Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : epi 7.

I'd be remiss to not start this post off by congratulating everyone's favorite Bachelor/ette watch party host, BRENDA DIANE MARR, on her engagement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brenda's been hosting ladiez in her home for like, 8 years on Monday nights and last week she accepted the final rose. 

Brenda is literally one of the most genuinely kind and fun people I've ever met and I cannot wait for her to walk down the aisle to a recording of herself singing "Fancy." It's going to be a special day for a special gUrl. 

Dreams do come true, y'all!

-----

Again. Here we are.

Desiree starts us off with a lil' geography lesson. The crew is in Madeira, Portugal. It's a tiny, tiny island and at one point Des screams, "I'm the luckiest gUrl in Madeira " Can't be that many gUrls on that island. So. She's not that lucky?

There are five dudes left and only one dude is wearing a hoodie.

The dudes head to their hotel/resort and Drew describes it as, "gorgeous." Like, y'all needed to hear how he said it.

Jackie, Catherine and Lesley are in Madeira to help Des make a decision. The first thing Des asks is, "How is Sean?" : (

Baby gUrl just can't let go.

Catherine answers with, "He wanted a best frand, I wanted a best frand. We are best frandz." So.

Just. Too easy.

Des breaks down all of the boyz to the gUrlies and it's the saddest afternoon dish session over drAnks I've ever witnessed. Like.

The boyz come down to the pool and the gUrls bust out binoculars to check them out.

"Drew is good at the basketball." -- Jackie
Oh. 

Someone asked Des about kissing and she told them about all the kissing and then everyone giggled. My g-frandz aren't nasty or gross on any level, but we put these people to shame when discussing boyz and relationships. I felt like I was watching someone describe their relationship with a Disney prince to their grandmother on Sesame Street.

I NEED SOME SPICE.

-----

It's time for the one-on-one with Brooks!!!!!!!!!!

Earlier Des told the gUrls they were going, "up a mountain, through the clouds."

Brooks said he was going to use today to decide if they were going to be in a relationship or not.

The two head off in a golf cart to the sky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm most excited to see where he's at." -- Des
HE'S RIGHT THERE. 

The only word these two know is, "excited."

OHHHHHHHHHHH.

"We need more adjectives." -- Brooks
YES. YES. VOCABULARY. 

I grew up in Arkansas, went to the University of Arkansas and never had to take the SAT. BUT. I have the words. All of them. Or at least a lot of them. These people are missing 90 percent of all the words. Use the words!

They drive up this mountain and it's some pretty dope scenery, like majestic. These two describe it as "pretty."

"Sometimes, you are past 'like' and not yet to 'love' so I'm definitely in the clouds trying to find out how I feel." -- Brooks
That's a place? The place in between 'like' and 'love' is a cloud? 
Brooks, are you a unicorn?

Brooks wants to have a convo with Des to try and figure out where they are as an "us." They don't discuss anything other than holding hands and both agree that it just, "works." Again, Des just agrees.

"I think we are going to get married and start a puppy mill."
"Same!"

So, these two are up on a mountain, "in the clouds."
See photo.



Okay, so we all get it.

And these two, not having any of the words to use to describe their feelings and emotions at this moment go off on a tangent ONLY USING METAPHORS ABOUT CLOUDS.

"Lost in the clouds." -- Brooks

"We didn't just break through the clouds, we had a break through!" -- Des

"Feels good to be lost in cloud 9 with you." -- Brooks

At some point, Des finds some words.

"Picture the best dream you've ever had and times that by 10 and then, live in it." -- Des
Okay, gUrl. That's exactly what I just did. My dream was, I ate at Cracker Barrel and then went to Wal-Mart. So, now I am living in Russellville, Arkansas and I drive a Dodge Charger with a spoiler. : (

There's honestly nothing to say about all of this because all they discussed was clouds!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I basically failed 8th grade science, but I would've liked to hear if these were cumulus clouds, cirrus clouds or stratus clouds, y'all! Cloud classifications are more fun than the rock cycle, so give us something here, people.

The cloud date is finally over and the two are, I'm assuming, now off of cloud 9.

Des said she never dreamed of being here and she wants to figure out if she's falling in love.

That sweater. Brooks. WOOF.

Tonight, Brooks wants to be "really honest" with Des. So, he launches into a diatribe about how his family has gotten really attached to his ex-gUrlfrandz. Des, of course, says, "Yeah, me too."

"I'm not close to my family,  just because they are my family. We have a lot of memories." -- Brooks
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. I get it now. 


Update: the adjectives in between 'like' and 'love' are stepping, skipping, running and finish line.
Guys, I reallllllllllly hate to do this, BUT.

Those are VERBS.
And I think, a finish line would qualify as a NOUN.

OYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Brooks says he really likes her "adjectives," but then he also says he doesn't know what any of those words mean. : (

They get up from the table and Brooks says "cloud 9" again, so at this point I am not even alive anymore. Like, I am physically dead. 

Brooks wants Des to meet his family AND THEN THE FIREWORKS.

These two are the type of people who would definitely take pics of fireworks (SHOUT OUT MALORY!) and blow up your Gram feed with all of the pictures. 

"I can really picture how it would be to be in Brooks' life and to enjoy family reunions..." -- Des
THATZ WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO WITH HIM? FAMILY REUNIONS?

So. These two spent all day together gushing over each other, but I'm not sure their relationship is much farther along than two 5th graders. 

"We're going out with each other," the young gUrl excitedly told her father. 
"BUT, where do you GO," he questioned. 

Exactly.

-----

It's one-on-one time for Chris (not Harrison)!

The date card said something about "love and sea" or somethingsomething and Chris said, "I'm excited to see what this 'sea' is about." UMM. It's basically the equivalent of an ocean, Chris.

Chris is super excited to "chill, boat style." Which, I guess is a thing. 
No, I'm kidding. It's a thing.

Again, these two have none of the words. And yet, they are both poets.

"We're boating!" -- Chris
"We're boating!" -- Des

"This is cool." -- Chris
"This is SO cool." -- Des

Des tells Chris they are headed to a deserted island and things get pretty sexy-time when they start lathering that SPF 90 on each other. 

Guys, there's nothing sexier than preventing skin cancer. 

"There are beautiful colors and ridges." -- Chris, describing the scenery

Des asks Chris what his frandz see him like. Then, Chris asks her the same question. She says her frandz think she's reserved and mysterious, but independent and creative. 

She's ready to not be so independent. 
Baby gUrl is dropping hints all over this damn island!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, she wants to be dependent on you!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, ever the romantic, BUT NOT WITH HIS FRANDZ, decided they were going to write a poem together and put it in a bottle. 

"I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my 
Message in a bottle 

Message in a bottle."

They start writing the poem and it's bad. Chris is trying to describe the experience and he starts to say, "I'm on cloud 9," but mysteriously stops himself. I'm assuming a producer was standing behind the camera furiously waving her arms as if to say, "BROOKS SAID 'CLOUD 9' 400 TIMES ALREADY! USE YOUR WORDS!" 

They threw that sad ass poem into the sea (really, it's an ocean) and it's almost as if they were giving poetry, as a whole, a viking funeral because at that moment: poetry died. They killed it. 

In high school, I considered myself a poet. Years later, I'm embarrassed.


It's time for dinner in a really dark room! Chris is going to tell Des that he is in love with her. 

"How big of a family do you want?" -- Chris
"I want a tight knit family." -- Des
NOT A NUMBER. 

They talked about families and meeting families, but I zoned out and now Chris is reading another poem. 

The poem sucked and at the end he said, "I love you."
SHE ATE IT UP. 

She is sooooooo going to encourage this guy to publish his poetry and then, all of their frandz are going to have to buy a copy of this book and it's going to get really weird BECAUSE HE IS NOT GOOD AT THE POETRY. 

Chris thinks he knows exactly what Des is thinking... he's pretty convinced that she's in love, too. 

Lots of kissing. 

-----

It's time for Michael's one-on-one date with Des. He is dressed to go to an afternoon frat party. 

"Look at the artwork. It's cool. Yeah, that's cool." -- Des
THE WORDS. 

Michael says that Des has 48 of the 47 qualities the perfect woman possesses.
So.

I zoned out again, but now they are taking a giant piece of wicker furniture down a hill. Basically, this a really long Pier 1 commercial.

"Oh my God, this is so cool!" -- Des
That word means NOTHING to me now. NOTHING. Everything can't be "so cool."

"Love is a wild ride." -- Michael

I guess the Pier 1 commercial is over because now they are at dinner, in the dark, in the street, and Michael is dressed like a character from "Miami Vice."

"What were you always doing as a family?" -- Des
"Just running around." -- Michael

Michael is talking about his family and then gets real personal and talks about having Type 1 Diabetes. : (

Now, Michael is telling a story about some Facebook photo. IDK. 2013. 

It took him a year to get over whatever he saw on Facebook. I can't lie, I'm often trying to get over things I see on Facebook. I wonder if he saw some status about breastfeeding or potty training?????????

"I want my family to meet the gUrl I might marry." -- Michael
Uhhh... DUH. 

-----

Two-on-one date between Drew and Zak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a rose on this date. 

Des is taking Drew and Zak go-carting.

"Soooooo fun!" -- Des

Des challenges the boys to a race and says whoever wins GETS A PRIZE. I bet it's alone time and a kiss. I HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT, ABC.

Zak is just "going for it" and "he's not even looking back." 
Zak wins. 

They head to a picnic in what looks to be a bed of weeds. 

Drew is getting creepy.

Zak gets his alone time with Des first because he won. 

Drew is describing the day as the, "most pivotal day of his life."
~~**dRaMa**~~

Zak tells Des that this has been the best time of his life and I think he's actually talking about his time with Des and not just the free vacation. To recap his time, he's done some sketching. BECAUSE WE NEED MORE SKETCHING ON PRIME TIME TELEVISION.

Turns out, they are more like paintings than drawings. 

Zak opts to NOT tell Des that he loves her, because he respects Drew. (I'm sure this is foreshadowing.)

Someone set up a blanket on some tires because like, ROMANCE.

I don't even know what these two are talking about. Something about letting people in and being comfortable. 

Drew can't wait for Des to meet his sister. Then, we learn that his sister can't communicate. Then, he asks Des to come with him to pick up his sister. 

"I've never had these feelings." -- Drew
WHAT, FEELINGS FOR A WOMAN?

Drew says he's falling in love and they kiss. 

It's time for the rose to be handed out. 
Zak is confident and he wants the rose BAD. 

DREW GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then some weird country music comes on?

"These are feelings I've never felt before." -- Drew
WHAT, FEELINGS FOR A WOMAN?

Zak has been trying for a really long time to meet someone like Des and now, he doesn't know if he'll ever find someone again.

-----

Chrissy Poo sits down with Des for a brief therapy session. Her hair looks good.

Chris is wearing chambray with a sheen to it.

CONFESSION: I fast-forwarded, because TWO HOURS LONG and I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three roses! Five guys! One already has a rose!
That means: one guy goes home.

Des says she is falling in love and it's exciting.

She says everyone is "A-MAZING."

FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zak and Michael are left.
ZAK GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des walks Michael out and they sit down for a second because Des wants him to know, "how special he is."

They both think the world of each other.

Michael seems genuinely sad, but also totally okay.

He gets up in that limo van and lets loose.

"I'm tired of having my heart broken and being rejected. It sucks. IT SUCKS." -- Michael

"To take this wonderful gUrl home would've made my mom's life." -- Michael
Dang. What's ole mom even up to? Sounds like she's probz just doing a lot of crosswords and watching Maury. 

OH. MICHAEL CALLED HIS MOTHER FROM THE LIMO.

"Here we go again." -- Michael's Mom
: (

There's really nowhere to go from here... that guy just called his mom from a limo.

1 comment:

Morgan said...

Fave quote of the week: "Dodge Charger with a spoiler. : (" A close second: "I wonder if he saw some status about breastfeeding or potty training?????????"

But most importantly, I thought I should point out that Family Reunions can be incredibly romantic.