the bachelor :: guest blog : matt rees goes HAM.

Every once in a while you have a friend come into town to visit. Sometimes that friend actually comes to attend a Crimmas party being thrown by her boy friends from high school and she's only coming into town to drag you to said party. 

That's how I met Matt Rees. This story would be more entertaining and uncomfortable if I said that I went to the party, had a few drAnks, locked eyes with Matt and fell in love. It was more like, had a few drAnks, became Facebook friends with Matt, ran into him every few months here and there and occasionally exchanged e-mails and text messages. 

Matt and I have a lot in common. He's a writer and he likes to observe the obvious. We often observe the obvious in a few people we mutually know. So, one day when I saw Matt tweeted something about the Bachelor, I texted him and asked if he was watching. I was surprised to learn that he was! He claims (as you'll read below) that he's somehow connected to BachSean. But living in Dallas, I am, too. I offered him up the option of writing a guest blog because I knew he wouldn't turn me down after I mentioned one of his heroes, Ben Rector, has written for me in the past. 

Anyway, gUrls, Matt is a good dude. When he's not observing the obvious he's a beat poet and aspiring Goldendoodle breeder (he's got the Golden Retriever, still needs the Poodle). He also moonlights as a Bill Self impersonator during the off-season. 

To my knowledge, he's single, ready to mingle, no longer wears his puka shell necklace he got from his college sweetheart after his fraternity's initiation weekend and has a mostly reliable mode of transportation. 

If you want to get to know Matt and talk about v-neck t-shirts, contact me. Please don't stalk him. 

Here's what Matt had to say about his experience with the Bachelor.

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I can’t begin to tell you how uncomfortable I am right now.

I’m blogging - and not only am I blogging, but I’m blogging about The Bachelor.

When LC first threw out the offer to guest blog for this season, I was naturally extremely hesitant.  Though I don’t know to date what the repercussions will be from my friends once this hits the Internet, I felt it socially acceptable because of two guys that blazed the trail for me:

1. My old friend Ben Rector. If he can write about The Bachelor, than I think I can too. Everything that guy touches turns to gold. See you in Norman or Tulsa soon Ben.
2. Bill Simmons. When he occasionally takes a break from talking about Boston sports he tends to throw a couple of tweets in here and there about one of the contestants.  A majority of the guys that I know would rather be in a civil union with “The Sports Guy” than be married to the woman of their respective dreams. Though I do not fall into this category, I did enjoy all 697 pages of The Book of Basketball.

How’s that for Self-Justification?

How I got here

Prior to this season, I had not watched one minute of The Bachelor.  Though no stranger to trashy, relationship driven reality T.V. –When VH1 wisens up and decides to sell the box set of Tool Academy I’ll be throwing elbows to be first in line – This was a show that I just couldn’t stomach. That all changed this January. I was watching the National Championship game at my friend’s house when all of the sudden all of the wives/girlfriends ran to a different room. Needless to say, I quickly found out what they were all running to. What I didn’t expect was to find out that night from the host of the party was that Sean is “inner circle” friends with a friend of ours from college that had moved to Dallas. (This fact was later confirmed when I found out said friend was one of the 85 people that Sean follows on twitter) Shortly after finding out that I only had one degree separating me from a guy on reality T.V., the wives/girlfriends emerged from the backroom laughing and saying “Can you believe she came out of the limo in a wedding dress???” Sold. Interest piqued. As a good Calvinist, I have to say that I did not choose Season 17 of the Bachelor, but Season 17 of the Bachelor chose me. Enough Theology…

After I watched the first episode I knew I was going to have to clear my schedule on Mondays from 7-9 for the next couple of months. The show spoke to my inner psychology major self. I’m still amazed how every person on this show got to a point in life where this seemed like a good idea. I feel like The Bachelor is the T.V. version of Meth. Let’s make it clear that I have never tried, or even seen, Meth. (I know this may be hard to believe me being from Oklahoma) Hear me out- I feel this way because every episode is a mixture of terrible, terrible things that we all take in, but for some reason we all keep coming back week after week. Luckily for us this addiction doesn’t cause tooth decay. Decay of the soul is yet to be determined.

Now my initial thought was to write how I would be extremely surprised if the combined IQ of everyone involved with the show hit triple digits. I decided against this approach. As Chuck Klosterman says in his Book Eating the Dinosaur, picking out something obviously stupid and reiterating how stupid it is is not only easy, but often the lowest form of criticism. With that being said for my first (and quite possibly last) blog post I will try my hardest to stay away from that, even it cuts down on my overall thoughts by 90%.

Tierra(ist)

I haven’t hated a T.V. character as much as I hate Tierra since J.D. McCoy’s dad in seasons 3 & 4 of Friday Night Lights, and as a guy who would take an actual bullet for a fictional character in Coach Taylor, that’s a lot of emotion. I said the same on Twitter this past Monday and got an interesting response from a friend…

“When is the last time you watched the bachelor??? She’s nothing!”

To answer the question – never. If this is true, I don’t think I can handle another season. Just too much.

As I continued watching Tierra’s demise leading up to her untimely dismissal this past Monday I couldn’t help but to think that she is the embodiment of the millennial generation  - which sadly I, and I’m guessing most of the people reading this, fall into. Now that she’s off the show, Tierra should move to Dallas where she would fit in perfectly. (sorry, had to) There is no doubt in my mind that when Tierra was a little girl taking 7^th (of 8) in her dance recitals her parents were the ones telling her that she was really THE BEST and that the judges were stupid and just didn’t see true talent.

On that topic, what parent in their right mind tells their 20-something daughter that she has a “sparkle?” Even worse, what 20-something tells a nationally televised audience that her parents told her she has a “sparkle?”

I grew very tiresome of hearing how this process was so unfair to her. Every other “gUrl” seemed to understand how this all worked, but she seemed to think she was above all of that. I’m sure she was 100% in with all those occupy wall street hippies that thought that minimum wage should be raised to $20/hr without thinking of the basic economic consequences that would come with that.  It’s just not fair that some people make more money that me – I deserve just as much as they do!!! I can’t talk about her anymore- I weep for our future.

Final Four

Now IF I was a degenerate gambler and often thought of most things in terms of Vegas betting odds, here is how I think the odds would be set for the winner of the show in the LV:

Desiree:         -220   

Lindsay:          6/1

AshLee:          12/1

Catherine:     25/1

Now if this looks like a foreign language to what I presume to be a heavy female audience, ask your boyfriend to explain it. If he can’t explain it…well, break up with him. Time for a real man.

I have to think that Desiree is the heavy favorite with the final two coming down between Desiree and Lindsay. However, the “value” play here would be AshLee considering a $100 bet would pay $1200.  

Disclaimer: Gambling is bad. Supposedly.

Closing, Random thoughts

My far and away favorite was Lesley, even though her move to go back and kiss Sean since she didn’t 15 minutes earlier was one of the most uncomfortable scenes I’ve seen in a long time. My whole body tensed up and I almost had to get in a fetal position.

In my mind calling yourself a substitute teacher is a nicer way of calling yourself unemployed.

Robyn’s disastrous gymnastics routine is the most underrated moment of the season. 

I bet Sean’s favorite movie is Braveheart, favorite book is Wild at Heart by John Eldridge and favorite band use to be The Fray, but now it’s Mumford & Sons.

Chris Harrison has the life. His job of playing Bachelor facilitator/amateur psychologist just jumped into my top 3 dream jobs with a NBA GM and Lifechurch.tv campus pastor. When Chris decides to retire I would like to start a viral campaign for him to pass the job from one OKC guy to another, that of course being myself. I think my below average social skills would translate well on the small screen.

Thanks again to LC for letting me to do this, I strangely enjoyed it.