Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : finale.

"And tonight...WHAT WILL DESIREE DO?"

"OR...WILL HER DREAM OF FINDING LOVE BE CRUSHED FOREVER?"

This is how we were lured in to the show tonight. I mean. CRUSHED FOREVER.

The show starts with Chris and a live studio audience. I've long wondered how these women end up in that studio audience. Like, what decisions were made in their lives prior to this to get them to this point?

-----

Now, we're back in Antigua and baby gUrl got dat beach wave rollin' through dat mane of her's!

Des is just recapping last week for us and personally, I can't deal anymore.

I want Des to live and I want Des to love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris rolls up and the therapy session begins.

He asks, "how are you doing today?"
Des mumbles, "I'm okay."

"No you're not." -- Chrissy Poo
Nailed it. 

I've never seen anyone less "okay" in my entire life.

Almost immediately Chris brings up the other two guyz and baby gUrl don't even care. She almost musters up when smiles talking about them, but that snot rag isn't too far away.

Des doesn't want the boyz to feel the way she feels, so she wants to soldier on.

I'm fast-forwarding now.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lot of tears over here.

DAT RUG.
I don't care two anythings about rugs, but DAT RUG IS BANGIN.

This might be the best Des has looked all season, got dat casual beach flow going.

Des explains the sitch to the bros and for a brief second you think, okay, baby G put it on lock. She's okay. Then, she starts bawling and literally begs the dudes to tell her if they don't want that damn rose.

At this point, baby boyz are just standing there. They have to be a little confused and concerned. Right? I mean, all she said was Brooks left and she's sitting there crying like every single one of her grandparents and half a dozen puppies died in her arms.

Music comes on, it's sad and then a lil' uplifting.

Chris and Drew accept the roses.
Long hugs.

"I could tell she was emotional." -- Chris
Like, what gave it away, Chris?
THE BAWLING OR THE BAWLING?

----

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE!!!!!!!

But, seriously. Some of these ladies probably had to take off work for this, right?
They made the decision to travel to LA for this.

Old dude in the audience looks like a weird version of Harrison Ford and Robert Redford. Got dat linen top on lock. Someone told him he was going a filming of "CSI: Miami" or something. How else would you get an old man there?

At this point, everyone thinks Brooks is coming back. Lots of "Wooooooooooo!" in the audience.

I mean. I know I write a blog about this show (SHOUT OUT), but I just can't imagine being in this audience and analyzing these "relationships." How do you get there? But, how did I even get here? I mean, this is my life now.

-----

Des wakes up in Antigua and she's writing in a journal. WHY ISN'T SHE SKETCHING? She's completely lost touch with herself at this point. Brooks stole her life away from her. Her muse is gone.

Des wants to give these relationships a chance, so she pulls on half of shirt and gets back on that horse! (Literally, she got on a horse.)

Drew ain't scurred.

Des introduces JUDY, the horse, to Drew and immediately you can tell that this isn't going to end well for Drew. And maybe even for Judy.


There's just no way I can take a horse named JUDY seriously.



HAVE WE EVER SEEN A LESS APPROPRIATE OUTFIT FOR HORSEBACK RIDING? Don't answer that.

She's a "designer," but I'm SERIOUSLY questioning her fashion sense and this is coming from a gUrl who has, in recent past, been told on multiple occasions that yes, one can own too much plaid.

They get to the beach and let the horses roam, because this a TV show and you don't have to tie them up, because someone else will do it. What a life, right? I'll just get off this horse and let it roam on the beach!

Drew toasts to "being madly in love," and basically him saying that was his way of throwing shit into a giant fan.

So, the shit hits the fan and Des be cryin.

Drew is confused because like, she's not even wearing a shirt and he's like, YOU AREN'T WEARING A SHIRT, DON'T ADVERTISE WHAT ISN'T ON THE MENU.

Des, in a million years, never wanted to hurt Drew, but she just knows. She just knows.

Drew is NOT the angel for her.

Drew tells Des to NOT apologize for not being in love with him. He's sweet to her, but doesn't really have all that much to say. Long hug, tears, deep sigh.

I failed to mention that Des is most definitely wearing sweat pants on the beach.

Home gUrl wore sweatpants to the beach.

Drew starts walking and I don't know where he's going. Seems like a long walk. I don't think he knows where he's going either. I'm sure they edited out the part where he's just screaming, "Judy! Judy!"

We also have an interview/voice over from Drew going on.

"I really loved her... I really do love her...I don't get it... I never thought that it would be like this...I DON'T EXPECT A PERFECT LIFE. I want one, wouldn't know what to do with one." -- Drew
Feel like I'm watching a show on the WB right now. 
And how passive aggressive. He wouldn't even know what to do with a perfect life? I know what I'd do-- I'd walk around just throwing $1 bills in the air and eating all the gluten you could fit on a plate. I'd ride a horse to the beach and let it roam, because I can and then I'd probably travel. 

-----

Des rolls out of her hut and spends some time looking out over the Caribbean. She doesn't know if she's going to say goodbye to Chris. She's just going to play it by ear.

Des tells Chris they are going on a boat and Chris reacts to the news like he's the first person to ever go on a boat. Ever.

"What?! Yes!" -- Chris, about a boat
Chill out. People die on boats. 

Chris tells Des that he wanted to console her while she was crying the other day, but he couldn't BECAUSE THIS IS A TV SHOW AND NO ONE CAN ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

They set sail and then head to a baby shower? I mean, why are they drinking punch out of crystal mugs? You know someone below deck scooped that punch out of a giant bowl. I bet there was sherbet in it, too.




They jumped off that boat like it was the Grand Canyon, when I'm fairly certain it was maybe four feet.

Des is hopeful and she's going to trust her heart.

It's time for sexy time at the VERANDAH RESORT AND SPA. And let me tell you, that place must be a five-star resort because they got papyrus font workin on that logo.





"Sometimes life is hard to accept." -- Des
Oh.

Chris wants to make a toast and then he thanks her for "this amazing experience," and then the two of them just start jabbering about something and then say, "Cheers!" in terrible British accents. : (

I feel uncomfortable because they seem awkward. Like, not in a bad way, but just awkward. I don't even know what the hell they are talking about.

Something about: no steps back, oh hey!, they've known each other forever, flowing naturally, progression

Chris shares his feelings and shockingly, Des says, "Me, too!"
I'm worried for her. I just want her to tell me how she feels about women going back to work after they have a baby OR immigration reform. I just want her to have an opinion.

Chris asks Des if he can meet her family and of course, he can!

Then, Chris gives Des, her "own journal." OOPZ. She already has one. : (

In the back of the journal he wrote all of the poems.

"I feel like I'm the luckiest gUrl alive." -- Des
If you were the luckiest gUrl alive you wouldn't have to listen to all these damn poems. 

Also. That's the second journal she's been gifted this season.
BORED.

Des is crying about no one loving her as much as she's loved them and I'm like JUNIOR HIGH.

Now, she's telling Chris he's the greatest man she's ever known.
BROOKS WHO?!

-----

We're back in the audience and we're forced to listen to an interview from SeanBoy and CathyCat and they won't tell ChrissyPoo their wedding date. Like they actually have one and like anyone actually cares.

"But, you're doing good?" -- ChrissyPoo
No, no, no, no. 
Superman does GOOD, people are doing well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We then had to listen to those breezes from SeanBoy's season discuss Des and her feelings.
Fast-forward.
But, not before they each get a jab in on SeanBoy.
BUSTED.

-----

Des takes some more time to reflect while looking at some boats.

She straps up her wedges and goes to meet Chris and take him to her family.

CHRIS IS WEARING PAJAMA PANTS.

Chris is worried about BrotherBear.

Desiree's Dad is wearing classic dad sandals.
Props to him though, my dad would totally rock his New Balance 407s.

BrotherBear immediately "asks the tough questions," and I'm bored. He's trying to play this game and like, he's just asking questions.

Dad, in his dad sandals, asks Chris to take a hike, but they just sit down on a bench on the porch.

Chris starts talking A LOT and Dad takes off his glasses and can't say anything.

Dad just nods his head and agrees with everything Chris says and then gives his daughter's hand in marriage to Chris WITHOUT ASKING A SINGLE QUESTION.

I mean, he's sweet... but, come on Dad! He didn't ask if he has a reliable mode of transportation or if he even has a job, because if he has a job why is he wearing those pants?

BrotherBear sits down with Des and is actually being sweet, but this is still painful.

"You really cared about Brooks, but now that that ship has sailed are you disappointed?" --BrotherBear
Oh, Brother comin' in hot!

BrotherBear is super sunburned and you know he has been milkin' this free vacay on ABC's tab. He's probz done para-sailing, snorkeling, got a photo with a Stingray, ALL OF IT. He has definitely had more than one frozen drank out of a giant plastic tube, too.

I'm sure someone fed him those questions, but at least he asked!

The last time I dated a guy I called my brother to tell him and he said, "Does he like sports? Okay, that'll be fine!" So. I mean. Brothers, right?

-----

Big day, big day!

Chris (not Harrison) is ready to get this show on the road and propose.

He heads out to meet Neil Lane, who isn't above schlepping jewels on reality TV.
I remember when Neil Lane used to be the jeweler to the stars. Like, Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling.

Chris tells Neil that he's confident, excited and a little nervous.

Then, Neil says, "let's take a journey on these rings."
Like, ABC was all, "Neil, if can say 'journey' during your segment, we'll throw in an extra $10K."

Chris has no problem accepting a free ring.

Chris calls this the biggest moment of his life, so that's how we know he only played MINOR LEAGUE baseball.

Des puts on dat ball gown and cries about how no one has ever loved her this much and like... I need her to get off that train. Just like, quit telling me how sad your life has been. YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A PERFECT LIFE, DES.

"I feel #soblessed." -- Des
OY.

Des thinks she needs to tell Chris about Brooks. I agree. She's scared that telling Chris the truth ABOUT HOW SHE BROKE HER CONTRACT AND TOLD BROOKS SHE LOVED HIM BEFORE THE FINALE will change Chris's feelings for her.

And all I can say is: truth and time tells all, baby gUrl.
Truth and time tells all.

Chris is up in that limo just holding that ring like he bought it himself with his minor league baseball money.

Deep breath.

Another deep breath.

Chris has gotten exponentially better looking the last two or three epis, but his 5 o'clock shadow is looking closer to an 8 o'clock shadow and I'm distracted.

Chris (not Harrison) rolls up and hugz.

Deep breath.

Journey. Memories. Danced like crazy.

"I love the happiness that's in your eyes when I read you my poetry." -- Chris
Boo, no. Just. No real poet thinks that highly of his work, THAT'S WHY MOST POETS AREN'T FAMOUS UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD. 

He wants to make decisions for not just him anymore, but for both of them!

Time to drop to one knee! PSYCH!
Des is flipping the script.

They have both said "journey" now.

Des tells Chris that she told Drew to pack his shit up and Chris got dat smirk on his face! Babyboi KNOWS.

Des is crying and she's #sograteful.
I feel like I'm looking an Instagram caption right now.

#world #thankful #love #journey #rightinfrontofme #restofmylife #forever #doubletap

NOW. NOW, Chris can say what he wants.

"It's not just a yes or a no...Do you want to grow old together...do you want to share your experiences with me together...do you want to start a family... do you want to have kids?" -- Chris
First off, those are all yes or no questions. 
Second, he really did say, "Do you want to share your experiences with me together?"
Also, surely they discussed kids prior to this, right?

ONE KNEE.

He said her full name. So. He nailed that.

"I want to be your first and I want to be your last." -- Chris
AWKWARD. Because. 

And just like that...that back adjustment in that Oregon home doesn't seem so awkward anymore.

MONTAGE.

So fun because we get to experience THE JOURNEY again.
And we hear some of the poetry again.

I'm starting a Kickstarter fund to get his poetry published.

Des hands out that final rose and asks Chris (not Harrison) to grow old with her.

THEN.
They tell the engagement story like we didn't just see it.
I think we were supposed to laugh, but they're so normal and boring that it wasn't funny, it was just two white people telling an awkward story THAT WE JUST WATCHED.

Congrats and best wishes, y'all!

----

The long national nightmare is over.



6 comments:

Anonymous said...

#soblessed this season is over.

I appreciate all the suffering you endured to crack my stuff up every Tuesday morning.

Thank you!

Jenni (from Colorado)

Lindsey Brittain said...

This was probably my most favorite recap yet!

Anonymous said...

Kickstarter for poetry=brilliant

Lindsey W

Anonymous said...

Thanks for getting me through this terrible show...hate it but I just can't look away! My roommates and I love reading this recap.. MUCH better than the actual show!!
-gUrlZ from College Station

Anonymous said...

Your blog is the only reason I watched this show...hilarious!

Christa Petersen said...

Amazing. Your blog is the best. What do I do until the next season starts and your blog commences with the hilarity?!!

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