First up: DallASS, TexASS.
Zak is doing some SKETCHING, because we don't have enough sketching on this show, while waiting on Des. I have no idea where they are located. There's so much green and trees-- no way that's in DallASS.
Zak is scared for Des to meet his sister because she's protective, Des awkwardly giggles as Zak launches into this really weird dream he had. The dream is really weird and what Des never picks up on is that the DREAM WAS A JOKE AND HE WAS TELLING HER ABOUT A SNO CONE TRUCK.
So. Zak's family owns a sno cone truck.
"It's the coolest thing to be in the back of the sno cone truck, it brings me back to my childhood and I love it." -- Des
SAY WHO. Just how much time did you spend in the back of sno cone trucks as a child?
Places I could be that would remind me of my childhood: old sanctuary at FUMC Russellville, grandparents' backyard, soccer field, basketball court.
I kind of zoned out when the "10, or 30 or 40" kids all ran up to the truck with their arms in the air clammering for a sno cone. Like, kids are smarter than that these days. There's no way they are going to run up to sketchy truck like that and demand a sweet, icy treat. That's how "Dateline" episodes start (or in this case, "20/20").
Zak rolls up to his parents house in that truck and upon entering the family home his entire family jumps up to greet them. Everyone is screaming and giggling and hugging and SCREAMING.
Then, Zak's mom served everyone tea in a wine goblet.
Zak and Des tell the story about Zak exiting the limo shirtless.
Then, they sit down to dinner and basically, everyone just screams and laughs the entire time. Kind of cool because like, they were comfortable. I wasn't scared, it seemed like they were probably a lot of fun. No way in hell I'd want to play a board game with them though. There was just so much noise. And they all seem like easy-laughers, so everything would be funny and I wouldn't like all the laughing.
Zak's mom has a sit down with Des and then tells the camera, "are you kidding me?" She's sold. Signed, sealed, delivered.
Zak's sister steps up the game and takes Des back to her bedroom where she has a creepy mannequin in the background wearing a fur vest and a crop top.
Des tells Sister that Zak and her, "just started out as frandz." Umm. You did what? You started out as frandz on this reality dating show? LIES. LIES, YOU ARE TELLING, DES. No one starts off as "FRANDZ" on this show.
Carly, Zak's sister, has never seen Zak so happy and she's scared because she doesn't want him to get hurt.
Then, Zak sits down with his mom. He tells his mom that he had "almost given up on love" and his mom was like, "yeah, I was so worried." AND I'M LIKE, YOU'RE 31, NOT 87. But, mom's been praying, so. HUGS AND KISSES.
Next, Zak decides to start up a family band in his family living room and he somehow convinces BrotherBear and SisterCat to sing his original song he wrote for Des, to Des right there on television, or "in front of God and everybody," as my mother used to like to say.
SisterCat starts us off and she's not terrible. BrotherBear is trying really hard. This is a real moment, you guys. And the best part? YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL THEY HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE.
After the family talent show, Zak takes Des outside and GIVES HER A PROMISE RING. Because, that is totally normal and not anything that any boy at my high school ever did or anything.
Then, he told her that he loved her, "I really do."
To recap: sketching, creepy van, screaming kids, family band sing-a-long, promise ring.
Zak really nailed it, you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next up, Drew in his tight-fitting PINK shirt. His fitted shirt really accentuated his baby hips and gUrl butt.
Drew is obsessed with kissing Des and can't ever take her anywhere until he gets "one more." He does this every time, so it's getting suspicious.
Drew has more product in his hair than all the products in the world. But, seriously. Can you imagine trying to like, play with his hair?
Drew tells Des about his family and everyone she is going to meet. Then, he says, "for starters, my family has never seen me like this." AND I'M ALL, YOU MEAN, SEEN YOU WITH A gUrl, BRO?
They roll over to pick up Drew's sister and then to his mom's house to meet the whole fam.
Y'all want to talk about this parking job? Like. Not another car on the street or anything and this? Did he even get out of the intersection? And that poor curb!!!!!!!!
For some reason, Drew's family got out of all sitting on the same side of the table for this filming.
Drew is super pumped to tell his family that this is the gUrl for him and tell Des that he loves her.
"I've fallen in love with Desiree, but I haven't yet said those three magical words, in that order to her." -- Drew
"Love I You!"
"You, I love!"
"I, you love!"
"You love I!"
Drew tells the "getting out of the limo" story and basically mentions that he couldn't stop staring at her "beautiful dress." SUSPICIOUS.
Drew tells MamaBear that Des is his soul mate.
Des sits down with Big Mal, and his pink gingham shirt.
This must be addressed: "Do you believe in angels...have you ever met an angel?"
I wouldn't have gone there either, Des!
I'm also imagining my dad asking someone that question. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
"Have you ever met an angel... WRONG! Lauren is a damn angel!"
Drew is ready to propose.
Y'all know I wouldn't fit into that shirt Drew is wearing, right? There's no way.
Drew sits down with dad to share his feelings.
"If you want to marry this gUrl, I'd throw a party." -- Drew's Dad
Oh. You mean, like a wedding reception or just a regular party?
Isn't it implied that if you marry someone there's usually a party?
BigMal is pretty into Des.
Drew walks Des outside and they have the longest hug ever and they both mumble about a dozen things and then Drew just blurts out, "I love you!" It wasn't even that sweet, but maybe that's because we couldn't understand anything he was saying before.
"It's impossible to say goodbye to her." -- Drew, as Des DRIVES OFF IN A CAR
So. He said "goodbye."
Chris is up next! We head to Oregon, where apparently anything pre-1990 is historic.
Chris is creepily waiting for Des in the woods.
What are those jeans? Where do you even buy those? Oregon, I guess?
Chris takes Des to his little league baseball field. I guess I missed all of this baseball stuff in every other episode this season. I just thought this guy was a poet. IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris makes Des wear a baseball tee.
Des throws like a gUrl. : (
They play a lot of baseball.
Then, they sit down on the pitcher's mound and share some SKETCHES. They try to kiss, but the hats are in the way. Chris loved the sketches.
Chris's family wastes no time and immediately sits down to dinner. His dad gives a speech that I couldn't follow with a map and a compass. Des followed though, "That's such an Irish toast!" Oh, was it? I hope the Irish are okay with that label.
Chris's dad's chiropractic practice is in their basement (???????????????????????), so he opts to give Des an adjustment before she can even finish a glass of wine.
Dad even put on his white coat for the special moment.
Finally, Des gets to sit down with him and she asks, "is he ready for a serious relationship?" LIKE, DES. Why are you wasting your questions? The guy is writing you poetry, baby gUrl. It's not like he's coming on the show to launch his poetry career. Because: NOT A CAREER. NOT A THING.
Then, Chris gets a "nose adjustment." BUT, I'M LIKE, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?
Chris's mom takes Des outside and talks really slowly and really softly.
Then, the whole family launches into: WE HATED YOUR LAST gUrlfrand.
The background music sounds like a soundtrack to a movie-- THE SCENE WHERE SOMEONE IS GETTING READY FOR A FUNERAL.
"I don't foresee any problems." -- Chris, to mom about the future
"It's hard for me to see women with a lot of insecurities." -- Chris's mom
WELCOME TO MY LIFE.
But, like, do you ever get to hang out with any women?
Chris's mom gives her blessing for a proposal.
Chris has convinced himself that there's no way Des has these feelings with any other men. So. Baby boy has never seen this show. : (
The SUV Des just drove off in has rims. Wasn't expecting that in Oregon.
Brooks is up next!
The two meet in a park and use their words, as they skip and run towards each other. What a moment!
Brooks, like, gets it. He gets that he's on a reality show and none of this is real or timely. And I'm like, THANK YOU, BROOKS.
If they are so cold, why don't they put jackets on?
Des made a list of "special moments" to share with Brooks.
There were like, 4 moments.
"Fireworks in our face." -- Des
So eloquent, gUrl.
She pictures adventures with every guy, including Brooks. And none of these guys really seem all that adventurous. Minus maybe Zak. I mean, one guy took her to his mom's house, one guy took her to a a baseball field and this guy took her out in a canoe. IT'S LIKE A COMMERCIAL FOR ADVENTURE. GET THESE PEOPLE A JEEP WRANGLER, STAT!
They kiss in a canoe and then almost tip the canoe, but they get out of the canoe and I don't think they are wet. But, how could they not be wet?
Brooks makes Des walk seven blocks to his family home... in wet jeans. RUDE. That's a recipe for chaffing, for sure.
Brooks has 27 brothers and sisters. They are all wearing name tags.
Des describes walking into Brooks's house the same way she described Zak's, "the energy was through the roof."
Des sits down with Mom. Brooks hangs with two of his 37 brothers.
"Can you she hang with you?" -- Brother
"Oh, yeah, she can." -- Brooks
Then, a brother asks if Brooks could live without Des and he never answers. He also does not answer, "could you make her happy for the rest of your life?"
IMMA SAY: NO. No, you can't Brooks. But, I'll leave it at that, I won't launch into how another person can't do that and happiness is fleeting and in a Gospel story there's always suffering.
Brooks sits down with his sister and starts whispering.
CONFESSION: during the previews, I thought this sister was his mom. : (
Brooks is a mama's boy.
Mom is really rockin' the statement necklace, gang.
Brooks is wearing a bathrobe.
Mom tells Brooks that the family will love whoever he loves.
Which, BOLD PROMISE, mom.
Brooks really loves his mom, y'all. And he got the approval he so desperately wanted, nay, NEEDED.
It took Des approximately 16 minutes to hug the entire family before leaving.
Now, Des is meeting up with her brother, who she hasn't seen in months, but definitely needs his approval.
ABC is tryna play us, y'all!
If she needs his approval so badly why haven't they seen each other in months?
I have a brother, so I know how this works. You're either close to your brother or you're not. You either want your brother to be apart of your life and meet the people you date or you don't talk to your brother for months until producers of the reality show you're on make you. (Note: I'm close to my brother and I'd want him to meet the people I'm dating. But, I don't like when he tries to find them on Facebook.)
She breaks down all of the bros for her bro and bro asks to meet the bros. Des says, "No. No!"
"What's the big deal?" -- Desiree's Bro
EXACTLY. You just going to hide him for the rest of your life?
But, you're so close!!!!!!!!!
Then, brother says he doesn't have any problems or concerns with the situation. So. Like. Who's playing who?
Brother leaves, but does he? Or is he awkwardly creeping around in the lobby?
Des sits down with Chrissy Poo and recaps EVERYTHING WE JUST SAW FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS.
I think Des got a new make up artist for the night.
Word of the evening with Chris, "BOLD."
Y'all. She learned a new word and I'm pretty happy. But, she's used it to describe every guy. So. Still not quite there yet, gang.
Des stares at all the framed photos one last time. This is the equivalent to creeping on a dude's Facebook in reality TV land? IDK.
Can you imagine just staring at a framed photo of someone for that long? Someone who is alive and well, I mean.
Oh! There's brother bear!
He's way under dressed for the evening.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Guys, I know there are like, some seriously strong feelings." -- Chrissy Poo
Like, seriously strong.
I mean, I think we can all see what's coming, right?
Des is wearing a watch and this is the most I've ever liked her.
The music starts. Is someone going to get stabbed? Brother bear is lurking in the lobby.
FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drew gets the final rose.
Zak is headed home to sno cones.
Zak is completely shocked, "completely shocked."
Really, Zak? Really?
Des tells Zak that out of everyone in the "whole world, THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD" he deserves love.
Then, she gave back that ring.
Zak gets in the limo of heartache and hopelessness and is "completely numb."
"What the hell just happened?" -- Zak
You tell me, bro! You tell me.
"When I tell her that I love her and she cries... I don't get it." -- Zak
I think that actually sums it up right there.
Zak goes on this diatribe and basically tells us that he's the saddest person in the whole world, the whole wide world. He's spent too many years alone.
And that limo just cut across three lanes of traffic and dumped him on the side of the road??????????????
And just like that, there were three.
(And we are one week closer to this long national nightmare being over.)