Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the bachelorette:: emily: epi 3.

Emily’s back and the only thing keeping me here this week is the promise of a Dolly Parton appearance. 


-----
We open up with Emily’s mom bringing her breakfast in bed. Lil’ Ricki is standing outside the door doing what looks to be a shitty version of a rhythmic gymnastics routine. Then, Emily claims (about Ricki), "she's having fun, I think." I don't know if she's referring to the routine happening outside of her door or the overall experience. I think she's wrong on both accounts. 
We find out that Chris gets the one-on-one date. Chris is “grateful.” Do you think he knows what that word means?
Emily is laying it on thick at the beginning of the date. Say what you will (and I will), but baby gUrl got some game. And she spits it. 
“I’m nervous, cause you’re so cute!” --Emily, to Chris
I feel like “so cute” is a little much at this point. 
In a really silly turn of events Emily tells Chris he has to climb up a building and work for his dinner. He compares it to love. Typical. No one on this show has ever made that parallel before. Climbing a wall is like love. Talk about eye-opening!
It starts thundering while they are climbing up the building and a random observer yelled, “We love you, Emily!” The fact that she said, “we” leads me to believe she was speaking for more than herself, but that seems a little bold. Speak for yourself, random observer!
They make it up the building and it wasn't a big deal at all. They start dinner and have a weird convo about being in bars and approaching each other. I wouldn't approach either one of them in a bar. I'm actually going to say the chances of me ever even being in the same bar as either one of them is very slim. 

WHY DOES EMILY LOOK SO BORED?

Emily freaks her own freak when she realizes Chris is “only” 25. I knew he was 25 and I don’t even pay attention most of the time.  
Chris gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s speechless. I wish all of these people were speechless. 
She takes him to a concert in the middle of a street. Something was going BOOM BOOM and Emily looked really bored while dancing. But, then they started kissing and she grabbed his ass. I have to think she was no longer bored. 

"I'm a little drunk on you and high on summertime." -- Country song lyrics
----
We are headed to the park where some of the boyZ  are meeting up with Em. In a surprise twist she brought some frands!!!! Her frands are going to ask the boyZ some crazy hard questions and see who is right for Emily and who isn't!!!!!!

“She left all of us playing sports.” --Wolf, as Emily went to find her frands
That is a sentence my frands say when making fun of people who are interested in sports. 
I’ve never seen shorts shorter than the shorts Emily has on. 

What's most interesting about Emily's frands is that they are all at least 10 years older AND are totally drinking wine out of of those styrofoam coffee cups in the park. Can't fool me. 

Everyone is freaking out and being way dramatic about meeting the boyZ. 
In turn, the boyZ are being even more dramatic. We have cuss words, cargo shorts and the phrase "train wreck." 

It's funny to hear people on the show describe the show as a train wreck, because HELLO. It is a train wreck. 

"If this all works out these would become your frands, too." --Emily, to the boyZ
NOW, there's a deal!

We start off with Tony and the gUrls ask him what he has in common with Emily. He answers with, "Just taking my son to school and taking him to activities." I have to believe he didn't hear the question.  They don't have that in common because Emily has never taken Tony's son to school. 

In the beginning everyone loves the question, "So, are you ready to be a dad?" Some of their answers were vague and some seemed sincere. I can't fault them. I don't know how I'd answer that question either. I mean, I'm probably not ready to be a dad either.

We get a fun little montage of people dancing and I had no idea you could move in cargo shorts the way some of these fellas are moving. One guy, I think Tony, had on cargo shorts and a wife beater. Re-read that sentence. CARGO SHORTS AND A WIFE BEATER. Is he going to the river to play basketball or is he on a date, meeting his girlfriend's frands?

Sean sits down and he mentions for the first time on the night that his dad is perfect and in turn, he's ready to be a perfect/great dad. 

It's also at this point that the wine hits Wendy. Lock it up, Wendy!!!!!!!!!!! : (

Out of nowhere about 27 kids come rolling into the park and I have to ask, "WHAT?"

Who are these kids? Where are their parents? This doesn't seem safe. 

I just let my kid go on a reality tv show to play with a bunch of dudes in a park. SAFE.

David leaves the kids to talk to Emily and her frands. He tells Emily she can't get fat. He phrases it almost exactly like that. 

What are the odds of her getting fat soon? 

AFTER PARTY!!!!!!!!!

Sean sits down with Emily and tells her he's not ready to settle AND that his dad is perfect, so he'll be perfect, too. That's usually how that works. 

"There's a lot more to me than just being a mom." --Emily, to Doug
FORESHADOWING. 

Doug tells his story and it's a pretty sad story. I mean, he referred to his mom as, "some lady." That's sad. But, Emily starts crying so he quits telling the story. I have no idea how it turned out!!!! Like, what happened in the last 20 years, Doug?!?!?!?!

The Tony story line has to be mentioned, but it's kind of lame to me. He misses his son, he calls his son, he cries, he cries to Emily, he goes home. 

SEAN GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, they all toast some white zinfandel. 
WHAT A FUN PARTY. 

----

It's time for Ari's one-on-one date. They head to DOLLYWOOD. 

DOLLYWOOD. 
I'm so into Dollywood. 

They have a really sweet day and Ari seems genuinely confused about the fact that Dolly Parton has a theme park. 

The two head into the concert hall and then, it happens. The curtain is pulled back and there she is!!!!! DOLLY PARTON is on my tv!!!!!!!!!

For the next 5 minutes I take back all of the things I've thought about Emily because she was genuinely excited. She was so surprised and overwhelmed. I loved every second of it. 

I also love Dolly Parton more than I should. 
I may or may not be a member of her fan club. 
Like, sometimes I get e-mails from, "Dolly Parton."
Kind of like how Barack Obama e-mails people. 

"Surprise! Fancy seeing me at Dollywood." --Dolly Parton

Dolly finishes up her jam session and wants to have a little talk with Emily. She encourages her and says nice things, then she sings another little diddy. I'd be shocked if we don't hear more of this song over the rest of the season. 

I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M NOT MAD AT DOLLY PARTON RIGHT NOW.

It's finally dinner time and Ari launches into a story about dating a gUrl with two kids. He says he misses the kids more than her. He also took the kids to school a lot. OH YEAH. THEY LIVED TOGETHER. Hey ex-gUrlfriend of Ari, WHAT? 

WHY DOES EMILY LOOK SO BORED?

Emily picks up the rose and tricks Ari into thinking she wasn't going to give him the rose!!!!!!!!!! Fooled me. PSYCH. Oh, bless her heart for trying to be silly. The producers probably made her do that. And it was a struggle. For all of us involved. 

-----

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ricki picks out perfume for Emily to wear. She chooses the one that, "smells like Mindy's house." I hope I never go to Mindy's house.

She begins the party by talking to Kalon. Kalon looks way overdone tonight-- glasses, pocket square, slicked back hair, socks without loafers. He's pulling out all of the stops for her. 

Kalon says some weird stuff about bringing Ricki into his life.

"It's not how I wrote it up in my journal as a kid." -- Kalon, about having kids
YOU HAD A JOURNAL AS A KID AND WROTE ABOUT THAT?

"I love when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish." --Kalon, to Emily
OH. NO. YOU. DIDN'T. 

Emily handled that well, but you could tell she wanted slap that bitch in the face. 

That guy took that egg outside and Emily threw it all of two feet and it broke. I'm still not understanding what that thing was all about, but whatever. It even had a name? I was really into the guys "pouring one out" for the egg. The egg named Shelly. 

So, Alessandro. Where to start? 

Let's start with his face and hair. He spends some time tanning. I mean, he has to. I know he's Brazilian, but he currently resides in Minnesota and they started filming in early spring. And his hair? Look at this shit show mop on his head. Listen, I grew up in a small town in Arkansas and I didn't know one dude with hair that bad. It's real bad. He's an adult! With a job! He has to work as a male stripper. That's all that makes sense at this point. The hair and the tanning? Has to be one, right? Has to be. 




I do need to say: Emily is a bit of an interrupter. I noticed it last week and I'm noticing it again tonight. Maybe Kalon was on to something. 

Back to the matter at hand. THE WORD 'COMPROMISE'. 

This whole thing was weird. He said becoming a husband and a father was a compromise. And Emily tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and even looked into it being a language barrier thing, but he just kept on saying compromise. Then, he got crazy eyes. 






Look at those eyes. This is NOT someone you want to be making any compromises with, especially if children are involved.

"I want you to see this as the biggest bonus ever." --Emily, about Ricki
"No, I don't see it that way."

Like. BOLD. 

He was so confused as to why she was offended. DUDE. You told her you were willing to "compromise" your male stripper lifestyle to help her raise her daughter and be the "chief" of the family. I WAS OFFENDED. And I don't even care! 

She escorted him out immediately. 
The Gypsy King has left the building. 

At this point in the evening Emily switched from white wine to liquor. 
I know that's right, baby gUrl. I know that's right.

Ari came to her rescue and eventually they made out. Other boyZ saw them make out. 

Then, Sean told Emily, AGAIN, that he's ready to be the perfect dad. PERFECT
Like, way to have realistic expectations. 

I think, hands down, I have the most wonderful dad in the world. He's my best friend and I'm so thankful for him. BUT. Sorry, Dad, you aren't perfect. PERFECT?! Surely this was a language barrier thing and he doesn't actually know what that word means?

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kalon gets a rose and the guy that I have never seen before gets a rose over the Beat Boy. You know why? The Beat Boy had on plaid cargo shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt at the park. That's just not going to cut it, Beat Boy. No way. He also has facial hair that couldn't live up to most youth ministers' idea of good facial hair. 

Ryan got weird and it looked like his v-neck shirt was shrinking before our eyes. Looks like ole boy is going to go all Hulk on these people soon.


----

It's really such a compromise for me to watch this every week. Oy vey. 





















Friday, May 25, 2012

not worried.

Sometimes, I worry that I'm getting too far away from my roots.
Sometimes, I fear that I'll go home and my parents won't recognize the person I've become.

Dallas is a weird place to live.
It does weird things to your psyche.

However, when I look at the following pictures of myself as a young child and realize I'm still wearing the same outfits 20+ years later I'm no longer worried about being unrecognizable. I'm worried about the fact that I still wear loafers, I own a pair of suspenders, multiple Polo shirts (I ditched the Lacoste long ago) and several pairs of fake glasses.

Life is hard sometimes.




Tuesday, May 22, 2012

the bachelorette:: emily: epi 2.

It's time for the 19 remaining contestants to move into a Charlotte mansion and compete for Emily's heart and Lil Ricki's inheritance. That's word-for-word what the info on my cable box said. Mostly.

-----

Emily begins the epi meeting up with her gUrls for some gUrl talk. Lil' Ricki fails miserably at her cartwheel attempts. Also, they found the one non-working, non-white woman in Charlotte to sit at the table and act interested in Emily's plight. Unfortunately, she did a terrible job of actually acting interested.

SO NOT INTO IT.


In the meantime, Chrissy Poo meets up with the boyZ to explain the rules of the game to them.

Ryan gets the one-on-one date and in less than two minutes of screen time we see him wear two see-through (sheer) t-shirts. While Ryan and Emily leave the other boyZ are getting some much needed pool time. I caught more than one dude checking out his pecks in the North Carolina sun.

Emily has, basically, a super shitty date planned for Ryan. He is asked to carry in her groceries and then in a classic emasculating move she makes him put on a super gUrly, super flowery apron. HE LOVES IT. Just eats it up.

"This is exactly what life could be like." --Ryan, while spending the afternoon baking in a woman's apron
Yes, Ryan, you won't work, she won't work. You'll just bake all day, e'erday. 


Emily takes the cookies to Ricki's soccer practice and makes Ryan wait in the car. So, instead of introducing him to Ricki too soon she makes him look like a child molester sitting in a car across from a park full of children playing. His odd smile and gaze didn't help his cause. : (

I know Ryan's haircut is probably considered stylish, but I don't think it's stylish for a 34-year-old super Southern dude. Just comb the back of that shit down, son.

Ryan and Emily get all gussied up for their nighttime date and now, Emily is driving a Bentley. Classic.

Ryan is color-blind because he keeps calling her plum dress red. Actually, that could be a deep mauve.

"Emily's a hometown hero to these people." --Emily
WE GOTTA GET SOME NEW PEOPLE TO MOVE TO CHARLOTTE. 
I actually looked up "notable" people from Charlotte and the most recognizable names were K-Ci & JoJo and Skeet Ulrich. : (


Ryan and Emily move on to a convo about chasing gUrls and something about a competition. I know where she was going, she just took a bass ackwards way of getting there. Meaning: she sounded kind of like an idiot.

"I don't want to be a prize." --Emily
So... yeah. Not going to touch it. 


RYAN GETS THE ROSE.

Then, the two have the most awkward first dance in television history. Seriously. It was B-A-D. That's her favorite band? I don't believe that. I'd like to place bets on whether or not Emily knows how to use iTunes.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME.

Emily meets up with 13 boyZ at a theater and then, SURPRISE! Here come the Muppets!
Emily, the Muppets and the boyZ are putting on a variety show. As if variety shows aren't typically bad enough, right? I'm confident my tap dance performance to Marty Stuart's "Hillbilly Rock" in the 1991 First United Methodist Church talent show, WITH MY MOTHER, was more entertaining than this.

"Growing up, I lived off the Muppets." --Tony, Lumber Boy
Seems dramatic, Tony.

Honestly, this was weird. Like, ABC, we get it-- EMILY HAS A KID AND SHE LIVES IN CHARLOTTE.

At one point, Chris goes to tell Emily that he's nervous about performing because of his brain injury. Emily seems kind of weirded out by Chris visiting her dressing room. You know how I know? He walked in and said he wanted to hang out for a second and she said, "Oh, cool." OUCH.

That mess is finally over and it's AFTER-PARTY TIME.

DRANKS ALL-AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, the Chicago guy, is becoming obsessed. He wants that rose, needs that rose, has to get that rose. Gotta get that boomboompow!

In one of the best lines of Bachelor/ette history Emily sits Jef (ONE F) down and says, "This is what I thought all day, 'where the hell is Jef? Does Jef speak English?'" BABY GURL WANTS A PIECE OF JEF. I mean, she wants some of that. Jef seems genuinely flattered and confused by the attention. Kind of like how I'm confused by his name being spelled J-E-F.

The Beat Boy shares a dance with Emily and I wish she'd share some style tips with him.

Kalon interrupts the dance and looks like he walked straight out of a J. Crew ad from hell.

Emily uses the same line on Kalon that she used on Jef, but slightly altered. "I was worried, I was like, where's Kalon?" She's good. Real good.

The Beat Boy tells Kalon that he doesn't like him. I felt like I was in a middle school science class. He was drinking that wine like he was in a field somewhere watching a bonfire with a bunch of 17-year-old dudes. I mean, we've all been in that field, right? My high school graduation party was in that field.

Emily gives the rose to Jef. He was like, "SAY WHAT?" I can't figure this dude out. I mean, get some self-esteem and call me in the morning.

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME.

Clearly, Joe thought he was going somewhere different than Emily. Her outfit compared to his was sad and weird. He is too old to be wearing a shirt like that if he's not managing a band or working on his new Tumblr site.

Emily tells him they are going to her home state! West Virginia! If Virginia is for lovers, West Virginia is for poor people and people driving from Ohio to Pennsylvania.

Now, in a great move by ABC, they set these two up at the Greenbrier. They could have taken this show to a whole new level of cool had they shared a little of bit of this place's history, but no... they didn't do that. They referred to it as a, "hotel she used to hang out when she was younger with her family." Then, they jumped in the pool.

Promise me you'll google the Greenbrier after this. In the meantime, know this: The Greenbrier houses A secret Eisenhower-era underground bunker, designed to house members of Congress and their staffs during [and after] nuclear attack. ALL OF CONGRESS AND THEIR STAFFS. That's insane!


We head back to Charlotte where Kalon and the Seattle Dad have a weird confrontation about putting "being a dad on hold." Personally, I think Seattle Dad got a little dramatic and defensive. I can see why he would get defensive about someone questioning his devotion to his child, but to be fair: he jet-set across the country and left his kid with his sister, for maybe 6 weeks, to try to date a gUrl on national television.

Then, Seattle Dad said he put every dream he had on hold at age 20 to be a dad. I don't want to speak too soon, but it sounds like he knocked somebody up at 20. It doesn't sound like he wanted to be a dad at 20. Just saying.

We head back to West Virginia (that's the first time in my life I've ever said that!) and Emily is way over-dressed for dinner. She's mainly over-dressed because she's in West Virginia. You can't wear stuff like that there.

THEY KEEP CALLING IT A HOTEL. LIKE, PEOPLE. TWENTY-SIX PRESIDENTS HAVE BEEN HOSTED AT THAT 'HOTEL'. GET A CLUE. IT'S A NATIONAL LANDMARK.

Emily asks Joe where he sees himself in 5 years.

"I hope I see myself happy." --Joe
Is that a sentence?

You just hope you see yourself as happy?

Emily tries to dig a little deeper and gets nowhere. At this point, it's over. Emily sends Joe packing. Then, they make her watch the saddest ass firework show in the history of fireworks. It's hard to make a fireworks show sad, but somehow they did it.

-----

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME.

We get a minor glimpse of Emily's mom as she's getting dressed for the rose ceremony. There can't be a single ounce of blonde hair dye left in North Carolina.

Emily sits down with Arie and asks him questions about his life in Scottsdale and she interrupts him at least three times in the middle of it. Maybe seven times.

Arie, brilliantly, mentions that he dated a gUrl with kids once.

Ryan gets some time with Emily and everyone is pissed. Lumber Boy wants to interrupt their time, but he can't until Emily reads the note Ryan wrote Emily.

"Thank you for being you." --Ryan's note to Emily
VAGUE. 


Lumber Boy (Tony) has a moment when he talks about the Muppets with Emily. He uses that as a lead to discuss his son, Taylor and the fact that he left him at home to pursue her. I wish he would've left that sad tie at home, too.

Kalon sat alone on a bench and sulked.

Kalon says he's an old man trapped in a young man's body. Just looks like a tool bag to me trapped in a pretty nice suit. He then talked a lot about being mature. I've always thought if you have to tell people you're mature, just outright, you aren't that mature. Personal opinion.

Chrissy Poo shows up. I know I say this a lot, but he's wearing what is honestly the worst shirt-tie combo EVER. He looked like he was attending a surfer's funeral.

ROSE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Beat Boy got a rose over Cutie Biology Teacher Boy. The glasses aren't for everyone. Emily was engaged to a NASCAR driver, you really think she's digging the hipster glasses, son? No. She's into trashy. I mean, look at Beat Boy's excuse for facial hair. He looks like he works in the meat department of a local Wal-Mart.

The Teacher cried.

Kyle got cut. He was boring. Super monotone.

"I said, 'you know what? I'm going to go for it.' When you get your heart broken, it's the worst feeling in the world." -- Kyle, with NO EMOTION in his words or facial expressions
He sure didn't look like he was experiencing the worst feeling in the world. 


Emily lets the boyZ know that they will be in Charlotte for another week.

I can't decide if this is really good for Charlotte or really bad for Charlotte. I mean, if you're leaving Charlotte to visit West Virginia, it doesn't really say much for Charlotte. You know what I'm saying?

Anyway.
Long hair don't care.
It's over.

Until next week.








Thursday, May 17, 2012

oy vey: the news.

I used be super into current events and knowing anything and everything that was happening in the news. This behavior was not good for my psyche or my view on society as a whole. The news is weird and depressing. Check out the following headlines currently on CNN.com.



Quake shakes bricks off walls in Texas
Several bricks? 

White babies are new minority
What about white adults?

Flesh-eating bug victim's fingers 'dead'
New mom hit with flesh-eating bug  
I'm sorry, what? Is this the same bug?


'Terminator's' Nick Stahl missing
Who?

380 white-powder letters, 1 suspect
Someone is working overtime. 

Horse bolts into ocean, swims 2 miles
I think this is something I could get into. Horses that swim?! Cool.

Get a 2nd cup. Coffee lovers live longer
What about the red wine I'm supposed to be drinking?

4,700 asteroids threaten Earth
That seems like a lot. 

UFO seen over Denver?  
Probably not.

French PM's name causes Arab giggles

GIGGLES? And this is a real news source.

LIVE: Biden talks cars  
You mean our Vice President? Cars? Like, the movie?


Ticker: Rove blasted for 'B.S.'
Bullshit?


Howard Dean hit by car on live radio  
Did someone see this? Or just hear it?

Man agrees to shoot friend  
I'd shoot a friend. Wait. WHAT.


Fugitive penguin scales 13-foot wall
THIS IS NEWS.


LIVE: 'Spray tan' murder trial  
THIS IS NEWS.


How much more can Greece take?
I feel like Greece and I are both on our last leg. 


'Butcher' gets break. Mladic trial on hold
PTL!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sick boy uses robot to go to school  
Sounds right.


Man enough for 'Man Candles'?  
I hope not.





World, do better. 
Please. I'm begging. 



Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 1.

Oh, look who's back! It's Lil' Ricki and Barbie Emily.

We open up this season with some floating balloons and the decree, "Get all the sugar boogs out."
To be fair, Emily did say this while Lil' Ricki was exercising dental hygiene, but still...

Emily goes through her whole story about the plane crash and then some sexy-time music comes on and she talks about Lil' Ricki going to bed at 7:30, so she needs someone to love her.

I think this is probably the best way for this to happen.

We get to see Brad propose to Barbie Emily. And you'll remember-- SHE SAID YES.

Emily said coming back on the show is a "huge risk." THEN, she said being engaged is, "really special and should be saved for the person you're going to marry." WHAT A NOVEL IDEA. Copyright that.

Should we even mention the fact that she's dragging her six-year-old daughter into this festival of shit? Can you imagine what this kid thinks? She's going to be 14 and want to go to the movies with a boy and is going to expect a helicopter.

It should also be noted: they are in Charlotte, North Carolina. Surely you know why that makes me nervous! EMILY DOESN'T HAVE AN OCEAN TO STARE INTO FROM A BALCONY! How is she going to over-think any decisions without a balcony AND an ocean? I'm really worried.

-----

Finally, it's time to meet the boyZ.

Luxury brand consultant: He has a few dollars in his pocket. What luxury brands are in Houston?
Sports trainer for kids: Hello, Dateline.
Lumber trader: Trader? Does he barter furs, too? He's also a father. A father that takes his kid out into the cold rain and makes him open his mouth.

"Now, I'm just a single dad trying to find love." --Lumber Boy

Black guy with a tiny dog: Not into it. He's a big man with a TINY dog!
Singer/songwriter: His song for Emily was something I would make up if I was deaf and had never heard a song before.
Recruiter: WHAT/WHO DOES HE RECRUIT?

"I may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart." --Recruiter

Skateboarder: He's into bottled-water. And denim jackets.
Race Car Driver: COME ON, ABC. YOU SICK, SONS OF BITCHES.

-----

We get a glimpse of Lil' Rickie wearing some hooker heels and putting on make-up, so I feel really good about HUMANS in 2030. Also, how does Emily own that much make-up?

"You look like a princess." --Lil' Ricki, to Emily
Yeah, if by princess you mean just a gUrl wearing a nightie from Victoria's Secret.

-----

Emily meets up with Chrissy Poo Harrison and she tells him that she was scared to do this. I'm scared, too. Scared that people with children would do this and think this is a safe environment for them to meet people. Barbie says she doesn't want to talk about losing Ricky. I'M ALL FOR THAT.

Emily takes her spot to wait on the boyZ and she looks like a sad leftover pageant princess with a man for a fairy godmother.

HERE COME THE LIMOS.

She's met two boyZ and I'm getting a little bored. This is not good. We've got 13 weeks of this, gang.

That one guy came and got down on one knee and said that lame quote from the internetS about moments and breaths and I think to myself, "You had months to prepare and think about this and you got a quote off of a 14-year-old's MySpace page for your introduction?" OY VEY.

Chris is a corporate sales director.
So, Chris works at a hotel and sometimes people who work for corporations stay in his hotel.

Alessandro made his way from Brazil to Minneapolis? I'd love to hear more about how that happened. Had to have been an accident, right?

What happened to the other "F" in Jef's name? : (

I think it's super creepy that twice now, the man with the tiny dog, Lerone, has said Emily's single-momness is what is the most attractive about her.

Stevie rolls in with a boombox from K-Mart and a terrible green shirt.

"I feel like I'm in a night club." -- Emily, to Stevie
WHAT A SHITTY NIGHT CLUB. 
Note to self: Don't ever go to a club in Charlotte. 

Charlie has on a khaki suit. Ladies, when was this filmed?! A khaki suit in the winter? OY VEY.

Oh, holy hell. A guy brought a slipper in on a pillow. : (

After the dude dressed up as a grandma and then a guy introduced himself as, "Wolf" I fast-forwarded through the rest of the limo scenes.

-----

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily rolls in and is greeted with the largest glass of white wine I've ever seen. Baby gUrl, I feel you. I'd need an IV of white wine to get through that shit storm of dudes and cheesy compliments.

Chris pulls out a bobble head doll of himself. Then, he gets pretty next level and pulls out a bobble head doll he made of Emily.

"I think she deserves the best." --Jef
Well, she certainly came to the right place, right?!
And this was said by a guy who is clearly lacking an "F" in his name. 


I think the humidity is getting to Emily's hair. That makes me feel like I can actually relate to her.

The dad from Seattle brought a note from his son to give to Emily. So, now we have two parents exploiting their children for fame and love!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy probably takes his son and a puppy to the park on Sundays to try and lure women into his lair.

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy put the rose down awfully close to the fire. I know if I was on this show I'd throw that rose into the fire as a joke that I'd take too far. I'm kind of impressed that these boyZ are obviously a little more mature than I am in that sense!

Helicopter boy gets interrupted by the insurance agent and our first confrontation of the season happens between him and the Beat Boy. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE POSSIBILITY OF THERE POTENTIALLY BEING A DANCE-OFF FOR EMILY'S HEART.

The race car driver sits down with Emily to tell her about his career. Her face dropped. ABC, YOU ARE THE WORST. JUST THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

SINGLE DADS FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T EVEN NEED A PUPPY. Sean from Seattle gets the first impression rose.

"I actually think I deserved the first impression rose." --Chris
I want to validate his feelings and all, but I don't understand how someone can "deserve" that. 


-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Kalon is his real name?

There are some terrible suits/shirts/shirt-tie combos happening here. We've got the ode to "Steel Magnolias" with the blush and bashful shirt and tie. The beat boy with the green shirt. There's a dude with a maroon and purple plaid shirt rocking a deep mauve tie, which leads me to the question: is deep mauve a color? We also have the black shirt with a little bit of a sheen being accented with the brightest purple tie that they sell at Marshall's in Austin, Texas.

The guy with that ostrich egg is standing there so proudly holding that damn egg. : (
BUT, THEN HE GOT A ROSE.

No real surprises here.

Lerone, tiny dog man, did not get a rose. Do you think he's still into single moms?

WHOA. Hold up. Brent really has six kids? Six? Like the number after five?

"It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled." --Dude that didn't get a rose
IF that's even possible, I don't think you'd feel it because if your heart fell out of your body you'd probably die instantly. FIND A BETTER ANALOGY. 


-----

We get to see scenes from the rest of the season. I'm super thrilled to see her taking her daughter out of school to experience this BS. Then, they showed her making out with a guy and then another guy.

At one point they bleep out the F-bomb. There are a lot of tears. Especially from the boyZ.

AND THEN, DOLLY PARTON SHOWED UP.
DOLLY PARTON.

And that's how it ended.

What a shit show.

-----

Oh, not over yet. That dude took off his shirt to show us his abs. I can only imagine the pride his mother is feeling at this very moment.






Tuesday, May 8, 2012

who are you.

Growing up, I was fairly certain I knew exactly who (and what) I wanted to be upon reaching the stage of mature adulthood.

No matter my age I was quite certain "mature adulthood" happened at your college commencement ceremony. [Let me assure you, adulthood may have happened, maturity did not.] And it's funny that up until your college commencement ceremony you know EXACTLY what you're going to do with your life, but about the time you sing the National Anthem you break into a cold sweat because you realize you have no idea how you're going to feed yourself or get healthcare.

Up until May 13, 2006 I was on my to Chicago. I was going to work in advertising as a copywriter and I was going to be awesome. I'd dabble in jingles, but not too much because I'm not a musician. I only wavered from this for a short span of time when I thought about going into full-time ministry.

Six years later, I've been to Chicago one time.
One time.
And. I'm not in advertising.
I don't even dabble in jingles!

Does this mean I haven't reached the stage of "mature adulthood"? Or does it mean I'm not who I thought I was going to be? Should I be looking in the mirror and asking, "who are you?"

I can say with a lot of certainty that I've reached a level of maturity that I would consider to be "mature" by most standards. Meaning, maybe I've turned into someone I didn't think I would ever be.

On top of all of this, sometimes I carry fruit in my purse as a snack.
FRUIT.

And that, that scares me more than not ending up in advertising.
That is the one thing that makes me look in the mirror and say, "WHO ARE YOU?"

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

low key.

Today, while perusing some archives I found these rules to live by. 
A real gem. 


From LC in 2004: I think it's important to keep it low key. Just wear your graphic tee, flip-flops, jeans and drink some Kool-Aid. Keep it low key. No need for all this fancy stuff. Keep it simple. Keep it basic. Keep it low key.


I don't disagree with this statement in 2012, but I sure hope that Kool-Aid has some vodka in it. 

Share This