVERYWHERE ARE SO HAPPY.
Andi is on another level of "uncomfortableness," so she does what any smart lawyer would do, she complains to the other gUrl about it.
The art director tells her, "it's not about what you're wearing, it's about a good cause."
Elise, the first grade teacher, goes to Lucy, the "free spirit" and asks her to go naked for a good cause. TOO EASY.
I'm not opposed to supporting the good cause of DOGS, but I don't know why you need to go naked for them. I've had dogs my whole life, so I'm a long-time supporter of the good cause of DOGS, and I've never had to go naked to be supportive.
Remember all of the past photo shoots Bachelor/ettes have been on? They were all much sexier, because none of them involved dogs pooping, but these gUrls are all, "this was so steamy." And I'm all, WHAT. DOGS.
Andi is really upset about having to be naked and then JP tells her that he will also be naked for the good cause of DOGS and that it's all going to be okay, because it's for the good cause of DOGS.
DO IT FOR THE DOGS.
It's time for the naked photos and I've never been less compelled to adopt an animal.
JP's face looks like he's posing at some Sears photo shoot, not naked with two gUrls.
AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY ONA ROOFTOP WITH BOOZE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cassandra, the former NBA dancer, pulls JP aside first because she needs to tell him that she has a son. JP is so excited about Trey, the son. JP loves surprises, so that could be the main reason for his excitement.
I think she could've said, "I have a large collection of porcelain dolls" and he would've reacted the same way. I guess this isn't a bad thing, he could've been weird and mean about it.
JP takes that other mama bear, Renee, even higher up on the roof and she tells him that she's writing in a journal every night to her son.
"Dear son, mama met a man and she wants to get it with him! Hopefully you can meet him soon. Miss you."
She asks JP for a kiss and he just tells her that she looked "elegant."
Can't wait to hear about this in her journal to her son.
"Dear son, tonight mama tried to kiss that man that I was telling you about, but... : ("
It's that time of the evening when baby gUrls be getting mad about one-on-one time and gUrls be getting drunk. Victoria gets told to "tone it down" and well. She doesn't. She completely tones it the entirely opposite direction of down.
"This is how I am sober. I'm just fun sober." -- Victoria
This was me at all frat parties in 2002, but I really was sober.
"I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch." -- Victoria
At least she's honest.
What we're about to see here is our first real, official train wreck of the season.
JP carries Nikki to some cushions set up on some rocks. Why he had to carry her, I'll never know.
JP really likes that Nikki is a nurse.
Nikki doesn't miss her dog or family, she misses taking care of sick kids.
Victoria is drunk and she called JP her "boyfriend" and she's twerking in the kiddie pool alone. She hops out of the pool and goes RUNNING. Which, is what, the number two pool rule of all-time? DON'T RUN BY THE POOL, gUrl!!!!!!!
Vicky spies on Nikki and JP and then changes her mind.
gUrl is MAD.
No one else is in a bathing suit.
This is another bad sign.
Renee, the older, wiser, MUCH KINDER THAN ME, gUrl heads to the bathroom to help a sister out. Victoria is sitting on the floor of a public restroom, in her bikini, crying on national television.
I don't know her life, but I can only imagine that this is a low-point.
Victoria is telling everyone that she's going home, she's going home and one of the producers just said, "okay, but you can't go home without shoes." Then he says something about a plane and a taxi, but I liked the shoe part the most.
She heads back to the bathroom and Lucy decides to tell JP about the "situation."
JP heads into the bathroom and this dude needs to RUN. He is a father, he does not have time for this. At all.
He tells Vicky that he will wait for her outside and well. He's going to have to go through this about a billion more times with his own daughter in the coming years. All teenage gUrl breakdowns happen in the bathroom.
He still has a rose to give away.
Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, how damn perfect.
And if just one dog gets adopted because she dressed up like a dog, this was all worth it.
JP leaves without talking to Vicky and he asks the other ladies to "make sure she gets home safe tonight." I will tell you, none of those gUrls would make sure she has shoes on like that producer. Right? Gs be cunning!!!!
ROSE CEREMONY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody be talking about Vicky. Also, everybody be sitting around in bikinis on couches.
Vicky got to spend the night in a hotel and JP heads there to talk to her.
Vicky apologizes and JP looks tired. Like, real tired.
"Are you mad at me?" -- JP, to Vicky
THAT IS NOT THE WAY THIS WORKS.
I think JP might understand how this process works, because he just tried to tell baby gUrl that, "this is how this goes..."
Vicky is "mortified," but mainly she just seems to be mortified over crying in front of JP, not being a drunken mess in front of him? IDK. gUrls be cray.
"Maybe I did drink too much." -- Vicky
JP doesn't really accept her apology, he's all, "I'm 32 with a daughter, you gotta ROLL OUT."
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JP shows up and tells the other ladies about Vicky, then he pulls Amy aside and she uses this time to practice her reporting skills. Not the time, nor the place, G. My gosh.
I don't know if these gUrls understand that JP is NOT a native English speaker, so when they get time with him, they need to like, slow down and speak in small sentences.
Sharleen pulls JP aside and I think she's a little more into him today. But, ~~**dRaMa**~~
She dresses all sexy, but acts all dramatic librarian.
Cassandra is carrying around pictures of her son and crying. She goes to talk to the other mom and cries some more. They go upstairs and JP follows. He walks in and says, "the two moms."
Cassandra just doesn't know. When JP is around, it's great. When the gUrls are around, she just doesn't know. THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED. JP doesn't want to keep anyone away from their kids. I respect that. He gives her a pretty good talk and they both agree that they don't know what they don't know and then GIGGLES.
Cassandra gUrl is gonna stay, so JP better hand her a rose in a few or like, what a jackass.
"What I like about Cassandra is that she understands what a mom is..." -- JP
Who doesn't have that basic understanding down? I think that's one of the first things all humans and even animals learn?
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!
JP plays his roses right and gives Cassandra the first rose. Can you imagine? OY.
Then, he goes straight to the nurse, his obvious favorite right now, because NURSE.
When Sharleen accepts her rose she just says, "Sure." Like, she's not even trying to act like she's into this. That gUrl has ice in her veins.
LADIES, JP, FINAL ROSE TIME!!!!!!
Chris Harrison, easiest job in the world.
CHRISTY? KRISTI? GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The news reporter is going home, but I bet her station's ratings get a little bit of a bump after this. Obviously, she's probably at an ABC affiliate.
Chantel hasn't dated in so long and she doesn't know when she'll find love.
GET IN LINE, gUrl!!!!!!!
JP is excited about the week ahead.
He's the only one.