Author's note: Monday evenings are beginning to feel like Monday mornings.
This is the most boring, bland, dull season of this show (OR ANY SHOW) ever.
At least once a day I get a text/e-mail/g-chat message from someone telling me about how boring it is and how they can't watch anymore.
I wish I could do the same, but I feel obligated to entertain LeeAnne Nelson and like, three other people, so here we are.
Des and her band of merry gentlemen head to Munich, Germany for some good clean fun.
In our first scene we have nine boyz left. Seven of the boyz are wearing a hoodie. This is unacceptable.
It's Desiree's first time in Europe and she said, "Danka" to the person holding open the door for her. : (
Chris tells the boyz that this is the first European vacay for Des and then drops the hammer: it's two-on-one date week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hoodies head to their hotel and Ben is wearing his hoodie sans shirt.
James's hoodie is actually a pea coat with a hood.
Chris speaks German.
Oh. I thought Chris wasn't wearing a hoodie, but he is. So. Sorry for the confusion.
That means, eight out of nine boyz are wearing hoodies. Eight grown men all wearing a hoodie.
Like, let that resonate a second.
Chris (NOT HARRISON) and Des head out for their on-on-one. The first 5 minutes is just them looking at a map and flirting like middle schoolers. Like, I'm better at flirting than these goobs. We could honestly be watching two people on a middle school field trip and not know.
Bryden has decided to go home. His feelings have not developed. He's going to set out into the city to find her and let her know. He is so noble. And for the first time, I think Bryden actually, totally, 100 percent gets this show.
Back to Des and Chris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They eat sausage and try on lederhosen and take a couple of selfies and gallop around in a circle.
Seriously. I think they were prancer-cising.
"I don't think anything can go wrong." -- Chris (NOT HARRISON)
HE SAYS THIS AS BRYDEN IS SCOURING THE STREETS FOR DES!!!!!!!
Bryden just walks around asking people if they've seen "television cameras, shooting film?" You know what's hilarious? THEY PROBZ ARE SHOOTING THIS DIGITALLY, NOT WITH FILM!
Des and Chris are just blissfully spinning in circles while that guy on the tuba is playing the background music for what will become the saddest, most dramatic event to ever happen on the Bachelorette (this season, this episode, this segment).
Bryden stands by creepily for a second and then pulls Des aside for a quick minute.
The tuba music fades into the background and the piano death march fades in...
Bryden doesn't say much other than, "C YA NEVER!!!!!!!!"
I can't even feel bad for this gUrl while she's wearing this coat. Or while she's boring me to sleep. I would rather listen to 2 hours of Polka music, featuring a beginner on the tuba, than this.
Des describes the situation as, "so annoying."
Chris wants Des to know that she can trust him, so he forces her into a heart-to-heart conversation in a mall food court. Is that a mall food court? A mall food court in Germany is like eating at a rest stop in America, right? I don't know.
I'm half-German, y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So. I'm really sad for Germany right now.
The hoodies, back at the hotel, learn about the upcoming group date and two-on-one date. Ben and Michael G. (still have NO idea who or where the other Michael is?!?!?!) are going to go head-to-head on the two-on-one and Michael G. starts using a lot of legal jargon, but then eventually says, "I now need to go and murder Ben."
TALK ABOUT A RATINGS BOOST.
ABC could actually, finally bill that as the MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER.
Can you imagine? A murder?!
We're back to Chris and Des and they are super dressed up. They are dining at the Munich Residenz, which was formally the palace for the Bavarian monarchy. I decided to google facts about this place rather than listen to these two white people talk about their broken hearts.
"My last boyfriend was very unexpressive." -- Des
Oh. Like, he just made a lot of sad faces?
Chris's story is just as BLAHHHHHHHHHHH. All he said was, "My last gUrlfrand wasn't really looking to be in a relationship, I guess."
Chris wrote a poem on the plane ride to Germany.
"Feelings eternal if you choose me." -- Last line in the poem
"Des is the type of gUrl I would pursue: she's intelligent, she can throw a football, she can be comical, she's witty. Those are all characteristics I'm looking for." -- Chris
DO YOU KNOW WHAT 'CHARACTERISTIC' MEANS?
'Throwing a football' is a skill, NOT a character quality.
THIS IS THE LONGEST DATE IN REALITY TELEVISION HISTORY.
Who is Matt White?
"This is a fairy tale." -- Chris
See also: NIGHTMARE
These two white people are so perfect for each other.
They are going to take so many naps together after going to Whole Foods and the dog park in their Toyota Camry.
It's time for the group date and the setting looks like a scene from "Inception." I really hope thatz the theme for this date.
I don't want to call anybody stupid, but I'm not sure Des is the smartest person to ever be on this show. Her vocabulary is just off. Right?
The group heads up to the top of a mountain where they meet up with a yodeler. The dude's jacket was amazing. I don't even know how to describe it, but I want it.
The boyz "tried" yodeling and Des was like, SO into the fact that these boyz "are so open to trying anything."
Like. Baby gUrl, they were making fun of that guy, not trying new things. : (
Now, the gang is doing some sledding and everyone is super into watching Des "have fun like this."
Super silly snowball fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This is the happiest place on Earth." -- Des
IS SHE CLINICAL?
FOR REAL THOUGH.
Next up, the gang heads into an igloo. It was described as an igloo hotel AND an ice mansion. They are served white wine and pretzels. CLASSY, ABC. Classy.
Des tells the boyz to quit wasting their time and to pack up their shit if they aren't interested in being there.
Brooks is the first to get time with Des and he. just. starts. talking. SomethingsomethingGermanyAmazingSomethingHandsHandsKISSING.
Mikey really wants that rose. He thinks they have chemistry.
"Letz do something fun, let's make little snowmen! Do you want to?!" -- Mikey, to Des
"Do I?!" -- Des
You would've thought he asked her to sit front row at a Beyonce show the way she reacted to his idea to make snowmen.
WHY ARE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SO ANNOYING?
Zak is in Germany and he's come full circle. In college, Zak thought he was going to become a priest, so he bought a one-way ticket to Europe and he climbed to a top of a mountain in Germany and decided to not be a priest. COOL STORY, BRO.
In college, I thought I was going to work in youth ministry and then, I didn't.
The group is now hating on James and no one, especially Brooks, is happy about him.
Brooks goes a creepin' and just watches Des and James kiss.
Brooks gets the rose.
TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben says he's not worried about Michael and he's just going to "act polite and be a good Christian man." Noted.
Michael describes the situation as "armageddon."
I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES, I DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP.
CAUSE I'D MISS YOU BABE.
Michael goes on and on about how much he hates Ben. He also drAnks some whiskey. Then, he starts talking about how he's an attorney.
"Today, Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersanation of a Southern gentlemen." -- Michael G.
Des thinks today is going to be awkward and she's right.
Michael spoke German.
"I came from the land where you can watch a dog run away for three days." -- Ben
FALSE. I live in Dallas.
That dog is going to die on I-35.
Des tells the boyz they are going to do a polar plunge.
They are actually going to float around on the lake in a mobilized hot tub, called a "hot tug."
So, we have: fire, the wheel, electricity, the internetS, DVR and the hot tug.
And so begins Michael's beat down of Ben, in front of Des. He just goes after him relentlessly.
He calls Ben an absentee dad, after asking Ben if he's talked to his son since he's been in Germany.
"It's really hard to bite your tongue, to be a good Christian, to be a good man and not say anything." -- Ben
Desperately need to know his definition of "good Christian."
The other boyz are in the hotel discussing James.
Talk about hatin' the player AND the game.
THESE GUYS, AMIRIGHT?
Something about a boat and intimate settings on the water.
All of these guys are hoping to expose James to Des. They devise a plan to tell her everything.
BACK TO THE TWO-ON-ONE!!!!!!!!!
"That boat was not a lot of fun for me." -- Ben
Michael is ready to defend her honor and "expose Ben for the fraud that he is."
And so it begins.
Michael points out that no one likes Ben. Ben says he's not there to make frandz (bet he follows them all on Twitter though!!!!!!!!!).
In the middle of this, Des asks what traditions the boyz want to start with their families.
Ben says he wants to go to church every Sunday and Michael says, "WHAT ABOUT EASTER, BEN?"
And then, blahblahblahCALLSHIMOUTFORNOTGOINGTOCHURCHORCALLINGHISSONONEASTER
Ben excuses himself from the table and Michael tries to explain to Des that Ben is a liar.
Ben walks around outside and kind of punches the air and mumbles under his breath.
This is the exact behavior that used to happen at dances at my junior high.
AGAIN, Ben tells us that he's trying to be a "good Christian man." Like, I get it, bro. You're trying to live a life of integrity, serving others and spreading the Good News, right? Thatz what you mean? Just loving the Lord first and foremost?
Des goes out to check on Ben and Ben says he's never had anybody question his faith like this before. I'm pretty sure Michael just asked why he didn't go to church on Easter. Thatz not even a hard question. It's not like he asked him if he thinks there's a sixth point to Calvinism OR to explain any of Revelation.
Des pulls Michael aside to ask him just what the hell IS wrong with Ben.
Michael explains that Ben never talks about his kid, but always talks about his bar. I would've also mentioned that tank top from a couple of weeks ago. Talk about a red flag.
It's time for the decision.
MICHAEL GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben gets up from the table and goes outside to punch the air again. In the first 10 seconds, ABC bleeps out two words from this "good Christian man."
Michael says, "justice has been done."
Ben is super sweet (see: CREEPY) to Des when he leaves.
He gets into that limo and just goes off.
"Wow, God. Tonight was a shock...you're not going to have a Bachelor if you're not careful... you're missing out... the single dad from Texas...HI HOLLYWOOD. I'm going to have fun my last night in Munich. Where are we getting drunk tonight?" -- Ben, in the limo
I guess, at this point, he was over trying to be a "good Christian man."
Des sits down with Chris and talks about how much she LOVES Europe (see: Germany).
Chris calls her out for kissing people and I got bored.
She says she's falling for "these guys."
Drew has a strong moral integrity and he won't stand for people who abuse this situation.
Kasey agrees, but wants to stay out of the ~~**dRaMa**~~
Ain't gonna be no cocktail party tonight.
Straight to the ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Des thinks she can trust every guy there.
Baby gUrl. Sweet, sweet Des.
Is Kasey wearing #royalwedding attire?
SHE IS JUST NAILING THAT SPANISH, GANG.
FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The word "justice" is used again.
JAMES GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
Drew is at a loss. He describes James as a "cancer."
Brooks calls James a "shallow, piece of shit."
Mikey doesn't get a rose and FINALLY.
BECAUSE, all of it.
Next week, the gang is headed to SPAIN.
I cannot wait to see Desiree's Spanish language speaking skills come out in full force!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!