I'm fairly confident that those Old Navy reunion commercials featuring celebrities from the early '90s are much more entertaining. All those frandz back together in the name of moderately priced clothing?! Now thatz good TV!
And this? This is just TV. We press onward.
We start off with the weekly team huddle with the boyz and Chrissy Poo. Chris lays out the rules. He also tells the boyz that the one-on-one date, "is where you want to be." THIS GUY. AMIRIGHT?
We learn that the group date is going to take place on a battlefield. This is the first time in a long time that I've been excited to see what is going to happen next. I mean, a battlefield? People are just going to kill each other off to capture Desiree's affections? NO. They are playing dodge ball.
There's a commissioner of a national dodge ball league?
The boyz play against the "professional" dodge ballers and itz sad. But, not that sad, because ITZ GROWN MEN PLAYING DODGE BALL AGAINST EACH OTHER. Itz not like itz a thing.
Chris comes in to tell the boyz that they are going to play each other for a chance to win extra date time with Des. OH BOY! They wear small shorts and are headed to a "very, very public place." Is any public place more public than another when filming a television show for a national audience? I say no. But, I don't know that much.
"This isn't my grandfather's dodge ball." -- Dude
MY GRANDFATHER WAS IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC FOR 4 YEARS DURING WORLD WAR II. So. Yeah, this isn't his dodge ball, because there aren't Japanese Kamikazes trying to kill you while you're playing dodge ball at the mall.
So. Des is just loving this. She thinks itz SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny that the boyz are in small-ish shorts and tank tops. She is easily entertained. And she is just giggling and giggling and giggling.
THIS IS THE SADDEST FRAT PARTY I'VE EVER SEEN ON TELEVISION.
"I remember playing dodge ball as a child in school." -- Des
This what we have to work with here. (WHICH IS NOTHING)
The game is a best of three series. Game one gets down to Chris, for the red team, and Drew, for the blue team. Drew is narrating the final play for us, the audience, and nothing he describes is actually happening.
"He threw the ball and thankfully, it bounced straight into my direction."
He actually threw two balls back-to-back, and "thankfully" you're supposed to throw the balls in the direction of the other team.
"I grab the ball off the ground and in one fluid motion, I swing it around."
He picked up two balls off the ground, like a regular person and threw it like a regular person. There was no swinging of anything.
"Crowd went wild. Dog pile in the middle."
People screamed because they are on television. There was no dog pile.
Like, I really think he thought he was narrating something for us OTHER THAN GROWN MEN PLAYING DODGE BALL AGAINST EACH OTHER.
The blue team wins game one and we have to watch more of this.
The red team wins game two.
NOW, ITZ REALLY EXCITING.
Within seconds of the championship match starting, Brooks goes down. Des is upset. She doesn't want to see him in pain OR see him go to the hospital. Brooks goes to the hospital, so the blue team decides to take a "man" off the battlefield. UM, HELLO. This is dodge ball, that guy is down, YOU LEAVE YOUR MEN ON THE FIELD, BROS.
"This is do or die. This is game 7 of the World Series." --Drew
WHAT IS HE PLAYING?
DOES HE THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORLD SERIES IS JUST BECAUSE I AM A gUrl?
The game is finally over and the blue team wins. THERE WAS A DOG PILE THIS TIME.
The only thing less exciting than watching this was thinking about watching this.
Des breaks the news that she's going to bring EVERYONE to the party, not just the winners.
AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!
Brooks is in a hospital.
On a hospital bed.
With more than one doctor taking care of him.
He rode there in an ambulance.
FOR A BROKEN FINGER.
The summer before third grade I broke my arm and rode to the hospital in my family's mini-van and asked my dad to stop for chocolate ice cream on the way there because I thought it'd make me feel better. I got to the hospital and they set my arm and gave me a cheap ass teddy bear and we went home.
I was a nine-year-old gUrl.
And this guy?
OY VEY. : (
Brad tells us that he needs to tell Des some stuff about his past that has been haunting him. I HOPE ITZ ABOUT AN ACTUAL GHOST BECAUSE I AM BORED.
"I have a three-year-old son." -- Brad
Des reacts to this news like someone told her she won the lottery. No, G. No. YOU'RE GOING TO BE A STEP-MOM. Not quite the same thing when you're 26 and single in LA.
Chris (NOT Chrissy Poo) is worried that he's being looked over. So, he wants to do something special. He takes her to a secluded spot, so they can be alone. RED FLAG.
Brooks is back. And he is not going to let us forget that he hurt his finger and he holds it in the air.
"Itz not that big of a deal." -- Brooks
I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HIS MEDICAL BILLS.
I MEAN. OXYGEN.
They make out and his finger seems fine.
Des thinks itz so "special" that Brooks came back. Like, what else would he do? YOU DON'T STAY IN THE HOSPITAL OVER NIGHT FOR A BROKEN FINGER.
Chris gets the rose.
Because Chris gets the rose, the two of them get to enjoy a "private" and "personal" concert. BUT. Throughout the "private" and "personal" concert the other boyz are watching and commenting on watching them dancing and kissing. So. Itz all pretty creepy.
Des is at her house journaling or something and Chrissy Poo calls her on a LANDLINE. She acts surprised that itz Chris calling, BUT LIKE, WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE THAT NUMBER?
(Then it shows her talking on an iPhone.) THIS IS SO FAKE.
Anyway. They head to the house.
They pull that Brian guy outside and basically, nothing happens. A gUrl rolls through the house WEARING LEATHER PANTS and all the boyz are SHOCKED.
Stephanie introduces herself as Brian's girlfriend.
She goes for the handshake, Des goes for the hug.
THIS IS WHY SHE DOESN'T WORK FOR THIS SHOW. SHE'S HUGGING THE gUrl COMING TO BRING THE DRAMA.
Baby gUrl came in hot, guns-a-blazin'.
I just don't even know about this. Baby gUrl is a terrible actor. So, maybe itz real. But.
"Donovan! Don't you care about Donovan?" -- baby gUrl Stephanie
WTF IZ DONOVAN?
Chrissy Poo steps in and tries to fan the flames/be wise counsel.
How do we take this seriously when everyone is wearing a different shade of pink and Chris threw on a blazer for the confrontation?
"How could it be possible that you could go to our casting and tell us that you're single?" -- Chrissy Poo
Um. Is that your real question? ITZ POSSIBLE BECAUSE HUMANS.
We learn that baby gUrl Steph and Brian did the dirrty two days before Brian came out to LA.
Des tells Brian to pack his bags.
"What am I supposed to tell Donovan?" -- baby gUrl Steph
Like, I feel like we have other things to worry about right now.
Des tells Steph that she appreciates her bravery for coming on the show and then Steph gets in a limo and thatz it.
Seriously. The Bud Light Platinum commercials are more exciting than this.
BEN HAS ON A HALTER TOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Des tells the guys to spill the beans RIGHT NOW, if they have something to tell her.
Brandon is most upset about this situation because he didn't have a dad and Brian left a single mom behind. I feel bad for the dude as he's bawling his eyes out on camera about not having a father, but he's wearing a hoodie sans shirt. So. Like.
KASEY'S ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
Des does have on nude pants if you were wondering. Looks like she doesn't have pants on, but she does.
Has Kasey been on this show before or did he go to my high school? I can't ever tell.
We learn that they are going to "dance on the side of a building."
For the record, this is called bandaloop. Apparently, itz a thing. But, y'all. Itz not. Nothing has ever been less of a thing than BANDALOOP.
"Him and I started having a great time." -- Des
HIM AND I?
Des says the date isn't going the way she hoped. She sounds like a sad Taylor Swift song.
They head up to the top of the building for dinner and the wind started blowing about 22 miles per hour.
So, they get into the pool.
The pool was cold, so Des put a towel on her head. WHILE THEY WERE IN THE POOL.
Kasey uses this moment to kiss Des and they end up cuddling on the stairs.
Kasey gets the rose. DUH.
ANOTHER GROUP DATE!!!!!!!!!
The boyz get to the date via stagecoach. BECAUSE TELEVISION.
There are five boyz on this date and they are basically all dressed alike. They are all white and they are all physically fit. Whatz the difference? They are all the same person.
WE MIGHT AS WELL BE STANDING IN LINE AT WHOLE FOODS RIGHT NOW.
Oh, boy! We're going to be doing stunts! Oh, boy! This guy trained Johnny Depp with his "cowboy bootcamp." Same or different type of boot camp everyone on my Facebook newsfeed bitches about all the time?
"Today, I'm going to learn to be a hero." -- James
He said this as the guy who went to Iraq is standing two feet from him.
So far the "stunts" involve roping a bale of hay.
Everyone is dressed like they are a Mumford and/or Son.
The competition begins.
Something about rodeo clowns.
BRYDEN WAS IN THE ARMY.
He must feel so sad on the inside.
One dude's pants split. He's a beverage sales director. BARTENDER???????
Juan Pablo speaks Spanish the whole time and THAT IS LIKE, SO FOREIGN TO EVERYONE.
"You all did so good." -- Des
NO. They did WELL.
They didn't do good, they did well.
Juan Pablo won the "competition."
"There was a theater... with popcornS and stuff." -- JP
HE'S NOT FROM HERE, Y'ALL.
Are they really watching an entire movie while everyone else is somewhere else?
Also, Disney owns ABC, so like. They do what they want.
JP LEADS WITH THE TONGUE.
I can't imagine a less comfortable place to make out. WICKER FURNITURE IN A BARN.
Now, everyone is back to party!
Someone on the production team made a move on Etsy. Mason jars as drinking glasses?! Itz like a wedding! And all the hay?! AN INSTAGRAM DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bryden combed his hair and unbuttoned his shirt a little. So. Baby boy got some help from somewhere. I bet he borrowed that shirt from someone.
Listening to Bryden talk seems a lot like what sitting through a parent-teacher conference with a band director would be like. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A KID OR A KNOW WHAT A BAND IS.
Zak tells Des that he tried to kiss her and they just giggle and giggle and giggle. But, he does not attempt to kiss her again. BOLD.
Does Des have an actual sense of humor? I mean, there's an easy laugher and then there's this. THIS. What even is this?
James tells some story about his Dad. His dad is sick. He needs to know RIGHT NOW, if this is a waste of time.
James gets the rose, BECAUSE SAD STORIES WORK.
When Des went to retrieve the rose, James picked a daisy for Des to accept.
OMG HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING CUTER THAN THAT, YOU GUYZ??????????
Personally, I've seen Anne Geddes photos with more charm.
Chrissy Poo tells us that the cocktail party is cancelled, BECAUSE RELAX CHILL POOL PARTY.
Ben is being super creep and hanging out the door waiting on Des. HE IS WEARING A HALTER TOP.
WHERE DO YOU EVEN BUY ONE OF THOSE FOR A BOY?
Ben asks Des to go on a short drive and goes on some diatribe about the "dad zone." And of course, they kiss in front of everyone.
gUrls, have you ever kissed a man wearing a halter top? Were you wearing a halter top?
WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THAT HOT TUB?
"My favorite part about today was seeing the guys." -- Des
O M G
You are so sweet. Junior high must've been sooooooooo hard. : (
Ben lied to Mikey and Chris about being with Des. So, naturally Mikey pulls Ben aside to confront him.
"My dating life is not public." -- Ben
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THIS IS ON TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!!!
Brandon pulls Des aside and he feels like he has a lot to offer her. He also says every time he hangs out with her IS THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE. : (
Then, he starts talking about his mom's boyfriends.
OH. HE TOLD HER HE WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.
TERRIBLE, AWKWARD KISS.
Y'all. THIS GUY.
We just went from Dateline to Lifetime movie.
EVERY BOY IS IN THAT HOT TUB. ALL OF THEM.
Itz like watching the after-party of an Olympic diving event.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
Whoa. Des thought she was going to somewhere other than the filming of a television show. Baby gUrl got all gussied up. Who's laughing now Des' junior high classmates? Who's laughing now?
SHE DID THE SPANISH THING AGAIN AND NOW, I'M OFFENDED.
Why doesn't she trace back all of the boyz' heritage and speak in their ancestors' language?!?!!?!?
Final rose, when you're ready!!!!!
Ben gets the final rose.
BRANDON DOES NOT GET A ROSE.
LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.
BRANDON DOES NOT GET A ROSE.
HERE WE GO!
Dan handles it well. Which in this world, means he handled it LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.
Des walks outside to talk to Brandon. Brandon is crying.
"It sucks so bad... she just didn't feel it." -- Brandon
"Once again, someone left me."
"I can't even cry... I just... I'm out of tears."
Boy, put it on lock!
I'm out of tears and patience. ABC better get some live tigers or something up on this biz next week. Either that, or play more Old Navy commercials.