Friday, October 26, 2012

still hoopin.

A few weekends ago I attended my 10-year high school reunion. It was one of those events that I was looking forward to and could've done without all at the same time.

I had some conversations with people that I haven't even seen in 10 years and one guy that I don't really remember talking to in high school offered to buy me several tequila shots. I declined.

At one point in the evening a guy walked up to me and said, "Hey, Lauren! You still hoopin'?" as he acted like he was shooting a basketball.

It was with that one (ridiculous) question that I realized nothing has changed and everything has changed. Nothing has changed in the sense that it was completely normal for this guy to ask me that question and then, everything has changed because I haven't picked up a basketball in years. And basketball was my entire reason for being alive during my growing-up years. How could something so important, so life-giving become so meaningless to me?

Also, did this guy really think I was still playing? Where? The WNBA? He really wants that life for me? Oh, the humanity.

I honestly can't remember if 10 years ago I thought I would be still be playing basketball. I doubt I did. But, I know I thought I would've appeared on MTV's "The Real World" by now.

Some dreams never die.
Some things never change.


But, thank the good Lord some dreams do die and some things do change.
What if I still had this haircut?

God Bless us, everyone.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

debate questions.

Lord knows I love a good presidential debate. But, the debate questions are stupid and they rarely even get answered. It's all bullshit and rhetoric.

If I could moderate the debate we would play by a different set of rules, outlined by me.

First off, you have to answer the answer the question. No matter what. You get one pass. Just one for the entire debate.

Second, you would have to wear something like a shock collar around your wrist. If you start interrupting too much, I will shock you. This is America. We are civilized. Act like it.

Third, if you state "facts" you must cite your sources.

Fourth, you must go by the name that your parents call you during the debate.
(For example, I would go by, "LN," rather than Governor Cowling or whatever.) This makes things more personal.

Fifth, for every 6 lies that you tell a puppy is either sent to your home to live forever or sent to the streets.


So, with the rules out of the way, here are some of the questions I would like to ask:
(In no particular order.)

Explain the deficit to this group of 5th graders. 

Do you drive an American car? What's the gas mileage on it? Did you buy your American car because Dr. Dre and Emimen are in commercials for them?

Are you friends with Jay-Z? What do you think Jay-Z can do to help you be a better president?

Do you know any gay people who have served in the military AND have had an abortion? 

How often do you really go to church? 

Do you watch "Homeland"? Isn't it absurd that the VP is such a power player? 

What's your favorite domestic beer?

Who is your favorite president, why?

What do you mean when you say, "middle class?"

If Warren Buffet wants to pay more taxes, can't you just ask him to make a donation?

Can you describe yourself in three words?

Is there a law that you can try to pass, so people, under the law, can't get away with singing their own arrangement of the Star Spangled Banner?

Can you, delicately, explain to the American public that you, as president, don't really have much to do with gas prices?

Can you please cut about 1/3 of government spending and pour it all into public education as an experiment for your whole first term in office and just see how it turns out? 



If I could just get some of those questions answered I'd feel a little better about this whole election thing. Until then.

This is America.
Bless it.





Friday, October 12, 2012

veep (veep).

I love the internetS. 
Like, I love the Lord, I love my family and friends, and I love the internetS. 

But, also-- I hate the internetS, as it's given every moron with a computer or phone a chance to be relevant, or the illusion of relevancy. I'm not sure which is worse. 

In an odd way, the internetS is somewhat comprable to the role of Vice President. The position can make one seem relevant, when in reality they are not. Sure, sure if POTUS goes down or there's a tie to be broken in a Senate vote they immediately become relevant. 

Nine times the Veep has taken over for POTUS after death and 244 tie-breaking votes have been cast since 1789. Meaning, barely two tie-breaking votes happen in a year, but mostly they never happen. And POTUS hasn't died while in office lately. Meaning, the Veep is the easiest job in the world. 

You're powerful, but not really. 
You're important, but don't have to make many hard decisions. 

You're visible, but no one could pick your kids out of a lineup. 
You're busy, but you get plenty of sleep at night. 

I bet the Veep sleeps more than I do and he flies private. 
BEST JOB IN THE WORLD. 

I digress. 

Last night's train wreck of a debate between Veep Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan was nothing short of SAD. These two guys were up there arguing about foreign policy like two high school kids at Model UN. But, seriously. They giggled and interrupted and belittled one another-- over nothing!

Basically, they were debating over the chance to be in the background of a shit ton of photos and the opportunity to sit next to the Speaker of the House during the State of the Union address. 

All of that to say, no one votes for the bottom of the ticket. 

Be informed, people!

"The most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived." -- John Adams, on the office of the Vice President

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