Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : Epi 6.

My senior year in college I signed up for an Astronomy class that would serve as my last and final science credit. The class was 1 hour and 50 minutes long. I was so uninterested and unmotivated by the class that I often called it "astrology" to my frandz without even noticing my mistake. I never even purchased a book for the class.

I would rather sit through that class, blind, twice a week, for the rest of my life than watch this show.

That probz doesn't seem all that harsh to some people, but sitting through astronomy without eyesight? Also. I only went to that class five times over the course of the semester.

So. I guess I've always been pretty dedicated to (the) science(s).
IDK.

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Barcelona!

You know how I know they are even in Barcelona?

Desiree playfully screams, "BAR-SA-LONA! Here I am!"

She calls it inspiring and "the perfect place to fall in love."

I remember the old days when Malibu was the perfect place to fall in love. : (

Zak is fairly convinced that no one has ever fallen in love before, MINUS ALL THE PEOPLE IN SPAIN because they appreciate love and food the most out of anyone ever. Ever.

They all keep saying Barcelona with some sort of lame accent, but I'm all, "YOU HAVE ON THE SAME HOODIE AS THAT OTHER GUY. SHUT UP."

Speaking of HOODIES? You want one of your very own? Well, here you go! ORDER AWAY.

Drew gets the one-on-one date.

There's this whole underlying thing going on concerning James, but like... what the what.

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"He's so romantic about romance." -- Des, about Drew
Not a thing. 

Drew meets up with Des and can't handle anything until he kisses her. So. Kissy-kissy!

Did Drew steal that shirt from the Brady Bunch? It's like, the widest collar ever.

Drew has more product in his hair than all the hair products in the world. He must have some crazy curly hair, right?

Drew and Des drink from a random street fountain and I'm assuming they edited the part of the show where they go and get tetanus shots afterwards?

After the tetanus shots they go for some tapas! Pronounced, by Des, "TaaaaH-paSsss!"

Drew tells Des that what makes him Drew is his alcoholic father, but he's better. Apparently, he told him he was an alcoholic in a dimly lit garage with the garage door halfway open. Not sure why those details were given, but he shared them, so.

Guyz, are we 100 percent sure that Drew is into gUrls?
JUST ASKING!!!!!!!!!

It's time for dinner! But, first! A concert in an alley! These three dudes found the only section of this alley that has graffiti to perform by/under. It really set the mood. Not convinced that they aren't some sort of Spanish street gang.

Des leads Drew into a dimly lit room and Drew is being overwhelmed by his emotions, but you'd never know it because he has the same demeanor when saying that when telling Des that his dad is an alcoholic.

He's the type of guy that would fire someone from a job, but you'd have no idea if you were fired or not because he's just sitting there kind of halfway smiling at you with his shiny, shiny hair.

Drew's thoughts and emotions are "running crazy" so, he gets up from the table and leads Des approximately 70 feet down an alley and throws her against a wall. Fairly hardcore make out ensues.

Des says the moment made her feel special. Because, you know... what gUrl doesn't feel special when they are up against a wall in a dark alley? WHAT A MOMENT! DADS EVERYWHERE ARE PROUD.

Des managed to pick up the rose from the table before Drew whisked her into the alley and of course, Drew accepts the rose.

Post make out, Drew tells Des that "there was a conversation I overheard on the way home the other day" and gives Des the choice of hearing the story or not. Well, duh.

So. Drew tells Des all about James and his plan for becoming the next Bachelor.

The clearly very thought out plan by James includes: making it to the top four.

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GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are six guyz on the date and Des can't wait to just, "hug them and be with them."

The boyz and Des are going to play a soccer game!

Kasey says that Juan Pablo has the advantage today because, "he's played professional soccer before." I thought that professional soccer was JP's actual profession?

JP says he feels at home on the soccer field. He's also wearing long underwear, ala what my grandmother used to put in my dad's stocking at Crimmas.

We learn that the boyz are going to play a game against Des and five other gUrls, who happen to a part of a professional women's team in Spain.

I played soccer for like, 14 years and then won four intramural championships in college. But, look at these gUrls. They look like a Russian pop group. And Des is the least intimidating soccer played on planet Earth.




Basically, I feel sad for soccer.

The boyz jump out to a quick 2-0 lead.

I fast-forwarded through the rest. The gUrls won 10-2 and everyone said James was a shitty goalie, which could've gone left unsaid considering 10 goals were scored against him and he took up at least 1/3 of that goal.

GROUP DATE COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

"Cheers to kicking some soccer balls today and kickin' it with Des tonight." -- Micheal
NAILED IT. 

Every single boy is talking about the situation with James, but then clarifying, "BUT, I'm focused on Des."

Des pulls Chris into her room and tells him that he's good at everything. I guess I missed that part.
Have they really done everything on this show? Is that an accurate description of his skills?

BUT, THEN SHE TELLS HIM THAT SHE WROTE A POEM FOR HIM.
gUrl, no!!!!!!!!!!
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She doesn't stop.

"Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The poem is just.
Just. Just.

Chris described the poem as beautiful, but I'm just sad for poetry.

Kasey is wearing the most interesting cardigan I've ever seen on an actual human being.

Kasey, Chris and Michael pull James aside and Kasey tells him that he overheard his "disturbing" conversation about making the top four and becoming the next bachelor.

Meanwhile, Brooks and Des are cuddle buggin' and Brooks tells her that he sometimes likes to stare at her and Des says, "I love it!"

Like, gUrl.

Back to James and Company.

There's a lot of talk about a boat. I feel like it's April 19 and we're back in Watertown. I wish Brian Williams was here to narrate this conversation for us. I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS BOAT.

James gets defensive.

Did Michael break his thumb? What is that?

James said he was just kidding around about meeting gUrls and going clubbing.

James stands up and starts screaming.

"Oh, you have a boat?! Letz hang the F out in Chicago and whatever dude!" -- James
For something he supposedly did not say, those sound like pretty specific plans.

James's pocket square is falling out.

Kasey was actually on this bus or whatever and heard this conversation. James says it was just "guy talk" and then screams, "you're ridiculous!" He says this AFTER ABC bleeped out about 24 different words.

Kasey gets Des alone launches into the van story.

"It's disgusting." -- Des

Des pulls James aside and tells the other boyz that she is not giving out a group date rose. Kasey's blood is boiling.

I AM JUST BORED.

"The shit is about to hit the fan." -- Des
Oh, promises, promises, gUrl. 
I'll believe that when I see it. 

Shit hitting a fan would actually be more entertaining than this.
And. As gross as that is, I've kind of always wanted to see it happen.

-----

James and Des sit down for a lil' talk.

Des brings up the boat. How is she not interested in going on this boat? Doesn't everyone love going out on a boat?

James says he never brought up going on the boat.

Des says she believes the other guyz.

"I think he was self-medicating himself." -- James
Thatz not how you say that. 

James says he might have said that the worst case scenario for him would be losing Des and maybe becoming the next Bachelor. Maybe he said.

James is crying, he feels a connection.

"I feel so excluded now." -- James
OY. 
Middle school dance!!!!!!!

James is still crying and Des can't wrap her head around it.

Des is crying.

Hugz.

Somethingtrustsomethingit'stoughsomethingsomething.

Basically, it's tough.

Des says she's going to sleep on it.
As if we're not already asleep.

The boyz are back at the hotel and are just plain SHOCKED to see James roll back in. He comes in and says, "Goodnight." Ohhhhhhh, BURN!

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Des woke up this morning and was "not feeling very happy," so she went to do some sketching. She needs a break from the **~~dRaMa~~**.

Zak rolls up on Des while she's sketching.

"What are you doing over here?"
"Sketching."

I have to give Zak props for not wearing a hoodie. I don't think he's ever really been shown in one.

Apparently, Zak is super into art and he's really into the fact that Barcelona is home to a lot of art.

The two head to an art studio to do some sketching.

"I don't sit down and sketch everyday, so this is new to me." -- Zak
Oh, I guess he's not as into art as he originally said, eh?

Zak's first sketch is pretty decent, but then the two decide to sketch each other.

CAN WE JUST SAY, DRAW?

Zak's "sketch" of Desiree is pretty shitty.



If you've ever seen the classic YouTube video called, "Old Greg," it looks eerily similar to that.
"This is as close to Bailey's as you can get without getting wet."

Note: if you've never seen "Old Greg," don't go watch it right now. Especially if you're alone.

Next up, a nude male model!

This is pretty weird.

"I go to museums every chance I get." -- Zak
Oh. Every chance you get?

Zak isn't loving this whole thing, so he has an idea. OF COURSE, he comes back in a robe and some whitey-tighties. Des thinks it's all VERY SILLY.

I guess when you grow up in a tent, you really are easily entertained.

DINNER TIME!!!!!!!!!!

The two head into a really dark cellar.

Zak says he's absolutely in love and his intentions are "true."

Zak, more than anything in this world, wants "this rose."

He then asks what Des needs to know.

Des follows up with the same question she asked Drew, "What's make Zak, Zak?"

Zak wants the same relationship his parents have, but he's not ready to just live and die somewhere. He's adventurous.

Des describes herself as, "the same."

Like. She's definitely one of those gUrls who will adhere to whatever her current dude is into.

"I hate puppies!"
"No joke, puppies are the worst!!!!!"

"I'm super into composting!"
"No, I'm super into composting!"

OY.

Zak gets the rose, she'd love to spend more time with him.

"You kind of mean everything to me." -- Zak
Kind of?
Everything?
SLOW YOUR ROLL. 

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Back at the hotel, James sits down for a casual lil' convo with Drew.

For the billionth time, James is told exactly what he said on that van.

Drew is very passionate about this and James just says "this is about reality."

YAWN.

"You act like I'm a bad person." -- James

Drew is treating this like a group project and James just isn't pulling his weight. Drew wants focus and James isn't focused. Then, he calls him a piece of shit.

The next day Des comes to the hotel and pulls James outside for a "nice chat."

They sit down for a chat and go back-and-forth, back-and-forth.

James says, without a doubt, Des has every quality he's ever looked for in a gUrl.

PLAYAS GON' PLAY, Y'ALL.

Kasey, Drew and Brooks are kind of spying on James and Des, but mostly they are just talking about how much they hate James.

Just like the night before, they continue to say, "it's so tough."

"I feel more alive than I did before." -- James
Before what?!
Sounds like a guy who recently went out on a boat. 

Des starts to cry. James says he's proud of Des and he knows that she's a real person.

Somethingsomethingemotionsconnectionssomethingsomethingtearsdecisionsrespectsomething.

James goes back upstairs and people be mad.

Chris said, "shocked," or "shocking" like, 19 times.
I don't think he's talking about voltage.

James is going back to his "reality" argument.

"Reality will occur and thatz okay." -- James
Yes... go on...

Chris flips his shit. How can you take this guy seriously in his v-neck? Does Chris have a weird eye? What the hell happened to Michael's thumb? Remember when Brooks broke his finger and had to go to the hospital?

I cannot even handle this conversation.  James doesn't have to answer any questions anymore if he doesn't feel like it. James feels like he's being picked on. It's about respect, y'all.

These guyz need to look up the definitions for the following words: respect, shocked/shocking, reality, disgust

James is having a lot of trouble keeping that shirt tucked in. I wish he wasn't wearing flip-flops.

Ok, guyz. For real.

Does Drew, FOR SURE, like gurls?

"I don't get why she hasn't slapped him and said, 'how dare you, you're a pig, you're an asshole, you disgust me, you need to go home.'" -- Drew
That. Is. Specific.
He has played this out in his head. For sure. 

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ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's no cocktail party tonight and it's like: GOD HEARS US, Y'ALL.

Chrissy Poo calls this week the most "emotional, dramatic, and volatile" week ever. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE, CHRIS. YOUR WORDS ARE WORTHLESS TO ME. WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desiree's hair looks good! Go, gUrl!
Is that the dress Catherine wore on last season's "After the Final Rose"?

FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY.

MICHAEL GETS THE ROSE.

Juan Pablo doesn't get a rose.

"I thought we had a connection, but she wanted me to go home." -- JP
EXCELLENT SUMMATION.

"I want a wife to spend Christmas and birthday parties." -- JP
Then, he cried. 

Kasey doesn't get a rose.

James doesn't get a rose.

James exits and he says it's hard to swallow.

"I had a conversation with Mikey about reality and there's nothing wrong with that." -- James
OY. 

I think the actual problem is that NO ONE knows what reality actually is and therefore, no one is really talking about it.

James is like, really upset.

He says he was bullied and he doesn't understand how he came off as such a bad person.

Bullied?

Like. NOT the right word.

"Why me?" -- James
Why not, James? Why not?

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"I'm going to trust my heart and my heart will find what it needs." -- Des
I think this sets up nicely for the weeks ahead. 

Here's hoping!

1 comment:

Morgan said...

i could've used some more jp. next week can your blog entry simply be quotes from the epi?