Much to my detriment, another Monday is upon us and Des and her merry brood of gentleman courters are on my television. My only goal is to stay awake, as I'm not sure a more uninteresting group of people has ever had this much airtime on prime time television. It's like a never-ending advertisement for khaki pants and light beer.
Of course, we have to start off the show with 4 years worth of recaps explaining exactly what DID NOT happen last week: entertainment. And then, of course, we move on to Chrissy Poo ever-so-carefully explaining the upcoming week to the merry brood of gentlemen courters. This is where we pick it up.
Somewhere in Hollywood, during the production of this show, a low-level assistant said, "How many v-necks can fit on one couch, y'all? Should we switch up the game?" And someone replied back, "Deep neck or regular? It doesn't matter, as long as there's one baseball T and a couple of hoodies, ok?"
The one-on-one date card was revealed and it's Brooks! (Exclamation mark emphasis is mine.)
Brooks looks like a high school cross country runner.
Cut to Des at her pad. Oh, she's drawing! Because she's a designer. So. If I was on this show, they would show me staring at a blank Word document all day?
Des leaves the house hopeful, but she also leaves in an Old Navy tank top and a pair of tall boots.
"I love you guys in your normal clothes." -- Des, to the boyz
What she really meant was, "DID AMERICAN APPAREL HAVE A GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE?"
All of the boyz are really impressed with Desiree's ride and no one seems to care that it's like, sea foam blue-green.
Brooks tells Des that she has a "good presence about her." Which, could also mean, "YOU ARE KIND OF BORING, but pretty, so. Okay!"
IN THE ULTIMATE TWIST OF STUPIDITY AND WHAT THE HELL: Des takes Brooks to a bridal shop to try on dresses and tuxedos. Des keeps saying how great it was that Brooks was playing along and what not, but I'm like-- whatz he going to do, flip his shit and be all, "WEDDING DRESSES, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." No. Obviously no. This is a game, gUrl. Baby boy has to play along.
Brooks says that the day has been full of so many surprises. The only surprise being some crazy ass chick took you to a bridal shop on your first date, bro.
Des takes Brooks up to the Hollywood sign and they get to actually sit on the sign and have a picnic. Kind of cool. Kind of terrifying. Kind of a lot of Target pillows.
I'd like to talk about baby gUrl's shoes. I mean, I'm not a shoe person by any means, but I'm pretty sure she had on some dirrty Skechers. If they weren't dirrty, then I'd like to know why she bought a pair of BROWN tennis shoes. Woof.
Des goes on some diatribe about what the Hollywood signs means to her. DreamsdreamsdreamsLAdrawingdreamsBORED.
Brooks seems to be wearing his high school cross country state championship ring.
"When he falls in love, he falls in love. And that's such a great quality. That's the quality I'm looking for in a man." -- Des
Is that an actual quality??????????????????????????
Brooks compares their first kiss and impending love story as something that could be "as grand and idolized as this Hollywood sign." Like, shit, bro. Chillllllllllll for me, babe.
Oh, good! Itz not over yet. Des plays a super fun prank on Brooks and drives him through a "shady area" and then moves a "road closed" sign to turn down a street. LIKE, YEAH RIGHT, THAT WOULD HAPPEN OUTSIDE OF A REALITY TV SHOW, YOU IDIOT BOY. His mind is like a sixth grade gUrl's. (My apologies to any and all smart sixth grade gUrls.)
The bridge is set up for dinner and there's not a pillow left at the nearest Home Goods.
Brooks tells Des, "there's still so much I need to know about you." OY. This guy!
Des goes on some soliloquy about her parents.
"My parents have been together for 40 years...my dad has my mom's back no matter what." --Des
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. When did this become a thing? Like. That's not a thing. My parents just celebrated 35 years of marriage. They've definitely had their ups-and-downs and all of that, but I've never heard them fight and scream, "I just wish for once you had my back!" This isn't a street gang. You don't get married so someone "has your back." You get married for the joint checking account.
Brooks comes from a broken home and he cried.
Brooks gets a rose. BUT, THE DATE ISN'T OVER. NO, THERE'S MORE. THERE'S A BAND.
This is always the saddest part of the show for me, because I know some musician somewhere is at the point of his career where his manager has said, "This could be that push we've been looking for since that time you played Island Party at Arizona State in 2004." Unlike a band that shows up on a WB show, I've rarely seen any of these bands go big after this show. (Save Eli Young Band? I think they were on a few years ago. And maybe Luke Bryan?)
CUE TERRIBLE WHITE PEOPLE DANCING. It's like no one else in the world was at that frat party! (He wan't that bad, but man. She was bad.)
"Can it get any better than this?" -- Des
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One guy in pink pants, one guy in pink shorts, 11 guys in some kind of v-neck shirt, one henley, one off-brand polo and one button-down.
Des tells the guys they are going to be "starring" in their own rap video. And to help them do this?! SOULJA BOY (tell 'em).
SAD DAY FOR SOULJA BOY.
Soulja has each boy rap for him.
MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2013: THE DAY RAP MUSIC DIED.
Soulja picks out four boyz to be the rappers and everyone else is a back-up dancer. There's even a choreographer.
EVERYTHING IS REALLY SAD, YOU GUYZ.
One guy isn't wearing pants and everyone else is wearing weird clothes, too. AND THEN THE SUPER SILLY PLOT IS REVEALED.
All the lyrics to the song are things former Bachelorette contestants have said to other Bachelorettes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!! SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried not to be disturbed that all of these dudes recognized these phrases as past Bachelorette contestant phrases, but I did think it was really weird that the #guy knew a first and last name of a contestant. TAKE A STEP BACK, BRO.
Ben is up first and he's supposed to be Wes, from Austin, the villain! All of the boyz are heckling Ben and it's annoying. NOT AS ANNOYING AS THOSE COWBOY HATS, but annoying.
"It's nice to see that looks and personality can combine." -- Des
Baby gUrl, you deserve better than this. I don't know who hurt you or told you that you don't, but you do!
"It's nice to have Soulja Boy here to guide everything that's going on." -- Des
BUT, LIKE. WHAT IS GOING ON?
You're killing off an entire genre of music.
That one guy doesn't have any pants on and everyone seems pretty disturbed by it. I'm just as disturbed by the giant pillow that was made from a Polar Bear's fur.
No-pants-guy is pretty bad at rapping.
It's almost over, but then no. Des has to rap, too. : (
Then, they danced. : (
GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If baby gUrl says, "right reasons" one more time I'm going to throw a puppy.
Zak W. gets the first portion of alone time with Des and he brings her an "antique" journal wrapped in a styrofoam package. It's kind of a cool gift, but he could've bought a regular journal, too.
Also, why didn't Cara ever write in that journal? The words didn't flow from her pen OR the emotions of her heart. WHAT IF CARA DIED BEFORE SHE COULD EVER WRITE IN THE JOURNAL? WHAT IF CARA DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE? : (
"Love is like a butterfly." -- Brandon
Love is like a lot of things. Love is not like a butterfly.
Ben tells us he's old-fashioned and he's the guy who goes after the gUrl. He's also old-fashioned in the sense that he has a child with his "best friend" back at home. THAT'S A SITUATION I REALLY WANT TO GET MYSELF INVOLVED IN.
Ben swoops in and steals Des from Mikey T.
This cements Ben's role as villain.
All of the dudes are acting like baby gUrls.
"Right reasons" count: 376
I don't think Ben has a shirt on underneath his quarter-zip sweater, but that doesn't deter him from kissing Des. This, basically public kiss, leads us to the first breakdown of the season from Brandon. He's in deep and can't handle his feelings or her kissing another man.
Baby boy better lace 'em up tight.
(WIFE SWAP BETWEEN JOAN RIVERS AND BRISTOL PALIN? YES, PLZ!!!!!!)
Michael G. is here for the right reasons. Like, THANK THE GOOD LORD FOR THAT. Michael G. cares about women and respecting them. Especially his Nana. He also wants Des to know that he's got her back.
Quick summation: Michael G. is here for the RIGHT REASONS and he HAS HER BACK.
All the group date boyz are talking about Ben. Mikey T. decides to talk one-on-one with him. I hope Ben addresses all the patterns Mikey T. has going on tonight, too.
Mikey T. wants to feel like he's frandz with Ben!!!!!!! What a sweetie! Ben likes Mikey's shoes.
Confirmed: Ben does not have a shirt on underneath that quarter-zip.
Brandon sits down and lists all of the non-awesome things about himself and then he says, "I was born and I had a mom and a dad."
OY. This is going to be a long story.
Something about truancy and wanting kids and a great life?
"I want to come home to you and I just want to love you." -- Brandon
Where do you think he got that blazer from? But, for real. Where?
BEN GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!
HEADZ ARE SPINNING!!!!!!!!!!
Then they "rapped" us out before a commercial break.
I can't. I just.
It's time for Bryden's one-on-one date and I'm already yawning.
Des called the group date, "like, the best time of my life." Again. gUrl, I don't know who hurt you, but YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.
Des is taking Bryden on a "road trip." She says "road trip" A LOT.
I think Bryden borrowed that shirt from someone. First off, there's no way there's an American Apparel in Montana. Second, just no. He seems real uncomfortable.
"California embodies everything that I am...there are so many opportunities to explore." -- Des
I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS, PLZ.
Des takes Bry-Bry to a beach since, "he's like, never even been to California." Way to put him on blast, G!
They make a stop at a place called Neptune's Net, which was a place JUSTIN BOBBY TOOK AUDRINA ON 'THE HILLS' ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They end up in an orange grove and they do some sprints.
And then they make their way to Ojai!
I never know if the background music is supposed to be sexy or sad. Sexy or sad?! SEXY. or. SAD?
It usually makes me sad.
BORED. I AM SO BORED.
THAT WAS LITERALLY 9 MINUTES OF NOTHING.
Bryden is the perfection combination of attractive and not attractive.
The tiniest amount of mousse would do wonders for ol' boy.
"You show who are you if you're having a good time." -- Bry-Bry
Bryden tells Des about a car accident he was in during college AND THEN HE PULLS OUT PHOTOS OF THE WRECK. (WHO CARRIES THOSE AROUND?)
Like, he was like, "I hope I can talk about this wreck I was in. Oh! I should bring these photos, too!"
Bryden keeps talking about having fun and making the most out of life and every day and having fun and I'm just like... you are the least amount of fun ever. (I mean, being nice does amount to being a shit ton of fun.) I have watched infomercials on blenders that have captivated me more than these two together. I have read essays about seat belts that are more engaging and enjoyable.
Bryden gets the rose.
And they take that rose straight to the hot tub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next few minutes are the most awkward in television history. Can't. I just.
FINALLY, FINALLY, Des says, "Just kiss me already."
Normally, I wouldn't be a huge advocate of that, but something had to happen. They needed to kiss or one of them needed to drown because the montage of Bryden saying, "yeah, this was awesome and fun," HAD TO END.
ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need Mikey to not have this much time on my television. He has to be a 'Jersey Shore' cast reject. Right?
Michael G. has a crush on Des, so he really wants to get some things off of his chest.
HE HAS DIABETES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Y'all Diabetes is serious. It's debilitating, eventually you could die from complications. BUT, ALSO... you cannot do this, Michael G. STOP TALKING ABOUT BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS.
Ben swoops in about the time Michael is explaining what types of cookies he can and cannot eat and how he has to buy sugar free candy and how that makes him different and ready for love.
The boyz are mad.
Ben is laying it on real thick.
Michael G. is upset, he really needs to discuss what would need to happen if his blood sugar gets too high and she needs to take care of him.
ALL OF THE BOYZ CONFRONT BEN.
Ben, you cannot interrupt someone when they are explaining the difference between Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes. You just can't. What if Des thought Michael G. had the type of diabetes that comes from eating a shit ton of butter? That's not something to mess with, bro!
Ben says he did for "me and Des."
Michael G. pulls Ben aside and "calls him out" on his actions. Michael G. keeps saying he doesn't care if Ben is his frand or not, but BRO, you gotta know what to do in case he needs a glass of orange juice during a blood sugar situation!
Now, the boyz are mad that Ben hasn't been talking about his son, but he has been talking about his bar and nutrition shop. Seems like a weird business model. You own a bar and a nutrition shop? What's less nutritious than a bar?
WHO IS BRIAN? WHY DID HE PICK HER UP? HE IS STRAINING, YOU CAN TELL BY HIS VOICE.
Brian tells his most recent relationship story, which begins the most vague story in the history of ever.
"Things changed." -- Brian
WHAT IS THIS CONVERSATION? No one is even saying anything. It's like hearing someone read 167 Facebook statuses in a row.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did she just say that in Spanish? Was that even Spanish?
I think I'm offended? You know who else is offended? Mrs. Binns, my 11th grade Spanish teacher, that once told someone she was surprised I made it to college. (Note: I made an 'A' in her class and was in Spanish Honor Society. Not sure why she was so surprised. Also, it's Arkansas, not like it's that hard to get into a college.)
Final rose!!!!!!!!!!!! When you're ready!!!!!!!
Brandon gets the final rose, delaying his Dateline premiere by at least 4 days!
Will was super excited about having a relationship with Des, but it just didn't work out. You know what else isn't working out? THAT UGLY GREEN SHIRT.
Robert didn't see this coming, especially because he came out here for the right reasons.
"This is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare." -- Robert
Nick is also shocked. I am shocked that I've never even seen him before. He seems the most upset about this "break-up." He's definitely the dude from high school trolling his high school crush's FB page to see if she's divorced yet or not. : (
NEXT WEEK: TANK TOPS, AMBULANCE AND A gUrlfrand?
Oh. The full music video.
I've never been so sad. Like, sad.